Jamal's Cry Me A River

Cynthia

six years ago, three weeks after Damson.

Doctor Temi hasn't been around for a week

now. I really wanted to know how she was. Atleast come check on me madam. We

got that close.

I laid down on the hospital bed, Stomach

flat and peacefully asleep. I was feeling better. Numb sometimes, but better.

The cramps weren't as regular as before.

I was asleep and gradually i felt wet

warmth under my chest, and travelled down below my chest level. I woke up, eyes

were still no clear, so i sat up to clean them up.

Now this wamth on m body became cold and

slowly the warmth seepping out. Seeping through what?

On touching my chest, i felt a sticky

sensation. I looked down and found my wear drenched in liquid. This wasn't

sweat. I looked at it for a while.

After tracing where it came from, My

breast. I then knew what it was. It was milk. I just stred at it in awe.

Breathing was the best i could do. I couldn't make myself cry again, not

another time. But tears wanted to escape.

Lactation. I scoffs to my self and

thought "My body had prepared to feed whom could never see it." It

was too much, so i dropped down from the bed and pressed on it and slowly

jiggling them so the flow would stop. Subside atleast. I saw my mother do it

when i was younger. When she had a baby, cute, looked like me and my dad even

if it came from another man other than my father.

After breastfeeding the baby, she would

place her palm against her nipple, gently press against it and jiggles it.

Jiggle is the best word i have to describe it.

I just wished, at that moment, when i had

the milk and the breast, i would have the child too. sucking like my mother's

baby did. And falling asleep shortly after.

Or as i lost the baby, i could have my

mother tell me what to do even if i knew exactly what to. I just wished mummy

could live long enough to take care of me and my sister, Bliss. She was taken

by her father after mom's passing.

Are you expecting me to call him a

bastard? No. Bliss is his child and i had the choice to be under him and not

feel love, beacause i knew it could end up that way or i could go live the life

i wanted. My choices, my consequences to face. He took Bliss to another

country.

He was a perfect husband to my mom and a

logical step dad to me. i just wish i could see Bliss again. Last i checked,

they'd left for another country. This girl might be in college by now. What?

I just stood there beside the hospital

bed smiling. The door opens and my heart went "Doctor Temi," but a

nurse walked in. Closed the door behind her.

"Oh miss, please have a sit"

"it's going to stain the bed"

"Don't worry about that," the

nurse drops a red box she had beside me, "just continue what you're doing

i'll get you a breast support and new sheets."

"I don't have money for that,"

i informed.

The nurse looked up to me with a weak

spression on her face, "it's okay... it's covered."

Before i could ask her what she meant she

zooms out. silence. i looked at the red

box beside me. A rose on it. I took up the box and opened it. There's a picture

of me and Doctor Temi. One selfie we took with her phone. below the picture was a letter and below the

letter was an envelope.

I looked at the flower then i remembered

that it was Febuary 14th, i smiled. That woman just wanted me to forget my

pain. I couldn't. But made things easier. Healing, lightening up my mood, and

telling me stories about her children.

i carried the letter and opened it. The

first word was "Happy Valentines day my dear."

the letter continued, "You have

shown me a different perspective of the world, the one that's hopeful, grateful

and powerful. I have children who for so many reasons and mistakes do not

respect me as much as a child should their mother. i have made grave mistakes

Cythia. Some of which you know about. There are things i want you to put at

heart forever in your life..."

I had a smile on my face. uncertain why

she's amking this so poetic. You're a doctor Temi.

 I

read, "Do not get back with Damson," i chuckled, "Do not betray

the ones you love, cherish them when ever you have the chance. You still have a

chance of having a child, don't be scared. i was and that made me have children

late. And lastly, do not cry for me..."

I furrowed, read faster, "I got into

an accident the last day we saw, i could've been brought to the my hospital but

i wasn't near there. I had a low chance of survival. i didn't want to tell you

right away, i did't want wwyou to know just incase i high leap through

uncertainty. So i wrote this down, to be delivered to you today. I don't mean

to make you sad. bear with me darling. You can't have a terrible wound and

still have another person's. The envelope is for you, whatever amount you want

write it and don't hesitate. Mama has alot. Please attend my funeral and don't

go buying those dresses you always talked about with my money. Love, Temi"

i furrowed, and re read the letter again

hoping i read it wrong, and then i read it for the thrid time.

"no..." i whispered,

"impossible..."

Do you know this joyous and migical

feeling you get when you see someone and you like, love or cherish them even if

it was the first time of seeing and you had already imagined a future with

them.

No one is ever crazy for those thoughts.

i wasn't, i imagined a future where we woul bd friends that would visit

eachother's houses, use eathother's seasonings. Eat eachother's left overs. I

imagined her holding a child... My child. Even if for the most times i thought

it would be a nightmare to try to have one. Now she's gone?

The nurse slowly enters the room with a

nylon of bed sheet and probably the pad - i left the bed and rushed sraight to

her.

"Where is she?" i asked under

my calm breathe.

"i'm sorry, i was told to give

you"

"i said where the fuck is

Temi!"

"You mean doctor Temi? i don't know

where she is, she hasn't been..."

i quivckly shoved the letter into her

hand. She read it and coveredd her mouth in surprise.

My eyes welled up with tears that i could

barely see the nurse, the tears finally dropped down. She said not to count my

losses, "Don't count your losses, you will only make yourself feel more of

a loser."

But these things that happened to me?

Her? I felt like i had lost everything.

Time passed and i stood against the dug

gown as her coffin was de-elevated slowly into the grave. I couldn't stop

crying. Just beside me was her daughter, emotionally shattered, shocked, and

confused. Her daughter who i knew could be in my life but not so far into it as

now... Angel.

One of us had to be strong. I forced

myself not to cry and i approached Angel. A short glance at one another and i

give her a tight hug that lasted almost forever.

I had a friend who knew my pain and

everyting about my life. Now, i couldn't lose another. I felt like letting

someone know my pain would make their life miserable. Or worse like Temi's. So

i didn't tell Angel anything. She only knew of the flowery narratives in my

life. How could I do this? I wouldnaked myself sometimes.