Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu web novel

　The first thing Subaru checks upon waking is whether or not what he is seeing is reality.

　One often goes back and forth between dreams and reality, and the boundary between them tends to be unclear for a while. Furthermore, when the point of return during "Return by Death" is immediately after regaining consciousness, the brain is often asleep, so one often falls into the same state as waking up.

"--Ugh."

　As my consciousness came back to reality, the first thing I noticed was the taste of dirt in my mouth.

　Spitting out the bitter taste, Subaru sat up and looked around. A dimly lit space, cold, damp air, and an uneasy silence - he was inside a tomb.

"You made it back, huh...?"

　Subaru murmured as he opened and closed his raised arms, checking the feel of his body.

　He was reminiscing about how he had died just before "Return by Death".

"I was worried about what would happen when I was nearly swallowed by the shadow, but... I guess suicide was worth it."

　Subaru remembered the sharp sensation of his throat being pierced, and as it touched the spot where the injury should have been, he let out a sigh of relief.

　The rising blood clogs the throat, soaks the lungs and makes the victim drown in agony. The fading consciousness and sense of loss never fade, even though the victim has already experienced "death" many times.

　No matter how many times he experiences it, "death" always brings fresh suffering to Subaru.

"It's much better than an irreversible situation where you can't come back."

　Feeling some satisfaction at being able to return, at being able to choose "Death" without hesitation there, Subaru temporarily put aside his considerations of "Return by Death".

　It's still too early to realize that I've returned safely at this time.

"This is not the time to be excited about being back. Anyway, I need to organize my tasks, do what needs to be done, and then..."

　Then you should question your own resolve.

　Subaru closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them again, there was no trace of confusion in his eyes. He was simply staring at what he had to do.

　Standing up and brushing the dust off his body, Subaru looks around the room and spots a girl lying on her side a short distance away.

　It was Emilia. She was in the midst of the Trials, and even now she was facing her own past with a look of anguish on her face.

　He runs over to her and tries to wake her up by reaching out to her body. After taking her out and reuniting with Ram and the others outside the tomb, he has an idea of ​​what to do next.

　But as he thought this far, Subaru suddenly noticed that his fingertips were trembling just before his arm touched Emilia.

"...What?"

　Subaru's eyes widen as his fingertips tremble, and he brings his hand up to his face to see what's going on. Subaru's brain sends commands to try and stop the trembling, but his fingertips, aware of the trembling, ignore the command and continue to tremble. Subaru realizes too late.

　I noticed that my teeth were clicking together and not fitting together properly.

"Your hands and teeth are shaking... what's going on..."

　Although Subaru was surprised at the change occurring to his body, deep down he understood what it meant.

　The moment I tried to touch Emilia, the scene that flashed before me was the reason I trembled.

　--Emilia's face, frozen with emotion, looked down at Subaru as she lay dying.

　I think that the Witch of Jealousy herself had descended upon Sanctuary at that time. And for some reason, she was clad in shadow in Emilia's body, and at the last moment, Subaru had witnessed it with his own eyes.

　The witch had likely possessed Emilia's body as she slept within the tomb.

　Subaru, knowing of a being named Betelgeuse who had the ability to possess other people's bodies, was able to easily accept this possibility.

　The reason why the witch targeted Emilia's body was simple.

　Subaru blurted out some forbidden words at the tea ceremony. The witch appeared to punish him, but she was unable to step foot inside the venue. Instead, she saw Emilia sleeping beside Subaru.

　And just like that, the Witch took her body, filled the Sanctuary with shadow, killed Garfiel, and tried to engulf Subaru in shadow - that was the end of it all.

"You know that much...but my body is still trembling..."

　Although he has the time to calmly reflect on what had happened, his heart is weak and he cannot forget the fear he felt when he came face to face with that strange creature.

　If Subaru's current speculation was correct, then that tragedy was caused by Subaru being invited to the tea party immediately after "Return by Death". In other words, this time, since he didn't attend the tea party, he didn't step on that landmine.

