Jordan's Diary

Part 1 – The Calm Before the Storm

Man, I should've known things was too quiet. Too... easy. I been coasting, kinda, not really thinkin' bout all the mess in my head. Josie been on my ass, though—always tryna make me feel shit, always lookin' at me like I'm somethin' worth savin'. I ain't.

Finals is over, prom's next week, and I got people actin' like I should care. I don't. Ain't no point tryna celebrate when life still the same. Ma been actin' different too, all up in my space, like she tryna fix what's already broke. She been askin' me shit, tryna talk, tryna be a mom. Too little, too late.

And Maiesha? She still sneakin' round with me behind Kaleb back, still tryna act like she runnin' shit. I don't care. She think she playin' me, but I'm the one in control. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Josie don't like it, though. She know. I see it in her eyes every time I let Maiesha pull me into some empty ass moment. Josie ain't said nothin' yet, but I can feel it comin'.

And then there's Matthew. My day one. He been on some weird shit, watchin' me too close, like he expectin' me to break. I ain't breakin'. I been broke. Difference is, I know how to keep movin'.

But I can feel somethin' creepin'. That old darkness, that itch I get when things too quiet.

I should've known peace ain't never last for me.

Part 2 – Pressure Bust Pipes

I ain't been sleepin' right. Every time I close my eyes, I see him. My uncle. His hands. His voice. That room. I wake up gaspin', sweatin' like I just ran for my life. But ain't no runnin' from my own head.

Ain't told nobody, not even Matthew. He'd just look at me with that sad ass face like he tryna fix me. I don't need fixin'. I need space.

Josie been askin' too many questions lately. She ain't dumb. She see the way I be movin'. How I shut down when shit get too real. She be tryna hold me, touch me soft like I won't flinch. I hate that she notice.

And Ma? She on some whole different energy. Actin' like she wanna be a mother all of a sudden. I know it's guilt. She see me slippin', see me drownin' in my own head, and now she wanna reach out. But she still won't talk about it. Won't say his name. Won't admit she left me to rot.

"You good, J?" Matthew ask me one afternoon after school.

"Nah," I say, bein' honest for once. "But I ain't never been."

He sigh, sittin' next to me on the school steps. "Prom comin' up. You goin'?"

I huff. "For what?"

"Josie wanna go. With you."

That make me pause. I know she do. She ain't said it, but it's in her eyes every time she look at me. Every time I mess with Maiesha like I don't care. But I do.

I just don't know how to handle that.

"I ain't built for that fairytale shit, Matt," I mumble, pickin' at my sleeve.

"Maybe not. But you ain't gotta be alone, neither."

I don't say nothin'. Cuz what am I s'posed to say? That bein' with Josie make me feel like maybe I could be good? That it scare me more than anythin' else?

I ain't got the words.

So I do what I always do—I change the subject.

But I can feel it. The pressure buildin'. The weight of everything pushin' down. And I know, real soon, somethin' gotta give.

Part 3 – The Breaking Point

I ain't been goin' to therapy. Ain't been returnin' Dr. Reynolds' calls neither. What's the point? She some white lady who nod her head and tell me I got "unresolved trauma." No shit.

Ma been on my ass 'bout it too. She don't even care 'bout my actual mental health—she just worried 'bout appearances. She don't want her rich friends knowin' her daughter is "troubled."

But I ain't her daughter. Not really. I stopped bein' hers the day she let him get away with it.

"You skippin' therapy again?" Josie ask me one day after school. She lean against my locker, arms crossed, lookin' at me like she tryna read my mind.

I shrug. "Ain't feel like goin'."

She click her tongue. "You never feel like goin', Jordan. You don't even try."

I smirk, but it don't reach my eyes. "Why you care so much?"

She push off the locker, takin' a step closer. "Cuz I like you, dumbass. And I hate watchin' you destroy yourself."

That make my chest tight. I don't like the way she say it. Like she see right through me. I hate bein' seen like that.

I look away. "I ain't destroyin' myself."

"You sure?" Her voice softer now. "Then why you keep sleepin' around? Why you keep actin' like nothin' matter? Like I don't matter?"

I feel my jaw clench. My hands curl into fists at my sides. "Ain't 'bout you, Josie."

She scoff. "Yeah? Then what's it about, Jordan? Huh? What the fuck you so scared of?"

