I am Peter Parker

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***

**Penny**

The day has come!

My date with Kim-Chi Bouillon.

My first date ever... And it's not with my brother. When did I become such a fallen woman? When did I become so immoral? If my aunts found out, would they be able to look at me the way they used to? And most importantly...

- What should I wear?

I don't want to look too good for him to fall in love with me. I don't want to show too much either, partly because he's not my brother, partly because I'm still traumatised from the time I showed up naked in front of my brother. But I also want to dress up, it's my first date ever!

- Should I bring him along?

I picked up the Spider-Man costume, wondering if I should put it in my backpack, in my purse, or just wear it underneath.

- Should I bring it with me?

Then I pulled out my brother's face-recognition loyalty belt from my locker.

Not worth it though, the last time I had to sneak into my little brother's room at night to take it off. It was awkward standing over his face with his skirt pulled up while he snored in there.

I won't be taking the costume with me either, if anything, the other girls will take care of everything.

.....

In the end I chose a mega-cool-universal outfit! I'm wearing a white long lace shirt, tight denim shorts that barely fit me and that I can hardly get out of, red socks and closed toe shoes. The second layer I wore was the least sexy lingerie on planet earth, my grandmother's knickers! I'm wearing a regular bra, after all, if I wanted to show my breasts in a non-sexual way, I could just bare them....

- Hello darkness, my old friend... - to lift my plummeting spirits, I sang. It didn't work.

- I've come to talk with you again~" a melodious voice came from behind me.

Turning my head, I was speechless for a while. Standing in front of me was a handsome, doll-like guy dressed in all black. He was clearly wearing expensive brand-name clothes, like a silk shirt, tight jeans, and shoes. Ap-Chi Zdorov is clearly dressed up for our date.

- What's with the mood of decadence? I'm not late, am I? - He sat down across from me with a smile. He really wasn't late, which is weird for guys like him. I've heard they like to marinate girls like that to make it easier to get them into things.

- Mm-hmm. N-no. You're not late. I'm Penny! - I put my hand out for a handshake and knocked over a glass of water, which dramatically flooded the tablecloth.

- Oh, let me help you with that!

While the cute waitress saved the situation by wiping the table, she diverted my attention away from the tiny tears gathering in the corners of my eyes. It took me three seconds to screw up my first date.

- Let me wipe your jeans~ - the glass was half full, plus it was on the opposite side of the table, how could water even get on it?

- No need, better check on my date. - The guy turned to me and smiled.

- She's fine. - like a line from a machine gun, the waitress blurted out. - Let me help you!

Wow, she's persistent. I must have drenched his trousers, that's how much she cares about him.

- All right, help us choose. - he's fending off the kind waitress by blocking the menu. He's a jerk who doesn't appreciate other people's kindness.

We ordered, though it was a bit difficult for me, for I was burning my eyes with the villain opposite, and the kind waitress left us with a sad look. Don't worry, there are people in the world that will appreciate your kindness, fight on!

- I'm sorry. I hate to say this, but if things are gonna work out between us, you're gonna have to get used to it. - he said it with a kind of sadness in his voice. She's a victim, too?!

- She's the one you should apologise to! - I may have been bullied at school a while back, but I'm still the champion of goodness and justice, Spider-Man.

- Excuse me?

.....

While we were waiting for our dishes, he explained to me that the waitress was actually flirting with him. Someone's got a bit too big an ego, don't you think? He then pointed to another girl waving at him with a blush. Who, any rational person would have taken as a friendly person. But not him, calling the kind gesture flirting. Anyway.

Brother's setting me up with another narcissist, huh? Is this his way of showing off for me or what? To show me that he's better than others so that I'll appreciate him even more when he accepts my feelings? God, brother, you're a tsundere...

- Brother and sister.

- А?.. - That's right, he's still here.

- It's nothing. I just noticed how much you and Peter look alike. It's kind of cute. - What's that smile?! Does he really like his brother?! In addition to having a rival, I also have a rival?!

- Koreans are scary.

- No, just our northern part.

.....

We had a nice meal and talked. I tried to find out how far he went with his brother, but I couldn't find out the disturbing truth.

- How was the food? - surprisingly, towards the end of dinner, the cook came out. An older woman with a ring on her ring finger.

- So good that I don't know how I can go back to my homeland now, ha ha ha ha.....

- Ha ha ha ha ha... - she's laughing at his joke? Does she have a crush on him? If I listen to my female instincts, the most rational conclusion can only be one thing - they're dating!

Not only is he a narcissist, has perverse motives for his brother, but he's dating a married woman! Is it possible to find a worse boyfriend than Ban-Wam Dam?!

.....

Why did he volunteer to see me off? He thinks I live in the same house with my brother and he's hoping we'll meet?! I'm going to get him.

- ...Listen, how's Peter? - He suddenly spoke up. He must be jealous. Somebody's got control issues, I see. If you're not dating, you have no right to pry into your brother's private life.

- What are you talking about?

- He didn't tell his family? Haa. Then forget it.

We stopped abruptly, right in front of a dark alley.

