DC/Marvel: This Guy is Insane

Dorm Room 404.

The moment Alan stepped inside, he was met with a dizzying sight. A silver-white blur zipped back and forth across the room, somehow managing to play ping-pong against a wall, mash buttons on a video game controller, and read a book propped up on a stand—all at the same time.

Meanwhile, hanging upside down from a beam on the ceiling was a blue-skinned figure, a prehensile blue tail wrapped securely around the wooden support, patiently engrossed in a book of his own.

"Hey, guys! We've got an interesting new roommate!"

At the sound of Wade's voice, the blur screeched to a halt, resolving into a white-haired teenager. At the same time, the blue-skinned boy flipped down from the rafters, landing silently on the floor.

"This is the new student, Alan. He's got healing powers," Wade announced. He then gestured to the others. "The one with the white hair is Quicksilver, and blue-skin here is Nightcrawler. Their powers are super cool."

"I know," Alan said with a knowing nod. "Let's just say I've seen the movies."

"…" Wade paused, remembering that Alan seemed to share his peculiar awareness of their fictional existence.

"You know us?" Quicksilver asked, intrigued. "Tell me my full name, then."

"Pietro Django Maximoff. And Wanda is your sister," Alan said casually. "Is she at the school?"

"She ran away from home years ago," Pietro said, his usual energetic demeanor dimming. "We don't know where she is."

"Don't worry about it," Alan said with a wave of his hand. "She's probably off somewhere learning magic and dating a robot." He knew all about the Scarlet Witch and her reality-warping chaos magic. He remembered the infamous day she would utter the words "No more mutants," wiping out ninety-nine percent of the mutant population. Of course, all the important, big-name characters were mysteriously spared. Alan felt a brief pang of relief that he wasn't technically a mutant.

"What about me?" Nightcrawler asked, his yellow eyes wide with anticipation.

"Kurt Wagner. Your parents are Azazel and Mystique, right?" Alan recalled the comic book origin, though he knew the movies had changed it.

"I don't know," Kurt said, a touch of sadness in his voice. "I've met Mystique, and I'm sure she's not my mother." From his earliest memories, he had been part of a circus, later sold to an underground fighting ring when business went bad. When Professor X found him, he was living in the sewers. Nightcrawler's life had been undeniably tragic, but he was lucky enough to have met a kind priest who became his mentor, guiding him toward goodness and faith. Because of that, Kurt never held a grudge against those who had hurt him.

Still, his naturally blue skin and demonic appearance meant he was often treated like a monster. Even so, his first instinct was always to teleport away from danger, never to harm others.

"Don't be sad, little Smurf," Alan said, patting him on the shoulder. "You've got us now."

To his surprise, Kurt burst into tears. Smurf?

It was easy to understand why these three ended up as roommates. No sane person wanted to deal with Deadpool's non-stop chatter. Waking up in the middle of the night to see Nightcrawler's demonic form would be enough to scare the sleep out of anyone. And Quicksilver was the son of Magneto, the leader of the extremist Brotherhood of Mutants. Being the son of a world-famous terrorist didn't exactly make you popular in the schoolyard.

So, here they were, a collection of misfits who couldn't judge one another. They were stuck together.

"To new friendships!" Alan declared. "I propose we celebrate with a feast." Eating and drinking together was the fastest way to bond. He looked at the others, who just stared back at him blankly.

Wade posed a very serious, practical question. "You got any money?"

"I'm a mental patient in a hospital gown," Alan deadpanned, gesturing to his threadbare clothes. "Do I look like I have money?"

All eyes turned to Quicksilver and Nightcrawler, who both shook their heads so fast they became blurs. If the two adults were broke, what hope did the students have?

"It makes sense," Alan mused, summarizing their situation perfectly. "Marvel heroes are either rich enough to invent their own tech or poor enough to get mutated. It's not like DC, where everyone has a respectable day job and superheroing is just a side hustle." Wade nodded vigorously. It was a painfully accurate description. The only truly wealthy heroes were the ones who inherited their fortunes.

"Don't worry!" Alan said, his confidence returning in a flash. "A little problem like this is nothing for a man of my talents. I noticed a flock of plump-looking swans in the lake next to the school. Pietro, you go grab a couple. We're having roast goose tonight!" He then turned to the other two. "Wade, Nightcrawler, you're on spice duty." Alan flicked his hair back, a triumphant grin on his face. "I guess it's time to reveal my hidden talent: I'm a culinary genius."

"You're a man of many talents, aren't you?" Wade said sarcastically, clearly skeptical. "You can cook, too?"

"I ooze talent from every pore," Alan bragged. "Even my farts smell like fragrant wisdom."

Without another word, they sprang into action.

Kurt took everyone's hands, and with a focused thought, teleported the group into the forest behind the school. A moment later, Pietro vanished in a flash and reappeared less than three seconds later, two large gray geese tucked under his arms. Wade and Kurt then teleported back to the school cafeteria to "borrow" some seasonings.

Meanwhile, Alan pulled the Blade of Redemption from… well, somewhere, and began expertly preparing the birds while Quicksilver gathered firewood.

Two hours later, any doubts about Alan's skills had vanished.

The two swans, symbols of love and fidelity, were now roasted to a perfect golden-brown, their skin crispy and glistening. They looked and smelled irresistible. A tragic end for a loving couple, perhaps, but a delicious one.

Each of them took a massive leg and devoured it with relish.

Alan finished his in three bites and, while sucking the bone clean, announced, "I have an idea for a business. A way for us to make some serious cash. If we combine our abilities, we'll be on the fast track to the top—we'll be rich, successful, and irresistible."

Three pairs of eyes stared at him, shining with hope. Deadpool had never been wealthy; despite collecting on countless bounties, his money always seemed to vanish. Quicksilver came from a single-parent home and was too proud to ask his mother for money, while his world-famous father was too busy with his "cause" to care for his son. And Nightcrawler was an orphan who would get beaten up just for trying to beg on the street.

"We have no money," Pietro pointed out, stating the obvious flaw. The four of them couldn't scrape together a single dollar. Starting a business was a pipe dream.

"Details, details. We can borrow some ingredients from the kitchen to start," Alan waved off the concern. "We'll pay them back once we're rolling in dough. Not all the kids here come from families who hate them. Most are here because their parents want to protect them. They've got to have an allowance."

"Someone's coming!" Kurt's senses were incredibly sharp. He looked toward the approaching figure, and his face went pale. "It's the Dean of Students, Logan!"

"Wolverine?"

Before Alan could ask anything else, Kurt grabbed them and teleported the entire group back to their dorm room in a puff of sulfurous smoke.

A few moments later, a rugged figure stalked through the trees and arrived at their campsite.

Logan, the Wolverine, looked down at the sizzling, abandoned goose. He picked it up, sniffed it, and a faint smile touched his lips. "You can run as fast as you want," he muttered to himself, "but you can't outrun my nose."

He took a tentative bite. His eyes shot wide open.

Within minutes, only a clean skeleton remained. His gaze fell upon the second, untouched roasted goose.

"Should I take this back for Charles to try?" Logan hesitated, torn. "Then again… maybe I'll just have one more bite… just a little one…"

(End of Chapter)

***

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