My ridiculous days

First, I must thank the Party for giving me this chance to attend college; next, I thank my high school teachers—their "guidance" landed me in this "university" (though its name says "school"). Then there's... well, I haven't decided who else to thank yet, but let's just say a tiny thank-you all around.

Carrying my stuff, I went up to the second floor and found Room 210. Pushing the door open, the first thing I saw was bed boards. On the floor, garbage bags blazed red as fire, pink as clouds, white as snow...

So this was a college dorm! An 8-person standard room, four beds already taken. After choosing a lower bunk and settling my luggage, two guys walked in: one short and baby-faced, the other looking mature. My first thought: greet the dormmates.

"Hi, I'm Cao Shuai, one of Room 210..."

"Hello, I'm also in this dorm. I'm Hu Qier," the short guy replied in fluent... well, his hometown dialect. Judging by his accent, he wasn't from our province—probably southern.

Looking at the mature guy, who seemed uninterested in greeting me, I assumed he wasn't a dormmate. "Hello, uncle—here to drop off your kid?"

He burst into laughter, a cackle like Lin Pingzhi's when he found the Sunflower Scripture, sending chills down my spine.

Hu Qier started laughing too, then said between giggles, "He's our dormmate! You're the fourth person to call him that!"

"Er... my bad, I thought..."

"You thought wrong. He grew up watching Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf!" This cracked us all up. "I'm Wu Ye—Wu as in the Kingdom of Wu, Ye as in 'field.' People call me 'Lord Wu.'"

"Greetings, Lord Wu! My mistake for not recognizing your greatness." Who knew Lord Wu, with his burly appearance, had such a sense of humor.

"Since we're all 'jianghu people,' you know the rules, right?"

I took out the hometown cigarettes I'd prepared (this was the "jianghu rule": first meeting, offer smokes).

"Never seen this brand. Wonder if it's good. Try mine too." We exchanged smokes as two more guys entered, holding basketballs and sweating—they'd just finished playing.

I greeted them immediately: "Hi, I'm Cao Shuai. Please look out for me." As I spoke, I offered cigarettes, but they shook their heads. "We don't smoke." Rare to find non-smokers these days. I can take it or leave it, but I always carry smokes—it makes talking easier, another jianghu rule...

"May I ask your names and hometowns?"

"Gao Mai, from Zhejiang," said the tall guy with the basketball.

The medium-built guy, wiping sweat on his bed, said: "He Buwei, from **."

After trying my cigarette, Lord Wu uttered a memorable line: "Yixuxi, I'm quitting smoking!"

Seemed Lord Wu wasn't used to my hometown smokes, but his resolve sounded as empty as... well, nothing.

I 暗自窃喜 (secretly rejoiced)—no one to steal my smokes now, haha... We chatted for a bit when the door burst open, revealing a chubby, fair guy with a standard 9-mm haircut. His chin stubble suggested he was a "true 性情中人 (man of passion)" (in my eyes, everyone was; they waved the flag of "I'm lewd, I'm happy" while looking upright). Behind him was a middle-aged man—likely here to drop him off.

We all stared at them, and they stared back. Finally, Lord Wu broke the ice: "New guy! Come in—we're all brothers now!"

The middle-aged man pushed the chubby guy, who shuffled in: "Hi, I'm Zhuang Xiaohua. Please take care of me!" The middle-aged man entered and offered cigarettes—holy crap, Zhonghua (Chinese) cigarettes! The non-smokers declined, but the rest of us took them.

After distributing smokes, the man said: "Get along well. If Xiaohua has any problems, call me—I'll sort them." He looked like he might be in the underworld. Meanwhile, Zhuang Xiaohua was arranging his bed: "Dad, don't worry. Go home before Mom frets."

What a considerate, filial, good, sensible... fat guy!

"Alright, I'll go. Get along—no fighting!"

"Okay." The father-son duo left, and soon an Audi below started up and drove off. Xiaohua returned, grinning lecherously: "Finally free from home! Whoo, let's party!"

Looking at him, we thought: his appearance doesn't match his words at all! How long had he been pent up?

We exchanged knowing smiles—definitely 性情中人 (men of passion). We went out to buy bedding; when we returned, the other two dormmates were there, chatting on their beds.

Seeing us enter, they helped carry things. I nodded approvingly: "Good, these two are worth mentoring. Where are you from?"

"Yu Minhao, Guizhou." "Zhang Shun, Xinjiang." Just like that, all eight of us were present.

※※※

These two seemed genuinely honest. As we sorted our spaces, a guy appeared on the balcony—tall and skinny, like a utility pole. He greeted us:

"Hi, I'm from the next dorm. Our balconies are connected, so it's like one big dorm. Please look out for me!"

