Rising Shards

Diast had her lights a bit dim in her office; it made the room feel a bit cozy. I felt like I was talking to a therapist instead of just my teacher. Though I guess she was also my Cani doctor, so maybe this all fell under that too.

“OK, can you start at the beginning?” Diast said. “If you don’t mind.”

I told Dr. Diast a brief version of my time with Jeans. With still getting into the bad parts, maybe more than I intended, but the amount of detail I really needed to say. Dr. Diast was quiet for a split second that really terrified me.

“You’re not still talking to her, are you?” Diast asked. “Jeans, I mean.”

I shook my head.

“Thank all that is holy,” Diast said.

Hearing that as Diast’s immediate reaction made me feel a little better, too. Everyone who heard about what I went through with Jeans, even when I sugarcoated it, had that reaction.

“But Ovie…” I said. “Ovie I still talked to. Until, you know.”

“Oh…oh.” Diast said. She looked up at the ceiling to think. “OK, a lot is making sense now. So Ovie was…gotcha.”

Diast sighed again.

“That’s a hell of a lot for you to deal with.” Diast said. “It’s pretty impressive you’re still doing well in class in spite of all this, you know. Really impressive, honestly.”

“What, scraping by?” I said.

“No, you’re genuinely doing good! And on top of that hanging over you. Like, pat yourself on the back for that at least, girl.”

“Thanks,” I said. After going through some more tissues, I started babbling. “I hated to think about this, but with everyone gone I can’t stop thinking about it. Not just that I feel bad about Ovie, that I accidentally did all that to her…that I keep getting reminded of every time someone stares and whispers about me…but I also can’t get the idea out of my head that it’s not fair that Jeans is doing better than me now. But it’s so mean to even think that! So then I feel even more guilty…”

“Why would she be doing better than you?” Diast asked.

“She’s not alone…you know what I mean. Not alone alone.” I said. “She’s probably happy…and I’m still sad.”

“If it’s just that she’s dating and you’re not, I wouldn’t count that as a win,” Diast said, thankfully reading between the lines of what I said without needing futher clarification from me. “If she wrecked two relationships at once, she probably has the personality type that will always be wanting more and presumably continuing to wreck relationships. And you know what else?”

“What?” I said.

“That you show remorse shows that you’re a caring person,” Diast said.

“Th-thanks,” I said. “I do like helping people. I was even trying to help Kalei out this morning.”

“That is awesome, but I have a bit of advice there on that note,” Diast said. “Don’t spread yourself too thin.”

“Huh?”

“You’re a kind person, Zeta,” Diast said. “And if you’re trying to fill that hurt with giving for others, you have to make sure you don’t go past your own limits.”

“But…helping people is good! Why would that…” I said. “If I don’t help anyone, doesn’t that prove it all right?”

“Prove what all right?”

“That…if I don’t help, I’m…” I said. “I’m not a good person.”

“Think of it this way,” Diast said. “I’m not saying like, stop helping anyone and be a selfish jerk, because that isn’t good either. Picture a piece of toast. You’ve got to butter it, but you’ve only got so much butter. The butter is how much giving you have to give. And none of us have an infinite amount of butter. Even that Cani with the butter creating powers only had a near infinite amount of butter.”

It was starting to make sense. Maybe the reason I was so upset about all this was because I had spread myself too thin already. And maybe Diast could see that, too.

“We all only have so much to give,” Diast said. “And if you’ve been giving to everyone around you trying to make them happy, you’re not giving yourself any time.”

Thinking about how my weekend had gone so far, I really hadn’t given myself any time. Sure, I had my mope walks, but those weren’t really productive or at all rewarding to myself outside of getting some exercise in and burning off some worry. So they were somewhat productive, but not really good at giving myself recovery time.

“It’s common when someone puts another through something like you’ve been through,” Diast said. “The victim doesn’t want to repeat it, so they try to please everyone they can. But nobody in the world can please everyone. Not even that Cani with the butter creating powers, and he really tried.”

Victim. It was weird thinking of myself that way with the Jeans situation, but it did make sense.

“So how do I…not?” I asked. “I’m so scared of another Jeans...or becoming a Jeans myself.”

“Setting firm boundaries is good, even just in friendships,” Diast said. “That way, you won’t force yourself to give too much. It’s also really important you have a personal value system to live by, but that’s a discussion for another day. I can loan you a book if you want that’s really good for stuff like that.”

“Yeah?” I asked. “I’d like that.”

By that point, I was finally at a point where I didn’t constantly need a tissue in my face. I didn’t know if I was ready to go though. I felt like if I went back right then, I’d just be back to moping at the fountain in no time.

“Hey, Dr. Diast,” I said. “One more thing.”

“Go for it, buddy.”

“When we talked on the phone after our first appointment, you said something about moving on,” I said. “That I can let go of people to move forward.”

“I think I remember that,” Dr. Diast said.

“If I get to the point where I’m ready to move on…do I…you know, deserve to?” I said. “If there’s something that I want…that I could maybe get. To, you know, help with the…moving on business. I guess what I’m asking…am I like, how long should I…?” I trailed off.

“If you’re asking if you can do kind things for yourself without feeling guilty, the answer to that is yes. I’d be more concerned about you needing to put yourself in any kind of penance for all that stuff. It absolutely wasn’t your fault. Don’t hold yourself back for that crap from being happy.”

“OK,” I said. “Thank you.”

“Any time,” Diast said. “If you’re ever feeling like that again, don’t hesitate to find me or the nurses here. We have a pretty good counseling program, I think at least."

“I will,” I said. “Thank you so much.”

I left her office feeling a lot less burdened than I had when I entered. Suddenly a weekend to myself didn’t sound quite as bad.