Delusive Fate

#061

“What?”

“You can do anything. You can do anything to me, hyung.”

I’m really not that bad. I know now that I don’t dislike you, that I don’t like you. But this is just a pleasant feeling, right? It’s not coercion. It’s just… since it makes you feel good, you could give it a try, right? Hyung, I’m not just saying this casually. I can really do well.

At this point, it had crossed the line of absurdity. Ki Baek-woo was muttering something that wasn’t even funny with a serious expression. I wondered if he even realized what he was bragging about. He kept boasting that he could make me feel cheap by using my back, and I was curious if he was aware of how many times he had said that he could do it very well.

“I’ll prepare everything. You just have to put it in. You just have to do what feels good for you.”

It seemed like he was rambling in a way that wasn’t quite sane…. Honestly, it wasn’t something a sane person would say. I just stared blankly at the bizarrely astral Ki Baek-woo. Since there was no response, Ki Baek-woo seemed to grow anxious. He clutched my knee as if begging.

“Hyung, you don’t have to think about it. It’s good for you too… It’ll be good for you….”

The hand of Ki Baek-woo, touching my bare knee, was lukewarm and damp. It was ridiculous. He was talking lewdly, as if he would immediately grab my knee and spread it open if I allowed him, burying his face between my legs again. In reality, it seemed his hand was cold and sweaty from tension. I wondered why he was saying such things while being so nervous…. Just a moment ago, he had been sucking on my thing, and he seemed excited too.

I thought for a moment and lifted one leg to bring my foot to Ki Baek-woo’s groin. I pressed down hard. “Ah…!” Ki Baek-woo flinched as if surprised. The Ki Baek-woo junior I felt under my foot was big but soft. I asked purely out of curiosity.

“Is it cheap, or is it not standing at all?”

“Should I… make it stand?”

“What do you mean should you make it stand? It’s already standing…. Are you really a pervert? Why does it stand when I step on it instead of when you’re sucking it?”

“No, no, ugh… Hyung… I just thought it would be bad if I made it stand… Ah.”

“Just a little nervous… You’re not a pervert, hyung. I won’t do anything weird to you. I swear.” Watching Ki Baek-woo stammer, I removed my foot that had been pressing down on him. Ki Baek-woo, who had been tightly closing his eyes, let out an “Ah” and hurriedly straightened his back. He had never been disciplined, yet he was acting all disciplined on his own.

“Ki Baek-woo, you know this is really strange.”

“I won’t act strangely anymore. I’ll only do good things for you. So….”

“You want me to put it in you?”

“Do you want to do it now?”

Ki Baek-woo, who had been kneeling submissively, shifted his body. If I answered yes, he seemed ready to do anything right away. I looked at him without any particular emotion.

A vulgar, dirty face. He looked a bit worse than before due to accumulated fatigue, but he still looked quite pretty in his own way, the amazing Ki Baek-woo.

Yeah, well… If he’s that good-looking, it wouldn’t matter whether he gets penetrated or not. Everyone would want to do anything just to be close to that handsome guy. If he wanted to try putting something in from behind, people would line up to make it happen, even if they had to create something out of nothing…. But that’s not me.

“Hyung, you can do it now. You can do whatever you want. Really.”

Ki Baek-woo, saying that, looked like he would do anything if I just said the word. If it was for me, if it was what I wanted, he seemed like he would really do anything.

“Please… Hyung, just let me use you once… Then… then you’ll….”

You’ll think it’s not bad to be with me too… I really believe that….

Ki Baek-woo, who had been flustered, finally leaned his forehead against my thigh as if exhausted. He was breathing shallowly, as if he didn’t even have the strength to sob. “Hyung, you don’t need to think about it. There’s nothing to worry about… I don’t have any diseases, and you won’t lose anything, please….” He murmured in a voice that was barely audible. It felt strange.

What was Ki Baek-woo feeling right now? There shouldn’t be any good points to being with me, so why was he begging me to do this? He didn’t love me…. It wasn’t sincere.

But can he really act like this if it’s not sincere?

But if it is sincere, what does it matter?

If Ki Baek-woo sincerely pleaded, would I give in? I was the kind of fool who would give in to everything he wanted, just like Lee Han-sol, so would I end up giving in again this time?

Yeah, fine. Let’s say I continue to be with Ki Baek-woo as he wishes. Let’s say I put it in him and thrust whenever I want. Then, let’s say that he gets so incredibly happy, just as he claimed, that I end up releasing inside him. But then what? What happens after that?

