Rising Shards

With our first day back at class somewhat successfully done, Oka and I decided to treat ourselves to our traditional weekly nail night instead of skipping it. Kalei, as she usually did on nail nights, had some snarky comments about how girlie we were before bailing and leaving us to it. Sometimes I’d offer to let her in, but really this was Oka and I’s thing, and the two of us really needed some alone time.

“I got this glittery pack I wanna try,” Oka said, ripping up a package of some fancy looking nail polish. I looked over the bottles.

“Let’s see…oooh that silvery one! Gimme!” I said.

“Then I’m going with this kind of light blue dealie,” Oka said, shaking the bottle she’d picked.

With all the changes we’d both been through, having a routine thing happen felt very stabilizing. We got to relax, and as we sat by each other, both of us trying not to move our feet with the divider things in them letting our toenails dry, I felt completely at peace.

“I’m glad we still have nail night,” I said.

“Caya can take nail night with you from my cold, dead hands.” Oka said.

“Was that family thing as tough for you as it was for me?” I asked.

“It was awkward,” Oka said. “I try to not constantly remind the class my family is in charge around these parts. Wait, why was it bad for you?”

I sighed. Maybe I wasn’t completely at peace. “I...so it’s just me and Stella, right? Sometimes that bums me out a lot. And when I ask her about it, she gets weird. So I don’t know the deal and I feel guilty for asking. And it just so happens thanks to this school’s stupid timing that today was one of those days where I asked her."

“Oh…”

“I thought about lying,” I said. “And just saying I had a normal family…” I looked to Oka to gauge her reaction. “And maybe like say that Arctus guy was my relative or something.”

“The one from the void, hmm,” Oka said. “I think people would see through it. Kalei would probably make fun of you, and since it wasn’t true she’d go very in on it in front of everyone. Well, maybe not that harsh but she'd definitely make a joke.”

“Well, it’s maybe not true,” I said. “I guess…I dunno. Even if he’s probably just a void thing, maybe I really did want him to be family. Please don’t tell Stella that. She’d get really sad if she knew.”

“I won’t,” Oka said, gently rubbing my arm. I was so glad I was having this conversation now that we were dating than before when it was just a mutual longing crush. It’d be harder to say any of this to someone without the connection Oka and I had. I gently placed a hand on top of Oka’s on my arm.

“I don’t know anything about my relatives outside of Stella,” I said. “I kinda…blew up at her today about it.”

“Oh, seriously? When did that happen?” Oka asked. “I guess I don’t see you as much since we’re not roommates, so there’s more gaps now, but…”

“It was right before lunch,” I said.

“I’m sorry,” Oka said, moving her hands to pet my tail, which felt weirdly really super nice.

“I ask her about it every now and then, but she just doesn’t want to talk about it,” I said. “So I know it’s not going to be a good story. But I still want to know, you know? And maybe if I had more…it’d be better, somehow?”

“Here’s my first thought there,” Oka said. “In my opinion, one Stella is worth a lot of family members. And this is coming from someone with a sudden large number of relatives somehow. Or. What’s the word for relatives when you’re adopted? Is it still relatives? I don’t know. Anyways, if it helps at all, having sudden new family isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Living with the Kilanders is better than the orphanage, sure, but it also has its own stressors.”

I nodded as I mulled over what she was saying as she continued to gently stroke the fur on my tail.

“You’re a smart cookie, Oka,” I said.

“Pfft, what is that?” Oka giggled.

“I don’t know! It’s just the first thing that came to mind!” I said.

“Maybe I should make you some cookies, that’d be fun.” Oka thought to herself. She whipped her head to me, not quite like horror movie ghost-monster-girl speed, but still enough to make me flinch a little. “I wanna do a better icebreaker.”

“Huh?” I asked. “Like what do you mean?”

“That thing today was so stupid,” Oka said. “Let’s tell each other secrets.”

“Secrets?” Now it was my turn to giggle, because she looked so serious about this.

“Tell me something about yourself nobody knows.” Oka said. “None of that ‘maybe’ crap from the thing today. No family stuff. I want the big secrets. Or just a big secret.”

“How did you go from icebreaker to secrets?” I asked.

“It makes sense! What is an icebreaker if not the reveal of a secret?” Oka asked. “Pretty airtight, if you ask me.”

“I…guess?” I said.

“I’ll go first,” Oka said. “Here, goes, are you ready for a big Oka Ohri secret that I’m only letting my starlight boo know?”

“Sure—yes,” I said. I quickly added the yes because whenever I asked Jeans for anything and she responded even somewhat positively, the most I got was a “sure” and it drove me nuts. Every “sure” just sounded like she didn’t really care, and I didn’t want Oka to think I didn’t care.

“I keep comfort bunny at the Kilander house to keep her safe, but I really miss her lately and I might bring her over for the new room.” Oka said.

“Aww comfort bunny! I remember her from your memory trial!” I said. I was worried that given how bad her old school/orphanage Tesata was that someone there had destroyed comfort bunny, and I was immensely relieved to know comfort bunny was safe.

“Your turn.” Oka said.

I couldn’t back down from telling my girlfriend a secret now. My first thought was some kind of secret thing I’d been thinking about her that I could only tell her, but my immediate thoughts there were not ones I wanted to say out loud at school to her. They were the kind of thoughts I figured I’d barely be able to text her at that point.