That's when I snap.

"You don't know shit 'bout me!" I yell, slamming my locker shut so hard it echo down the hall. "You don't know what I been through, what I—" My voice crack, but I swallow it down. I shake my head, chest heavin'. "You don't get it."

Josie don't back down. She step even closer, eyes lockin' on mine. "Then make me get it."

I breathe hard through my nose. My heart poundin'. My whole body feel hot, like I might explode. I wanna run. Wanna punch somethin'. Wanna disappear.

But Josie don't move. She just waitin'.

And somehow, for the first time, I don't got it in me to push her away.

So I do the only thing I know how. I break.

"I loved her," I whisper, barely hearin' my own voice. "I loved Jasmine, and she left me. For a fuckin' dude. She made me feel like I ain't enough. Like I ain't never gonna be enough."

Josie blink, her face softenin'. "Jordan—"

"And my uncle—" I choke on the words, my stomach twistin'. "He took somethin' from me. Somethin' I ain't never get back. And my own fuckin' mother ain't believe me. She ain't believe me, Josie." My voice crack all the way this time. My vision blur.

Josie just stand there, frozen, her lips partin' like she don't know what to say.

I turn away quick, tryna wipe at my face before the tears fall. But it's too late. They already spillin'.

For once, I ain't got the strength to hold 'em back.

Part 4 – Letting Go

Josie don't say nothin' at first. She just stand there, lettin' me break in front of her, and for once, I ain't even tryna hold it together. My whole body feel too heavy, too tired. I ain't never said that shit out loud before. Not like that. Not with no one lookin' at me like they actually care.

I wipe at my face quick, tryna get my shit together, but Josie ain't lettin' me run this time.

"Jordan," she say soft. Real soft.

I shake my head. "I ain't tryna—"

But she just pull me in. Just like that. No askin'. No hesitatin'. Her arms wrap tight around me, holdin' me like she ain't ever gonna let go.

And I break even more.

I ain't used to this. Ain't used to nobody holdin' me just to hold me. Ain't used to feelin' like maybe, just maybe, I ain't gotta carry all this shit by myself.

So I let myself sink into her. Just for a second. Just this once.

Ain't no words after that. We just stand there in that empty hallway, her holdin' me up while I finally let myself fall.

The next few days, Josie ain't act different. She ain't look at me like I'm fragile or fucked up. She just there. Like always. Like she see me, and it don't make her wanna leave.

Matthew peep it, though. He walk up to me one day in the cafeteria, sittin' across from me with that look in his eyes like he know somethin'.

"You told her, didn't you?" he ask, voice low.

I pause, then shrug. "Told her what?"

He huff a laugh, shakin' his head. "Don't play dumb. You told her 'bout Jasmine."

I chew on the inside of my cheek, glancin' across the room at Josie. She sittin' with her friends, laughin' at somethin, but every now and then, she glance at me like she checkin' if I'm good.

I look back at Matt. "Yeah."

He nod, real slow. "That all you told her?"

My stomach twist. He know me too well. But I ain't ready for that yet.

I lean back in my chair. "None of your business, man."

He snort. "Bet. But if she know half of it, she gon' wanna know the rest."

I already know that.

And it scare the hell outta me.

The day of prom come faster than I expect. Everybody hyped 'bout it, but I ain't been payin' it no mind. I ain't even plan on goin'.

But then Josie hit me with that look.

"You comin', right?" she ask, leanin' on my locker with that lil' smirk of hers.

I scoff. "What I look like goin' to prom?"

She roll her eyes. "Like somebody who need to have some damn fun for once."

I shake my head. "I ain't got a dress. Ain't got a date neither."

She step closer, her voice drop. "Who said you needed a dress?"

My stomach flip.

She waitin' on me to say somethin'. Waitin' on me to stop runnin'.

So I take a breath, let my shoulders relax, and look her dead in the eye.

"Aight," I say. "I'll go."

Her whole face light up. "Bet."

And just like that, I realize maybe, just maybe—this ain't the end. Maybe it's just the start of somethin' real.

Part 5 – The Start of Somethin' Real

Prom night come fast, and I ain't gon' lie—I almost backed out. Almost hit Josie with some last-minute excuse, talkin' 'bout how this kinda thing ain't for me. But when I saw her standin' outside my spot, waitin' for me with that same damn smirk that make my chest feel funny, I knew I wasn't goin' nowhere but with her.