What happens? Ki Baek-woo would suddenly turn and go to Jung Yi-dam, and I would be left here, shriveled up and empty.

At this moment, even if Ki Baek-woo’s attitude, desperate to prove his usefulness to me, was sincere, it was still just that. Whether it was good or bad, Ki Baek-woo belonged to Jung Yi-dam. This was just a new error I was experiencing for the first time. In the future, I would repeat this kind of regression hundreds or even thousands of times, and someday I would meet another Ki Baek-woo who was similar to this one.

When that time comes, I won’t even think it’s strange. Just like the bad Ki Baek-woos I experienced in the past, it will just become a pattern that remains in my memory. So, no matter what Ki Baek-woo says or does, there’s no need to be confused or swayed.

“Baek-woo, go.”

“Hyung….”

“Go, just. Step aside.”

“Hyung… Hyung, just once… I’m sorry for saying this, but just once….”

I don’t look at Ki Baek-woo. I look at the screen beyond him. The female lead in the movie was struggling in the water. I wish she would die. I wish she would drag her beloved affair down with her like a water ghost, and the two of them would sink together into the sea and die. Let’s see if love can be proven through death. If they sink together, embracing each other in the deep sea, I would be inclined to rate this movie positively.

But of course, nothing goes the way I want.

The woman doesn’t die. Far from dying, she moves forward into the world as if she has been reborn, and only one of her shoes sinks into the sea.

Damn it. It’s a perfect happy ending for the adulterous couple. I die, and even if I die, I don’t get a chance to live, but that woman, even while drowning, manages to survive and seize her opportunity. She makes that damn love happen, no matter what…. Because she is the protagonist of that movie, and I am just a supporting character in this game.

Ada and Baines, who realize the value of life and self in the face of death, are Jung Yi-dam and Ki Baek-woo. I am just a single shoe that has sunk into the sea, forgotten no matter how many times I die.

Damn it. I shouldn’t have watched it. To feel this way after watching a movie. I really hate happy endings. Whether they are fictional or not, seeing someone happy ruins my mood. I just wish everyone would be unhappy and live like that.

I kicked Ki Baek-woo’s thigh. His ashen complexion, muscles tensed as if on edge, Ki Baek-woo flinched at even the slightest contact. I spoke to him, who was so tense he couldn’t even blink.

“What do you mean just once…. Whether it’s penetration or not, I have no intention of having sex with you. Not even once. Am I a beast? Just because you make my lower half shake, you think I’ll be panting in pleasure…. Hey, go. Go wash your face or something.”

I just want to sleep… So clean up the beer you spilled and just lie down and sleep… Stop talking nonsense….

***

I’m an idiot.

Why do I always regret only after I’ve done something? It’s not like this is the first time I’ve had this kind of regret, so why do I always, always live like this? I thought I had a boring, uninteresting life without any of the tastes or hobbies that others have, but it seems that regretting is my hobby.

This time, the regret is even deeper. It’s almost unbearable, the self-hatred exploding within me. Because this is nothing other than… something that happened because of my dick.

I’m a beast swayed by instinct. Did I become a beast because I wasn’t treated like a human, or was I just a beast from the start and couldn’t be treated like a human? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Couldn’t I think before I acted? If my head only started working after I acted, then the expression that a dick is attached to my body is incorrect. It would make more sense to say that I am attached to my dick. The dick is the main body, and I’m just the clothes draped over it or some useless, pathetic item….

I, a human-shaped dick, am regretting. Why did I let Ki Baek-woo suck my dick…. I must really be a fool with no intelligence.

It had been two days since that day when I foolishly shot my load on Ki Baek-woo’s face while watching a movie. It was only two days, but I was suffering from immense agony. All day yesterday, and this morning… I realized that the incident where I acted thoughtlessly, swayed by my dick, was the worst mistake. Because… from that moment on, Ki Baek-woo had gone even more insane.

That crazy bastard. Wasn’t he already crazy enough? How could he go even crazier from there? I’m seriously curious about the limits of human mental capacity….

Ki Baek-woo is seriously messed up. Every moment spent with him is in a state of ruin, so I can’t even list what the problems are one by one. So, if I had to pick the most abnormal behavior, it would be this.

Ki Baek-woo keeps sucking my dick.