Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu web novel

--He had made up his mind to attack, but the moment he saw the waves of emotion in her moist eyes, Subaru found himself overcome with terrible regret.

　Those words had undoubtedly tore the scabs from the wounds in Emilia's heart. Using worry as an excuse, he had violently ripped open the wounds that had not yet healed.

　Subaru couldn't help but feel the same palpable pain that she had felt.

"The Trials at the Tomb are things that show you your past... well, I know from what everyone has told me."

"----!"

　Still, Subaru delves deeper, searching for something beyond the pain.

　Emilia bit her lip as a shudder ran through her expression, her trembling eyes still fixed on Subaru and refusing to let go.

　Regarding the Trials, she decided to hold off on telling them that Subaru had taken them directly. She couldn't just flippantly say that if Subaru could do it, Emilia could too, and above all, Subaru's current qualifications had been taken away. It wouldn't be strange for her to think that she lied to comfort him.

　If that's the case, then he should just tell her how he sincerely cares for Emilia.

Subaru: "So, I think that's probably the reason why Emilia had to turn back. She's been worried and suffering, and I'm sure she's been carrying it all alone… and I know that she's about to take on the 'Trial' again tonight."

"――――"

　In all four repeated worlds, Emilia has never come to Subaru for help with the contents of the Trials. This is because Subaru has almost completely neglected her right to take them, believing that there is no need for her to undergo them, and also because Emilia herself has never had the opportunity to confide in Subaru.

　The former problem had been solved because Emilia was the only one who could take on the Trials, but the latter problem was about to be decided at this very moment.

　Hearing Subaru's voice, Emilia's cheeks stiffen and she lowers her head.

　Before her eyes, framed by long eyelashes, could be completely averted, Subaru continued speaking.

"But still."

"――――"

"Would you mind sharing with me some of the burden you're carrying that's threatening to crush you? If there's a past that you're afraid to look back on, would you mind letting me stand beside you as you face it?"

　She stopped bowing her head and looked timidly at Subaru again.

　Subaru couldn't let Emilia's eyes reflect an anxious or weak self. With unfounded confidence, he puffed out his chest and met Emilia's gaze.

　He is very good at puffing up unfounded confidence and bravado.

"When I think back, I don't know anything about you, Emilia. I like you. That's because I really like your appearance, but it's also because the part of you that I got to know during our time together makes me irresistible."

"――――"

"That's why I can proudly say that I love the person you are now. But what experiences have you had, what have you felt, what have you thought before becoming who you are now… I don't know anything about it. That's because I never thought there was any opportunity, or need to know. What's important is the present and the future, not the past. …But"

"...but?"

"Now, you've come to the point where you have to look back on your past, and if you say that you're terrified of standing there alone… then can't you give me the qualifications to face alongside you the opportunity that led you to become who you are today, the past that you must face?"

　Because his right to shoulder the hardships that befall Emilia in her place has been taken away.

　If that was the case, then Subaru wanted to be qualified to be by Emilia's side, supporting her and giving her a hand to lean on when she became exhausted and was about to collapse.

　It may only be a consolation, but there will surely be a moment when that consolation will provide relief to your heart.

"――――"

　Subaru remained still and waited for Emilia's reply, who remained silent.

　The flickering in Emilia's eyes conveys the intense conflict raging within her. Doubt and confusion, guilt and self-loathing. A variety of emotions run wild within Emilia's slender body, raging and trying to tear it apart.

　Eventually, Emilia said in a small voice,

"Subaru's existence… well, just having him there has helped me… so I don't want to cause him any more trouble…"

"I don't think of the trouble I cause you as a nuisance. I'm happy that I can do something for you. When you're in trouble and you need someone to lend you a hand, I want to be the first to offer one."

"--!"

　In a weak voice, he spoke again to Emilia, who was about to reject Subaru's proposal.

　As long as Emilia didn't take a serious stance in refusing, Subaru had no intention of backing down. From the start, he was aware that he was delving into things she didn't want to talk about. Now that she had expressed that reluctantly, Subaru's resolve was not going to waver.

　Subaru hadn't slammed the contract on Roswaal with that level of resolve.

　Still conflicted, Emilia shut her eyes tightly and looked down,

"Subaru is…"

"――――"

"Subaru, you believed in me..."

　The words that should have followed after that were not spoken by Emilia. Just before she could finish speaking, her nobility denied those cowardly words.

　There is no more shameful act than doubting the trustworthiness of someone who is sincerely appealing to you.