I ain't wear no dress, obviously. Ain't nobody finna catch me slippin' like that. Instead, I pulled up in some fresh black slacks, a button-up with the sleeves rolled, and a chain 'round my neck. Still me, just cleaned up a lil'. Josie? She was somethin' else. Had on this fitted suit that made me forget how to breathe for a second.

"Shit," I muttered when I saw her.

She grinned. "Damn, Jordan, you clean up nice."

I shoved my hands in my pockets. "You too, or whatever."

She laughed. "That the best compliment I'm gettin'?"

I looked her up and down real slow, lettin' her feel it this time. "You look good, Jo."

Her smile softened. "You too."

And just like that, we was off.

Prom was exactly what I expected—loud music, too many people, fake smiles, and girls tryna get my attention. Normally, I'd be on some fuckgirl shit, flirtin' with everybody just 'cause I could. But tonight, I wasn't lookin' at nobody but Josie.

Matthew caught on real quick.

"Look at you," he teased, nudgin' my arm. "Actin' like a whole date or somethin'."

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up, man."

He just laughed, shakin' his head. "Nah, for real. It's good to see you like this."

Like what? I wanted to ask. But I already knew what he meant.

Josie pulled me onto the dance floor at some point, and I ain't fight her on it. We wasn't all over each other like some of these couples, but she stayed close. Kept lookin' at me like I was somethin' worth lookin' at.

Then, outta nowhere, the DJ switched up the vibe. Slowed everything down. And Josie? She ain't hesitate.

She stepped closer, slid her arms 'round my neck, and whispered, "Dance with me."

My heart did this stupid-ass thing where it stuttered in my chest. But I ain't back down.

"Aight," I murmured, settin' my hands on her waist.

The world got quieter. It was just us.

She looked up at me, eyes shinin'. "You havin' fun?"

I smirked. "Shockingly, yeah."

She grinned. "Good." Then, her voice softened. "I like this side of you."

I swallowed hard. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." She held my gaze. "I like all your sides, Jordan. Even the ones you think you gotta hide."

I damn near stopped breathin'.

She always knew how to get to me, always saw past the bullshit. And right then, I knew—I wasn't runnin' from her no more.

So I did somethin' I ain't ever done before.

I leaned down… and kissed her.

The rest of the night was a blur. We danced, we laughed, we left early just to sit on the hood of her car, watchin' the stars in comfortable silence.

I ain't know what was gonna happen after this. Ain't know if I was built for somethin' real.

But for once, I wasn't scared to try.

Maybe, just maybe, this was the start of somethin' good.

Part 6 – Maybe I Was Wrong

I never thought I'd be the type to say some corny shit like "that night changed everything," but damn if prom night ain't do just that.

I was still me—still rough 'round the edges, still tryna figure shit out, still fightin' demons that wouldn't let me breathe. But for once, I wasn't fightin' alone.

Josie stuck close after that night, closer than she ever had before. And I let her.

Maybe that was the real change—me finally lettin' somebody in.

The next week was a mess. Finals had everybody stressed out, prom gossip was still floatin' around, and the fact that we was all 'bout to graduate in a few weeks had the whole school actin' up.

But through all that noise, one thing kept pokin' at me.

Josie.

And the way she kept pushin' me to do the one thing I'd been avoidin' my whole life.

"Talk to your mom," she said one afternoon, sittin' on my bed like she belonged there.

I scoffed. "Yeah, 'cause that always go so well."

Josie ain't back down. "Jordan. You can't keep holdin' this in."

I sighed, fallin' back against my pillows. "You don't get it."

"Then make me get it."

I closed my eyes, jaw tight. "She never listens, Jo." My voice came out quieter than I meant it to. "Never did."

Josie shifted closer, her hand findin' mine. "Maybe she's ready now."

I wanted to believe that. But belief was somethin' I ain't never been good at.

Still… for Josie, I'd try.

That night, I sat across from my mom in the kitchen, my leg bouncin' under the table.

She looked up from her phone. "You good?"

I almost laughed. "Not even a little bit."

She frowned, finally puttin' her phone down. "What's wrong?"

I swallowed hard. My throat felt tight, like my own words was chokin' me before I could get 'em out.