I asked: "Oh, which class? We're Class 3."

Since everyone in this building studied the same major, no need to ask.

"My name is... Liu Xiaobei, Class 4. F*ck, only three guys in my class—so depressing."

His opening line gave me the impression... like Liu Bei, he wasn't someone to mess with. I held back my thoughts.

"Great name—includes a historical figure! Our class has more guys, I heard ten."

Lord Wu asked, half-questioning, half-amazed: "Is that accurate?"

"Official info," I said proudly, having heard the homeroom teacher mention it.

Lord Wu turned to Xiaobei: "Are all three guys in your dorm here? Let's go eat and get to know each other—I think it's necessary."

Xiaobei smiled slyly: "Good idea—first meal together is a must." Lord Wu leaped off his bed like a cat.

"Alright! Check your watches." It was like a Flying Tigers mission.

"Do what you want now, but be back at 7 PM sharp! Anyone late... consider yourselves dropped out! 7 PM, no excuses—failure to appear results in capital punishment!"

Classic Lord Wu humor. Yeah, I should explore the city. The restrooms didn't mark men/women; getting caught again wouldn't be lucky.

I wandered outside until it started raining lightly. Buying cutlery, I returned to find the Zhejiang guy packing. "It's raining—where are you going?"

"To net bar. Light rain is nothing. It rains daily in my hometown—would you do nothing there?"

I touched my face—was the room leaking? We were on the second floor. Looking up, no leaks, but then I saw Gao Mai's mouth—spit dripping, half-smiling, terrifying. I realized: when he talked, spit flew. Not knowing his temper, I didn't dare offend.

"Fair enough. Where's the net bar?" I'd looked earlier and found none.

"You'll never find it. None nearby—10+ minutes by bike." No wonder I couldn't find it—so far...

"How long on foot?"

"Dunno—never walked, always biked."

"Where'd you get a bike?"

"Phone bill promotion: 300 yuan bill gets a phone, a desk lamp, and a bike." What a deal... Such bargains usually come with strings. Even if safe, a falling pie could still give you a bump.

"Go ahead, I'll nap." After he left, I washed my face and lay down. The others were god knows where.

In the blink of an eye (you might wonder why "blink"? Well, close eyes, sleep; open eyes, awake—just a blink), I heard Lord Wu banging a lunch box:

"Assembly! Assembly!"

Checking my 珍藏版 NOKIA1680c (collector's edition Nokia 1680c), it was indeed 7 PM. Next, roll call... we barely knew names, so we just counted heads. All present except "Spit."

"He's online. Call him—who has his number?"

I looked at He Buwei, who took out his domestic "brick" phone, found the number, and called:

"Gao Mai, come back for dinner... What? Oh, okay. Later, I'll tell you the place."

He hung up, confused. We waited for an explanation. He opened his mouth and squeezed out: "Let's go first—he's showering. I'll tell him the place."

So we marched out of the campus. In early autumn, it wasn't dark yet, but streetlights were on.

Lord Wu suddenly yelled: "Wait! Forgot the most important thing—did you bring money?"

"Money's trivial. If not, I can wash dishes," I joked. Freshmen mostly kept money in cards—who carried cash? Plus, we didn't know where ATMs were...

"Wait!!!! Also... where are we eating?!"

A valid question—who knew good spots here?

"Who's local? Raise your hand!"

A chubby guy timidly raised his hand—not Zhuang Xiaohua, but from the next dorm.

"I'm local, but I've never been here. How about we pick a random restaurant? We'll have plenty of time to try them all."

"Works for us. Let's go here!" Lord Wu pointed to "Dazhong Fast Food" nearby. We swaggered in.

At the counter, we asked for a private room and went upstairs. The waitress handed menus; after ordering, Lord Wu insisted on four dozen beers. Many agreed: "Men aren't afraid of a little drink!"

Truthfully, I didn't want to drink—I can't hold much, and alcohol is poison. What's the point? After waiting, food arrived. He Buwei opened beers: "First meal, must drink. Men drink as much as they can. We'll live under the same roof—use this chance to get to know each other. Let's all—"

His phone rang: "Gao Mai. Hello, done showering? We're at Dazhong Fast Food, 2nd floor. Right, turn right out of campus, west side. Hurry—haven't started yet. Call if you can't find us."

Hanging up: "He'll be here soon. Wait?"

"Nah—make him drink extra for being late. No excuse if we wait."

Lord Wu shouted: "Fill all glasses! Hey, why is your glass empty?"

We followed his gaze to a next-dorm guy—pale, skinny, hair like weeds, looking 颓废 (decadent). He seemed honest.

