Hazbin Hotel: Another Adam

POV Loona

"How do you do, fellow kids?" A familiar voice sounded from my right: low, with a slight hoarseness, and filled with unconcealed, brazen confidence. I didn't even turn around, continuing to stare at the rather beautiful landscape of the Gluttony Ring spread out before me. Another stupid party, another evening wasted. My mood was at zero.

"When pretty girls are sad, good guys get their mood spoiled too, you know," this guy continued. Baal, was it? I felt him approach and casually lean on the railing next to me, also staring at the valley with those sickly-sweet golden houses and honey rivers. He smelled… strange. Not of soot and sulfur, like most demons. But of something… clean? Fresh? Like ozone after a thunderstorm. Some kind of bullshit. "So what happened, beautiful? Tell this fucking kind and understanding uncle your sorrow."

"Fuck off," I grumbled, not even turning my head. I hoped this latest pick-up artist clown would get the hint and bugger off to hell. But, of course, he didn't fuck off! Damn it, does anyone in this whole goddamn Hell even know what "personal boundaries" are?! Though yeah, what am I talking about?

"Oh, come on, don't be so prickly," he gently nudged my side with his elbow. "It's useful to talk things out sometimes. Maybe I can even help with something? Advice, or… well, I don't know… give someone a magical kick in the ass?"

"Just get the fuck away from me, you asshole!" I couldn't take it anymore, spinning around sharply and growling at him viciously. He even recoiled for a second in surprise, but then immediately plastered that insolent smirk back on his face. "What do you want from me? Why are you sticking to me like a bath leaf to an ass?! Go fuck someone else if you're so desperate! There are plenty of willing ones here!"

"…" For a second, the guy froze, his red eyes widening in surprise, as if he genuinely didn't understand what he was being accused of. Then he laughed somehow nervously, almost childishly. "Ha-ha-ha! Oh, Loona, you're such a kidder! I see your sense of humor is perfectly fine!" Still chuckling, he clapped me friendly on the shoulder. "I'm just a fucking altruist! A knight without fear and without reproach! I'm 'For all that's good, against all that's bad'! So about the 'fucking' – you've got the wrong address, sweetie." He proudly puffed out his chest, then, thoughtfully, whispered his thoughts aloud: "At least, until polygamy is officially recognized in Heaven…"

"…" I silently stared at this idiot, trying to figure out if he was serious right now or just mocking me. Another psycho? Well, that's not uncommon in Hell, so I'm not surprised. Although… this one was some kind of… unusual psycho.

"...No one understands you, right?" His voice suddenly became serious, without a trace of laughter. He turned back to the precipice, but now he wasn't looking at the valley, but somewhere into the distance, at the crimson hellish sky. "The guy you kind of liked turned out to be just another asshole who's also dating Beelzebub herself; your father, of course, tries, but constantly whines, drinks, hides behind his stupid humor and, in essence, is an even bigger child than you? And in the company of all these idiots, there's just no place for you? And you feel infinitely lonely, unwanted, misunderstood… Did I guess right?"

I froze. How?.. How does he know all this?! Every word – like a punch to the gut. Is he reading my mind? Or… or has he been watching me all this time?!

"F-fucking smart, are you?!" I forced out, trying to hide the treacherous tremor in my voice and the welling tears. A lump formed in my throat. "How did you… Are you stalking me, you bastard?!"

"Wouldn't say 'fucking smart'," he shrugged, without turning around. "Just… a little observant. And, let's say, I know how to see what's going on in the souls of most demons. Just a… small talent." He turned back to me, and now there was neither mockery nor threat in his red eyes. Only… calm understanding? And some strange, deep sadness. "You don't know me at all, Loona. To you, I'm just a stranger you just met. So why not talk it out? They say it helps to get a load off your chest."

"Are you serious right now or are you messing with me?" I wrinkled my nose incredulously. "And why the hell should I do that? Pour my soul out to the first dickhead I meet, who, somehow, fuck, knows a hell of a lot about me, and on top of that, drives around with my father to parties where he then puts on some fucking show, challenging Queen Bee herself and throwing other guests around like bowling pins?! Who the hell are you anyway?!"