　This was exactly the self-centeredness that Subaru had once been unable to bear and had thrust upon Emilia.

　Emilia, who managed to hold back, remained noble even in the face of pressure.

　Therefore, Subaru didn't ask her to repeat what she had just said or dig into it again, and Emilia slumped her shoulders as if regretting what she had said,

"...Tell me what you want to know, Subaru."

"..."

"If I tell it, it'll probably just be a completely incoherent story… so I want you to find out from Subaru."

"...Is that okay?"

"--Yeah. I think that's probably another "trial" for me."

　Subaru was momentarily lost for words at the sight of Emilia smiling fleetingly and in a resigned voice.

　Then, shaking his head as if to regain his composure, Subaru pointed to the bed as if to change the situation.

"For now, let's sit down, as this may be a long conversation."

"...Right."

　Emilia straightened her posture and sat on the bed. Subaru pulled out a chair and sat in front of her, facing her head-on.

　Smoothing out the wrinkles in her somewhat disheveled clothes, Emilia waited for Subaru to speak.

　And so, while he was waiting for her to speak, Subaru finally reached the crucial moment, he hesitated for a few seconds about what question he should ask first, and then formed his words.

"What kind of past did Emilia experience during the Trial at the Tomb? From what I've heard from those who have experienced it, it was something like a memory of regret for her."

　Subaru asked, carefully choosing his words so that she wouldn't realise that it was a real experience.

　The first "trial" is to face one's past. However, the past Subaru saw was not the "real past." The play was newly shaped, with the family of his former world, which is evidence of Subaru's regret, and the guilt of the past as its stage.

　So, what form did Emilia's "trial" take?

　In response to Subaru's question, Emilia licked her dry lips once to moisten them,

"The past that I saw was probably... a memory from before I fell asleep, I think."

"--? Before you went to sleep...?"

"Yes, before I fell asleep. It's a hazy memory, and not a very clear one, but... I was still young when I saw it there, so that's probably it."

　Subaru was perplexed by Emilia's words as she closed her eyes, searching her memory and assuming a confessional stance.

　I understand the meaning of the expression "small self." If "trials" are something that reflect the past, then depending on how far back you go, you may have to face your own childhood.

　However, Subaru didn't understand the expression "before sleeping."

"Wait a second. What do you mean, before you fall asleep? Does that mean something different from normal nighttime sleep?"

"No, that's not it. By before I fell asleep... I mean before I slept inside the great tree in the forest, inside the ice. So it's a story from a long, long time ago."

"Inside the ice… Emilia, what do you mean?"

　The context was so lacking that one wondered if the words were being made purposely difficult to understand. And yet, his imagination alone dug its cold claws into Subaru's spine, scratching away at it.

　Feeling a sense of irritation hitting his chest, Subaru tried his best to remain calm,

"Answer me, Emilia. What do you mean, inside a great tree, inside the ice?"

"...that's it."

"――――"

　After a moment, Emilia looked up at Subaru and said.

"I was frozen together with the great tree in the forest. Until Puck found me and got me out, it was a really long time."

※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※

『---Finally, I found it.』

　--Who is it?

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for leaving you all alone. I've been looking for you for so long. I've been looking for you, looking for you, looking for you."

　--Where am I? It's so cold.

"I'll let you out right away. In a lonely place like this, all by myself... Why did this happen to her... Why have I had to leave her for so long..."

　--Hey, who is it? Why are you crying?

"--It's because I love you more than anything else. That's why I'm so happy to be able to meet you again."

　-Are you actually happy?

"That's right. I was reborn to be with you... to meet you."

　--Who are you?

"I am... I am your greatest ally. Your greatest, strongest ally."

　--Then you are mine.

"--Yes, that's right. That's right. So, from this day on, I'm your family. From this moment on, you'll never be alone again. - I swear to you that."

　--Is that so? Then, that is...

※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※

"--I'm so happy."

　Emilia places her hand on her chest and recalls those happy times.

　As he listened to her words, Subaru felt his mouth dry out rapidly.

　Emilia was said to have been sleeping in the ice.

　A great tree of prayer that was once in her hometown. Emilia was frozen in ice along with its trunk, and spent her time there until she was rescued by Puck.

　Just how long will it take?

"Emilia. Is it correct that the place you were living in is the Great Elior Forest? It's a forest that has been frozen since ancient times, and they say the area is gradually expanding…"

"Yes, that's right. After I woke up, that forest came to be called the Ice Forest. -- Before I slept, when I was living with everyone, it never snowed, and it was a place surrounded by bright sunlight and greenery."

