Passion (BL Novel)

My uncle spoke. His voice was calm, as if on a brief phone call. But the moment Jeong Tae-ui heard those words, his face went blank. He bit his lip anxiously once again.
“...Uncle. Was it like that from the beginning?”

Tae-ui asked quietly. His uncle paused for a moment and replied, “What is?”
It wasn’t that he didn’t understand what Tae-ui meant, but rather asking which part of this situation he was referring to.
Tae-ui remained silent. As he slowly breathed in and out several times, no words came from the other end of the receiver either. His uncle must have known. There was no way he didn’t. Not only the current situation, but he must have already expected it to turn out this way. And he also knew what Tae-ui’s feelings were now. The moment that thought hit him, a fireball welled up in his chest and choked his throat.

He was so angry it was hard to breathe. The pitifully clinging feelings from a moment ago had all turned into rage. What he had hoped from his uncle was a small thing. Maybe his uncle also wanted a small thing from him. But what they each thought was “small” was different.
“From the beginning.”
“...”

“...Why didn’t you say so from the start? To Mackin or Jangtil, or whoever—just say that you wanted to make things difficult. You could’ve said that from the beginning. Do you think I would have gotten in your way? No matter what means you used, do you think I would’ve interfered? Why treat people like this...”
Words exploded out like a burst.
Anger surged inside. His heart ached terribly. A headache pounded wildly inside his skull.

He wished he had been warned in advance. Then even if his uncle had killed someone, Tae-ui wouldn’t have been this angry. It wouldn’t have hurt this much. No matter how much he dirtied Tae-ui’s hands or borrowed them for his own sake, it would have been fine. If his uncle had just asked for help with a single word, Tae-ui would have done it.
But he didn’t.
Furious, shouting like a madman, Tae-ui sealed his lips. His throat tightened with the swelling fury, and once he closed his mouth, no more words came out.

His uncle said nothing either. Tae-ui couldn’t tell what kind of face he had from the other side of the receiver. He only gulped for breath while gripping the receiver tightly.
Then, Ilay, who had been watching silently beside him with arms crossed, quietly took the receiver from Tae-ui’s hand. Tae-ui’s fingers briefly tried to hold on but soon lost strength.
“Hello. Uh, it’s me. …Uh, kinda. Well, we’ll talk later. …Yeah. Things are going as you want on your side. Okay. Yeah.”

Ilay took the phone for Tae-ui, spoke only a few short words, and abruptly hung up. Then, turning toward Tae-ui, he spoke casually.
“Calm down. …Or rather, are you calm now?”
Ilay added, “You’re the one who calms down fast anyway,” but Tae-ui couldn’t smile at all. The fireball filling his chest was too hot to bear.

“You—”
“...”
“You knew, didn’t you? From when you came to my room yesterday, or even before that.”
Tae-ui’s words received no reply from Ilay. But the half-smiling, half-not face answered with a silent yes.

“When you were with me yesterday, did you think, ‘If I stay a few hours more, this guy will definitely act like a puppet,’ or ‘What time tomorrow should I go to the instructor’s room?’ Ha. When you mess with me, thinking that if you push all the way in, I won’t be able to move properly and that would disrupt the work, so you better hold back a little—did you think that?”
“Tae-ui, you’re way too worked up right now. Calm down.”
Even to Tae-ui’s words, Ilay showed no anger or displeasure, speaking calmly. That indifferent face only made Tae-ui’s rage flare higher.

“Calm down... Would you calm down, you bastard!”
Tae-ui grabbed a beer can that had been lying nearby and threw it. The heavy can filled with beer flew fiercely toward Ilay, who was only a few steps away, but Ilay tilted his head slightly and dodged it.
His expression hardened slightly, as if displeased. Tae-ui knew this was just venting. This anger wasn’t originally Ilay’s fault. But Ilay had come to find Tae-ui deliberately, knowing everything. Watching Tae-ui being cluelessly manipulated while fulfilling only his own desires. Tae-ui expected nothing from him—no friendship, no loyalty to comfort him.

