Surviving marriage in yandere world

It was the perfect plan.

Rei had spent all night crafting it—complete with a dummy corpse made from potatoes and a mop, a self-written obituary that exaggerated his modesty ("He was too humble to accept he was amazing, and too handsome to survive"), and even an old-school dramatic will titled:

"To My Many Loving Wives Who I Definitely Didn't Flee From, Please Don't Dig Me Up."

The goal?

Is disappear or evaporate or transcend and freedom.

[System Warning: Morality Stat -0.5 for Faking Death]

[However, Desperation Stat +3. Approving temporary plan out of pity.]

[Side Quest Started: "Operation Ghost Husband"]

Reward: [Emotional Peace, Probably Not]

Failure Consequence: [Wife Group Counseling (Mandatory, Knife Edition)]

Rei stood on a lonely mountaintop behind the academy, wearing a black cloak and holding a smoke bomb in one hand and a deadpan expression in the other.

"Here lies Rei," he whispered dramatically, "beloved son, scholar, and accidental harem victim. May he rest in pieces—"

KABOOM.

The smoke bomb went off with a disappointing poof, like a depressed teapot.

He tossed a bloodied shirt (ketchup and dramatic tears) onto the rocks, sighed loudly, and vanished behind a carefully hidden trapdoor into a coffin-shaped escape tunnel.

It led 3 kilometers underground to a mossy hideout he found during a previous "yandere-evacuation drill." There were rations. There were books. There was Wi-Fi.

He was free.

He was safe.

He was—

"Hello, Master."

Rei froze. Slowly, ever so slowly, he turned.

Rosette stood there. Holding tea, wearing his death cloak. Smiling sweetly like the grim reaper's more possessive sister.

"Would you like jasmine or arsenic?" she asked.

Rei screamed. Not externally, but the soul-splitting, existential kind.

[System Notification: Faked Death – Status: Failed]

[Rosette: Already prepared 14 resurrection contingencies. License 001 approved by local Death Deity.]

[Bonus File: Rosette's Resurrection Plan includes a romantic picnic at your grave. With live music.]

"You... how did you—?!"

"I intercepted your forged obituary last night," she said gently, pouring tea. "Corrected the grammar, then added heart emojis."

"WHAT—"

"Oh, and I submitted a resurrection license. Just in case."

Rei blinked. "There's such a thing as a resurrection license?!"

Rosette opened a scroll. It had a golden seal and a sticky note that read:

"Approved by the Bureau of Eternal Return. Cause of Death: Cowardice. Revival Status: Authorized by Yandere Clause 77B."

"Clause 77B!?"

Rosette beamed. "If the target of obsession dies, but is still sexy, a yandere may override death, legally."

[System Note: You are officially too hot to die.]

[New Passive Unlocked: "Immortal Against Your Will"]

Effect: Revives you every time you try to escape emotionally. Or literally.

Rei backed away. "You're insane."

"You say that every time," she replied sweetly, pulling out a clipboard. "Now then. Shall we go over today's events?"

"No."

"It's too late. 9:00 AM: Resurrect. 9:30 AM: Public Funeral Rebranding Ceremony."

"You mean I have to attend my own funeral?!"

"Yes. The student body misses you. Lilia has started carving a statue. Drakana volunteered to weep on command. Emilia's making cupcakes with your initials."

"She hates cooking."

"Exactly. It's true love."

9:45 AM – FUNERAL (PARTY)

Rei stood on the main balcony like a resurrected prom king, surrounded by banners that said:

"WELCOME BACK FROM THE DEAD, YOU DRAMATIC IDIOT 💕"

Lilia sobbed into her lace veil, clutching a bouquet the size of a small tree.

"I KNEW he'd return to us!" she cried. "The prophecy was TRUE!"

Drakana, dressed in full dragon armor, held a battle horn and let out a roar that cracked four windows.

Even Seraphina lit a candle. A candle shaped like Rei. It melted disturbingly fast.

Rosette stepped forward, arms open.

"I offer you all the gift of his return," she declared like a martyr. "With bonus tea coupons."

The students cheered.

Rei stared out at the crowd.

"...I was gone for forty minutes."

[System Notification: Achievement Unlocked – "Failed to Stay Dead"]

[Title Gained: "Lover of Life (Against His Will)"]

Reward: [Increased Wife Affection +5]

Curse: [Increased Wife Attention +10,000]

After the funeral came the Post-Resurrection Romantic Brunch.

Each girl tried to hand-feed him omelets shaped like hearts. Even the headmaster. Who was also now back, looking... broken.

"I should've let the donkey trample me," he muttered as Rei passed.

Rei sat on the roof of the dorms, sighing into the stars.

"I can't even die in peace…"

"You don't need to," came a quiet voice.

It was Emilia. Standing there with a half-empty cupcake tray.

"I didn't cry," she muttered. "Or build a shrine but... I'm glad you didn't vanish."

Rei blinked.

That was the closest thing to emotional vulnerability she'd ever said.

His heart jumped then the tray exploded.

Seraphina landed like a meteor. "HE'S MINE IN LIFE AND DEATH."

"No, mine!" Lilia descended from the heavens.

Drakana kicked down the chimney.

Rosette was already behind him.

Rei sighed.

[System Notification: Current Threat Level – "Romantic Apocalypse"]

[Passive Suggestion: Faking Amnesia Next?]

[Also: You have 13 scheduled wedding rehearsals this week.]