"Um, I've never drunk..."

Lord Wu coaxed him like a child taking medicine: "It's fine. You'll have to drink eventually, like women... Er, never mind, you know. Haha, we're civilized..." Liu Xiaobei helped fill his glass.

"Cheers! We're here by fate. Look out for each other: share money, food, problems... and farts. Also, share—" Lord Wu realized he was overstepping, laughing awkwardly. We held our glasses, waiting, then laughed knowingly.

He Buwei smoothed it over: "Regardless, one word: bottoms up!"

Glasses clinked non-stop as we downed the first round.

"Now introduce yourselves. I'll go first: Wu Ye, Hebei, known as Lord Wu. Mention my name in Hebei—it'll open doors. I like fighting, drinking, smoking." His build and "mature" look made it obvious he wasn't a pushover.

Next, Liu Xiaobei stood: "Liu Xiaobei, Hubei. Parents named me after Liu Bei, hoping for his strategy. Nickname 'Little J'—call me that. I like net surfing and billiards."

"Zhang Shun, Xinjiang. Traveled far to study—please help me out. Call me Shunzi. No hobbies, worst at math—only 20+ in Gaokao."

"Haha, I got 30! I'm Zhuang Xiaohua, call me Xiaohua. Love reading novels and 欧美日韩 'action flicks' (action movies)." He leered after the last part—we all knew what he meant.

"Hu Qier, from Guizhou (贵州银). First time out of province, came a long way (大脑远乃到这里). Please take care. No nickname yet..." Again, his dialect shone through.

"No nickname? That's inconvenient. Let's choose one!" Suggestions flew: "Erqier," "Douzi" (bean, since he's small), "Xiao Hu" (boring), even "Su Qier" (mocking).

He Buwei suggested "Little Di," which everyone agreed on. Hu Qier looked 无奈 (helpless) but accepted.

"Yu Minhao, also Guizhou, called 'Mouse'—not the pest kind!" "Mouse" was easy to remember—I'd known four Mice in high school.

Just then, He Buwei answered his phone: "Come to 2nd floor, door's open." Gao Mai arrived shortly.

"Sorry I'm late—can't stand not showering." He tried to sit next to me; I pointed inward: "Your seat's there."

"Hehe." He shuffled to the inner seat.

I could tolerate most, but his spit scared me. Lord Wu saw the chance:

"Latecomers should drink three cups!" Others 起哄 (egged him on). Gao Mai couldn't refuse, downing three cups in one go.

"Ugh, this tastes bitter!"

"Never drunk before?"

"Nope..."

This Zhejiang guy was surprisingly bold—drinking like that on his first try. I respected him.

"Introduce yourself." Gao Mai nodded 傻傻地 (simply):

"Gao Mai, Ningbo, Zhejiang. Once won Ningbo's 100m race. Love basketball." He smiled proudly.

I raised my hand: "Question! How much water do you drink daily?"

"Not much. Why?"

"Then why do you spit so much when talking?"

"Ah, bad teeth. Just got braces—still adjusting. It'll get better."

"Ah, so you're 'wearing a 套 (condom)'! Haha."

Lord Wu to the Ningbo champ: "We'll call you 'Spit.' Okay?" Seeing Spit's 委屈 (wronged) face, Lord Wu asked like a landlord collecting rent—unstoppable.

"N... no problem." We all laughed.

"He Buwei, Hebei. Like basketball and music. Love Japanese anime, especially Rukawa Kaede—so they call me 'Chuanchuan'."

Finally my turn. I stood excitedly: "Cao Shuai—Cao as in'school grass,' Shuai as in 'handsome.' I have nothing to do with Lin Chong or Song Jiang... Like singing and wuxia novels. Due to my overflowing talent, they call me 'Cai Cai' (Talent)." Immediately, vegetable leaves and bottle caps flew at me. I used "Golden Bell 罩 (body protection)"—but they still hit me.

"Yang Rui, from **, Hebei. Same hobby as Xiaohua—reading novels. No nickname, just call me Rui. Your nicknames... I'd rather not."

The local guy stood: "Zhou Shi, local. Here, I promise you won't be bullied! They used to call me 'Brother Zhou'—you can too. I'll treat you like little brothers." He smiled sinisterly.

Lord Wu said: "Enough chitchat. Let's see who's oldest—oldest becomes leader. I'm February '89."

This seemed unfair—obviously he was the oldest. Brother Zhou said sheepishly: "I'm '90."

Lord Wu cheered: "Anyone older than me?"

Little Di blushed: "I'm June '88..." Lord Wu's proposal was instantly voted down.

We then formed small groups, drinking freely until everything went black.