Still, the rage was uncontrollable.
“Tae-ui, go home. If you stay with someone who doesn’t know front from back and runs at anyone, you’ll want to twist their neck.”
Ilay spoke coldly. Then he grabbed the pale-faced Tae-ui and dragged him outside his room. Looking at Tae-ui pushed into the hallway, Ilay said, as if nothing had happened, “Then,” and closed the door.

Watching the door firmly shut before his eyes, Tae-ui just stood there blankly.
His head throbbed. It ached even before waking. He hadn’t slept deeply and had tossed and turned, groaning from the headache even in his half-dream.
When he finally got up with his heavy head, it was still before dawn. Looking at the clock, not even six yet, Tae-ui sighed and scratched his head.

“Damn...”
His head still felt heavy and his eyelids were heavy too, but he didn’t think he could fall asleep again. He slumped on the bed with eyes closed, nodding off briefly, but the sleep wouldn’t come, so he opened his eyes. As soon as he opened them, the fierce headache hit, and he grabbed his head, burying his face in the blanket.
“Ouch... aspirin, aspirin.”

After being kicked out of Ilay’s room last night, Tae-ui had gone straight to the infirmary room and pounded on the door. The man inside had already finished his duties hours ago and was soaking leisurely in a bathtub. Wearing only a towel on his wet body, he opened the door and immediately started cursing loudly.
“What the hell is some crazy bastard doing knocking on my door in the middle of the night when I’m taking a bath?” he shouted wildly.
But when he saw Tae-ui at the door, he shut up. Muttering complaints under his breath, he obediently dressed and went to the infirmary, tossing Tae-ui a half-sheet of painkillers as requested.

Seeing that the grumpy infirmary man hadn’t openly snapped at him, Tae-ui thought maybe his appearance was pretty bad.
It probably was. His pale face was completely drained, lips were dry. It wouldn’t have been strange if he had collapsed from just a slight touch.
“You know aspirin wears down your stomach lining the most, right? Be sure to take it after a meal.”

The gruff man gave the medicine bluntly, and Tae-ui replied shortly before going back to his room and swallowing twice the prescribed dose without hesitation. His headache felt like two pills wouldn’t be enough. He took the medicine and immediately buried himself under the blanket, but the pain was so bad that sleep didn’t come.
Only after an hour did the medicine’s effect slightly blur his consciousness. But the pain never fully vanished; even in sleep, he murmured, “Head hurts, head hurts...” and spent the night like that. He woke up with the headache still lingering.
“I think I left some aspirin somewhere...”

Though his stomach burned, the headache was more urgent. He searched for the painkillers on the nightstand. He found the sheet behind a cup, but no pills were inside. Blinking, Tae-ui faintly remembered swallowing the last pills in his half-sleep because the headache hadn’t gone away.
Damn. Clicking his tongue, Tae-ui got up. His frowning forehead ached. It was barely six, but he felt sorry to disturb the infirmary man again. But his headache, unrelenting since last night, made his head spin.
He wanted to ask for the whole box and chew it all right there.

Sighing, he roughly dressed and staggered out of his room. Because of the hour, the usually bustling hallway was almost empty. Occasionally, he heard doors opening and closing at a distance. Among the diligent ones, some were already sweating it out in the training room every dawn. Ilay was one of them. He had once said he felt stiff all day if he didn’t sweat properly.
“...”
Tae-ui frowned. He thought of a name he really didn’t want to think about. Worse, as soon as he thought “I don’t want to think about it,” unpleasant names came flooding into his mind.