[Would you like to scream now? Y/N]

POST-FUNERAL ROMANTIC BRUNCH – ESCALATING DISASTER

Rei had already accepted that his brunch plate was no longer his own.

First came Lilia, sliding in with a perfect golden omelet, steam curling like divine incense. "Say ahhh, Husband-sama~"

Before Rei could respond, Rosette's fork intercepted midair. "His first post-death bite belongs to me."

Drakana slammed down a plate of raw dragon steak. "Eat real food, weakling."

Seraphina snapped her fingers and conjured a silver platter of mana-infused pancakes that glowed ominously. "Mine will make you immortal."

"I'M ALREADY IMMORTAL AGAINST MY WILL!" Rei shouted.

The entire cafeteria froze. A few students gasped reverently, taking notes in what looked like The New Testament of Rei.

[System Alert: Cult Dogma Updated – "Our God Cannot Die, Even If He Wants To"]

[New Ritual Discovered: "The Annual Death Reenactment Festival" – In Planning Phase]

Rei stood abruptly. "No more food, no more ceremonies and NO more death reenactments!"

The crowd murmured. Someone in the back whispered, "What if we just… sedate him until the festival?"

Rei bolted.

ESCAPE ATTEMPT #2 – 2:15 P.M.

The plan: disguise himself as a janitor, walk out the service gate, and hitchhike to the next country.

The problem: the janitor was already wearing a "Team Rei" armband and recognized him instantly.

"Sir, your divine glow is showing under the cap," the man said reverently.

Rei muttered something about divine indigestion and fled back inside.

3:00 P.M. – THE "AFTERLIFE" PHOTO SHOOT

Before Rei could even process his failed escape, he was dragged into a classroom where three folding backdrops had been set up:

1. Heaven's Gate – white clouds, golden arches, suspiciously realistic angels.

2. Hell's Throne – lava floor, red lighting, plush chair shaped like a heart.

3. The Romantic Limbo Café – inexplicable latte art of his face.

"Since you returned from the dead, we need official portraits," Lilia explained, fluffing his hair.

Rosette adjusted his tie. "For the shrine archives."

Drakana flexed her claws. "For my war banners."

Emilia… just ate a cupcake in the corner, but Rei swore she was smirking.

The photographer—another student in ceremonial garb—snapped shot after shot while the girls argued about his "most spiritually attractive angle."

[System Passive Unlocked: "Photogenic Under Duress"]

Effect: +35% attractiveness in moments of high stress.

6:00 P.M. – THE RESURRECTION PARADE

Rei thought the day was over but he was wrong.

The moment the academy's bell rang, the main gates swung open to reveal… a parade float, not just any float but a massive, flower-covered chariot in the shape of a giant coffin with his face on the lid.

Students in ceremonial robes pulled it through the courtyard while others tossed petals and sang a disturbingly upbeat funeral march remix.

"Why—why is there a parade?!" Rei demanded.

"It's tradition now," Lilia said brightly. "A once-in-a-lifetime event."

"YOU ALREADY SCHEDULED IT FOR NEXT YEAR!"

"Twice in a lifetime," she corrected, smiling.

Drakana waved from the coffin-lid stage. "Get in, we ride to the dorms in style!"

"No!"

"Yes," Rosette said, shoving him gently toward it. "Don't make us sedate you again."

Rei looked at Emilia for help. She shrugged, nibbling another cupcake.

"Traitor," he hissed.

8:30 P.M. – "RESURRECTION SLUMBER PARTY"

Somehow, the day ended not in peace, but with the girls all crammed into his dorm room under the excuse of "making sure he doesn't die again in his sleep."

Rosette brought tea. Lilia brought embroidered blankets with his initials. Drakana brought a "comfort" battle axe. Seraphina brought holy water "just in case of ghost possession."

Rei sat in the corner, hugging a pillow.

"This isn't normal," he muttered. "None of this is normal."

Lilia patted his head. "Shhh. Gods don't need normal."

"I'm not a god."

The room went silent then, all at once:

"Yes, you are," Lilia whispered.

"Yes, you are," Rosette echoed.

"Yes, you are," Seraphina declared.

"Yes, you are," Drakana growled.

Even Emilia, without looking up from her cupcake, mumbled, "Yeah."

[System Notification: Ego Stat +1 (Against User's Will)]

Rei closed his eyes.

"I'm faking amnesia tomorrow," he said flatly.

[Side Quest Unlocked: "Operation Who Are You Again?"]

Reward: [Temporary Sanity Shield]

Risk: [Girls Fighting Over 'Re-Education' Rights]

LATE NIGHT – ROOFTOP AGAIN

Rei sat under the stars, clutching his sanity like a drowning man clinging to driftwood.

The air was cool. The campus was quiet. For once, he almost felt—

"Hi."

He turned. Emilia stood there again, holding one last cupcake.

"You didn't eat," she said simply.

He hesitated, then took it. "…Thanks."

"You know," she added, "if you really want to disappear… you should probably stop telling everyone your plans out loud."

"…Wait. How do you—"

"Goodnight, Rei."

She walked away.

Rei stared after her, wondering for the first time if maybe Emilia wasn't just the quiet one—maybe she was the most dangerous one.

[System Warning: Suspicion Stat +4]

[Arc Foreshadowing: "The Silent Takeover"]

Somewhere below, Lilia's voice floated up from the courtyard.

"Sleep well, Husband-sama! We'll be watching~!"

He looked down and she was holding binoculars.

Rei dropped his head into his hands.

"Yeah," he muttered to himself. "Amnesia. Definitely."

To be continued…