　--It was more than ninety percent guaranteed that Emilia did not have a witch residing within her.

　And yet, Subaru's body still reacted with fear and rejection, which was pure cowardice.

　I just can't let go of my worst-case scenario imagination.

　In other words---Will the Witch of "Jealousy" really stop pursuing Subaru just because they've been separated by "Return by Death"?

"――――"

　The one who is causing Subaru to "Return by Death" is the Witch of "Jealousy".

　This was Subaru's opinion, and Echidna agreed. Considering the previous witches' appearances and the ending of the previous episode, this was probably correct.

　For some reason, the Witch did not want Subaru to end up with "death". For that alone she could be grateful. For that alone.

　The only problem was, would that paranoid witch of "Jealousy", a witch with that much power, a witch whose delusions had intensified to the point where she was interfering with reality, give up on Subaru?

"――――"

　If the Witch did have the power to go back in time, then it would be overly optimistic to think that she would be unable to apply the same power to herself as she did to Subaru.

　Just as Subaru had rewound the world with his "death," how could he be sure that the Witch had not also gone back in time and pursued Subaru?

　A timid heart and a lack of answers - that answer is now lying right in front of your eyes.

"..."

　If I touch Emilia and wake her up from the Trial, everything will become clear.

　If she got up and called Subaru's name in her usual voice of silver bells, then Subaru would be freed from this fear.

　But what if that didn't happen?

"...By then, it'll probably be over."

　If the Witch were to appear before their very eyes every time she returned, there would be no way to do anything about it. The strength of the Witch of Jealousy is absolute, and it is impossible to imagine how our current forces could compete with her strength, which has completely shrouded the Sanctuary in shadow.

　What countermeasure could there be in the face of a nightmare that had so easily buried even Garfiel?

　In other words, this is the watershed moment.

Subaru: "If I die and there's no certainty that I'll be able to come back… then I'm not even sure if the Emilia in front of me right now is actually me or not. I guess… I'm such an idiot."

　Taking another look at the situation he found himself in, Subaru let out a soft sigh.

　Before I knew it, the trembling in my fingers and the fear of the roots of my teeth had disappeared.

　Everything is vague and uncertain and indeterminate and things like that.

"It happens to everyone, it's a natural thing."

　It's natural not to know what the future holds and to feel anxious about what will happen in the next second.

　What is there to be afraid of just because there is a possibility of knowing a little bit about what lies ahead?

　Such a ridiculous fear, equivalent to the fear of living,

"...Uh, no way..."

　Compared to the sight of the girl he loved being crushed by his past right before his eyes, his hesitations seemed so tiny and pointless.

"ーーEmilia."

　Calling her name, Subaru gently touched her cheek with his fingertips, which had now stopped trembling.

　White cheeks. Smooth skin that feels like it's melting when you touch it with your fingertips. Her eyes were lowered, and her long eyelashes trembled slightly, revealing a pair of amethyst eyes that lit up with a faint light.

　Emilia was brought back to reality. She blinked several times, then realized that Subaru was right in front of her.

"...Subaru?"

　Trembling eyes caught Subaru's gaze, and as they came into focus, they heard him call his name.

　Her voice, her eyes, her attitude were exactly like the Emilia Subaru knew,

"--Yeah, that's right."

　Subaru felt the shadow of anxiety that had been thickly entangled around his entire body just a moment ago suddenly disappear.

　She somehow managed to respond with a long breath, and as she tried to sit up with her hands supporting her back, I felt myself going limp.

　In stark contrast to Subaru, Emilia had gotten up and was busily looking around. After checking her current location, her head was still a little heavy, so she put her hand to her forehead and muttered, "Um..."

"This is... I was here just now..."

　Still tormented by the pain, Emilia closed her eyes and let her thoughts wander to the memories before she fell asleep - and remembered what had happened while she was asleep.

　Emilia's eyes widened as she remembered her memories being exposed, then she looked at Subaru with her pink lips trembling.

