Just A Friend

#47

“What time should we go tomorrow?”

Nam Seonwoo gave his prepared answer.

“Let’s be separate tomorrow. You should focus on the exam.”

“…Then where should we meet after it’s over?”

“I said, let’s be separate tomorrow.”

The reply, which seemed like it would never come, surprisingly arrived within a few minutes.

“Okay.”

Nam Seonwoo’s eyes moved as Kang Jihan’s hands readjusted his loosened scarf. The corners of Kang Jihan’s mouth were forcibly turned upwards. An awkward smile accompanied by dimples.

“Do well on the exam.”

Nam Seonwoo’s gaze, which lingered briefly on Kang Jihan’s slightly pale cheeks, slid back to the sky.

* * *

He bombed the college entrance exam.

It was a somewhat expected result. It was natural, given that during the time he should have been burning the midnight oil, studying had taken a backseat to unnecessary thoughts. Even though these were problems he had solved fifteen years ago, that vague familiarity was more of a hindrance than a help in solving them.

Nam Seonwoo calmly accepted his preliminary score. Even with his well-maintained school records, getting into Korea University was nearly impossible.

‘Clean cut.’

If they had both been accepted to the same university, that would have been troublesome in its own way. So this was better. He could study for another year for university, and incidentally, clear his mind with an ascetic lifestyle.

This was also why he didn’t want to meet Kang Jihan at the exam site. He didn’t want him to notice anything strange if they happened to compare answers during breaks. Kang Jihan shouldn’t know about this until the final acceptance results were out. Only then would he safely enroll in Korea University.

So even after the exam was over, he didn’t show any signs. He had already laid the groundwork with Park Gyuhyeon and the homeroom teacher, hinting that he “might have to retake the exam next year.” Even though Park Gyuhyeon was known for his loose lips, he kept quiet when he heard his friend had done poorly on the exam. When classmates talked about the class president’s expected score, he would change the subject.

The homeroom teacher was helpful in a different way. After sighing deeply at Nam Seonwoo’s request for secrecy and offering unsolicited advice, the teacher completely lost interest once another “Korea University admission candidate” appeared.

And Kang Jihan…

Perhaps because of the request not to meet on exam day, he was waiting in front of Nam Seonwoo’s house from dawn the day after the exam. His expression said it all. Kang Jihan had done well on the exam.

Unable to contain his rising smile, Kang Jihan greeted him in the morning with a face that seemed to be seeking praise. Seeing that bright smile immediately put Nam Seonwoo at ease. He might have smiled back because of that.

The exact score of Kang Jihan became known due to the vice principal and homeroom teacher who rushed into the classroom, making a fuss. One. That was the number of questions Kang Jihan got wrong on the exam. Because of this, the school was in an uproar. Rumors that Kang Jihan had falsified his preliminary score sheet were just the beginning. All sorts of talk circulated, from accusations of cheating to claims that he had bought the questions in advance.

But Kang Jihan, the person at the center of it all, seemed the most detached from these rumors. He was busy studying things like date spots around campus and the dormitories at Korea University.

“They say the dorms near the back gate are two-person rooms.”

“Oh? Ah…”

“It’s a bit far from our building, but I think it’ll be fine.”

“Oh, well…”

While he could somehow hide that he had bombed the exam, he couldn’t bring himself to give false encouragement to Kang Jihan when he talked like this. It felt like deception. As someone who was planning to break up with him in a few days, the idea of ‘deception’ was laughably ironic even to himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to smile along when Kang Jihan was like this. He could feel Kang Jihan’s gaze whenever he awkwardly let responses slide or changed the subject, but Kang Jihan didn’t say anything in particular.

The classroom after the college entrance exam was almost like a movie theater. From the start of homeroom to the end of the final class, the lights in the classroom were never turned on. The dark classroom hid Nam Seonwoo’s uncomfortable expressions, and the movies playing all day filled the awkward silences.

So he thought he was handling it pretty well, but apparently, he couldn’t fool Kang Jihan after all.

From some point on, Kang Jihan stopped talking about campus life. He started to glance at Nam Seonwoo’s profile more cautiously, and when someone brought up the exam, he would seriously shut them up.

After showing signs of hesitation for a few days, Kang Jihan suddenly said:

“Let’s do it together.”

It wasn’t a direct question about whether he had done poorly on the exam, nor an indirect question about whether something was wrong. Kang Jihan said it with straightforward eyes. Looking at those firm eyes, Nam Seonwoo asked with a sinking feeling:

“Do what?”

“Let’s do it one more time,” Kang Jihan emphasized, adding, “Together.”

Nam Seonwoo couldn’t help but chuckle. He couldn’t help but laugh at the guy who had scored nearly perfect marks saying he would retake the exam.

He had tried not to let it show because he knew what kind of person Kang Jihan was.

Still, it was fortunate. While Kang Jihan had noticed that ‘Nam Seonwoo had done poorly on the exam,’ he didn’t seem to have any idea that ‘Nam Seonwoo was planning to break up.’

“Go to university. Don’t say such foolish things.”