"Green... no, more importantly, what about everyone?"

　It was a land he'd only heard about. Subaru didn't know the before and after of the Great Elior Forest. So he asked about another part that concerned him.

"Everyone. We lived together in the forest village... all the elves."

"Elf's... that means Emilia's family was there too, right? Her father, mother... and maybe her siblings too."

"――――"

　Seeing Emilia's eyes filling with sadness at Subaru's words, Subaru realized that he had once again made a mistake in the heat of the moment.

　Emilia must have said it once before. That Puck, who was by her side, was like a parent to her, and the only family she had.

　Given that, it was obvious that her family had been lost in some way.

"Sorry... that's not what I meant..."

"It's fine. Subaru is worried about me, after all... But I didn't have any family in the forest. Everyone in the village was kind to me, and they smiled at me, but... I didn't have any relationships in that forest that could be called a true family."

"...I mean, they weren't there. Where are your parents...?"

　Emilia quietly shook her head in response to the question.

　Then, as if to distract herself by touching something with her fingertips, she played with the ends of her braided hair,

"When I first became aware of things, neither of them were around. I didn't really think that was strange at the time... but there was someone like my mother. She was incredibly kind, strong, and cool... someone like that."

"――――"

"But that person, and everyone else... they all fell asleep the same way I did. Even now, within the forests of Elior Forest, there are many people who are asleep and have not woken up."

"--What!?"

　Emilia's voice was calm, as if she was just stating the facts. Subaru choked on what she said, but Emilia continued without paying any attention to his reaction.

"Ever since I woke up, Puck and I have been watching over everyone who was sleeping like that. I wanted someone to wake up like me someday, so that they wouldn't have to remain unaware... That's why I stayed there."

"...Wait a moment."

　Subaru's brain was having a hard time keeping up with the amount of information being spoken.

　What on earth happened on the day Emilia saw snow for the first time in Elior Forest?

"As far as I know, Elior Forest started to freeze over... yes, it must have been a little over a hundred years ago. I heard that somewhere before, during the royal selection process or something."

"Yeah. I was also very surprised when I heard about it after I started studying at the mansion."

"So Emilia, you were there when the Great Elior Forest started to freeze over, right? Do you know what caused it?"

"--No, I don't know."

　Shaking her head, Emilia denied Subaru's words.

　As Subaru frowned, she lowered her eyes with a pained expression.

"I really don't know. What happened then... I don't remember clearly. I just remember that I was small, and that I was really scared. But I continued to sleep like that, so even those memories are vague..."

"You've been saying you were little for a while now, but how old were you then?"

"I think I was probably about seven years old."

"Seven years old...Is it okay for elves to count age the same as humans?"

　Emilia nodded in response to Subaru's question.

　Normally, one age is added for each passing year. Elves are famous for being a long-lived race, and the same goes for Emilia, who is a half-elf. However, even long-lived elves have a life from when they were just born, so it's not like one can blame the young Emilia, who was seven years old at the time.

　A simple calculation would make Emilia currently seven years old, more than a hundred years old.

"There's no need to worry about that much of an age difference now. If the other person is from another world, there's no point in worrying about it."

"...Subaru, what's wrong? Something's wrong with me..."

"I didn't say that, I didn't say that. I was just thinking that there was a slight age difference between me and Emilia."

　To clear his thoughts and freshen the air, Subaru tried to change the atmosphere by making some light-hearted remarks. Emilia probably didn't realise what Subaru was trying to say, but she relaxed her stiff cheeks a little and sighed softly at what Subaru said, "You're right."

"But I was asleep and unconscious for a long time, so I'm not really confident that I'm as old as my actual age..."

"Is that so? I'm not sure how fast elves grow, but I think it's enough if you fit it into the human frame."

　He casually looks at Emilia, who is sitting on the bed, and snorts at her worried expression.

　Her limbs were fully stretched, and the curves of her body were feminine. Her melancholy amethyst eyes and delicate features accentuated her mysterious beauty, which was somewhere between that of a young girl and that of a woman.

　Emilia has matured into a real woman.

　However, Subaru's thoughts seemed to be slightly different from Emilia's concerns.

　Emilia shook her head and said, "No."

"The ice that put me to sleep didn't stop time, but only put my mind to sleep. So even inside the ice, my body continued to grow. For a while after I woke up, the way my body moved was so different from before I fell asleep that I made a lot of mistakes."

"Such ice... I see, so that's what's causing the problems."

