I Start with a Bad Hand!

“We don’t have time.”

Icarus brushed past me without so much as a greeting, striding up the stairs. The spot where he had stood still felt cold. August, who had opened the door, stared after him in bewilderment. I signaled with my eyes that it was okay, and he nodded with a worried expression.

“What’s this all about?”

“I’ll explain later. There’s somewhere we need to go first.”

“Icarus.”

Seeing him standing crookedly in front of the door that used to be Dietrich’s room, waiting for me to open it, I raised my voice. From below, I could hear the butler’s footsteps pacing. I stepped back.

“That’s not my room anymore.”

“…What?”

“I had to change rooms for some reasons.”

…Come this way. Resigning a bit, I moved first, and he followed closely. We didn’t exchange a word on the way to my new room. Once there, we faced each other. Blocking his way by leaning against the door, I nodded.

“…Tell me what’s going on.”

“First, I’d like you to dress warmly.”

Not in those pajamas. Saying this, he leaned against the wall beside my door, glancing at his watch with a slightly anxious face.

“I’m already warm enough. What are you doing?”

“Excuse me.”

At that moment, he took off his fur coat and walked into my room. He began hanging his discarded clothes on the coat rack at the end of my room.

‘…What is this?’

Is my brain frozen from the cold? I stared at him, baffled by his sudden and uncharacteristic behavior, and he started to help me into the clothes he had taken off.

“Arm.”

“What?”

“Put your arm in. Here.”

When I didn’t move and just stared at him as if he were crazy, Icarus, unable to hide his urgency, grabbed my arm and helped me put it through the sleeve.

“What are you doing?”

“I know you hate this, but it’s really urgent.”

What on earth is going on? Despite my skeptical expression, Icarus continued to dress me as if he were attending to a child. When he finally draped his fur coat over me, he looked satisfied.

“Give me your hand.”

“…What?”

Now he was taking off his gloves and confidently asked for my hand. I looked at his outstretched hand and slowly raised my head. His face was innocently playful, making me feel a surge of emotion. I deliberately spoke in a harsher tone.

“I made my intentions clear to you back then. I told you I couldn’t accept your feelings.”

“….”

“Yet you suddenly show up and act like this. It makes me uncomfortable. Your actions and your feelings.”

At that, he withdrew his outstretched hand. In a calm voice, Icarus spoke.

“I never once forced my feelings on you.”

“…What?”

“And I never will.” Icarus said, taking my hand with an indifferent expression. “Just like you can reject my feelings and speak harshly to me, you can’t control my feelings as you please, just as I don’t force my feelings on you.”

His gloves were a bit big on my hand, making it look somewhat like a boneless creature. Yet, Icarus seemed quite satisfied with the fit.

“More importantly, I didn’t come to you tonight to beg you to like me. This isn’t about you… I would have done the same for anyone else.”

“Showing up late at night and forcefully dressing them?”

He paused momentarily, then composed himself.

“I would offer this level of kindness to anyone in need.”

“What are you—”

“Showing up suddenly, lending clothes to someone shivering in the cold—anyone would do that for someone they’re close to, right? I’d do it for someone with curly hair or the eldest daughter of a Marquis.”

This is just a simple act of kindness, like sharing a cookie or a pot of tea.

Hand it over. Icarus extended his hand to me as if it was the most natural thing. He was only wearing a thin shirt while I was bundled up in his vest, jacket, and fur coat over my thick winter pajamas.

When I didn’t give him my hand, he took it nonchalantly.

“You’re the one being unnecessarily defensive. I’m treating you the same as anyone else, so if my actions seem different to you, isn’t that a problem with your feelings?”

I stared at him in astonishment, unable to close my mouth. He seemed to sense my gaze but didn’t react, instead focusing on fitting his gloves onto my hands. He kept glancing at his watch, urging me to respond.

“Isn’t that right?”

I hesitated for a moment, then, after collecting my thoughts, spoke to him as he came closer.

“Stop playing games.”

“…Ha.”

“Do you really think I’d believe—” I began but was cut off.

“Sorry, but I can’t listen to the rest right now. We’re out of time.”

At that moment, Icarus stepped forward, lightly wrapping an arm around my waist, and tore open a magic scroll. Recognizing the scroll, I looked up at him, and his eyes narrowed into a smile.

“It’ll be a bit dizzy.”

Without knowing where we were going or why, I soon felt a wave of dizziness. When I opened my eyes, I saw a ceiling made of canvas or leather.

‘Is this some kind of temporary shelter?’

I couldn’t figure out much, but one thing was clear: we were farther north than Heylem. Otherwise, I wouldn’t feel cold even with these thick clothes on.