Kang Jihan was stubborn, showing no attachment to his exam score. But Nam Seonwoo knew exactly how to handle Kang Jihan. With a mix of threats – that he would only tell him which cram school he was attending if Kang Jihan enrolled in university – and persuasion – that a university student boyfriend was better than a repeat exam taker boyfriend – Kang Jihan’s sullen face eventually, albeit reluctantly, became compliant.

“Just in case, don’t even think about taking a leave of absence.”

“…”

“Answer me.”

“…Then I’ll come see you whenever I have a break between classes.”

“What are you going to do coming to see me while I’m studying?”

“I’ll cook for you.”

“Shouldn’t you be buying me food instead? Give up on cooking already.”

It wasn’t the original talk about campus life, but Kang Jihan, talking about the next year they would spend together, truly looked excited. Despite the pricks of conscience, what brought relief was that the person before him seemed more colorful and stronger than the Kang Jihan from his previous life.

‘This’ Kang Jihan wasn’t ashen like in the dream. He wasn’t precarious like ashes that could scatter at any moment, nor was he withered. He didn’t gnaw at the present with resentment towards his birth father, nor was he somewhat negligent towards his mother because of it.

So it should be alright. Although he felt bad about not being able to attend his mother’s funeral together, he was confident that this time, Kang Jihan would be able to send his mother off well.

‘It’s done now.’

This clear thought came to him around dawn, a few hours before the graduation ceremony.

* * *

It was the first snow.

The snow that hadn’t fallen on Christmas or New Year’s was now tactlessly pouring down as February was coming to an end.

Despite the weather being warm enough for snow, Nam Seonwoo had his scarf wrapped tightly. The wool covering half his face felt scratchy. Pushing his hands deeper into both coat pockets, Nam Seonwoo looked up.

The banner hanging on the school gate had “11th Graduation Ceremony” written in large letters. The ceremony must have started, as the sound of a microphone could be heard from the annex where the auditorium was located. The thunderous applause was loud enough to be heard outside the school gates.

Nam Seonwoo had already stopped by the classroom early in the morning to pick up his diploma and yearbook. He never intended to participate in the ceremony. His parents wouldn’t be coming anyway, and there was no reason to attend a formulaic graduation ceremony twice.

The reason he came to school today was solely to bid farewell to Kang Jihan.

Unusually, this morning, Kang Jihan had sent a message telling him to go ahead. Thanks to that, he was able to easily pick up his diploma in advance, but he also found it strange. He wondered if something had happened to Kang Jihan’s mother, but feeling it would be excessive meddling at this point, he didn’t reply separately.

As he was waiting for him, mentally rehearsing the words he had practiced countless times, he heard it.

The sound of footsteps approaching, thud, thud, distinctly reached his ears. Not the hurried steps of someone late for the ceremony, but slow and regular footsteps that were clear even amidst the clamorous noise from inside and outside the school. Just like when all his nerves were focused on the sound echoing in the corridor back then, Nam Seonwoo turned his head towards it.

Click.

Kang Jihan’s phone was pointed at Nam Seonwoo. As he stared blankly at the camera lens, Kang Jihan pressed the shutter button two or three more times.

“…What are you doing?”

“Taking pictures of you.”

Seemingly quite pleased with what he had captured on screen, Kang Jihan walked over with one hand hidden behind his back, satisfied as he looked down at his phone. He was wearing only his school uniform jacket, as if he wasn’t cold.

“I mean, why are you taking pictures?”

“Because you’re pretty.”

Kang Jihan smiled brightly and gently patted Nam Seonwoo’s crown. The snow that had accumulated there scattered and fell at his touch.

“Why aren’t you going in?”

“I was waiting for you.”

Kang Jihan’s eyes widened slightly at those words. Then, as he burst into a fresh smile, Kang Jihan smelled of flowers. It was a common scent that usually overwhelmed one’s nose during graduation season. But strangely, the scent coming from him felt like it was gently unblocking a numbed sense of smell.

As Nam Seonwoo stared fixedly at the suspiciously hidden hand, Kang Jihan fidgeted with his nape.

“I was going to give it to you after it was over.”

“…”

“I didn’t know you’d be waiting.”

What came out from behind his back was a bouquet of flowers. An incredibly large one at that.

“Congratulations on your graduation.”

The bouquet that filled his vision was a bit excessive for a graduation ceremony. The flowers, blooming vibrantly even in winter, were so saturated in color that their hue reflected in his eyes.

Was this why his parents had asked yesterday if they should come to the graduation ceremony? Nam Seonwoo smiled bitterly under his scarf. Due to his busy parents, he had always been alone at these events since elementary school. Of course, he didn’t feel sad or lonely about it. Instead of family, he always had friends with him, and his parents always showed their love in other ways. Yet, actually receiving a bouquet gave him a strange feeling.

“Is it too much?”

Seeing Nam Seonwoo just staring at the flowers without taking them, Kang Jihan smiled awkwardly. Nam Seonwoo etched that image in his eyes for a moment. Then he spoke.

“Kang Jihan.”

Kang Jihan gave him a puzzled look. Nam Seonwoo secretly clenched and unclenched his hand in his coat pocket, then swallowed once. Thanks to his practice, his voice came out calmly without a hint of trembling.

“Let’s break up.”