　Her amethyst eyes were shaking with waves of emotion. Her head was surely a mess, reeling from the past. Subaru knew that Emilia would be distraught after being awakened from the Trials. And so, he was able to calmly watch her just before she became distraught.

　He embraced her gently as she trembled, carefully chose his words so as not to hurt her feelings, comforted and reassured her that everything would be okay, and then――

"...Subaru?"

　With that thought in mind, Subaru prepared himself, but Emilia's reaction was completely different from what he had imagined.

　Her eyes, which had been distraught, regained their composure, and her trembling lips clenched as if held back by even stronger emotion. Then, Emilia gently raised her hand and extended it to Subaru,

"Why do you look like you're about to cry?"

"...Eh?"

　Emilia's fingertips stroked Subaru's cheek, then slid down to his eyes, which had widened in shock. Her white fingers brushed the corners of his eyes, and as they traced the tears that were brimming, Subaru realized that he had been building up tears to the point that he was about to burst into tears at any moment.

　He was aware of why this was happening, but he didn't have time to question himself.

"Uh, uh, what?"

　The trembling came suddenly.

　This was an unbearable trembling, on a whole different level from the trembling of my fingers and teeth earlier.

　The kind of trembling that shook his whole body, draining all strength from it. Subaru, who was on his knees facing Emilia, was unable to resist it, and could only cringe and embrace his trembling body.

　Subaru, embracing her relaxing body, understood what the root of the trembling was.

　If the trembling he felt just before touching Emilia was due to fear that she had been replaced by a Witch――

"It's okay, Subaru. It's okay, it's okay. I'm here, so――"

　Saying this, Emilia gently embraced Subaru's trembling body from the side.

　Through the thin fabric of our clothes, we could feel each other's body temperature. The quiet heartbeat coming from her whole body made me feel more satisfied than physically.

　--After having been terrified by the possibility that Emilia might be replaced by a Witch, Subaru realized that this was no longer the case, and was frozen with a sense of relief.

　Even though I thought I had become more resigned in my heart, my body did not reflect that at all.

　Subaru was far from possessing either a heart of steel or a strong body suited to protecting that heart.

　Feeling Emilia's body temperature, her heartbeat, her kindness, Subaru gritted his teeth at his own pathetic state, but still couldn't help but feel a sense of relief.

　Silently, silently, silently, the two of them continued to embrace each other like that in the tomb for a while.

※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※

"Have you calmed down?"

"Uh, yeah... well, I'm sorry. I caused some weird fuss."

　The embrace continued until Subaru's trembling subsided.

　At the end of that, Emilia asked him a question, and Subaru, blushing at his own shame, apologized. Hearing this, Emilia shook her head and said, "No."

"It's fine. Lately, I feel like I've been relying too much on Subaru. When Subaru sometimes shows me his weak side like this… it makes me feel a bit relieved."

Subaru: "That's a killer line… If possible, I don't really want Emilia to see that side of me."

"Why?"

"It's because I want Emilia-tan to always see me acting tough and cool. I don't want her to know that I'm actually weak, pathetic, and hopeless."

"I wouldn't think that way about Subaru just because I saw him in a weak spot."

　Emilia's words were kind, but Subaru's vanity caused him to reject them.

　Issues such as her not being that kind of person, or that she would be disappointed if she showed her weakness, are not at all essential.

　This was simply due to Subaru's - the boy's - circumstances.

"I really like scenarios where you show all your weaknesses and want people to know the real you..."

"Crying type... what?"

Subaru: "This is what I'm talking about. I want to show Emilia-tan only my strong side. It's a man's pride, that's it."

　Subaru let go of the awkwardness from earlier with the usual pointless talk and gave a wry smile to Emilia, who tilted her head. Then, his expression tightened,

"So, I'd like to ask you about the Trials..."

"--Yeah"

　After a moment's pause, Emilia nodded her chin and responded to the timid question.

　Subaru was briefly surprised by her reaction, for her attitude upon hearing the word "trial" was different from any of his previous ones.

