DC/Marvel: This Guy is Insane

The startup was a go. The four of them were in perfect agreement: their business plan was to "borrow the chicken to lay the egg." No tools? Borrow them from the school. No ingredients? Borrow them from the school. Everything they needed, the school would provide.

While Wade and the others set off to procure equipment and supplies, Alan was on market research duty. He sat in the bustling cafeteria as students grabbed their breakfast and settled in for the day. His eyes narrowed, fixating on Colossus as the mountain of metal walked past.

If I sold him for scrap, Alan mused, I wonder how much he'd be worth...

Piotr Rasputin felt a sudden chill run down his chrome spine. He glanced over his shoulder and saw a man in a patient's gown staring at him with a disturbingly greedy look. The man was stroking his chin, his eyes squinted in calculation, a sly grin plastered on his face. Piotr had the sudden, violent urge to introduce that face to his fist of pure organic steel.

Over on the athletic field bleachers, three girls sat together, a twenty-meter bubble of empty space surrounding them. No one dared to get close. This was the school's ruling clique: the number one tough girl, Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Ellie Phimister), the number two tough girl, Magik (Illyana Rasputina), and Ellie's girlfriend, Yukio. In terms of raw power and reputation among the student body, they were at the top of the food chain, far above the senior class students like Cyclops, Phoenix, Iceman, and Pyro, who largely kept to themselves.

Of course, their "reign" wasn't about bullying the weak. They simply had a very direct, very violent method of dealing with anyone else who tried to bully others. Their motto was basically: bully the bullies until you're the only bully left.

"Illyana," Piotr's heavy voice boomed as he approached the group. As her older brother and the school's de facto security chief, he wouldn't let anyone harass his sister. "I heard a lunatic has been bothering you."

"That's right," a cheerful voice piped up. "And that lunatic would be me."

Alan popped his head up from behind the bleachers. "Hello there, Col-ASS-us!" he greeted brightly. "Ever heard of the Anal Alchemist?"

"…"

Piotr just stared, utterly baffled. Alchemist? He was a mutant, through and through.

"I'm warning you," Piotr said, his voice a low growl. "Stay away from my sister."

"Oh, okay!" Alan nodded in understanding. "So I should get closer to you instead."

"Stay away from me, too," Piotr snapped, his patience wearing thin.

Instantly, Alan's entire demeanor changed. His shoulders slumped, and he turned away, the very picture of a lonely, dejected soul abandoned by the world.

A pang of guilt struck Piotr. Maybe he had been too harsh. The man was clearly not well, and he hadn't shown any real malice. He probably just wanted someone to talk to. Was it right to hold him to the standards of a sane person?

Alan shuffled a few feet away. Then, he suddenly spun around and hopped back.

"I went far away!" he announced, then immediately hopped back to his original spot. "And now I'm back!"

He repeated the maneuver a few more times. "I'm hopping far, and I'm hopping back!" he taunted. "Go on, hit me! If you don't hit me, it means you consent to my marriage to your sister!"

He's so obnoxious! Unbelievably obnoxious!

Piotr mentally apologized to himself for ever feeling a shred of pity. This madman couldn't be treated with normal human decency. Clenching his fists, he decided a swift, decisive lesson was the only thing that would make him stop.

"Hey, you're actually gonna do it!"

Alan turned and fled, sprinting away with gleeful, mincing steps. He held his hands in a delicate, flower-like gesture, occasionally glancing back over his shoulder. "Come and get me, Petey-pie! Hee hee hee…"

The combination of his campy posture and infuriatingly smug expression was a sight to behold. Across the field, students stopped and stared, a collective gasp echoing through the morning air. More than one of them wished for a knife to repay him for the visual assault on their eyes.

"Get back here! I'm going to kill you!" Piotr roared, chasing after him, the skin all over his body crawling with embarrassment and rage.

"If you chase me, and you catch me, I'll let you… hee hee hee…"

"I'll 'hee hee hee' your head off!"

