Just A Friend

#66

“If you’re uncomfortable, want to leave with me?”

“…No thanks. Just fill my glass.”

It seemed like he needed to drink a bit today. Nam Seonwoo downed the soju Kim Minhwan had filled in one go, irritated that the reason he was turning to alcohol in this life, as in his previous one, was ‘Kang Jihan’.

He felt a bit hot, as if the heat was belatedly rising in his body. So now his irritation shifted to the hat and hood covering his head.

‘This is all because of Kang Jihan too…’

Nam Seonwoo gritted his teeth as he threw off his hat. This cumbersome outfit would be gone from tomorrow. He vowed to dress like a fresh college student from tomorrow on, when someone poured him another drink.

“Have my glass too!”

Even without asking Kim Minhwan, Nam Seonwoo’s glass kept being filled. His classmates continually offered drinks, and Nam Seonwoo didn’t particularly refuse. It was partly to escape his thoughts that were consumed by Kang Jihan, but he was also enjoying mingling with people after a long time.

As his eyelids grew heavy from the slowly rising intoxication, Nam Seonwoo checked the time. It was well past midnight.

“Wow.”

I’m young, he muttered, then chuckled a few seconds later. He seemed to be drunk indeed. Having been drinking continuously for hours, he felt a bit dizzy when he stood up.

As it seemed like the party was winding down, Nam Seonwoo put his drunk classmates one by one into taxis. Kim Minhwan, who had called himself a “dark knight,” was far from helping with the cleanup and just kept repeating, “Absolutely no to Seonwoo’s hat!”

After sending off that noisy guy last, his legs suddenly gave way. He leaned his stumbling body against the building’s outer wall, but his vision was still spinning. So he plopped down on the ground.

“Ugh, I’m dying…”

It seemed he had drunk too mindlessly. He could count on one hand the number of times he had drunk like this, trusting his alcohol tolerance, in his over thirty years of life. When was the last time he drank like this? As Nam Seonwoo was slowly connecting his thoughts, he suddenly remembered and slapped his knee.

It was at a pojangmacha with Park Gyuhyeon. He was this drunk when he cried miserably, saying “I think Kang Jihan is tired of me.” Back then, he had lain down on the road because the ground seemed to be moving wildly. Remembering his immature past self made him laugh involuntarily.

“Haha…”

Kang Jihan’s face as he lifted him up from the ground was still vivid. He loved the irritated touch that brushed off his clothes, saying “What the hell are you doing?”, and the furrowed brow creased with annoyance.

He had done it a few more times, trying to cling to that small affection that seemed to remain. Until Kang Jihan stopped coming to get him.

“…Ha.”

Like a scene frozen there, Nam Seonwoo’s laughter abruptly stopped.

What are you grinning about, you idiot? Why are you thinking about Kang Jihan again? Nam Seonwoo stiffened his smile and banged his head against the wall repeatedly.

…This time, he really shouldn’t get entangled.

He knew this familiar resolution had crumbled ridiculously before. But now was different from two years ago. They were no longer high school students in the same classroom, but people who could avoid each other if they wanted to. Even the Manito assigned for the team project could be done perfunctorily if he was strict about it.

Even if Kang Jihan acted strangely, even if his heart stirred again, it should stop right there with nothing beyond. This time, he absolutely wouldn’t do something stupid like dating Kang Jihan.

When he pulled his numb forehead away from the wall, he suddenly felt dizzy. Thinking he might have hit it too hard, he felt his forehead, but the pain was faint. The dizziness seemed worse than the pain. Moreover, his eyelids were getting heavier, as if sleep was coming.

Nam Seonwoo closed his eyes for a moment, leaning his forehead against the wall. Just for a moment, until the alcohol wore off. Contrary to his promise to himself, his consciousness gradually blurred. Just as he was about to fall asleep, he felt as if his body was floating.

They say you feel like you’re flying when you’re drunk. Is this what it feels like? But it felt closer to being lifted by someone. How else could he explain the warmth enveloping his waist and the back of his knees?

“…?”

As he barely lifted his heavy eyes, the warmth receded. His body was back on the ground. But the sensation on his buttocks felt different. When he reached down to feel, he touched fabric instead of the rough stone floor.

Nam Seonwoo dazedly lowered his head. There was a denim jacket spread out there.

“Nam Seonwoo.”

Before he could lift his head towards the voice, both his wrists were grabbed. The touch brushing off his palms was rough. It felt almost like being hit on the palms with a rod, making him frown and say “Ow,” and he thought he heard a clicking tongue. The touch that had changed from a rod to a duster soon moved meticulously to his knees and shins.