　It would have been confusing to wake up in the body of a young seven-year-old before going to sleep and find that he was a fully grown body.

　In manga and anime, it's common for children to grow into adults physically, but it's impossible for them to adapt that easily. Their brains don't match up, and it's only natural that they would struggle like Emilia.

"Roswaal took me out of the forest and I studied outside... I was really surprised when I found out I had been asleep for nearly a hundred years. I had been asleep for that long."

"If people age normally inside, then if anyone other than elves or other long-lived races were to be trapped in the same ice for an extended period of time, then that would be the end of volume one..."

　Just as he was about to say that, Subaru felt like he had just heard some incredible truth.

　Closing his eyes, Subaru quietly put the numbers together in his head. He calculated, added and subtracted, then recalculated several times to confirm, turning his doubt into a definite suspicion.

"Emilia, you just said that you've been asleep for nearly a hundred years, right?"

"Yeah, that's true, but...?"

"So you were about seven before you fell asleep?"

"Hm, that's right. Subaru, what are you…"

"Emilia. How many years has it been since Puck woke you up?"

　At the very least, from what she had heard, it had been about six months since she had been taken out of the forest by Roswaal. Until then, Emilia and Puck had been living in Elior Forest together. The question was how long it would take for her to fall asleep, wake up, and meet Roswaal.

　Emilia made a difficult face in response to Subaru's question, touching her lips with her finger,

"...Maybe seven or six years... maybe."

"――――"

　Hearing Emilia's answer, the doubts that had begun to grow within Subaru turned into certainty.

　And that truth ran through Subaru's entire body like a shockwave.

　He was born at the age of seven, then slept for about a hundred years, waking up seven years ago.

　So that means this:

　--Emilia's actual age is about 107 years old, her physical age is 18, and her mental age is 14.

"Actual age, apparent age, mental age... they're all off..."

　Because they were elves, the three-fold age difference was possible, which would normally be impossible.

　Subaru's many questions about Emilia's behavior up until now suddenly made sense.

　For an elf who has lived for over a hundred years, she is not good at flattery, and despite her appearance, it is undeniable that she lacks experience when it comes to interacting with people, and she sometimes makes adorable, childlike gestures and attitudes.

　It was all a result of having spent most of her life on ice.

"Fourteen...is no different from Felt..."

　Why should such a girl be placed under such great responsibility? Her irritation towards the royal selection system and towards Roswaal grows.

　And while Subaru was reflecting on how he had gone off on an unexpected tangent in an attempt to lighten the mood, he cut to a topic that was by no means unrelated.

"You said you don't know why the forest was frozen. So what will you see in the Trial? Maybe you'll see those vague... memories from before the forest was frozen?"

"...Yes, I think so. The scenery I'm looking at is surely a memory of a time that really happened before I fell asleep... that's what I think."

"If that memory scared you that much, then it must mean that you encountered something terrible there that froze you and the other elves, and that you're unconsciously rejecting it..."

"--different"

"Isn't there really nothing else to be scared of? What the Trial shows the person is their greatest regret. So, what Emilia sees is…"

「I'm telling you that's not it――!?」

　Subaru's reasoning was coming together and he was speaking with a lot of enthusiasm when Emilia's shout blew him away.

　Emilia immediately blinked, as if regretting having shouted, but then she closed her eyes as if to shake off her hesitation, and turned to Subaru with a tearful face.

"That's not what I saw during the Trial. I didn't see anything like that. What I, what I saw was..."

"Eh, Emiri..."

"---Child of the Devil."

　A chill and sharp sensation pierced Subaru's spine, as if an icicle had been thrust into his back.

　Emilia covers her face with both hands to hide her expression. From behind that invisible face, a quiet voice continues speaking emotionlessly.

"The seed of disaster. A silver abomination. A life that should never have been born. A source of hatred. An unforgivable soul. A demon. - The witch's daughter."

"――――"

"Everyone who was kind to me, everyone who smiled at me, said those words to me in the cold snow, and then..."

　Emilia's limbs and entire body were trembling violently.

　The Trial forced her to face a past she had left behind in sleep. Remembering that raw malice, an unstoppable sadness assaulted her body.

"I don't remember anything that happened after that while I was in the ice. But I'm sure the others still remember that they cursed me while in the ice. I've inherited that curse ever since."

"――――"

"So I got everybody off the ice... and I wanted to apologize."

　With a tearful face, Emilia raised her head to look at those people who were not there, and then quietly bowed her head. And then,

"I'm sorry for causing you all so much trouble. -- I love you all so much."