Damn. If only he could throw a bomb into this damn UNHRDO headquarters and feel better. And if he could toss a few more at the branches, that’d be even better. Thinking about it, he’d be leaving this place soon anyway. Maybe he should just blow it up for real. If he had the means, he’d wreck the whole place and leave.
For the first time, Tae-ui envied his brother’s genius while pressing his throbbing temples.
As he got off the elevator with a refreshed face after training, a member was startled when he saw Tae-ui. After the member got off and the elevator closed, Tae-ui looked at the mirror inside and understood why.

This face looked like a freshly dead corpse. Even though it was still dark, seeing such a face at this hour could be frightening.
Tae-ui smiled bitterly, then cried out “Ouch, ouch,” clutching his head again.
“Medicine, I need medicine...” he muttered like a drug addict and hurried to the infirmary man’s room. He knocked quietly at first. No answer. Thinking the man must be deeply asleep, he rang the doorbell. Still no answer.

Tae-ui frowned slightly and rang the doorbell repeatedly while knocking. At this point, the meticulous and grumpy man would probably have burst out yelling, but still no response.
“What the hell... does Luther have business? At this hour he should be at the training room. I’ll go check there.”
As he knocked, no one came out, but the door next to his opened, and another infirmary man poked his head out with a scowl, clearly showing “Shut up” written all over his irritated face.

Tae-ui, who had briefly considered breaking down the door or heading to the infirmary to smash the door instead, knocked once more, but seeing the man’s angry face that looked like he’d yell any second, he whispered a quiet “Sorry.”
The man didn’t respond and went back inside without changing his displeased expression.
Surprisingly, Tae-ui hadn’t expected that grumpy, prickly infirmary man to be so healthy and lively to exercise at dawn. Judging appearances is wrong, but the man didn’t look very healthy for an infirmary officer.

“Well, with such murderous work, you need serious stamina. Maybe he’s the healthiest person in this branch.”
Tae-ui patted his temples as he turned around. But as soon as he changed direction, nausea welled up again.
He was in pain and had to go down to the training room on the fifth floor after coming up from the basement first floor. Then find the infirmary man and go back up to the second-floor infirmary.

No wonder people always kept a medicine box at home even if they rarely got sick.
Tae-ui resolved to get a medicine box for his room once this headache passed.
“...Ugh, my stomach’s upset.”

Not wanting to waste time waiting for the elevator on the sixth basement floor, Tae-ui started going down the stairs. Before reaching the fifth basement floor, he stopped.
The headache alone unsettled his mood, but now his stomach hurt too.
Leaning against the wall with eyes closed and frowning, he waited a bit until he felt a little better, then sighed and moved on.

Tae-ui was not weak. He usually ignored stomach upsets or headaches. But now it hurt unusually bad. He wasn’t sure if it was genuinely severe, stress exploding, or his weakened mind exaggerating the pain.
“It’s okay... Just hold on a little longer and I’ll be out of here. I’m not going to die before then.”
 

Jeong Tae-ui ground his teeth and muttered. The half-year he promised his uncle was almost over. Moreover, it might be that before that half-year passed, Tae-ui would be kicked out of UNHRDO, blamed for this whole incident.
What did you call this feeling?
Unpleasant and uncomfortable, but lacking the energy to be angry. Even trying to think carefully to judge right from wrong inside his heart felt bothersome.

There was definitely a word for this feeling, but he couldn’t recall it. Even if he tried, solving his headache was more urgent.
He saw the training room in the distance. Tae-ui repeatedly whispered to himself like a hypnosis, “There’s medicine there,” as he headed in that direction.
If, by chance, the infirmary man wasn’t there either, then nothing else mattered. He would just go to the infirmary and smash the door down.

Tae-ui glanced at his wristwatch. It was just past six. If he got the medicine and returned to his room, he could tell the morning’s official schedule to hell and probably sleep for two more hours. Whether he would fall asleep or not was uncertain, but he planned to lie down in a daze anyway.
Or maybe he would get sleeping pills and swallow them all at once. Though overdosing might land him in the hospital, his immediate pain was unbearable, leaving no room for second thoughts.
Tae-ui thought to himself that somehow it felt like giving up… and lightly tapped the back of his neck. The shaking inside his head eased the pain a little.

