The Villainess Is A Little Crazy

Lidia sighed dramatically, rolling onto her back and staring up at the sky.

The wind was soft, the leaves rustling like they were whispering to each other. The smell of earth, trees, and freedom filled the air. Birds chirped in the distance, and the gentle trickle of the stream was like a soothing lullaby.

If not for the fact that her entire body was in agony, this would actually be nice.

She could almost forget that she was on the run. Almost.

Her throat, however, did not forget how parched she was.

With a groan, she pushed herself up and turned her gaze toward the stream again. The water was so clear, so inviting. It had been cool and refreshing the first time she drank it, and her dry throat screamed for another taste.

She could practically hear it calling to her.

Lidia... come back... sip me...

Who was she to deny such a polite request?

So she crawled forward, cupping her hands to scoop up another drink. But just as she was about to lean in and take a mouthful—

Something moved.

Her eyes flicked up—

And froze.

On the opposite side of the stream, just a few feet away—

A deer.

A big, innocent-looking deer.

Standing in the exact spot where the water flowed so beautifully.

And it was shitting.

Right into the water.

Lidia stared.

Her hands, still cupped, hovered in the air.

Her lips, this close to taking another sip, pressed together.

Her entire soul left her body.

The deer, meanwhile, was completely unbothered.

It just stood there, its big brown eyes empty of thoughts, its tail flicking casually as it unleashed its bowels directly into the same water she had been drinking.

Plop.

Plop.

Plop.

One by one, the little deer turds sank into the stream, breaking the once-pristine surface with waves of betrayal.

Lidia's face dropped.

Her hands slowly uncupped, letting the water slip through her fingers like the innocence she had just lost.

The deer blinked at her.

Lidia blinked back.

Then—

She gagged.

A full-bodied, horrified gag.

She stumbled back, slapping a hand over her mouth.

Oh. My. Gods.

Had she just been drinking... had she just willingly—

Another gag.

No, no, no, NO.

She couldn't think about it.

She wouldn't survive if she thought about it.

But of course, her brain was an asshole and would not let it go.

She had drunk from that water. She had cupped it with her own hands, had splashed it on her face.

Oh, gods, she had practically bathed in it.

Her stomach turned.

The deer, still shitting, watched her suffer in silence.

Lidia clutched her chest, gagging again.

Her entire body convulsed with betrayal.

This was it. This was how she was going to die. Not from a sword fight, not from being caught and executed—

But from deer poop poisoning.

The knight, still tending to his horse, finally noticed her distress. He turned slightly, one eyebrow arching in mild curiosity.

"What are you doing?"

Lidia spun toward him, horrified.

Her hand flung in the direction of the crime scene. "Do you see that?"

He followed her pointing finger. His gaze landed on the deer, still going about its business with the calmness of a zen master.

The knight blinked.

Then shrugged.

"What?" he said. "It's just a deer."

Lidia's jaw dropped.

"Just a—DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT IT'S DOING?"

The knight frowned. He looked again. Then—

"Oh."

Oh?

OH?

That was all he had to say?!

"Oh?!" she shrieked, her arms flailing. "I drank that water!"

The knight... actually laughed.

A real, actual laugh.

It was deep and infuriatingly nice, but Lidia was far too traumatized to care.

"That's why you're acting like you've been cursed?" he asked, amusement lacing his voice. "You drank stream water, and now you realize it's not as clean as you thought?"

She gagged again.

"No," she croaked, palms on her knees as she tried to recover. "I drank deer poop tea."

The knight smirked. "Good for digestion."

She choked on air. "I hate you."

The deer finally finished its horrible act and casually trotted away, tail flicking like it hadn't just ruined her entire day.

Lidia sat down on the ground, defeated.

The knight, clearly having the time of his life, smirked down at her. "So. Still thirsty?"

Lidia lifted her head just enough to glare at him.

He chuckled, shook his head, and tossed her a water flask from his bag. "Here. This one is actually clean."

She caught it, hugging it to her chest like a lifeline.

She uncorked it, sniffed it suspiciously, then took the tiniest sip just to be safe.

The knight watched her like she was the most ridiculous thing he had ever seen.

She didn't care.

She had survived death by deer poop.

She deserved to be cautious.