"Well, firstly, it was a lot of fun," he smirked again. "And secondly… So that you yourself would feel a little better? I'm not a psychologist, and certainly not a professional psychiatrist. But maybe I can help with some advice…" He sighed heavily, his gaze becoming serious again. "Listen, Loona. You should know demons pretty well, so tell me honestly, do you sense any real danger from me? A threat? Do you see any rot in my soul?"

I listened to my feelings; thanks to my hellhound nature, I can sense a bit more than other demons, and this guy… Baal… he was strange. Very strange. Some incredible, almost primal power emanated from him, which I couldn't fully understand or classify. He definitely wasn't who he pretended to be. But… danger? A threat? No. Strangely enough, I didn't feel anything like that from him. Only this strange, almost awkward friendliness and… some cosmic weariness?

"…To hell with you," I finally exhaled, feeling the tension ease a little. "Yeah. You're right. All this pisses me off. It pisses me off that I can't even find any damn friends! Normal ones! Not these stupid sluts or stoned bastards who only want to drag me into bed or use me! I tried! Honestly! I even asked Vortex for help! He seems like a normal guy, not like the others… But he's with her! With Bee! What chance do I have… And Blitz… he hasn't been himself lately at all… Always edgy, angry, snapping over trifles… I understand he has problems with that owl, but… I'm here too! I'm his family too! And he…"

I didn't even notice how I started to pour it all out. The words flowed by themselves, bitter, resentful, full of longing and loneliness. Damned Baal… what has he done to me?

POV Adam

Have I already mentioned that in this world, I could totally pass for a "master manipulator-puppeteer"? No? Well, there you have it. Turns out, it's so easy to get these young, insecure demonesses to talk. A couple of the right phrases, a little sympathy in your gaze, a pinch of "I-understand-you" – and that's it, they're ready to pour out their souls to you, guts and all. Sometimes I'm even afraid of myself.

So, why did I approach this depressive she-wolf after all? It's simple. There was no such scene in the canon, which means that I, with my appearance and actions, once again significantly "trampled on butterflies," and now I had to somehow fix this latest fuck-up of mine. And, to be honest, I don't like it when such beautiful and, generally, not bad (by hellish standards, of course) girls are sad… Well, except for Lilith, of course. That bitch can suffer forever, I don't give a fuck. And Eve! Oh, Eve! I would personally arrange eternal torment for that fool! Although… fuck them all! My dick! As the old saying goes: "Farewell sex is above a century of resentment!" Yes, it's not said anywhere, but hey, let me dream a little, huh? Both of these women, Lilith and Eve, created in the image and likeness of the Seraphim themselves, were just fucking gorgeous!

Alright, I'm getting sidetracked again. Back to our sheep. That is, to the she-wolf. So, what can I gather from the "patient's" stream of complaints?

Well, if Octavia, with whom I had a nice chat a couple of days ago, had more typical teenage problems of an existential nature, multiplied by drama in an aristocratic family (the "nobody-understands-me-I'll-go-write-a-depressive-poem" level for 17-18 year olds in my past world), then Loona… Loona had the problems of a quite adult, but very lonely and insecure young woman, about 20-25 by human standards. Correction: a very lonely, unwanted, disillusioned-with-everything 20-25 year old young woman with a bunch of complexes and a complete lack of social skills.

How to solve such deeply personal problems? How the fuck should I know?! Do I look like a certified psychologist? I'm actually an Archangel, the First Man, and concurrently – a former God-Destroyer and Godkiller! Did you notice "Harvard graduate" in my list of titles? Me neither, so with such advanced cases, it's better to go straight to a specialist. Who in Hell deals with such crap? Fortune tellers? Demon-confessors? Well, you get the idea. I'm not particularly versed in the intricacies of the psychology of lonely young female (and male too) representatives. So I highly doubt my advice will really help her. Although… I do understand people pretty well. It's, you could say, a natural gift of mine, multiplied by Adam's millennia of experience and those years in the "New Gods" cult from my past life. That's how it is.

"…And then those two idiots were kidnapped by some fucked-up humans! Can you imagine?!" Loona continued her emotional story, apparently having completely forgotten whom she was talking to. "They pumped them full of some truth serum there, tortured them, and almost killed them! Thank Satan it all worked out and Millie and I were able to get them out! But all those humans there were complete morons! They only used melee weapons, knives and katanas… Even though they definitely have guns! Idiots!"