“You’re blushing,” Oka said inquisitively. She did the little finger gesture she always did when she was being a bit scheme-y or fiendish with romantic plans; touching her fingertips together like a supervillain. “Sorry to. Point that out. You don’t have to tell me too embarrassing a secret, you know.”

I only blushed more at the idea of actually telling her what I was thinking.

“On the other hand, I’m really curious about whatever you’re thinking given said blushing.” Oka said. "But you don't have to say it! Unless...you want to?"

“H-hey, so.” I said, talking before I had really thought it out, weighing the options of saying something locked deep in my heart so casually. “C’mere.” I gestured for her to get closer. I don’t know how I found the will to do it, but I blurted it out in a whisper it to her with a hand cupped over her ear.

"I keep thinking about that time you showed me your back and I think your back is amazing and all of your body is amazing and I want to see your back like that again and maybe more of you soon or at some point when we're both ready and stuff."

“Oh! Zeta!” Oka said loudly, not at all matching my whisper, which immediately confirmed that I’d actually said the secret out loud to her. She looked at me, stunned with her eyebrows raised. “That’s…”

“That’s not super weird, is it?” I said.

“No, that’s…” Oka said, her eyebrows still raised high. “I…really like that secret. And I...agree with your wanting.” 

As we both tried to cool down (we both decided it would be too much of a time risk to act on my secret immediately with Kalei having the innate ability to return to our room at the worst moments), she nodded proudly. “So nobody can know those! If Kalei asks you about mine, you deflect. And yes, I know we had that big talk about keeping stuff from her, but I think there's a difference between stuff that she can tell is bugging us and we'd be better off telling her or whatever and stuff that's private between us.”

“And I would obviously not say my secret to her there in any scenario ever,” I said. “Are you gonna hide comfort bunny from Lillia too, then?”

“I won't super hide her or anything, but only you get to know the true history of comfort bunny,” Oka said. “Comfort bunny’s used to hiding though, I had to hide her in my bed at Tesata so she didn’t get taken or hurt.”

“Oh,” I said. “That’s…heartbreaking.”

“Probably, yeah.” Oka said after thinking about it. “But we just gotta keep moving forward, right?”

I wished I had a fraction of Oka’s strength. She had been through so much growing up, more than I could comprehend, and here I was upset that my amazing sister that did so much for me wasn’t enough. As if she sensed our talk, my phone rang.

“Oh…” I said, getting out my phone. “Stella’s calling.”

“I’ll leave you to it.” Oka said. "Before I go, lemme say quick one more time. I really liked that secret and am going to text you about that later! So look forward to that if the call's stressful!" She leaned over and gave me a quick kiss before leaving. “My starlight boo’s got this.”

I answered the phone and waited for Stella to talk first.

“Zeta, I know it’s hard,” Stella said. “And I know having me get all weird every time you ask makes it worse probably.”

I let Stella find her words, because I figured she needed to let this out.

“Even if you think you’re ready to hear about our family, I’m not ready to talk about it. And I’m so sorry for that. I’m working on it, but. It takes time.”

“I’m really sorry.” I said. “I shouldn’t have talked to you like that.”

“You’re going through a lot too, I’m not mad at you.” Stella said. "So because I was a big jerk today...and that I want to give you some proof I'm really trying..." She sighed. "I rehearsed this over and over and I'm still...ugh."

"What is it?" I asked.

"I want to give you something," Stella said. "Just like. A bit. So that it's not like." I heard a little 'tok' noise, it must have been her smacking her phone against her forehead. "I want to just say something about them as a way to show I'm really going to try and tell you everything soon."

"O-OK," I said. I just heard her breathing on the other end. "If you don't want to...but if you do, whenever you're ready..." I found myself almost repeating what Oka told me a few minutes earlier, Stella talking about our family like this was like a bizarre tonal inverse of the secret sharing Oka and I took part in.

The very long pause on the other end continued. Part of me didn't want her to put herself through this if it was this hard to say anything about our family, while another part was begging desperately for any information.

"Our mother's name is Octa!" Stella blurted. 

My stomach fluttered in excitement as my mind raced with this information. Octa. Octa Faleur. It was a pretty name. It matched Stella's name and my name in the ending in 'a' deal at least. And she said her name 'is' Octa. So...she wasn't...gone? Maybe? I supposed if she was, her name wouldn't have stopped being Octa.

Octa Faleur. My mother's name is Octa Faleur. I have a mother who exists.

"That's...all I can muster right now." Stella said, sounding like she'd just been through a personal gauntlet just getting that out.

"Thank you for telling me," I said, barely a whisper from a dry mouth. I don't even know if she heard me.

“I’m really just sorry I’m not strong enough yet to talk about us Faleurs more.” Stella said.

“I think you’re plenty strong,” I said, my voice returning to near normal sounds. “You know what Oka said just a few minutes ago?”

“What’s that? She’s not in the room with you listening to this, is she?”

“No, it’s just me here.” I said. “But she said, ’One Stella is worth a lot of family members.’ And I agree with her.”

“Aw. Zeta. That Oka’s a good one, you know?” Stella said. “Like, you know that, right?”

“I do,” I said.

“And not just because she complimented me there.” Stella said.

“I know! She’s just…she’s really great!” I said.

“We gotta have that pizza dinner soon!” Stella said. “Faleur family tradition.”

“Yeah,” I said. We may be a small family, but we at least had a tradition to uphold, and that gave me an odd sense of strength.

“And how about this weekend I take you to see the new apartment?” Stella asked. “I think we’re both ready for you to see that.”

“That sounds good,” I said. “It sounds perfect.”