MTLNOVEL Chapter 167: A Fraud
The academy rang its bells, signifying the end of the class.
"Yosh! Those who need any guidance, I will be at the training field 3! Ah don't forget your homework-ttebayo!" Naruto dismissed the class. As he left the classroom, he glanced at Boruto and Sarada, chatting away with Kouga in the opposite direction.
Naruto didn't bother them and walked to the training field.
It doesn't matter… He said so in his heart. In the training field, few students stayed over to train. Naruto was a well loved teacher, always there to help and guide them. He often invited students over for a chat if they saw them having trouble, whether it's an academic issue or outside of it.
He's that well loved teacher and counsellor of some sort, warm and open to his students.
Boruto no longer minded that Naruto cared a lot for others. That's just how he was. He needed his purpose. He came to appreciate his dad's kindness, despite everything he went through. He thought that his dad was strong in his own way too…
He wasn't sure if he could be like his dad, looking strong and smiling after everything Boruto saw in the 3rd view perspective in the Tsukuyomi world. Like it sucked so bad for his dad he didn't know what to say.
Naruto stayed in the training field 3, looking over at the few students that stayed behind. The heaviness in his chest never went away. But he kept smiling and moved forward on what he could do. That he was doing something, and seeing the kids getting better, he felt fulfilled, as if he achieved something.
But a part of him always felt like… he was a fraud. That he was just doing this to feel good about himself.
As time went on, it felt like he got more tired. That each kindness he gave to others drained him. He stared at a student throwing kunai onto the dummy in the distance, but his eyes didn't lie - he felt tired, mentally. He didn't know why.
I just need some rest… Naruto stood up straight and took a deep breath. He needed some fresh air, and some time for himself. That's all, he thought.
"I am going back early today! Keep working hard-ttebayo!" He said to the few people on the field before leaving.
As he walked along the street of Konoha, he felt the numbness become more apparent in his chest.
Why do I keep feeling like this… why it won't go away…
Naruto held his chest, where an invincible force was draining him from his inside. Something that was always there, for as long as he remembers. He couldn't remember the last time he felt at ease and free.
No, he remembered…
It was… when they were still a child. Tsuyu, Ero-sennin, Kakashi sensei, Sasuke and Sakura… those good times, when he felt belonged and accepted. When he was still chasing his dreams.
But now, it's as if he was left all alone. Somehow. Hinata and his children were there, he loved them, really. But… it's as if they were the only things he had left. And it wasn't enough.
As if he was just a husk, without anything of himself. No dream. Doing some nonsense. Caring for others just to feel better about himself.
Naruto clenched his hand onto his chest, feeling the heaviness trying to consume his whole being.
It will feel better… it will…
He said it almost trying to convince himself.
"I am home." He said. He gave a smile to Hinata as usual, but he felt numb, like his emotions already dulled. It was as if he was a robot going through the motions, replying to his wife's words naturally, but he couldn't even remember the conversation, as if it wasn't even important.
He can't… feel happy. He just felt exhausted… so damn exhausted.
"Hinata, I am going to bed first. I am a bit tired." Naruto said in a calm tone.
"Okay dear…" Hinata just smiled. She knew Naruto needed a break like this at times. She understands him and felt it's good that Naruto was getting the mental rest he needed and didn't force it. She thought everything was going on track, Naruto was getting healed, letting himself rest when he needed to.
But behind Naruto's mask, he kept asking himself why he can't feel happy. He kept telling himself he had Hinata and his children, and his students. But he can't feel good about himself, not at all.
That he was nothing. He's just a failure. A total loser.
It just never ends… dammit…dammit…
Naruto's hand on his chest clutched tighter, almost physically hurting himself.
Why can't I feel better? What's wrong with me… just what's wrong with me… Naruto had tears in his eyes. It's as if the suffering just won't ever stop.
I wish I can be like I used to be… Goddammit…
He recalled the times when he was a spirited man, feeling happy with all he had, chasing his dreams to be Hokage. Feeling happy over every improvement he made, the friends he got.
It felt like his world spiralled the moment war came. As if his entire being was stopped in time, after he killed Tsuyu.
That he never moved forward from that point at all…
Tsuyu… He recalled the times when they were a real family. It was rough at times… but, for a time, they understood each other, he was really happy. And he really wished things could go back to usual.
But dammit, it couldn't.
Dammit…!
The memories of how cold Tsuyu was arose from the rubbles of Naruto's mind. Her cruelty, her expression when she wiped out innocent people, when she… killed Ero-sennin. When he had to hold Ero-sennin, dead in his arms.