Stop! At that moment, what's called a "Neuron activation" happened in my head, and I "unlocked a new memory," or rather, I remembered one of the episodes of that very cartoon "Helluva Boss." Episode six of the first season, I think. There, Blitz and Moxxie were indeed kidnapped by some strange people in sunglasses (who wore them at night and indoors), who worked either for the government or some corporations. And yes, they were pumped full of truth serum there, after which we were cheerfully and jokingly shown their drug-fueled bad trip with revelations about Millie loving to strap-on Moxxie… Fuck, yes, thanks to the writers for revealing these "important" details in such detail, instead of, for example, telling us more about that mysterious organization that hunts demons!

"…So I'm not even sure if I'll ever be able to find real friends in this goddamn Hell," Loona was finishing her sad speech meanwhile, her voice trembling again. "I'm not sure I even deserve such a thing…"

"Oh, I understand you perfectly," I nodded, putting on the most sympathetic expression possible. Right now, there was no need to tell her the truth or try to analyze her problems. Right now, she needed simple human compassion and support. I needed to say what would help her pull herself together and feel a little better. "It feels like you're the only one like this, right? As if no one around notices your true feelings, your pain, and when you finally decide to open up to someone, show your vulnerability, they either tell you to fuck off or simply don't understand and forget about you in five minutes. Sound familiar?"

"…" She silently, somewhat confusedly, nodded. But I saw a faint spark of hope in her eyes. It seems it worked… My manipulator skills are still with me.

"And you… do you even love yourself, Loona?" I looked her straight in the eyes, trying to make my gaze as warm and compassionate as possible. "You see, for others to truly love and accept you, you must first love and accept yourself. As you are. With all your flaws, fears, and bats in your belfry." I gently placed my hand on her shoulder, noticing tears slowly starting to stream from her eyes. She didn't even try to wipe them away. "Loona, listen to me. We've all had a lot of shit in our lives. Some more, some less. But this shit… it doesn't make us shit ourselves. Unless we want it to. Blitz… Yes, he acts like a complete idiot and an irresponsible asshole most of the time. But, as you yourself know perfectly well, he loves you. In his own clumsy way, but he loves you. You are family to him. The only real family he has. Millie and Moxxie… Whatever you may think of them, however much their saccharine love and righteousness may annoy you sometimes, they value you too. And are always ready to help. But for you to be able to see who is genuinely happy for you and accepts you as you are, and who only wants your tits and a chance to stroke their ego… you must first accept yourself. Love yourself. As you are. With all your anger, loneliness, and pain." I ran my hand over her cheek, wiping away the moisture. "You're a wonderful girl, Loona. Strong, independent, with a sharp mind and a peculiar sense of humor. Just know that. And don't listen to idiots who try to prove otherwise. Value yourself. And value those few who truly value you. That's all I can tell you…" I sighed heavily, removing my hand.

(Author's note: LoTs oF LeTtErS!)

Well, fuck me, I've become a psychologist now! And not just for anyone, but for a goddamn hellhound with teenage complexes! Vivienne, what the hell are you doing creating such complex and ambiguous characters, and then abandoning them to their fate, forcing me, a simple transmigrated archangel, to clean up all this shit?!

(Author's note: Vivienne Medrano - director, lead animator, writer, and character designer for "Helluva Boss" and "Hazbin Hotel")

"I… I understand, Baal… Thank you… thank you for listening and… supporting me," Loona finally looked up at me, her eyes still red from tears, but the longing was gone. She even tried to manage a weak smile. "And… I'm sorry you had to listen to all… my whining."

"Hey, hey! What did I just tell you?" I playfully wagged a finger at her. "Don't apologize for your feelings, Loona! And I absolutely didn't mind listening to your problems. Just… stop thinking that everyone around you hates or despises you. You only think that because you hate and don't accept yourself, understand? Look at those around you more carefully. At Blitz, at Moxxie, at Millie. They really do love you as you are. None of us are perfect, Loona (well, except me, of course, I'm perfection itself, heh-heh), each of us has our own bats in the belfry and skeletons in the closet, but that's no reason to hate yourself or consider yourself unworthy of friendship and love."

"Yes… Yes, I understand… It's just… it's all so difficult… to accept it all so quickly…" She looked down shyly, fidgeting with the hem of her dress with one hand and holding the crook of her other elbow.