Nam Seonwoo blinked slowly. What he saw up close was not the wall he had been leaning on, but a slightly furrowed brow.

‘…Huh?’

This was strange. It had been quite a while since Kang Jihan stopped coming to get him. Did Park Gyuhyeon call him? No, no… That was in the past. Come on, get it together, you idiot Nam Seonwoo.

He rubbed his eyes, but Kang Jihan was still in front of him. Nam Seonwoo looked around. The outer wall behind him was indeed the building of the bar where he had been with his classmates. Since the location was the same, it didn’t seem to be a dream, which left only one answer. His alcohol-addled brain had finally reached the point of producing hallucinations.

“Was Finland fun?”

It even spoke. He really had no idea how drunk he was. He kept chuckling at his own patheticness.

“Yeah. It was fun.”

“Really?”

He thought answering might sober him up a bit, but he heard the auditory hallucination again. It really felt like having a conversation.

“I didn’t have fun.”

So what did he want him to do about it? Even the way of speaking was just like Kang Jihan. Well, it had to be. The Kang Jihan created by his brain would be a mixture of all the Kang Jihans he knew.

Silence followed. But perhaps because it wasn’t “real,” it wasn’t uncomfortable. Rather, it felt so comfortable that he felt he could fall asleep at any moment, so he leaned his back against the wall. Nam Seonwoo, lying askew and looking at Kang Jihan, blurted out whatever came to his mouth.

“How did you get here, you stalker?”

“I searched all the bars in front of the school.”

“Wow, that’s creepy.”

“Is this all it takes?”

When he closed and opened his eyes, Kang Jihan was a little closer.

“If you knew what I’ve been doing for the past year, you’d be shocked.”

The breath he felt up close, and the feeling of his hair being touched, were too vivid. He felt something was a bit off, but soon that doubt was overwhelmed by the sleepiness weighing down his consciousness.

“Why did you take off your hat?”

“…”

“Wear it again. It bothers me when you don’t.”

Nam Seonwoo yawned softly. Too tired to listen anymore, he closed his eyes, and the voice seemed to take form and tickle his cheek.

“Sleepy?”

“Yeah… I want to go home.”

“Where’s your home?”

“Don’t you know my home, you idiot?”

If you were created in my brain, you should know exactly. As he mumbled with slurred speech, a laugh brushed past his ear. He shivered a little, loving that low voice to the point of getting goosebumps. The moment he unconsciously made a sound in his throat, the voice that had been constantly annoying him suddenly stopped.

“…You must be cold.”

The voice that came after a while was even lower than before. His body instinctively curled up as if preparing for tension. But even through the overwhelming sleepiness, he knew this wasn’t because he was cold.

It’s not that I’m cold, it feels good. He was only muttering internally, unable to say it out loud, when Kang Jihan whispered softly.

“Want me to warm you up?”

Before he could answer, his body suddenly became warm. More precisely, it was his lips, but the warmth spread throughout his entire body in an instant.

He couldn’t think of anything due to the sudden heat. It felt like his brain had stopped. Even when something hot invaded between his lips as if stirring his hazy mind, he could do nothing but tremble at his fingertips.

His body was drooping endlessly like a water-soaked cotton, but his lips and chest kept twitching like a live fish. Suddenly, a warning light went off in his head. He didn’t know what it was warning against, but he felt he should stop. Something was extremely dangerous.

When he barely managed to turn his head and separate their lips, his chin was forcibly turned back. As the breath approached again, Nam Seonwoo barely gathered his strength and pushed Kang Jihan’s face away. It seemed he had pushed him away properly, feeling the impact. But an inexplicable sense of discomfort followed.

Why can I touch him? That’s a fake created by my brain…

“It reminds me of the old days.”

The momentary sense of discomfort disappeared at the sound of laughter whose meaning he couldn’t understand. Kang Jihan was laughing. So widely that it was hard to believe he was the one who had just been hit in the face. Then he asked something strange.

“Want to hit me one more time?”

As Nam Seonwoo could only breathe heavily, unable to think straight, Kang Jihan pulled his hand on his own. Then he used that hand to slap his own cheek hard. Although it looked more like scratching his cheek due to the curved fingers without strength, Kang Jihan seemed to enjoy even that. As if asking, ‘Did you hit me?’

The hand that had been holding his chin now wrapped around the nape of his neck. Despite the gentle touch, Nam Seonwoo couldn’t move his head for some reason. With his hand caught too, there was nothing he could do to stop Kang Jihan now.

The moment their lips overlapped again, hot breath poured into his mouth. The feeling of that pleasant voice filling his mouth was thrillingly good. By that point, it was too strange. He was confused about whether the man in front of him was really an illusion.