If You Raise Three Idols Well, They Will Confess Their Love

130 – I Am an Asshole

Episode 130

-Yes, you are eating properly, right?

“Of course, sister. I have a lot of time to go out right now, but I don’t actually work much. “He’s a total salary thief.”

-I bet you are like that. Also, it’s a good thing if you don’t work yourself to death by gathering all sorts of things that you don’t have to do.

… You know me so well?

-It’s good to have something you want to do. However, don’t try to put everything into it. People are not machines. If you use all your energy just because you can, it will break down.

“… “I’ll try.”

I don’t know if it will work out the way I want…

-Oh, please try to rest.

“Huh… , I’m good at trying.”

After leaving a half-hearted reply to my sister’s nagging concerns, I hung up the phone, sighed, and started fiddling with the keyboard again.

Honestly, my sister had reason to worry. That’s because I haven’t properly stopped by the house to say hello these days. The work-life balance schedule was shattered long ago, but there was no one in particular to blame. This was my original sin of being mentally involved in everything that happened while preparing for my debut, under the desire to make a perfect debut.

Although I was living such a busy life that the words weekend and leisure seemed distant, I somehow managed to carve out time to stay in the studio in order to challenge myself in the new field of composition. Even though it was late at night, even the trains were cut off. However, despite such precious time, the work was slow.

“… I’m really going crazy.”

It wasn’t a problem because there was nothing I could do. The problem was that there was so much that could be done.

The thoughts that washed away like waves, the inspiration that rose like bubbles, and the thoughts that crashed into each other as if they were crumbling, each chanted that they were the right answer. However, not all of them were considered correct answers for 100 points.

“I’m not satisfied with this much…”

The ideal was high.

What I want is a quality that can be called top in the industry.

Even 80 or 90 points are not enough. It must be 100 points. If I can’t do that, I can’t accept it myself. Even if I ignore all my pride and expectations, I will produce a hit song that is sure to succeed.

Reality was weak.

I was a beginner, and although I had high expectations, I was really just an ordinary person who had achieved success by fluke. In fact, it was even questionable whether it was a true success.

I tapped the keyboard. A melody range.

Performance data was uploaded to the sequencer. Played. I erased it again.

I couldn’t even tell if this was good or bad. I just had a vague feeling that this wasn’t enough.

There was a lack of confidence.

There was a lack of talent.

I was lacking.

Feeling frustrated, I got up from my seat and wandered around the hallway, and perhaps unconsciously, I ended up in the smoking room. There were no cigarettes, but I had a strong urge to go inside and feel the scent of cigarettes.

The information that came to mind that a convenience store was about a 5-minute walk away. I just felt desperate for that one pack.

I stopped in place and fought against the strong urge, but then I sighed deeply.

“… “What are you doing to make the kids embarrassed?”

I was a manager who looked after the children. It would be an extremely shameful act for me to be around those children, smelling like cigarettes, because I couldn’t control my impulses.

I gave up and went back to the studio.

And I found a fatigue reliever with a yellow post-it note next to the monitor with the DAW program running.

[Cheer up! – Fan No. 1]

“…”

It was truly undeserved expectations.

“… Shall we try a little harder?”

Still, I wanted to repay those feelings.

The dawn passed like that.

***

“I am an asshole.”

I put my head down on the keyboard and spoke again.

“I am an asshole.”

Oh Jin-woo, who was sampling next to him, clicked his tongue and said.

“Team Leader Seon has finally reached the second stage of creation.”

“What was step 2? Was it a compromise?”

“Bro, that’s step 4. Stage 2 is anger.”

“Angry? “It doesn’t look like Team Leader Seon is particularly angry right now?”

“Unless you are full of confidence like my brother, anger is usually expressed like that. That’s because you feel anger towards yourself.”

“… “Why are you analyzing me earlier?”

“What is that? Step 3?”

“No, the stage hasn’t changed. The target of anger changes towards me.”

Isabella, who was just listening with an indifferent expression, glared at Oh Jin-woo and said.

“Jinwoo’s younger brother. If you know that, shut up a little. Team Leader Seon must be having a hard time right now, so why would he make a joke like that? Did you follow your conscience and sell cheap things?”

“… Yes, Sister Bella.”

“James, if your younger brother is being mean, stop him.”

“… “I’m sorry.”

They both bowed their heads and apologized, but actually, that didn’t matter to me at all. The important thing was the reality that this shitty composition was still lagging.

