I am Peter Parker

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***

- What a beautiful morning today, huh? - I said hello to Sabretooth through the chest where my head was buried.

- Huh? Oh, sorry! - Who for some unknown reason became agitated and bounced sharply away from me. - I promised I wouldn't, but then again I did....

With each word Sabretooth squinted harder and harder, as if expecting a thunderstorm or something scary. She's weird.

- Don't worry, I guess you like to cuddle in your sleep, it happens.

- You're not mad? - looking at me with one eye and covering her ears, she asked with an extremely incredulous tone.

- ...Of course not, you can't control yourself in your sleep! And what guy would be upset about waking up between the big breasts of a beautiful girl? - As my aunts taught me in this world, just one compliment in the morning can make your whole day a success.

- Э?..

While Sabretooth was incomprehensibly petrified on the spot, I smiled at her and headed to the bathtub to get the swelling off my face, routine.

.....

- Oh, Mystique, you're not done with breakfast yet, let me help. - Remembering the other morning routine, I decided to abstain from the bath for the time being and headed downstairs to the kitchen.

- Huh? Peter, don't, it's my job after all....

- Oh come on, you work so hard cooking the most delicious meals in the world every day, so let me help a little. - while she was blushing at the compliment to her cooking skills, I was already stirring the eggs for the omelette. - And I won't take no for an answer.

.....

- Ehhhhh... I love steak, of course, but ... - With knife in hand, NEWT didn't know how to approach slicing.

- Here you go. - and before she had to agonise, I handed her mine, already sliced.

- Thank you, Mystic, I love you! - NEWT accepted it with a wide smile, handing over her plate.

- Oh, you're so direct, that's so sweet. By the way, I'm Peter. - replied with a kind smile.

- Э?.. - NEWT froze with a petrified face, before turning his gaze to Mystique, making sure I wasn't deceiving her.

- Hey, Mystique... - Sabretooth spoke up from behind the desk.

- Yeah...? - Mystique isn't touching her plate either. Maybe I should cut her a steak, too.

- He's starting to freak me out...

- Yeah...

.....

- Pyro, wait! - when she, as usual, was the quickest to leave the table, I called out to her.

- I know we don't talk much, so you have very few lines of dialogue and the world may well have forgotten you existed!...

- What are you talking about?

- But don't worry, even if no one can remember you, you'll always be in my heart!

- Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!!! - Blushing up to her earlobes, she ran down the stairs, leaving me to ponder whether this reaction was better than the standard petrification or not?

.....

- What a beautiful day, what a beautiful me, what a beautiful you and my song~.

I wonder if this is how children feel on their birthday. I honestly can't remember anymore if I've ever been as excited about it as I am today. Last night was the screening of the second episode of the show "Groom for the Avengers," which I obviously didn't watch, because why would I? But at the end of which, the presenter ended on a classy cliffhanger:

- "In the next episode, one contestant will leave the show and only your viewer vote will decide who it will be!" - As soon as I heard a recording of those lines, I immediately asked cute Ripley to throw them on my phone. Since then, it's been on my alarm clock, giving me motivation to get out of bed in the morning.

Speaking of which, maybe I should check out the reaction I'm getting on the internet. Although in what world can you imagine liking a guy like me more than five handsome guys of all tastes with extremely positive personalities?

At the request of my name, articles with headlines like "People are not happy with the casting of a popular show", "Peter Parker, or one reason why the Avengers should not choose the contestants", "Five things Peter Parker should change about himself", "Scandal of a popular show contestant with his girlfriend in the run-up to the project, he's a cheater!" and so on. I don't seem to be well-liked on the internet, which will take an incredible effort to digest.

- Oh, ice cream! - and so, my obstacle-filled journey to inner peace has come to an end, crowned with lemon success with banana slices.....

.....

Happy, I arrived at the studio for what was sure to be my last filming session. I was greeted by everyone with some grim and pitying faces. The guys who gave entertaining speeches about masculinity, the make-up experts praised my skin and hair, and the ordinary workers treated me to coffee. Hell, even as a birthday boy I didn't get as much attention as this!

- X-Okay, now it's your turn, Peter..... - said sweet Ripley without looking me in the eye.

- Shall I say a farewell, in case of departure? - I asked the same question she'd asked the other guys. I was a little confused by the lack of direct wording in my case. - Well, if the Avengers are really looking for a husband, I wish them one. And to the guys, good luck and come back from this project alive.

- How formal! Why do you sound like you're sending them off to war?!

- And I wish you don't get sacked any time soon, Ripley.

- Thanks for the wish, but why would I ever get sacked?!

- ...

- Your silence hurts me more than words.

- Ahem! - the director sneezed loudly. - Ripley, you're in the way, why don't you get busy and not be useless?

- Oh, no! Your words are coming true!

.....