- Penny? - I had him pinned against the wall, even though I'm two heads shorter than him. - You're not the shy type, are you?

- Ah-now tell me what's going on in Bro's love life~- the warm poking red feeling woke me up again, it even made me want to smile.

- Kyaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!...

.....

With all my legs, I rushed home to my brother's house after I found out that one of the Avengers had abused him! I have to find out who, then round up the girls and kick some superstardom! They're not the only team of superheroines!

He's probably broken, he's in a bad place, he probably blames himself for what happened! Maybe he thinks he's dirty! But that's not true, brother, it's not true for me! Let me comfort you and take away your pain, by my sincere and innocent care.....

- Oh, the pharmacy. - just in case, we should get some contraceptives. Who knows how much my brother will be grateful for my care?

Don't worry bro, your loving sister is rushing to help your grief, without any selfish motive or benefit to herself!

- Wow... Do they come in different flavours? Do your genitals taste good? - I asked the salesman.

- In twenty years of selling condoms, you are the second person to make me embarrassed.

- That doesn't answer the question!

- Get the ribbed ones that taste like Jamaican oranges...

- That's your recommendation?! Also, why do they have sizes on them? Do penises come in different sizes?! - What a mysterious man's world!

- I'm getting more and more embarrassed...

Brother, I'm on my way, wait for me!

.....

- Brother!!! Are you okay?! I came to innocently comfort you!!! - I burst into the house wrapped in condoms of different sizes, flavours, casings and thicknesses.

He was in even worse shape than I could have imagined! He was standing in the middle of the corridor with a glass of water in his hands! Who knows what he was planning to do with it!!!

- Don't do that!!! - I jumped on top of him, disarming him. - Ughhhh....

- ...Penny... - while underneath me, my brother spoke in a broken voice, is he really going to open up to me?! Come on bro, I'm ready to take everything, all of you, about three hundred and twenty seven times! - What the hell, are you doing!!!

.....

- Haa... - As I stood in the corner once again, bro sighed heavily. - I have too many questions for you. So pick any one to start with. Why are you here? Why did you jump on me? What wasn't I supposed to do? How was your date with Sang-hyun? Why are you wearing what looks like about three hundred and twenty-seven condoms? That's not how you walked down the street, is it?

- I agree... - blushing, I shyly gave my answer.

- Huh? To what?

- To marry you!

*Bang*

- I didn't ask that! - Slapping me on the back of the head made my brother angry again. The slap reminded me why I was here in the first place!

- Brother, it doesn't matter! - My will had grown so strong that I even walked out of the corner without permission! - I heard from Penny the Best Tian...

- How can Han Sang-hyun's name be so mixed up?! And somehow I feel like there's some hidden meaning in that name...?

- I heard from him that you were on a date with one of the Avengers and she... She-- - say it, Penny. - She did things to you against your will!

- What?

- You know. Why use those things that I'm wrapped up in--

- We didn't throw water balloons off the roof. - You can use them anyway?! Condoms are unbelievable! How deep and mysterious is the world of men?

- No! I'm talking about sex, hooking up, spieling, pulling, rolling the dice, making love and making babies!

- Wow, so many synonyms and all without going beyond the 16+ category, amazing.

- Now is not the time to break the fourth wall, bro! Answer the question!

- Penny, nothing happened. Sang-hyun and the guys got confused and I, due to certain circumstances, didn't change their minds.

- Honestly?

- Honestly.

- Phew. - that's a load off my mind. - All right, brother, if you haven't been abused, then I'm going home.

Just as I was leaving, my brother's hand gripped my head in an iron grip.

- Freeze! Who's gonna answer my questions, you little punk?!

** Upstairs at Parker's house **

While Peter was screaming downstairs, telling Penny off, the mutants were hiding in his room.

- Haa... He's been a little jumpy these days. - Sabretooth reacted to the noise.

- Even today, even though things were calm for almost the rest of the day.... - put her palm to her face and spoke motherly to Mystique.

- Isn't it healthy to be nervous? - Nodding at every phrase until then, NEWT joined the conversation.

- Exactly! That's why we must make sure that at least one day in Peter Parker's life goes smoothly! Otherwise, he might die from the constant stress! - and Mystique's determination burst into flames.

- Hey, I have a question... - spoke up Pyro, who had been acting aloof all day. - Aren't we supervillains? Why do we care if he's alive or not?

- Haa... Silly, naive Pyro... - Mystique's motherly voice again. - If he dies, it's going to cause us a lot of difficulties. Starting with what to do with the corpse?

- Well... We can hide it in the house, in one of the rooms, so it won't bother us with its stench.

- After I picked up some new air fresheners?! - Mystique's eyes filled with righteous anger. - I chose a different one for each room, for comfort and cosiness, and you want to ruin it?!

- Come to think of it... In at least two rooms, you use coconut..... - After Piro's rash words, Mystique's eyes were bloodshot, and the likelihood of a corpse appearing in Parker's house suddenly increased dramatically....

However, Sabretooth managed to calm the situation, and the mutants moved on to planning for tomorrow, the first quiet day of Peter Parker's life in a long time! After all, as we know, supervillain plans are always crowned with success...!