As Tae-ui neared a few steps from the training room, the door opened. The translucent glass automatic sliding door parted, and a man with wet hair, as if he had just finished exercising and showered, stepped out.
“...”
“Ah.”

As soon as Tae-ui confirmed the man’s face, he twisted his face so hard he was nearly unrecognizable.
Ilay Riegrow. Well, since this man worked out every dawn, it wasn’t strange to meet him here. But right now, Tae-ui didn’t want to see him at all. Just seeing him made his mood heavier. His headache was already severe, and it was far from welcome. Especially since the night before had overturned his stomach only a few hours ago.
Ilay wasn’t the type to miss such a displeased expression, but when he saw Tae-ui, he raised the corner of his mouth in a faint smile.

“Rare to see you here at this hour. Come to work out? There aren’t many people today, so you can run comfortably.”
He gestured inside with his chin. Tae-ui looked at him silently. As if nothing had happened, as if the fact that Ilay had told him the situation and Tae-ui’s furious reaction were either long past or never happened, Ilay was as usual, no different at all.
Ha. Tae-ui felt like laughing.

To Ilay, none of this was important. No matter how Tae-ui felt, how much he yelled and shouted, it was none of Ilay’s concern.
After a moment of silence, Tae-ui sighed. He didn’t not know this man’s nature, so why was he so hurt again?
“No, I’m looking for someone. Luther, is he inside?”

“Luther? Why? Sick since morning or something?”
“Got a headache.”
Tae-ui answered curtly and briefly.

Ilay, who had stopped walking, stared at Tae-ui intently. Then he suddenly chuckled and took a few steps closer. He stopped less than a step away from Tae-ui, leaned slightly, and whispered gently into his ear like a kitten.
“Tae-ui. Your problem is that even though you pretend otherwise, you’re secretly sensitive. I bet you didn’t sleep well yesterday either. Relax your shoulders a bit. Don’t exaggerate small problems... Ah, right. Since you came all this way, why not just work out and go? Sweating clears your head.”
Finishing his words, he kissed Tae-ui lightly on the cheek as if greeting a close family member. Then he stepped back and smiled faintly.

“Well then. I think I saw Luther doing weight training inside. He’s probably warming up or in the shower now. Hope you get what you need, Tae-ui.”
Ilay patted Tae-ui’s shoulder a couple of times and started walking again. Tae-ui didn’t move as Ilay brushed past him and walked away. Eventually, the sound of footsteps faded as he turned the corner.
“...”

His fingernails dug into his palm. His clenched fist trembled faintly.
For a moment, he forgot his headache. His mind was burning black. A lump swelled inside him, choking his throat so he couldn’t breathe for a while.
“Hah...”

Tae-ui slowly opened his hand. Crescent-shaped nail marks were left on his palm.
“Damn...”
He muttered with a sigh. He wanted to scoff but couldn’t even laugh.

“It’s been a while since I’ve felt this disgusting...”
Tae-ui clicked his tongue. Hearing his own words made him feel even worse.
He hadn’t expected much. The man who raped him and then joked sexually—he never imagined Ilay would apologize or show any sign of remorse.

Even if he did, logically, Tae-ui wasn’t sure he had any reason to accept such an apology.
Still, seeing that indifferent face made a lump of rage swell inside.
Hey, you damn bastard. At least show some shame or just pass by silently—that’s what a decent person would do.

Tae-ui felt like his heart was blocked and pounded his chest with his fist. The strong pounding brought some relief to the pain in his chest. At the same time, the headache that had briefly lifted fiercely returned.
Feeling the headache again, Tae-ui loosened his fist. A breath—whether a sigh or lament—escaped his lips.
The fury that had surged to the top of his head seemed to instantly drain down his legs.

