DC/Marvel: This Guy is Insane

"Sea Cucumber Shoot!"

Alan swung his leg, sending the skull soaring through the air in a perfect parabola. He immediately sprinted after it, shouting with manic glee, "Channeling Captain Tsubasa!" He caught up to the skull and, with another powerful kick, sent it flying again.

Tumbling through the air, the skull whimpered in terror. "Boss, stop kicking me! I'm going to crack! My cranium is going to crack!"

Alan, however, expertly controlled his strength, continuing to juggle the skull with his feet while muttering nonsensical, dramatic phrases like, "The national team is counting on me! Behold the Golden Right Foot!"

After a few more minutes of this, he finally stopped, taking a deep breath. "A little exercise really is good for the mind and body."

"Boss, I think I'm dying," the skull whimpered from the ground, unable to produce tears. "Are there cracks on my head? I feel cracks." It deeply regretted ever poking its head out of the ground. Life underground had been so peaceful. Now it was a helpless plaything.

"It's fine. I'll patch you up with some super glue later." Alan picked up the skull and tucked it back under his arm.

CRACK!

The fracture on its head lengthened slightly.

"Not a big deal. Just hang in there," Alan said reassuringly.

"…"

Fine. I don't want to live anymore, the skull thought, resigned to its fate. It hoped for a swift end. This existence in Hell was worse than death.

"Did people used to live here?" Alan asked, pointing to the ruins of a city in the distance. It was a desolate, dilapidated scene.

The skull explained, "Some of the buildings in Hell are projections from the real world. Others are the remnants of dead, shattered worlds that have fallen into this dimension. The demons and fallen angels who live here aren't exactly interested in art and architecture."

"Demons? Fallen angels?" Alan held the skull up to his face, scrutinizing it. "You don't seem like a demon." The skull's tone had been filled with contempt when it mentioned them.

"Boss, I'm an undead spirit. Didn't you notice?" the skull asked, its voice full of grievance. "I thought you knew."

Alan tossed the skull away in disgust. "What's the point of you, then? I need to find a local!"

"Boss, come back!" the skull cried out. "I know this place really well! Don't leave me behind!"

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Alan immediately retrieved the skull, gently dusting it off. "Did you get hurt when I dropped you?" he asked with mock concern.

"Uh… no, I'm fine." The skull was unsettled by Alan's sudden fawning but decided to elaborate. "Boss, this place is a borderland between the Netherworld and Hell. There are frequent battles here. I ended up stranded after one of them."

"The Netherworld and Hell!?" Alan frowned deeply. "The author of this story must be insane," he grumbled. "Why make the world map so damn big? How is he supposed to write all this? This hack is trying to kill me by making me run all over the place."

"That's not all," the skull added with a sigh. "There's also the Purgatory faction, run by devils. It used to be a three-way balance of power between Hell, Purgatory, and the Netherworld. But then the damn fallen angels joined Hell, upsetting the balance. Now, Purgatory and the Netherworld have teamed up to fight against Hell."

"So it's a three-kingdoms situation? How childish," Alan scoffed. "All this fighting doesn't solve anything. I should just invite them all for tea. We can sit down, talk it out, and work together to build a bigger, better, more glorious enterprise."

"…"

Who do you think you are? the skull thought. Who would ever listen to you? It wisely kept its thoughts to itself, not wanting to become a soccer ball again. It quickly changed the subject. "Boss, did you end up here by accident? I know a way to get you back."

"Really?" Alan looked at the skull suspiciously, sensing a trap.

"Boss, you're so brilliant! My simple intellect could never deceive you," the skull flattered him shamelessly.

"Skully, my boy, you've got a good eye." Alan puffed out his chest. "Tell me your plan."

"If you get me back to the Netherworld, the lord I serve can send you back to the human world. And our lord is amazing! So nice, so well-spoken, and beautiful! She has suitors lined up all the way from the Netherworld to Purgatory!" The skull prattled on as if pledging allegiance to this lord was the best decision it had ever made.... "Whoa, is she really as amazing as you say? I don't believe it. I have to see for myself." Alan's face was a mask of skepticism, but he saw right through the plot. "You're just trying to trick me into going to the Netherworld so your lord can kill me, aren't you?"

"…"

The skull fell silent. Alan had guessed its true intentions perfectly. The Lord of the Netherworld would undoubtedly execute him on sight. The living were not permitted in the realm of the dead, and trespassers were to be killed without mercy. The rule had been put in place after powerful mages from the human world kept popping in to retrieve souls, which was deeply embarrassing for the Netherworld's management. The lords had held a meeting and decreed that no soul would be allowed to leave, and no living person would be spared, with the sole exception of deities of death.

"Doesn't matter," Alan said with a wide grin. "I love to gamble with my life." He was ready for a trip to the Netherworld. He turned and headed straight for the city ruins. Walking there would be too slow; he needed a vehicle. For a max-level Alchemist, building a car was child's play.

As he walked through the decaying streets, he peered into the shattered windows of the buildings. The interiors were pitch-black, devoid of any light. It felt as though demons were lurking in the shadows, waiting to ambush any passing creature.

"Anyone home? I see you!" Alan shouted, pressing his face against a window and peering inside.

The soulfire in the skull's eyes flickered with terror. Places like this were crawling with demons, especially the low-level ones that traveled in packs. It was beginning to think they wouldn't even make it to the Netherworld before being killed. This guy was a certified maniac.

Suddenly, a dark figure shot out from a corner, lunging at Alan.