"By the way, Loona," I decided to change the subject before she plunged back into the abyss of self-pity. "You should keep an eye on your father after all. Because he, in my opinion, is getting drunk over there in the company of some shady characters. I'm telling you this authoritatively!" I nodded significantly towards Beelzebub's mansion, from which increasingly loud and raucous shouts were coming.

"THAT'S RIGHT, BITCH! THAT'S WHO'S THE REAL DADDY HERE! I'LL FUCK YOU ALL!" a particularly loud and drunken yell from Blitz erupted from there. Apparently, he was already wasted…

"Heh… looks like you're right," Loona finally allowed herself a faint, timid smile. And it really suited her. "Maybe… we could exchange contacts? Just in case? If… if I need to… well, you know… talk again?"

She said it so awkwardly, so shyly, that I involuntarily smiled even wider. It seemed she had never made such an offer first before.

"Uhh…" Here I hesitated a bit. To be honest, I still hadn't memorized the number of my angelic mask. And to take it out now, here, in front of Loona… Well, you understand… I didn't want to reveal all my cards prematurely. "To be honest, I don't have my mobile on me right now. And I don't remember my number by heart; it's complicated. So I'd be very grateful if you gave me yours… I'll definitely write or call. Angel's… I mean, demon's honor!"

"If you don't want to… I'll understand…" she immediately wilted, apparently thinking I was just trying to "ditch" her.

"Hey, what's wrong? I'm serious!" I tried to look as convincing as possible. "Let's do this: if I don't write to you by tomorrow evening, then I'm the lowest scumbag and a complete asshole, and you can absolutely and officially tell me to fuck off next time we meet. Deal?"

"Eh… alright. Here," she fumbled in the pocket of her dress and handed me… a business card? A serious, cardboard business card with her name and phone number? Well now. Didn't expect such "formality" from her. Oh well. Maybe I should get one for myself? "Adam. First Man and Head Dick. For matters of Extermination and Redemption, please inquire during office hours." Sounds about right.

"Thanks, wolfie," I took the business card and put it in my jacket pocket. "And don't forget that you're…" I pretended to think for a second, then in a flash became invisible again, teleported right behind her, and whispered softly in her ear: "…a good girl…"

I saw her flinch, saw recognition flash across her face (it seems she did remember my "compliment" in the office!), saw her spin around резко… But I was already gone. I teleported a few dozen meters away, then quickly created a portal to Heaven and stepped into it, smirking inwardly.

And so we finished the preliminary study of Beelzebub's domain and her entourage. The spy drones will fly around here for a while longer, gathering information, but I doubt they'll find anything really interesting or important. I've already obtained the main information. And I didn't like it very much.

Four hours later. Heaven. Adam's House. Kitchen.

"Is your father by any chance a chef? Then how did he concoct such a miracle from two eggs?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, god! What kind of asshole screenwriter wrote this crap?! What even is this?!" I finally couldn't stand it and jumped up from the sofa, furiously pointing a finger at the screen of the huge mirror-TV. "This isn't some fucking cartoon for mentally retarded children, is it?! What kind of bullshit is this?!"

"Adam, calm down, it's actually a movie," Lute lazily rolled her eyes, continuing to calmly munch on popcorn. She had been sitting next to me on the sofa, cozily snuggled up beside me before I jumped up. "You chose to watch it yourself when I suggested 'Cleopatra,' and now you're complaining?"

"Yeah, because 'Cleopatra' had a rating of five point three! And this 'masterpiece' – eight point nine! Of course, I thought it would be something really good! And not this… plotless vomit! Anything's better than watching the endless historical melodramas you adore so much!"

Calming down a bit, I plopped back onto the sofa and gently hugged Lute's shoulders, pulling her closer. She immediately snuggled trustingly against me, resting her head on my chest.

"Well, since you disliked this movie so much…" she began with a sly smile.

"Even…"

"Then why don't we…"

"…Don't start."

"Watch what I asked for from the beginning? Just a couple of episodes, I promise!"

"A couple of episodes?! Lute, there are over two hundred of them! And each one, fuck, is almost an hour and a half long! That's not 'a couple of episodes,' that's a goddamn week-long marathon! It's not a series, it's a natural disaster! I'll die of boredom!"

"Fie, Adam, how rude!" she lightly tapped my forehead with her finger. "It's unbecoming of an Archangel to express himself like that!"

"…" I opened my mouth to object, but then I looked into her shining golden eyes, where little laugh-lights danced, and… I couldn't hold back. We both burst out laughing.

