COTE : There is Something Wrong With Hikigaya

"There's one more thing I… I want to tell you, Hikigaya-kun." 

Ichinose suddenly spoke, then grabbed Hikigaya's hand and pulled him toward the school courtyard. 

No matter how much Hikigaya protested along the way, she refused to let go. Because of the sports festival, the school building was mostly empty. When they reached the courtyard, Ichinose finally released his hand and turned to face him. 

"Hikigaya-kun, do you remember this place?" 

Hikigaya looked around. Wasn't this the spot where he often ate lunch alone? 

It was quiet and free from interruptions—definitely a good place for a conversation. 

"This is where you scolded me about the surveillance incident last semester. I still remember it clearly— 

'All you ever think about is yourself.' 

'You're so full of yourself.' 

'Are you putting on this act just so I'll pity you?'" 

With each sentence Ichinose recalled, Hikigaya felt a cold sweat creeping up his back. 

"Uh… Ichinose, sorry about that. I admit I might've been too harsh back then. If you feel offended, I'll apologize right now." 

Hikigaya wiped his forehead, even though there was no actual sweat. Was she here to settle the score? Did she have people hiding nearby, ready to ambush him? 

Ichinose shook her head. 

"I don't need an apology. In fact, what you said woke me up. It made me realize just how pathetic I really was. It was the first time I faced the things I had been running from." 

Her voice softened. 

"Don't be fooled by how I usually act. Deep down, I've always been a coward. But Hikigaya-kun, you gave me the courage to see myself for who I really am." 

Her expression darkened slightly. 

"That's why, in this place… I want to tell you a secret about myself. A secret I've never wanted to face." 

Ichinose's tone was calm. She was about to talk about something that had happened back in middle school. 

Her family wasn't well-off. She lived with her mother and a younger sister who was two years younger than her. To support them, her mother worked tirelessly until she eventually fell ill. 

At the time, it was close to her sister's birthday. Her sister had always begged for a hair clip as a present. And so, the middle school version of Ichinose made a decision she regretted to this day… 

She stole a hair clip from a convenience store as a gift for her sister. 

But her mother found out. And then, her mother took her back to the store and made her kneel down in front of everyone to apologize.

"So, in everyone's eyes, the 'perfect' Ichinose Honami is actually a thief—a criminal." 

Ichinose gave a self-mocking smile. "Hikigaya-kun, are you surprised? So, Ichinose Honami... is a bad person." 

"It is surprising." 

Hearing Hikigaya's response, Ichinose's expression became even gloomier. 

"But what surprises me isn't the mistake you made in the past..." 

Hikigaya looked straight into Ichinose's eyes. "It's that you're still trying to atone for it even now." 

After hearing Ichinose's story, Hikigaya finally understood where her guilt-driven mindset came from. It was exactly like Hirata's situation. They were both trying to make up for their past selves. 

What truly trapped Ichinose in this cycle of guilt wasn't just her mistake—it was the fact that it had affected her mother. The overwhelming shame and self-blame had tormented her mentally and emotionally. 

In Japan, a society that places great importance on admitting and apologizing for one's mistakes, her mother's actions only reinforced Ichinose's unhealthy mindset. 

To bring shame upon one's family, to bow in apology before everyone—that kind of experience was unimaginable for a middle school girl. 

So, whether her mother's approach was right or wrong no longer mattered. The past had already happened. But Ichinose, as the person at the center of it all, was still trapped in her own guilt, unable to move forward. 

"Even now, you're still running away, aren't you?" 

Hikigaya asked directly. 

Ichinose stayed silent. 

"If you just wanted to tell me your secret, then I appreciate your trust." 

Hikigaya's tone grew colder. "But what I want to say is that you're not the only one who's ever made mistakes. I understand your pain, your hesitation, and your confusion. But I can't stand people who use their past mistakes as an excuse. In the end, you're just repeating the same cycle, hurting yourself and those around you." 

Ichinose's problem was similar to Hirata's, yet different. 

Hirata tried to meet others' expectations to ease his guilt, while Ichinose used self-sacrifice to escape from it. On the surface, it looked like she was being kind to everyone, but in reality, she was numbing herself. It was self-destruction disguised as selflessness. 

The shame of stealing, the guilt of involving her mother—it made her believe she had to atone for it. And her way of atoning was through complete self-sacrifice. 

To give everything she had, to "apologize" for her sins. 

This was something her mother had "taught" her through her actions. 

Because only by doing this could she be "forgiven." 

"Ichinose, someone once asked me a question: 'Who are the most naive people in the world?' The answer was 'Japanese people,' because only Japanese people believe that saying 'sorry' is enough to be forgiven. You're the same right now. You think that as long as you keep apologizing, you'll be forgiven. But in the end... you're just running away." 

Hikigaya's words stabbed into Ichinose's heart like a needle. The sharp pain made her mind go blank for a moment. But the more it hurt, the clearer she saw her "true self." 

"No... that's not it. I just want to make up for my mistakes..." 

Ichinose mumbled. 

"Ichinose!!" 

Hikigaya's firm voice interrupted her. "Don't you get it? Mistakes from the past can never be erased. If you steal something, no matter how much you atone, you can't change the fact that it happened. That pain will never disappear. The only thing we can do is carry it with us—to live with it, to take responsibility for it, not to try and erase it!" 

Ichinose's guilt wasn't just about feeling sorry—it was about regret. A desperate wish that the past could be undone. 

But life isn't like that. There are happy moments and painful moments. If we enjoy happiness, then we must also endure pain. If we simply try to erase the pain, the happiness that remains wouldn't be real. 

Because only by experiencing pain do we truly understand the value of happiness. 

"So what we need isn't to erase pain and regret. We need to learn to carry them."

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