With a casual flick of his wrist, Alan grabbed the creature by the neck. He had been looking in the other direction and only turned his head after the fact. "Whoa, you scared me!" he yelped in mock panic. "Good thing Righty was here to protect me. Righty really does love me."

"That's a lizard demon!" the skull shrieked. "They're social creatures!"

The demon was over a meter tall, resembling an oversized lizard with dark red skin and a slightly narrower face that was disturbingly human-like.

Hiss…

The lizard demon thrashed wildly, its long tongue flicking out, either as a threat or a call to its brethren.

SLAP! SLAP!

Alan delivered two hard slaps across its face. "Behave yourself," he warned.

Hiss…

SLAP! SLAP!

"Still hissing at me?"

Hiss…

SLAP! SLAP!

Hiss…

SLAP! SLAP!

…

Alan got into a rhythm, slapping the demon relentlessly until its face was swollen and its hisses became muffled whimpers.

"Boss, we have a situation!" the skull's voice trembled.

"Don't bother me, I'm busy," Alan replied without looking, completely absorbed in his task.

"Boss, we're surrounded!"

Alan finally glanced up. The street was filled with thousands of lizard demons, their eyes glowing in the dim light. He remained unfazed. "You little punk," he snarled at the demon in his hand. "Did you call your friends? Don't you know who I am? I run things in Gotham."

No, we don't. And this is Hell, by the way.

Alan turned to face the horde. "Ever heard of the one-on-one champion of Gotham?" he announced imperiously. "Well, I'm the one-on-many champion of Gotham! Surrender now, and I might spare you."

Sorry, we choose not to surrender. Your terms are… complicated.

"So defiant. I guess there's no room for negotiation." Alan hefted the nearly unconscious lizard demon by its tail, swinging it like a nunchaku. Seeing this, the skull wisely extinguished its soulfire, pretending to be an ordinary, inanimate object.

HISS! HISS! HISS!

The swarm of lizard demons surged forward.

"Quickly, use the nunchucks, humph-humph-ha-hey…" Alan sang, a battle tune on his lips. "Quickly, use the nunchucks, whatcha gonna do…"

He wasn't just using one lizard demon as a weapon. He grabbed another by the tail with his left hand and waded into the demonic horde, swinging his living nunchucks in a whirlwind of brutal, percussive violence.... It was a complete beatdown. With the physical attributes of two max-level professions—twenty-four times that of a normal human—fighting a mob of low-tier demons was like a professional athlete taking on a kindergarten class.

"Go, boss, go! You're so handsome, boss! So cool!" The skull relit its soulfire to check on the situation and was stunned to see Alan single-handedly thrashing the entire army of demons like a god of war.

"Stay humble," Alan called back without missing a beat. "We DC heroes earn our power with our own two hands. We're not like those Marvel heroes who are useless without their fancy gadgets and powers."

The battle raged for an hour. Alan didn't kill a single demon, but he subjected them all to a relentless, storm-like beating.

"Males on the left, females on the right!" Alan commanded.

The lizard demons immediately scurried into two groups. They had realized that this man had the power to slaughter them all but had shown mercy. Though not as intelligent as humans, they had the cognitive ability of ten-year-old children. They understood instructions and feared the strong. To ensure the survival of their clan, they had no choice but to obey.

"The females are my hostages. The males will go find me some parts." An idea had sparked in Alan's mind the moment he saw them. He could make them work for him. Searching the vast city ruins for components by himself would be tedious and time-consuming. That was why he'd held back.

It was classic Alan logic: if the lizard demons were one step more evolved, he'd put them to work and exploit their labor. One step less evolved, and he'd put them on the dinner table and exploit their nutritional value.

The male lizard demons scattered, not daring to disobey. Without females, their clan would be unable to reproduce and would face extinction. Raiding other clans for females was a high-risk venture that would invite retaliation. Besides, Hell was teeming with countless other demon species, and leaving their territory was a gamble.

Soon, they began to return, carrying piece after piece of scrap metal and machinery.

See? Alan thought. When you need something done, it's always best to get help from the locals.

He picked through the parts, directing the demons to find anything he was missing. The city ruins were their home; they wouldn't want to relocate unless absolutely necessary.

With his Alchemist skill, Alan began to forge and shape the raw materials, creating brand-new components. With the help of his new demonic workforce, the rough shape of a car began to take form.

Meanwhile, at the spot where Alan had first arrived in Limbo.

A rift in space tore open, and three young women stepped out.

"So this is Hell. It looks pretty desolate," Yukio remarked, curiously taking in her surroundings. Ellie remained on high alert, her senses sharp. It was her first time here, and she was unfamiliar with the territory.

"Don't worry," Illyana said coolly. "This is my domain. I've killed or driven out all the powerful demons here." She scanned the area but saw no sign of Alan. Finding someone in Limbo was a daunting task. Even she had trouble navigating the disorienting landscape and avoided staying here unless she had to. The environment was simply not suited for human life.

She let out a sharp whistle.

In response, her pet, a small purple dragon, swooped down from the sky and landed gracefully on her shoulder. She tickled its chin, and the dragon, Lockheed, closed his eyes in pleasure.

"Lockheed," Illyana said in a soft, coaxing tone, "can you help me find someone?"

"Roooar…" The small dragon let out a puff of blue flame, indicating his agreement. With a flap of his wings, he shot into the sky. Having spent most of his life in Limbo, Lockheed knew Illyana's territory like the back of his hand, acting as its caretaker when she was away.

Besides, Illyana thought, a mere human couldn't have possibly wandered out of her domain in just half an hour.

(End of Chapter)

***

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