Eventually we were changed into expensive dinner jackets, put a rose in our pocket, which the person who flew out would have to present to the girl who originally chose him and wish her well. My wish to the old woman was written down in advance and without her participation, to avoid the last time we met face to face. The only thing I was asked to do was not to make a face of utter disgust. Which was easy enough, because Ripley had already put the suitcase, this time closed, with my money in the dressing room, even had a guard on it.

- Ы! - so my smile is wide enough that there's barely enough facial area for it.

- Whoa!

While the guys clapped and marvelled at the Avengers in their evening gowns, I couldn't help but think about how I'm going to heal after I put my debt behind me. I'll get a new job, buy a new bedroom door, maybe save up for something cool like a new PC or a trip! When the clouds part, it's a joy to look forward to the future!

- And so, before announcing the result of the viewers' vote! - at this point, I started listening to the host. - The Avengers have the right to grant one of the guys immunity!

Okay.

My bright future.

- The rules for granting it are simple: if three girls vote for one guy, then he gets immunity on his own! In the history of the show, this has only happened twice! Both times before the finals, of course. - Ugh, I'm getting a little tense. - And so, let me open the envelope with the opinions of our lovely heroines!

While my thoughts revolved around the colour of the future door, I caught a glimpse of the Avengers in multi-coloured dresses, like mighty rangers. Thora in black was looking at us with a smile, kind of friendly. Claudia in green passed her gaze over all of us with a blush on her cheeks. Next thing you know, it was starting to smell like trouble.....

Natasha in red was looking at me with a kind of haughty look, and a playful smile. Stephanie in white was smiling too, only in a friendly way, the problem was, only to me. Breena in pink was furtively glancing at me, and averting her gaze whenever our eyes met. And the old woman in orange stared at me, holding up her fists.....

Peter, never mind, don't be one of those ridiculous blokes who thinks that if a girl smiles at them, they're interested in them. Don't paint something that isn't there.

- Whoa! Somebody got immunity! 

...Just one of the guys did well on dates, plus a vote from the one who brought him in, no surprise considering what great guys they are!

- There were four Avengers who voted for him.

...Coincidence, nothing more. You're welcome.

- Congratulations, Peter Parker, you're staying on the show.

- For what?! - I fell to my knees in shock. If the emptiness wasn't eating me from the inside out, tears would be pouring out of me like an ocean....

Life is pain.

.....

In the end Arnold was chosen, even though only fifteen female viewers voted for me, compared to the six and a half million that voted for Arnold. And no matter how much I appealed to logic, no matter how much I grabbed the producers' shoulders to get me instead of him, it was all in vain....

So I was left in the dressing room all alone with a sad look in my eyes, staring into the void.

- Well, Peter, are you glad? - Ripley came in, adding salt to my pepper porridge.

- Huh? Useless? What do you want, come to give me my money? Have you come to mock me? Or did you take out a mortgage in my name and want to repent?

- You're the same old you! I knew you were acting weird because you were nervous before the flight! - she clapped me on the shoulder, painfully, not as much as my heart, but still..... - But everything is fine now! Who knows, if you keep this up, you might even make it to the finals!

- But I don't want to...

- Ha-ha-ha-ha! You and your jokes! - Ripley gave me a sly grin and started pointing her finger at me. - Look, he doesn't want to, but who's got three Avengers, eh? That's right, Stark brought you, so four!

I've been nice to everyone all day, and this is what I ended up with, with Useless poking me in the cheek. Apparently, it's true what they say, the nice guys always lose.... Anyway, I need to come up with a new tactic to get out and stay on top of it!

- Besp-Ripley! One of us is going to have to go on a date with two of them at once, right?! - Dumbfounded by my burst of energy, she nodded. - Then I want to volunteer! And I choose Tora and Claudia!

It's time to go backwards! I'm sure none of the four people who voted for me have any love for me, and if I completely ruin their friends' opinion of me, they'll convince the others not to vote for me! This plan is brilliant, perfect, and my only hope of not going cuckoo!

- Ripley! - I grabbed her by the shoulders. - Please tell me what you'd do if you were me on a date with them!

- Well. - since I couldn't get my ideas to fail, it was time to call in the useless one! In addition to bad advice, it also gives a mood debuff, so there are contraindications, so be sure to consult a specialist before using it!

**Theresa**

On the one hand I'm glad Parker managed to avoid being outed, it gives me more time to find out who he really is. But on the other...

- What was that? - I interrupted the silence of the dressing room.

- It's a show, and an entertaining one at that.... - Natasha answered in her underwear.

- Like I said, we had a good date. - Putting on her bra, Stephanie said with a laugh. - Plus, during it I completely forgot to find out how he ended up on the show in the first place, so I'll wait until next week to find out.

- Do you think he'll survive this one? - Natasha slyly interjected, her breasts against Stephanie's chest.

- I can only hope. - Stephanie answered her with a fearless smile.

I don't like this. I don't like it. I don't remember us ever discussing the guys on the show beyond two sentences.....

- Ugh! - however the silence with red cheeks and Breena's head down, I don't like it even more...

Seriously, what the hell happened between them on their date!