Instinctively, I pulled Icarus’s fur coat tighter around me, ignoring his slight smile at my action.

‘How can he look so unaffected by this cold?’

Despite the fire in the tent, the chill remained. Icarus, dressed only in a thin shirt, showed no signs of discomfort. He pulled back the curtain to check outside, his face illuminated by the light.

“…Did you really just use a magic scroll on me without warning?”

I asked as I moved closer to him.

“Where exactly are we?”

But at that moment, he looked back at me silently, unable to hide his excitement. Even in this freezing place, with its biting cold that penetrated even through thick fur, he wore an expression of anticipation. I couldn’t help but move closer, drawn by my curiosity, and he opened the tent’s flap to let me out.

A cold breeze brushed my face in the still air, and the icy air stung my lungs with each breath. But it wasn’t the cold that took my breath away.

Though there was no wind, the dark sky shimmered with light. Blue curtains of light moved slowly, covering the snowy plains.

I turned to look at Icarus. His pale cheeks were tinged with a blush I had never seen before.

“It’s a rare sight even here. I didn’t know when we might see it again, so…”

As I watched the lights dance across the frozen lake, Icarus continued,

“I wanted to show it to you.”

I wanted to run away. From the pitiful feelings blooming under the lights, from the desperate yearning I had been suppressing. Realizing this, I wanted to escape from this moment.

‘What is it about the aurora anyway?’

Really. What’s so special about it? It mesmerizes people, making them forget reason and propriety. It’s a natural phenomenon that resolves nothing. This fleeting moment of wonder will fade from memory, leaving no guarantee behind. 

I stepped back slowly, but my gaze remained fixed on the night sky. Like the movement of celestial bodies untouched by Earth’s climate, I moved slowly, entranced.

“Careful.”

When I stumbled over a small ice block, Icarus quickly reached out to steady me. The cold from our touching clothes was palpable. His hands moved awkwardly as he held me.

Then Icarus gently placed his hand on my forehead.

“Your eyes looked strained.”

This isn’t fair. Forcing something I had let go of back into my hands like this. It’s cowardly. His hand on my forehead was cold and stiff. As I forcefully pushed his hand away, he clumsily moved it with a smile.

“…Why did you bring me here?”

What he gave me was a sense of expectation. A vague hope for the future. The belief that one day I might go on a long European trip, enjoy peaceful holidays in my room, and experience heart-thumping excitement again. It was an expectation of life, which I had given up at some point while staying here.

Like a small squirrel hiding acorns in various parts of a barren land, hoping that somewhere, someday, one might sprout. Holding onto this faint, hopeless hope, he smiled.

“Why did you bring me here?”

But at the same time, I knew that such scenery was deceptive. I knew that I shouldn’t be deluded by the illusions of such moments to positively view the rest of my life. I still had countless problems, and the aurora would not, could not, solve any of them.

“I thought this would be fair.”

“…What?”

“Just as you gave me something to cherish, I wanted to give you at least one thing you could love here.”

And then, in an unexpected moment, something I never thought I would experience fell upon me. Damn, such brilliance enveloped me. His golden hair, shimmering under the polar lights, and his warm, bright red eyes poured an emotion over me that I could never reciprocate.

A feeling that I could never return, a sentiment I could not measure up to, was warming me.

‘If you act so recklessly… what do you expect me to do?’

An emotion I couldn’t reciprocate, a goodwill I couldn’t take responsibility for.

When a single snowflake, carried by the fierce wind, flew towards me, and when he blocked it for me, that pent-up feeling inside me finally broke free.

I do want to live.

Even if I can never see the things I cherished and lost again. Even if the future is filled with loneliness and disgrace, and only shame remains.

Still, I want to live.

Even if it’s a life in a way I didn’t expect, in a direction I didn’t want. Even if it’s the way I once harshly criticized and denied.

“And you will be able to find things like this better than I can. Even when I’m not around someday.”

Tomorrow is frightening, and the morning feels so far away. The problems I have can only be solved by me; nothing else can do anything for me.

Yet, despite that… I am curious.

I encountered the most brilliant light in the darkest of times. It felt like dawn breaking in the dead of night, the brightest and most dazzling moment in my short life.

So, there must be more. Even if not an aurora, there must be other brilliant moments in the unexpected corners of daily life.

So….

Just like I met you here.

“That’s all.”

Before the burning tears welled up in this place, untouched by anything but pure white snow, a reddened hand touched my cheek. Feeling his hand, which had already grown cold and stiff, become hot as if burning, I quietly accepted it.

At the end of this world, where the cold carved itself into my bones, unforgettable warmth seeped in.