Brooklyn Nine Nine

Chapter 13: Wall Street Peralta

Jake sat at his desk, quietly scrolling through his investment app on his phone. His Facebook stock, which he had bought with the $5,000 from selling his Mustang, was now showing a 32% gain.

He tilted his head, impressed.

"Wow… Okay… Not bad…" he muttered under his breath.

Unfortunately for him, Boyle had detective-level hearing when it came to Jake's muttering.

"Wait… what's not bad?!" Boyle called out from two desks away.

Jake froze. "Uh…nothing. Just…sports stuff."

Boyle's eyes narrowed. "You hate sports scores."

Amy, looking up from her paperwork, added, "He's right. You once called baseball 'human waiting with hats.'"

Gina swiveled in her chair dramatically. "Is this about money? I sensed wealth energy from this direction."

Jake sighed, locking his phone and shoving it in his desk drawer. "It's really nothing, guys. Drop it."

Boyle practically leaped from his chair and landed at Jake's desk. "No. Tell me. We're friends. I need to know everything about your life. Spill!"

Jake rubbed his face. "Okay, fine. But only because you'll annoy me until I do."

The entire bullpen went quiet. Even Rosa paused mid-email.

Jake leaned back in his chair. "So… I sold my car a while back. Remember the Mustang?"

Boyle gasped. "But… the bet with Amy—"

"Don't care about the bet. The thing was a money pit," Jake said. "I took the cash—about five grand—and I put it in Facebook stock. Just figured…why not? Less gas bills, less stress."

Gina stood up, holding her phone like a microphone. "So you're telling me… you're officially Wall Street Peralta now?"

Jake rolled his eyes. "Hardly. It's one stock, guys. Beginner's luck. It went up a bit, that's all."

Amy, with a mix of disbelief and admiration: "Wait… You researched stocks and made a smart investment decision? Who are you and what have you done with the real Jake Peralta?"

Jake grinned. "I know. Terrifying personal growth, right?"

Boyle grabbed a chair and sat down way too close. "Teach me your ways. What stock should I buy? Ooh! Should I invest in organic dog food companies?"

"No," Jake answered flatly.

Terry walked out of his office just in time to hear that. "What's this about stocks?"

Jake looked up at him. "Nothing. Just me not wanting to become the precinct's financial advisor."

Gina chimed in, "Too late. I already texted myself a reminder titled 'Jake Money Wizard.'"

Amy pulled out a notepad. "Actually… Jake, what metrics did you use? PE ratio? Market cap? Dividend history?"

Jake blinked. "I… uh… read a couple of articles online. Looked at some analyst predictions. And… honestly, it was mostly gut feeling and common sense. Facebook's big, it was dipping, I bought low."

Boyle gasped again. "Buy low… sell high… like a financial ninja!"

Rosa walked by on her way to the break room, deadpan as ever. "You guys realize Jake just made one good trade, right? Calm down."

Hitchcock (from behind his desk, with Cheeto dust on his fingers): "I put all my savings in lottery scratch-offs. How's that for diversification?"

Jake snorted. "That's… definitely a strategy."

Gina pointed at Jake dramatically. "If you don't start a stock tips group chat, I'll expose your embarrassing Instagram likes history."

Jake raised an eyebrow. "Joke's on you. I barely use Instagram. Also, good luck making a group chat when I keep ghosting it."

Boyle still looked at him with puppy eyes. "Just… tell me one more stock to look at. Please?"

Jake sighed again, pulled out his phone, and scrolled. "Fine. Look into… I dunno… Amazon. But I'm not promising anything, okay? I'm not Warren Buffett."

Boyle nodded like Jake had handed him the Ten Commandments.

Amy smiled, shaking her head. "Still… I'm weirdly proud of you, Jake."

Jake grinned. "Yeah, well… don't spread it around. Gotta keep my lovable goofball rep intact."

Terry walked by, clapping Jake on the shoulder. "Well done, Peralta. Now get back to work."

"Already on it, Sarge," Jake said with a smirk, pulling up his next case file.

As the bullpen returned to its usual buzz, Jake sat back and smiled to himself.

Maybe being "Wall Street Peralta" wasn't the worst thing in the world.