Surviving marriage in yandere world

If Rei had learned anything during his stay at the Royal Magic Academy, it was this:

There is no such thing as a safe lunch.

Case in point: today the bell rang for the mid-day break, and Rei moved through the mess hall like a ghost. Not because he wanted to—no, he'd rather be a heavily armed guard with anti-wife wards, a decoy puppet body, and maybe a flame-retardant cloak—but because it was the only way to avoid drawing attention from the five obsessively homicidal women currently ruling over this institution like rival mafia dons.

He just wanted a sandwich. One stupid sandwich, nothing fancy, Just two slices of bread, a little roasted wyvern ham, maybe some modest guilt-free cheese—

"REI~♡!"

But it's too late, a shadow fell over his tray and it's a glowing one. A holy glowing princess shadow.

Seraphina floated down from the top of the food hall chandelier like a swan descending from heaven, her golden curls bouncing, her wings shimmering with purifying light, and her tiara glowing with a divine script that read:

"HUSBAND PROPERTY — TRESPASS AND BE SMITED."

"Let me feed you," she said with radiant devotion. "I brought extra holy mayonnaise."

"That's… disturbingly considerate," Rei replied, edging toward the condiment station for an excuse to run.

"I purified it this time," Seraphina said proudly, holding up a glowing vial. "It only screams when exposed to impure thoughts now."

Sure enough, the jar of mayonnaise let out a faint, tortured wail as it got close to Rei's head.

[System Warning: Mental Purity Level – 42%]

[Diagnostic Suggestion: Stop daydreaming about Emilia's cookie recipe.]

[Purification Penalty: 3.2% cranial melting risk.]

He snatched the sandwich and moved toward the far table like a hunted animal, only to find his absolute worst-case scenario already unfolding there.

Because, sitting at his usual table, blinking with cheerful cluelessness, was the current Root of All Wife Anxiety:

"Hi, Rei!" Emilia waved, scooting over.

Her smile was kind. Friendly. Totally devoid of murder. It was, in fact, the only smile he'd seen in months that didn't carry post-coital dagger energy.

"I saved you a seat!"

"…oh no," Rei whispered.

[System Alert: Affection Proximity Detected – Emilia (Target 006)]

[Affection Level: 39.2%]

[Yandere Jealousy Threshold: 37%]

[Current Danger Level: RED — Flame-Related Death Imminent]

As if on cue, Seraphina landed behind him.

"Oh," she said sweetly. "You're sitting with her?"

"I just wanted a sandwich—"

"I brought us a lunch spell picnic." She raised her hands and chanted, voice light and calm as a summer breeze. "By the Heavens Above, Witness My Love—"

A halo formed over her head.

Rei's sandwich trembled in fear.

"I call upon the blessing of the Divine Flame of Everlasting Jealousy!"

BOOOOOM.

The ceiling of the mess hall exploded in a cone of radiant light. Holy fire poured from the sky like divine napalm. Students screamed as magic shields snapped into place. Somewhere, a chair turned into a dove and then spontaneously combusted. And in the center of it all stood Seraphina, halo now upgraded to dual-wingspan mode, smiling with saintly satisfaction.

The dean caught on fire. Dean Gilford, a seventy-year-old archmage who could cast meteor showers in his sleep, had the misfortune of walking in mid-beam and was now doing cartwheels while shouting, "HOLY FLAME SHOULD BE A CLASS TWO SPELL, DAMMIT!"

"Seraphina," Rei hissed, slapping out bits of flaming bread, "what the hell was that?!"

"I simply wished to light the sacred bond between us with heavenly approval," she replied innocently, feet no longer touching the ground.

Behind her, three other yanderes were already arriving at ground zero.

Lilia had on full ceremonial robes.

Rosette emerged from the shadows with a fire extinguisher and three knives.

Drakana crash-landed through the east wall on a flaming broom.

All eyes zeroed in on Emilia.

Who was still just… smiling. "That was flashy! Is this a special club event?"

The wives twitched in unison.

[System Update: Incoming Catfight Forecast – 94% Probability]

[Prediction: Verbal Assault > Magical Posturing > Attempted Dismemberment]

[System Suggestion: Dive under the table.]

Which Rei did.

"—You dare smile after he nearly DIED?!"

That was Lilia, already launching into a sermon about emotional loyalty.

"He only survived because I cast divine warding!" Seraphina huffed.

"I was in the sandwich zone," Rei muttered to himself. "No one casts divine beams during sandwich time."

"I say we hang her for heresy," Rosette deadpanned. "I've prepared nooses of varying silk quality."

Emilia blinked. "Wait, is this a drama performance club?"

Even Drakana was confused. "She… she doesn't even realize she's being threatened. I'm so angry and also so baffled."

"Don't worry," Emilia chirped, patting Rei's hand under the table. "You're shaking. Is this school always this dramatic?"

[System Shock: Hand-Holding Initiated (Stealth Affection Boost +3%)]

[Current Affection Level: 42.6%]

[YANDERE CATASTROPHE TRIGGERED]

[Releasing Emergency Notification Protocol – Code Pink]

A giant magical siren exploded into life over the cafeteria.

WARNING: EMILIA'S AFFECTION LEVEL HAS EXCEEDED SAFETY LIMITS.

REPEAT: EMILIA HAS CROSSED INTO THE LOVE INTEREST ZONE.