　It was likely that immediately after waking up, he was forced to face reality while still bearing the shock of failing the Trial - and that was what Subaru had unintentionally ruined by that pathetic act.

　That embrace, however brief, gave Emilia time to calm down from the shock of failing the Trial. That was probably one of the reasons why she was able to remain calm now.

"I guess my weak side comes in handy sometimes..."

"Subaru, why are you here? I'm the only one who's supposed to be allowed in here..."

"No, I..."

　Subaru was about to respond obediently when he stopped talking.

　And then I start thinking about what the most correct answer would be.

　It would be easy to be honest and tell him that she was qualified and had overcome the Trials. However, if she chose that option, Emilia would likely be assailed with feelings of guilt for failing the Trials, and inferiority complex towards Subaru for having overcome those Trials.

　The feeling of inferiority leads to frustration, and Emilia is tormented by the gap between self-loathing and a sense of responsibility. If that happens, her current state of calm will be meaningless.

　Now that there was a possibility that Emilia could face the Trials in a different way than before, shouldn't Subaru respect that possibility?

　Whether or not Emilia will be able to face and overcome her 'past', and whether or not there will be any essential change, is another matter.

　--It might be worth a try, Subaru thought.

Subaru: "I got worried when Emilia-tan took so long to come out. I managed to hold back my consciousness as I made my way here… but by the time I got this far, it seemed to have turned out just like it did during the day."

"Yeah, I see... I'm sorry for worrying you."

"Well, in the end I was on the floor prostrating myself too, so if I was causing any worry, it was probably the guys outside."

　The people outside were no doubt also getting impatient with the lack of reaction from Subaru since he had jumped in. Emilia noticed this and raised her head, "Ah,"

"Anyway, I have to get back to everyone...I'm sure I'm making Subaru worried."

"Whether I live or die doesn't really matter, but I need to at least let them know that Emilia-tan is safe, otherwise things will get bad."

"...You shouldn't say it like that."

　Emilia shot Subaru a reproachful look at his mischievous words. He shrugged his shoulders and said "Sorry" in response to her gaze, and the two of them headed out of the tomb.

　"By the way," Subaru continued,

"Can I ask you something? You know, about the 'Trials'?"

"...I'm sorry. It seems I failed the Trial."

"That's...yeah, I kind of knew from your reaction."

　Emilia looked away apologetically. Subaru tried not to look at her and acted as if he had just found out the truth, something he already knew.

　Subaru felt guilty about behaving like that, but he killed his hesitation with a shake of his head,

"So, does this mean it's all over?"

"It doesn't seem to be the case... If you want to try, you can try as many times as you want. It's strange, but I understand that. But."

　Echidna had directly told Subaru about the nature of the Trials. This information was already known to Subaru, but it seemed that Emilia had been informed of it subconsciously.

　Emilia cut off the last part and, after some hesitation,

"No, it's nothing. It looks like I can't do it today, but I'll try again tomorrow."

"Are you okay? If it's too tough, you can wait a few days... but you'll have a better chance of winning if you prepare your tendencies and countermeasures before trying again."

"Thanks... But I know that doing something like that won't solve anything. I know that."

"...I'll try to act like I understand, thinking that maybe it'll make things easier for you if I talk about it."

　He spoke while glancing at Emilia out of the corner of his eye, and she looked up at him, her lips trembling. Emilia was about to let the tangled emotions in her heart overflow, but at the last moment she stopped herself and closed her eyes,

"--I'm sorry. I don't want Subaru to see how I feel right now."

"No matter what I see about Emilia-tan, I'll never dislike her."

Subaru: "It's not that I'm scared of what Subaru might think of me or anything like that. No, I do have that in mind, but… there's something even more frightening than that."

　After that, Emilia fell silent. Still, seeing the unwavering strength of will in her amethyst eyes, Subaru was certain that he had succeeded in inciting her.

　If Subaru showed a supportive attitude like that, Emilia would not take it upon herself to expose her weakness, much less cling to him.