Then I thought about Josie. About how she always told me I ain't gotta be strong all the time.

So I forced myself to speak.

"You remember when I was five?" I asked, voice barely above a whisper.

She stiffened. "Jordan—"

"Nah." My hands curled into fists. "Don't do that. Don't brush me off. Just listen."

For once… she did.

I told her everything. Not just what happened back then, but how it made me feel. How it still made me feel. How every time she ignored it, she made it worse.

And for the first time in my life… she ain't look away.

Tears welled up in her eyes. "Baby, I…" She shook her head. "I was wrong." Her voice cracked. "I was so wrong."

I just stared at her. "You believe me now?"

She nodded, and the tears spilled over. "I always should have."

I ain't know what to say to that. Ain't know how to feel.

But when she reached across the table, takin' my hand in hers, I ain't pull away.

Maybe Josie was right. Maybe people could change.

Maybe I wasn't as alone as I thought.

A week later, I found myself standin' outside Josie's house, palms sweaty, heart poundin' like I just ran a damn marathon.

She opened the door, smilin' when she saw me. "Hey, you."

"Hey."

She let me in, leadin' me to her room like she always did.

I ain't sit down, though.

Instead, I turned to face her, takin' a deep breath. "I need to tell you somethin'."

She raised an eyebrow. "What's up?"

I hesitated, then said the words that'd been sittin' on my tongue for too damn long.

"I want you to be my girl."

Josie blinked. "Jordan…"

"I mean it," I rushed on, feelin' my face heat up. "I been runnin' from this shit 'cause I'm scared, 'cause I don't know how to do this, but I don't wanna run no more."

She just stared at me, her eyes searchin' mine. "You serious?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I am."

Slowly, a smile spread across her face. "Took you long enough."

I let out a breath I ain't know I was holdin' and smirked. "So that's a yes?"

She rolled her eyes, then grabbed my collar, pullin' me down into a kiss.

And just like that, I knew.

Maybe I could have a happy ending after all.

Part 7 – Maybe I Was Wrong About That Too

Graduation day hit different.

It wasn't just 'cause we was finally done with high school or 'cause I somehow survived prom without punchin' Kaleb in the face again. It wasn't even 'bout the caps and gowns, or the fake-ass speeches about "new beginnings."

It was 'cause, for the first time in my life, I ain't feel trapped.

I stood in the auditorium, adjustin' my cap, feelin' the weight of the past four years sittin' on my shoulders. Except, for once, it ain't feel heavy—it felt light.

Josie stood next to me, nudgin' my side. "Nervous?"

I scoffed. "Please. What I look like bein' nervous?"

Matthew snorted from my other side. "A liar, that's what."

I shot him a glare, but he just grinned.

The principal called our names one by one, and we made our way across the stage. I ain't even trip—look at me, bein' all smooth and shit.

Then, just like that, it was over.

High school.

A whole damn chapter of my life.

Gone.

And I was still here.

After graduation, we all ended up at Josie's house for a small celebration—just the three of us.

I sat on the couch, sippin' a Coke, watchin' as Matthew and Josie bickered about somethin' dumb.

I should've been stressin' about what came next. College. Cambridge, of all places. Who the hell would've thought my ass would end up in one of the best universities in the world?

Not me, that's for sure.

But Matthew knew.

Josie knew.

Hell, even my mom knew.

And for once, I let myself believe it too.

Later that night, I found myself sittin' on Josie's balcony, starin' up at the sky.

She slid the door open and stepped outside, wrappin' a blanket 'round her shoulders. "Knew I'd find you out here."

I smirked. "You psychic now?"

She sat next to me, bumpin' her shoulder against mine. "Nah. Just know you."

I let out a breath. "Shit's wild, huh?"

"What is?"

"All of it. Graduatin'. Doin' this whole… future thing." I shook my head. "Ain't think I'd make it this far."

Josie was quiet for a moment, then she reached over, takin' my hand. "Well, you did."

I looked at her, my chest feelin' warm in a way I still wasn't used to. "Yeah. Guess I did."

She grinned. "Cambridge ain't ready for us."

I chuckled. "Hell nah, they ain't."

She squeezed my hand. "You happy?"

I thought about that for a second. About everything I'd been through, everything I'd survived.

And for the first time in a long time, I ain't have to lie.

"Yeah," I said, smilin' at her. "I think I am."