And again, that feeling, the one he couldn’t recall the name of, covered his mind.
It was like melancholy, or something similar. While thinking about that, the headache worsened, and Tae-ui entered the training room.
Fortunately, Luther was easy to spot. Luther, who seemed to have just finished his cooldown and was about to enter the shower room, was untying his sneakers. Seeing Tae-ui stride toward him with a pale, stiff face, Luther muttered nervously, “Uh, uh.”

It looked like he was about to ask why Tae-ui was here so early, but after seeing how pale Tae-ui looked, he shut his mouth.
“Uh, Tae-ui... Good morning... though it doesn’t seem like it. Like last night, what’s with your face... uh, uh? Hey! Wait! I haven’t showered yet!”
Tae-ui glanced at Luther’s complexion and grabbed the back of his neck as if to say hello and ask how he was doing. He pulled Luther close like a doll, pressed his face to the tip of Luther’s nose, and in a voice that seemed close to dying, whispered quietly.

“Give me medicine.”
Luther cursed at him harshly. From being dragged to the infirmary soaking wet without changing his training clothes, Luther spewed harsh curses almost crossing the line into profanity. Even while searching for medicine inside the infirmary and when Tae-ui swallowed the pills immediately after receiving them, the curses continued.
The only relief was that most of Luther’s curses went into the other ear because Tae-ui’s head hurt so badly.

Tae-ui had no idea how he made it back to his room. When he came to his senses, he was stretched out on his bed. His vision hurt along with his head, flickering between blurriness and clarity. In the corner of his vision, he saw the phone.
He had unplugged the cord before falling asleep last night. Now, it was just a useless chunk of scrap.
Had anyone called while the phone was unplugged? If so, it was probably his uncle. Or maybe the phone never rang at all. That seemed more likely.

His uncle wasn’t the type to make excuses or defend himself about what had already happened. He’d rather remain the bad guy without explanation. Unless he ❀ Nоvеlігht ❀ (Don’t copy, read here) had done something right but was misunderstood—which was unlikely—he never made excuses or tried to cover up wrongdoing. He calmly accepted responsibility and then shamelessly asked, “So, what are you going to do?”
—So, what will you do, Jae-ui?
Suddenly, his uncle’s voice from long ago faintly came to mind, younger than now.

He didn’t remember exactly when. It seemed to have been a summer vacation in elementary school. Tae-ui had been busy with neighborhood kids playing summer camps and such, so he didn’t know the exact circumstances.
After a 2-night, 3-day camp organized by the school youth group, when he returned home, his father and uncle were fighting. Or rather, “fighting” was inaccurate. His father was angrily yelling one-sidedly, while his uncle silently endured the anger. His older brother sat nearby with an expressionless face.
Tae-ui’s father was usually quiet and rarely showed strong emotions. He cherished his much younger brother greatly, and when his brother, proud of entering the internationally renowned UNHRDO, occasionally came home on leave, he always treated him warmly.

So Tae-ui saw his father angry at his uncle for the first time that day.
Tae-ui stopped taking off his shoes at the door and just stared at his father and uncle alternately. His father stopped yelling for a moment, then silence followed.
Without apologizing or admitting fault, his uncle quietly opened his mouth and said, “So, what are you going to do, Jae-ui?”

His father looked dumbfounded for a moment. Then, with a mixture of anger, pain, and sadness, he looked at his younger brother and finally shook his head and went into the room.
That rare fury from his father was so impressive that Tae-ui couldn’t remember what his brother answered or why his father was so angry.
But from the childish intuition that came late, Tae-ui learned that his uncle had exploited his brother’s exceptional talent. Looking back now, it seemed that his uncle had created the circumstances that led his brother to develop weapons.

“...”
Tae-ui sighed and closed his eyes. The medicine seemed to be kicking in, dulling the headache a little. His uncle never apologized to his father. Maybe he apologized somewhere Tae-ui didn’t know, but he was sure he hadn’t.