　And so, he felt disgusted and nauseous at the way he was treating Emilia's heart as if he understood it all. --If only he could just accept it as necessary.

"--Lady Emilia!"

　Subaru continued walking, biting down his self-loathing, when suddenly, the brightness of the moonlight shone through and the voice of the girl standing beside him called out to him, bringing him back to reality.

　The pale moonlight illuminated the entrance to the tomb, and a cool breeze greeted the two as they stepped outside. Looking down, she could see that the people who had been waiting for Emilia after she had taken the Trial all had looks of relief on their faces.

　It seemed that it was Ram who had called out to Emilia first. Having confirmed that Emilia was alive and well, Ram let out a rare sigh of relief, then saw Subaru standing next to her,

"And Barusu, thank you for your hard work."

"Wow... I never thought I'd hear words of appreciation from you, so I'm really surprised. What's with that noble attitude, it's not like you, right?"

"If you occasionally achieve something great, I'll reward you like this. At the very least, I'll praise you for bringing Lady Emilia back safely. Lord Roswaal will be pleased."

　Subaru's relief was mostly due to having to report to his master, but being so sincerely thanked gave Subaru a fresh joy. Subaru then grinned, pretending to be casual as he glanced at the blonde young man standing next to Ram, amidst the crowd of people waiting to welcome her.

　Garfiel, leaning his back against the trunk of a tree, uncrossed his arms and walked reluctantly towards me. There was nothing suspicious about his behavior or attitude, but if he put his mind to it, distance would become meaningless in an instant.

　The reason was because he had left the Tomb, let alone right after "Return by Death" and then "Return by Death". Subaru was terrified just thinking about what his current "bad smell" that he couldn't sense must be like, so he was on the utmost alert around him.

　And then, as Garfiel appeared before Subaru, his whole body tense, the first thing he said was,

"I was worried about what would happen when you made the reckless decision to go charging in, but I'm relieved that you returned safely. Even though I thought that the Gafugaron fruit wouldn't fall off in the wind, it was still quite a close call."

"Ouch! Hey, wait, that hurts!"

　Saying this, she laughed and roughly slapped Subaru on the shoulder several times.

　The power of the blow was so strong it numbed even to the bone, and Subaru wondered for a moment if this was Garfiel's casual attempt at assassination?! But as he smiled and bared his fangs, he sensed no ill intent.

　It was as if they were genuinely happy that the two had returned safely. Once again, Subaru was unable to hide his disappointment at the unexpected response.

"Is that all?"

"Huh? I see. You want me to pat your head as a reward for your hard work?"

Subaru: "If it was from Emilia it would be one thing, but from you, who would gain from that? It's not that…"

　Subaru was about to mention this disappointment when he thought there was no need to go out of his way to upset him. Whatever Garfiel was thinking, it was fortunate that he had no intention of attacking right away.

　Either way, the conditions under which he would bare his fangs were becoming clear to Subaru. If the worst condition, no questions asked, had been overturned, that was something to be welcomed.

"How I should date you is a problem that's bothering me."

"You're saying things I don't understand, hey."

"That's something we have to discuss here. Anyway, let's sit down and talk about the details. First, I want to let Emilia rest. You can decide on the future schedule as well."

　Subaru raised a finger and made this suggestion, and no one dared to oppose him.

　After Emilia apologised to everyone, saying "I'm sorry", the group marched through the Sanctuary with Ram leading the way, holding her hand, and found a place to settle down - just like before, Lewes' house was chosen as the location.

　Emilia didn't lose her cool. Garfiel maintained a friendly attitude towards Subaru, who had just returned from Return by Death.

　Faced with a number of new conditions, Subaru continues to search for the best way to act, and how best to face "death."

　There's so much to know and so much to try.

　How many sacrifices must we make to seize the best future?

　Subaru doesn't realize that he is making calculations without taking his own life into account.

"――――"

　Subaru doesn't even notice Lewes staring at him from behind.

　I didn't notice it.