You bastard… you fucking bastard… Dammit…
Naruto felt his chest filled with rage and anger. He clenched his fists tight, too tight even.
"You fucking monster…" He muttered in anger and even hatred. Naruto turned around, his hand swung on the wall with a loud thud out of rage boiling over in him.
Thud! A crack even left in there.
"Dear! What's that sound?" Hinata went to check.
"Eh? Haha. I tripped and hit the wall. It's nothing Hinata," Naruto looked at Hinata with a fake smile, his fists at his side clenching tight.
Hinata just chuckled, thinking her husband was silly and went away.
Himawari came in suddenly, wanting to play with Naruto.
"Dad! Give me a piggy!"
"Sure…" Naruto smiled, crouching to let Himawari climb up.
"Yosh…! Hold on Hima!" Temporarily, his thoughts were put aside. But somehow it felt like he was just doing a chore, like sweeping the floor or making up the bed after he woke up. It's only another chore that drained him very slightly.
Himawari had enough fun and went to draw and colour her colouring book. Naruto rubbed his messy hair. He felt so damn messy inside.
"I am going out for a while." Naruto said to Hinata before leaving for fresh air. Instead he went to a secluded area at the edge of Konoha. And with no one around, he punched a stupid looking tree.
"Dammit!"
Crack! Crack!
"Shit.... fucking stupid…!" Another fist landed, causing the trunk to split into two, eventually collapsing.
"Why… why is this happening…" Naruto clutched his own hair, pulling it in frustration and extreme exhaustion.
"FUCK. FUCK. FUCK!" He punched another stupid tree over and over again.
"Erghh… why,.. Why am I like this…" Naruto rested his forehead against the crushed tree. Tears fell from his eyes, his hands holding onto his chest tightly.
"Why… Please… please… I just want to feel fine…" He beat his chest over and over again, as if trying to make it go away.
Sasuke noticed… he had ANBU watch over Naruto, just in case…
He watched from afar, not sure if he would be welcomed. He didn't know how to help him. Naruto never showed any signs like this in front of them. It had been close to two years since they knew he was suffering then. But it's as if nothing changed. That Naruto refused to be seen and had been dealing with them alone.
He recalled the times when he lost everything… it was Naruto, his first friend that reached out to him.
He firmed his resolve. Naruto needed someone…
Sasuke showed himself, no longer masking his presence.
"Dobe… you look like a mess…"
"..." Naruto didn't turn around. He felt like a wounded child being seen.
"Fuck off…" Naruto cursed.
Sasuke was taken aback. "Hey… want to, have a drink or…"
"No…leave me alone…"
"Naruto… come on…"
"I said leave me alone!" Naruto finally turned around to face Sasuke.
"Are you pitying me? Ha? Is that it? Dammit…" Naruto bit his lips, his hands shaking as he looked at Sasuke.
"Don't be an idiot… You are my friend. You reached out to me when I was all alone. Now it's my turn. Come on, let's get out of this place."
"Reach out to me…? Please… stop looking at me like that… I… you made me look like a fucking loser…" Naruto shed tears as he said that.
"Hey… you aren't a loser…" Sasuke said gently.
"God damn I am… I don't have anything… I don't even know what the hell I am even doing now…"
"Hey… you… have Hinata… and your kids…" Sasuke tried to point it out.
"Hahaha…hahaha… yeah. See…? Dammit…" Naruto was almost incoherent. He was replying to himself really. Sasuke didn't understand what he was implying and only felt even more worried.
"Naruto, come on."
"...No… It's alright. I am fine. Sorry for showing you that…" Naruto wiped his tears, controlled his breathing and stood up straight.
"...Can you stop pretending for once?" Sasuke already felt annoyed. It's clear as day he wasn't fine at all. And even then he still wanted to pretend.
"...What do you know… you don't get it! You…! I don't even know! Dammit, just…" Naruto can't say a word, smashing the tree next to him to pieces with his hand.
"You can't even control your emotions…"
"I am doing fine… I just need to… let it out a little… Don't worry about me, Sasuke…" Naruto's expression turned almost empty as he said that.
"..."
"Later, Sasuke…" He said calmly, yet with a tone of weariness before leaving.
Naruto… you won't even let yourself feel… how do we help you…
That Naruto hid so much pain inside even he was unwilling to feel it. That he refuses to feel his own pain. He had always been like this, looking forward at positive things that hold him up. But…
Naruto was getting more and more irritable over the past 2 years, his mental exhaustion became more apparent in his eyes. Sasuke was afraid Naruto would really break, that those things cannot hold him up anymore in time.
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