"Alright, to hell with you, my little tormentor," I kissed the top of her head. "Put on that crap of yours about vampires in Egypt… But really, just a couple of episodes! And no comments about 'he's so handsome when he bites her neck'!"

"Adam…" she made a serious, almost tragic face, looking into my eyes. "You are the best, most understanding, most patient, and most beloved man by me in the entire Universe! And in other universes too!"

After which she cheerfully pounced on me, hugging, kissing, and tickling. We, naturally, didn't get back to her series that evening… Nor the next day. And it was wonderful.

An interesting fact I discovered during my numerous excursions to Hell and Earth: literally all sentient beings from Hell or Heaven, not counting some very primitive or non-sentient creatures, perfectly understand any human language. I have no idea what this is connected to, and the previous Adam wasn't particularly interested in this question, which, I think, is understandable anyway. But there's another, no less amusing fact: both angels and demons speak some strange, distorted English amongst themselves. And this is, essentially, the same language, only in Hell it's proudly called "Demonic English Language" (DEL, yep), and in Heaven – "Heavenly English Language" (HEL). Both differ from ordinary earthly English in some archaisms, specific vocabulary, and slightly different pronunciation, but overall they sound almost identical. But humans… humans perceive both of these "dialects" as the most ordinary English language. Such are the linguistic quirks of the local universe.

Right now, I'm at the Exorcist training ground, watching Lute drill the hundred "best girls" she selected. And yes, the result of their many weeks of training was truly impressive. I wasn't a professional in small group tactics or assault operations, but even I could see that they moved with surprising coordination, professionally, precisely executing commands and covering each other. It felt like I was watching some perfectly rehearsed theatrical number or a demonstration by an elite special forces unit, and yet all of this wasn't for show, but a skill truly honed to automatism, the result of many weeks of persistent training under Lute's guidance.

"Something like that, Adam," Lute approached me, wiping sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand. She was in her new black and gold armor, but without a helmet. She looked tired but pleased. "With a squad like this, we could even shoot down the Deadly Sins if we wanted to. Unless, of course, they use some particularly cunning bullshit of their own."

"Impressive," I smiled sincerely and gently kissed her flushed cheek. "You did great, my little angel."

"I try," she smiled back shyly.

"Well, since we're more or less set with the elite squad's preparation, I think it's time for me to visit Abel. Find out how he's doing with the global strategy development. He hasn't reported in a while." I sighed. "In the short term, my plan to lure Eve out doesn't seem to have worked. A pity. It would have been great to drag that creature out of her hole and deal with her as quickly as possible. But, unfortunately, she seems to be firmly entrenched in some shithole and isn't showing her face." I felt Lute reassuringly squeeze my hand. "Tomorrow I'm going to Hell again. I'll be checking out the Goetia at their aristocratic gathering. Maybe something interesting will turn up there."

"Yes, yes, Adam, you've already bent my ear about your 'hard spy life' and how you'll have to put on that 'demonic masquerade' of yours again and pretend to be a mysterious prince," Lute smirked, looking at me with cheerful irony. "Just don't get too carried away with the role of the 'mysterious stranger' there, or else, Light forbid, you'll get used to it."

"Oh, come on," I waved dismissively.

"Go on then, run to your son, solve your global problems," she smiled slyly and bit her lower lip. "And in the evening… in the evening we'll see about your behavior… And how you'll 'compensate' for your long absence."

I swallowed, feeling a familiar, excited glint in her golden eyes.

"Ha! I see someone here feels like a real dominatrix (Author's note: dominatrix – a woman who has power or controls her partner in sexual relationships), huh?" I pulled her to me and kissed her. "Well, well, valkyrie, prepare your ass; tonight Daddy Adam promises to be ve-e-ery rough and ve-e-ery inventive…"

"We'll see who's going to be rough, 'Daddy'," she whispered in my ear, her hot breath scorching my skin, after which she playfully slapped my ass and easily slipped out of my embrace.

I followed her retreating figure with an admiring gaze, feeling everything inside me ignite with anticipation. Yes, this woman definitely knew how to turn me on with half a turn.

Hmm. A meeting with my son "one on one." And then – the "evening program" from Lute. Eh… Well, we'll see, as they say. Is life getting better? Or is this just the calm before another storm?