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SANITY.

Everyone froze. Including the dean, who was now being healed by a nurse-slash-priest and only half on fire.

Then…

"…She's… in love?" Lilia's voice dropped to something between earthquake rumble and demonic chant.

"She's what?" Seraphina asked, eyes beginning to glow again.

"I KNEW IT," Drakana screamed, fire aura flaring.

Rosette simply opened her cloak to reveal an emergency kill list. "Target Confirmed."

Emilia tilted her head. "In love? With who?"

Then she looked at Rei, then paused, then blushed a little.

"…Oh."

"Oh gods no," Rei whimpered.

The cafeteria exploded again, this time not from divine judgment—but from wife rage. Students screamed. Chairs were thrown. Lightning cracked and from the middle of the chaos, Rei did the only thing he could.

He dove into the sandwich bin and didn't come out for twenty minutes.

Ten Minutes Later. A full battalion of security mages had been summoned.

The Headmaster himself declared "Lunch War Protocol 7" and retreated to his dimensional office.

The dean was now using a bucket and Rei, trembling behind a pile of half-burnt bread, looked up at the one girl still smiling kindly.

"I made you another sandwich," Emilia said, offering him a slightly charred one.

It had little hearts cut into the crust.

[System Notification: Affection Spike — 45.3%]

[Initiating Auto-Prayer Mode. You'll need divine intervention to survive now.]

"…I just wanted lunch," Rei whispered again, hugging the sandwich with haunted eyes.

The mess hall was unrecognizable.

Half the ceiling was gone. Holy light still streamed in like an overzealous stage spotlight. Somewhere in the corner, the enchanted salad bar was now sentient and offering life advice to shell-shocked first-years.

Rei, still in his bread fort, peeked out just enough to watch the five most dangerous women in his life circle Emilia like sharks deciding whether to bite or monologue first.

It was a monologue first as always monologue first.

"You think you can just waltz in here with your wholesome aura and baked goods?" Rosette's voice was low, steady, the kind of tone used right before the poison gets added to your wine. "We've been fighting this war for months. YEARS in emotional time. You haven't earned your seat."

"I was just… eating lunch," Emilia replied, tilting her head like a curious cat.

"That's how it starts," Lilia intoned, clasping her hands together in mock prayer. "First a shared meal… then stolen glances… then matrimony before the eyes of the Goddess."

Drakana growled, claws flexing. "You think you can survive the trial by flame? You'd better hope the answer's yes."

"I… really don't know what's going on," Emilia admitted cheerfully.

Seraphina's wings flared, casting blinding light. "She plays innocent, but the divine senses do not lie. Her heart beats faster in his presence."

[System Side Note: Your heart rate is also elevated. Possibly from stress or the fact that you haven't finished your sandwich.]

Rei put his head in his hands. "I just want the bread…"

Unfortunately, the wives were no longer listening to him.

"Oh, so you're the oblivious type," Rosette said, circling Emilia like a snake made of lace and sharpness. "That's the most dangerous kind."

Lilia leaned in close enough that the edges of her ceremonial robes brushed against Emilia's shoulder. "I will forgive you… if you renounce all feelings immediately and pledge allegiance to the Husband Order."

Emilia blinked. "You mean… join a fan club?"

"It's not a fan club!" three voices snapped in unison.

Meanwhile, the background chaos continued to escalate. Two security mages were attempting to put out a table that refused to stop singing love ballads to Rei. Someone's enchanted soup had turned into a marriage registrar and was now demanding paperwork.

Then, the siren overhead blared again.

WARNING: LOVE-LEVELS STABILIZING AT UNSAFE INTENSITY.

ADDITIONAL WARNING: WIFE FACTION JEALOUSY LEVELS APPROACHING CATACLYSM.

"That's it," Drakana snarled, fire curling from her lips. "Trial by combat."

"Trial by purification," Seraphina countered.

"Trial by political coup," Lilia said, raising a scepter from nowhere.

"Trial by creative assassination," Rosette added with a grin.

"…Trial by… bake-off?" Emilia offered weakly.

Everyone froze. There was a long, tense pause. Even the sentient salad bar stopped giving advice.

"…Explain," Rosette said at last.

"Well," Emilia said slowly, "instead of fighting, you could each make something nice for Rei, and he can choose the one he likes most. That way no one explodes the lunchroom again."

Five pairs of yandere eyes narrowed.

"That's… actually… not the worst idea," Lilia admitted.

"I can work with that," Drakana said, flames lowering just a fraction.

Rosette crossed her arms. "Fine. But I'm poisoning mine creatively."

Seraphina's halo dimmed slightly. "…Heaven approves of friendly competition. As long as I win."

[System Note: Congratulations. You've just scheduled a Magical Bake-Off Deathmatch for tomorrow.]

[Survival Rate: 6%.]

Rei stared at Emilia in horror. "What have you DONE?"

She smiled. "I solved the problem!"

He wanted to say "you made it worse," but then he saw the faintest blush return to her cheeks as she looked at him—and the wives saw it too.

And just like that, the room temperature dropped ten degrees.

To be continued…

Ah yes, lunchtime at the Royal Magic Academy. Just a place for good food, healthy relationships, and light divine arson. Don't worry, Rei. I'm sure next chapter will be completely safe.

Spoiler: it won't.