Dear God(I want to forget)

Dear God

Is Happiness really that cruel?

Her eyes felt like daggers waiting to pierce me, my soul. She was looking at me, not because she was trying to show me that she was here, but because she wanted me to talk. She had been patient enough and now she wanted me to say something more, to start actually talking. I didn't want to and she knew it that's why she only stared at me, her coffee was probably already cold now but I could tell she didn't care. When Yami found me in his study room she knew something had happened, the one place I had avoided like a plague ,I suddenly found myself there overnight? She knew something happened but how do I tell her that nothing happened?That I was tired of running and decided to just let the memories engulf me...that I was scared of losing her by running away.

"What changed?" She asked, standing up to toss the cold coffee in the sink. She hesitated as she turned to look at me, she wanted to say something but decided against it, I knew what she wanted to say but I think for our sake she didn't say it. "Nothing, I got tired."

"Tired?"

"Tired of pretending it didn't happen, tired of trying to act like it didn't kill me. It killed me Yami and acting like it didn't just makes it hurt even more," I said, pulling at the hem of my shirt. It was the first time I ever acknowledged that it hurt and acknowledging it made the pain feel even more real, "They say when you talk about it, it gets better but talking about it actually hurts more because at the end of it all, you feel that gap, the hole and you remember what you have lost and can never have," I added.

Yami didn't say anything, she didn't have to. It was my turn to speak and she didn't want to stop me. She had been trying to get me to talk and to go outside so for her my talking was actually a big achievement for her. On the other hand, I had to talk, I have so much to say and so much to get off my chest. I am not talking to get better, I am talking to get past it and try and forget it, like one last memory run before I shut them off. Hurt myself more so that I have the strength to shut all the memories away.

"It feels like I am in this dream, like I am stuck in this dream and I just can't wake up. I thought I would wake up and I would realize it was just a dream but why am I not waking up? Why does it feel so real?"

"Because it is real," she said as she sat across me, her eyes meeting mine. They were gentle and warm , like a mother looking at her child for the first time. Not knowing how to act and do but instinctively be warm and gentle, she was unlocking her motherly nature on me and I didn't want that because if she engulfed me in it I would let her undress me and see all that I am. "It doesn't have to be real, the more I think the more I ask myself why me? Why did it have to be me?Not that anyone else deserves it but why did it have to be me? What determined who deserved what for what reasons? What were God's reasons for it to be me?"I asked not at her but at Him, at God. Why did he pick me? What reasons did He have for it to be me? What made him think this one belonged to me?

"We were happy, weren't we?" I asked looking at Yami. She gave me a small smile as she nodded her head just like me she was replaying all the memories we had shared, the times we were happy all three of us, when it was just me and him , me, him and her. Now all that just disappeared overnight.

He was the love of my life, the one man who made me believe that God really did see me and love me. The man who I had shared so many dreams with, who I saw by my side till the end of time. He was the only man who ever truly got to love me like Jesus loved his church and now he isn't here or in any of my dreams. At just the snap of the finger he disappeared and he took all my happiness with me and he took God too because if God was truly still here with me, he had a funny way for showing it.

"You know Yami it's funny how when the sun set that day I was the happiest woman on earth, I was so happy it didn't even make sense at all but I was happy and that was enough sense for me. I was so happy I didn't believe anything could ever surpass the happiness I felt but when the sun rose the next day I became the most miserable woman, I forgot what happiness was. I didn't even know what letter happiness began with or ended with."Everything changed in an instant, it felt like two worlds had collided and I was stuck in the opposite world, the world where I was miserable, the wrong world.

Happiness is such a difficult thing to attain yet it's the easiest to lose, with just a snap of a finger it can vanish and you will never even remember how it felt like. Even the memories lose the joy it had and all that's left of them is misery. The world isn't cruel, Happiness is, because happiness enters your life and makes you feel so loved and special and when it's done with you it chews you up and spits you out and leaves you. And don't think that it will leave some joy behind , happiness only leaves bitter memories that will make you remember the events but not the feeling. You will remember all the smiles and laughs and giggles all the nice silence and amazing days and nights but you will never remember how it felt like, not even a glimpse. What's the point of having it if it never lasts? If it never stays? If you can't ever really remember?

Happiness is cruel

Happiness doesn't fade, it vanishes. When it's gone, it never leaves it's shadow.