“Team Leader Seon, please relax a little and take your time. In fact, it is very rare for something to be created to come out of nowhere in a short period of time.”

“I know that, but we don’t have time.”

“… That’s right.”

Maybe if everything had gone according to the original plan, I wouldn’t have had to feel this much impatience. The problem is that I pushed up my debut schedule.

In order to take steps toward debut, including choreography, coordination, music video, stage composition, and package design, the song must be completed as quickly as possible. So there really wasn’t much time left for me.

“Really, I don’t know what to do. “I don’t think anything is the answer.”

“Hmm… , I honestly think that there were many good drafts made by Team Leader Seon. “Wouldn’t it be okay to do one of them?”

“If you’re going to be satisfied with something like that, it’s better to take it off the album.”

“… “That too.”

James Oh smiled slightly as he watched me bang my head on the keyboard again and squeeze out the melody, and spoke in a light tone.

“What does Team Leader Seon want to say with that song?”

“What do you want to say?”

“Yes, it may sound a bit basic, but most songs start with a small message like that.”

“… “I just hit it without thinking.”

“Is that still the case? Even now, as you continue to pursue endless exploration with greed for creation, do you still have nothing to say?”

“…”

“You don’t have to think too hard. There is no need for philosophical discourse, topical accusations, or such great stories. “Team Leader Sun’s intention when he arranged it, a similar context, yes, a simple emotion is enough.”

… What do I want to do with this song?

I have no desire to become a great composer. Because I am a manager by nature, rather than shining myself, I wanted to make my children, who bear the name of the four seasons, shine.

‘… Then I will believe it now. ‘I am already happy now.’

A child who smiled like spring in the cold wind.

‘… Wait for a second, … ‘Hug me for a moment.’

A child who is soft and yearns for warmth more than anyone else, but actually shares his warmth with others.

‘Meeting such a strange person was probably the greatest luck of my life.’

A child who did not give up and did not stop blooming even in the midst of absolute despair.

‘When I see you like that, I wish you were sick instead.’

A child who said he would look like someone, but he ended up becoming cooler.

“…”

I wanted to make it shine.

That was all I wanted to say and that was my intention.

“In that sense, what Team Leader Seon should do now…”

“Stop talking, James.”

“Huh… ? Did I say something strange again?”

“No, that was a good thing. … But I don’t think I need it anymore.”

“… Well, I guess I don’t need it anymore.”

James Oh smiled at Taeyang, who was so immersed in his own world that he couldn’t hear anything around him.

“It seems like you’ve already found your direction.”

***

We were silent after playing the melody contained in the sequencer.

“”…””

Even if I listen to it, I don’t know if it’s 10 points, 50 points, or even 100 points.

Even after countless revisions and polishing, I still wasn’t sure if this was a good song.

But I was certain that this was the song I wanted to talk about.

James O, who was humming the completed melody next to him, asked.

“So what do you plan to title the song?”

“The title? “I haven’t even written the lyrics yet, so isn’t it too early to give it a title?”

“But I think Team Leader Seon might be thinking of something.”

“… That’s true.”

As he said, there was a name I had in mind.

The gazes of James Oh, Jinwoo Oh, and Isabella were gathered together as if they were expecting an answer. He spoke plainly in that gaze.

“Albatross.”

The name that comes to mind when I see those children.

“That’s what I’ll call it now.”

***

“These are the songs I wanted to use in this album.”

After James O finished demonstrating four songs, Two Bear’s employees applauded. However, at the same time, there was a question in some eyes as if asking, ‘Is this the end?’

The reason was not that the four included songs revealed by James O were of low quality or lack of quality. All of his work boasted the highest quality, just like his reputation. Nevertheless, James Oh knew better than anyone else why they were looking at him like that. Because he too was waiting for someone. But the man was not here.

Jin Yeo-reum, who could not bear that question, looked at her and asked a question.

“I… , Team Leader Sun…”

“Sorry for being late.”

At that time, Sun Taeyang opened the door and appeared, apologizing.

Autumn was delighted to see that appearance.

“Oppa Taeyang!”

Taeyang gave Ga Gaeul a small smile and sat down in front of the computer that was outputting the music and said.

“We were a little late because an error was found in the adjustment process.”

“It’s okay, Team Leader Sun. “Everyone understands that the schedule was tight.”

“Thank you for your understanding.”

Taeyang spoke after briefly looking at the four children and Two Bear employees who had their eyes filled with him.

“Then, let’s start playing.”