The pair, one chasing and one fleeing, disappeared into the distance.... Yukio giggled. "Wow, your brother and that guy really hit it off. They're trying to kill each other on their first meeting."

Unlike the perpetually cool and reserved Magik and Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Yukio had a much more cheerful and outgoing personality.

"To be honest," Magik said seriously, "I want to hit him, too." Alan's particular brand of weaponized annoyance was even more potent than Deadpool's, and for introverted personalities like Magik and Negasonic Teenage Warhead, it was completely overwhelming.

"I think he's funny," Yukio chimed in. She got along well with Wade, so Alan's antics didn't bother her at all. In fact, she found them entertaining.

"That's enough out of you," Ellie said, giving Yukio a pointed look. She could be quite possessive of her girlfriend and didn't like her getting too friendly with other guys, especially since Yukio was bisexual.

"I will permit you to pursue me."

Alan's voice suddenly appeared from right behind them, startling the three girls so badly they nearly unleashed their powers on the spot.

"When did you get back here?" Yukio asked, bewildered. They had just watched him get chased into the woods. How had he reappeared out of thin air?

"I don't like guys," Alan stated, as if it were the most logical thing in the world. "Therefore, he couldn't catch me."

"…"

"My dearest Illyana," Alan said, turning to her with a look of profound love. "I'm starting a business. When I'm rich, I'll buy you lots and lots of stockings. Fishnets, thigh-highs, you name it. And don't worry if you have too many to wear. You can always put them on your head."

"Please keep your distance. I don't like you," Illyana replied, her voice dangerously calm.

"I know you're just pushing me away because you're afraid," Alan said, flicking his hair back with a look of unbearable self-admiration. "You fear you'll become hopelessly addicted to me. This damnable, fatally attractive charm… even I can't control it."

Illyana's hand shot out and grabbed the front of Alan's gown. "Stop bothering me," she seethed.

"If you don't like me, why are you pulling me closer? See? You've let your true feelings slip."

His words were the final straw.

In an instant, the world around them shattered like a mirror, reforming into a completely different, horrifying landscape. Illyana had unleashed her power. Her right hand now brandished the Soulsword, and her eyes glowed with an eerie blue light. A small, purple dragon descended from the sky and landed on her shoulder, sensing its master's fury and letting out a defiant plume of fire in Alan's direction.

"This is Limbo," Illyana threatened, her voice echoing in the hellish dimension. "This is Hell. I can kill you here, and no one will ever know."

The sky was a swirling vortex of fiery clouds, and the ground was a scorched, cracked wasteland. In the distance, twisted trees burned with an eternal flame. It was a scene ripped straight from mythology.

Alan covered his face with his hands. "Oh my… you didn't even give me time to prepare," he said shyly. "You're just so direct. This is all so forward of you."

"…"

Are you insane?! Illyana thought, utterly dumbfounded. I'm going to KILL you, not sleep with you! What is there to be shy about?!

"Stay here and get a taste of Hell," she snarled. Releasing him, she opened a stepping disc and vanished, teleporting back to reality and leaving Alan completely alone.

He looked around. The environment was a monotonous, desolate expanse. There seemed to be no sense of time or direction.

"So this is Hell. It's not so scary," he mused aloud. He then posed a question to himself. "Am I dead right now? Or alive? Or am I in a superposition of both states?"

He shook his head. "Too deep for me. I'll just find a local and ask for directions."

He looked left, then right, but couldn't tell one direction from the other. With no sun in the sky, he held up his hands to let "Lefty" and "Righty" decide.

"Don't listen to that jerk," Alan said, imitating a high-pitched voice for his left hand. "He's in love with some hot blonde now. He hasn't let us come out to play in ages."

Then, in his normal voice, he argued back. "Lefty, that's slander! I think my condition has improved a lot. I barely have any schizophrenic delusions anymore." A deeper voice for his right hand retorted, "Go ask your 'Little Magik' then! I don't believe in love anymore."

"Righty, my love, I'll love you forever!" Alan immediately pleaded. "You're the only one for me!"

To prove his sincerity, he began kissing his right hand frantically.

In the distance, a skeletal demon had just clawed its way out of the scorched earth. The soulfire in its empty eye sockets flickered as it stared at Alan, completely bewildered. This human-like creature was talking to himself and making out with his own hand. He did not seem normal.

WHACK!

Before the skeleton could process the scene, Alan launched a flying sneak attack.

The skeleton's bones were scattered across the ground. Its skull clattered to a stop, its jaw chattering in terror. "Bro, bro, don't kill me, I-I-I…"

"I-I-I-I'll give you all my guns, b-b-b-b-bro, don't kill me…" Alan sang, finishing the terrified plea as a catchy tune.

"…"

The skull stared in silent disbelief. This guy was singing.

"Acknowledge me as your boss, and I'll teach you how to part your hair in the middle," Alan declared, scooping up the skull and tucking it under his arm. He looked at the smooth, bald bone and reconsidered. "On second thought, I'll just buy you a wig."

"Okay, boss," the skeleton replied meekly. The situation being what it was, surrender seemed the only viable option.

"The boss is going to lead you to greatness!" Alan announced, planting a hand on his hip. "I'm going to conquer this entire realm and give it to my Little Magik as a dowry!"

Who the hell is Little Magik? the skull thought desperately. Boss, please, stop. Limbo is a chaotic nightmare. You can't handle it.

The skeleton wanted to cry, but it had no tear ducts. With its bones scattered, it couldn't even run. All it could do was listen as Alan, with the skull still tucked under his arm, began to ramble on about his epic, tragic love story with Magik, his voice fading as he walked off into the desolate horizon.

Back at the school, Magik reappeared through a stepping disc.

Seeing her return alone, Ellie asked, "You left him in Limbo again, didn't you?" It wasn't the first time Illyana had banished a troublesome student to her realm to "reflect" on their mistakes.

"I just dropped him at the edge. He'll be fine," Illyana said calmly. She was always careful, never teleporting anyone to the truly dangerous parts of the dimension. She'd just leave them for an hour or two and then bring them back. The method was foolproof; any student who experienced it never caused trouble again. It was how she had earned her reputation.

"I have a question," Yukio said, a serious look on her face. "Do you think a mentally ill person is going to react like a normal person and just wait patiently where you left him?"

"…"

The realization hit Illyana like a physical blow. "I forgot," she whispered. "He's insane."

Every other student she'd sent to Limbo had been smart enough to stay put, terrified. But it was highly unlikely that a man like Alan would feel any fear at all.

"Hey, Black Queen! Have you seen a lunatic named Alan?"

Wade appeared, sporting a fluffy pink afro wig. "That guy proposed a business partnership and then completely vanished!" he fumed.

"Haven't seen him." The three girls answered in unison, shaking their heads in perfect sync. They couldn't risk telling Wade the truth. If Professor X found out, there would be hell to pay. And if Alan actually died in Limbo… the consequences were unthinkable.

"Damn it. That guy is nothing but trouble. I'll go look somewhere else," Wade grumbled, turning to leave.

The girls let out a collective, silent sigh of relief. They'd gotten away with it.

"Something's not right."

Wade spun back around, the white eye-patches on his mask narrowing suspiciously. "You're definitely hiding something," he accused. "You're not acting like you usually do."

How do we usually act? The three of them were confused. What had they done wrong?

Yukio was the first to figure it out.

"Hi, Wade," she said with a wave. "Was that it? We didn't say hi?"

"There we go! That feels right," Wade said, satisfied. He nodded once and then strode off.

Finally, they could breathe.

"You should go get him now," Ellie suggested. "He probably hasn't wandered too far."

"I…" Illyana looked down, a wave of guilt washing over her. "I can't. I don't have enough magic to make another cross-dimensional jump right now. I need about half an hour to recover."

Her teleportation spells were incredibly draining. On a single planet, she could jump dozens of times without issue. But crossing dimensions, or even just teleporting between planets in the solar system, consumed over seventy percent of her power in a single leap.

(End of Chapter)

***

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