DC/Marvel: This Guy is Insane

Lockheed, the little purple dragon, returned. He landed on Illyana's shoulder, and the two began to communicate telepathically. Typically, only adult dragons of his kind could speak human languages; otherwise, communication was only possible through psychic abilities or with those who possessed a natural affinity for it.

"You're saying the lizard demons in my domain saw Alan?"

"Roar…" Lockheed puffed out a wisp of smoke, confirming it.

When she learned that Alan had headed for the border, the color drained from Illyana's face.

"Is that guy dead?" Ellie asked coolly. She had no fond memories of Alan, especially not of him sitting on her lap on his first day. The thought alone made her blood boil.

"Don't say that," Yukio chided. "Alan is still our classmate."

"If he hadn't gone crazy, we wouldn't be in Hell looking for him in the first place," Ellie grumbled.

"Stop arguing," Illyana interjected. "Alan went towards the border. That's the path to the Netherworld."

"The Netherworld!?"

After a quick explanation, the others understood the distinction between Hell and the Netherworld—a distinction that most living people had no reason to know.

"We have a problem," Illyana said, her voice grave. "In Hell, I can draw power from my domain and use my magic freely. But once I enter the Netherworld, I won't be able to replenish my energy. I can't teleport indefinitely. And right now, the Netherworld and Hell are at war."

"So… are we still going to rescue him?" Yukio asked hesitantly. The situation had spiraled far beyond what they had expected. She couldn't help but marvel at Alan's sheer audacity. He'd managed to wander out of Hell and into the Netherworld—a feat no other human could claim.

"Yes. We have to," Illyana said decisively. She took her friends' hands and immediately cast a teleportation spell.

In an instant, they were at the edge of Hell, where a demon army was busy cleaning up the battlefield.

The sudden appearance of three human girls drew the greedy, hungry stares of countless demons. They weren't interested in their beauty; they saw them as food. To a demon, human flesh was a rare delicacy, something to brag about for a lifetime.

Instantly, Illyana's eyes glowed an eerie blue. Scales rapidly covered her right arm, and the shimmering Soulsword materialized in her hand. The powerful aura of a Hell Lord washed over the battlefield. Here in her home dimension, she could unleash her true power, something she couldn't do in the human world.

The demons, who had been eyeing them like prey just a moment before, wisely went back to their work, pretending not to have seen a thing. A Hell Lord, they thought. Our apologies.

"Your Excellency," a fallen angel said, descending from the sky. With his golden hair, black wings, and handsome, refined features, he was a perfect example of celestial craftsmanship. "How may I be of service? I, Yalser, am at your command."

The competition in Hell was fierce, especially since the fallen angels had arrived. Yalser was hoping to curry favor and pledge his allegiance to this new lord. Many angels had been swept up in the War of the Fall and, after being cast into Hell, refused to serve the archangels, choosing a nomadic existence instead.

"Have you seen a human? He looks… not quite right in the head," Illyana asked bluntly, unimpressed by his flattery. She had no interest in managing a domain and could see right through his ploy.

"I saw him a short while ago," Yalser replied truthfully. "He's in the Netherworld now. The Goddess of Death, Hela, took him."

"Thank you." With that, Illyana led her friends towards the Netherworld.

"Your Excellency!" Yalser called out, not giving up. "Are you in need of a commander? Or even a grand commander? I'm willing to be flexible!"

"We're not hiring right now," Illyana called back dismissively.

In Hela's palace, Alan was clutching his massive, swollen belly, his face contorted as if he were about to go into labor.

"I wish your old teammates could see you now," Hela said, a mischievous grin on her face. She hadn't been this happy in a long, long time—not since her days with the Guardians of the Galaxy. In Asgard, she had only ever known fear and reverence, never true friendship.

"You're still laughing?" Alan complained, his voice full of resentment. "You're the one who knocked me up! Do you have anything that works as a diuretic?"

Splat! A glob of sticky, translucent liquid landed on Alan's head.

He looked up and saw a giant, brownish-gray wolf staring down at him. The wolf's mouth was open in a wide grin, its tongue lolling out, hot breath billowing from its jaws.

"What's with this derpy-looking dog?" Alan dodged just in time to avoid another drop of wolf drool.

Hela shot the wolf a look. "Sit," she commanded.

The giant wolf obediently sat, tilting its head inquisitively.

"Could this be… Fenris, the giant wolf!?" Alan had already guessed its identity.

"I'm surprised you know of Fenris," Hela said, gently stroking the wolf's soft fur. "He was my childhood playmate, and the first target Odin ordered me to kill. But I couldn't do it, so Odin locked him away. When I escaped Asgard, I freed him."

"So the author is trying to portray Odin as a tyrant," Alan mused. The Odin from the movies was generally seen as a benevolent king, but his character was full of plot holes. For instance, he ordered Hela to conquer the Nine Realms, then imprisoned her as soon as she was no longer useful. It didn't fit the image of a kind ruler. Why give her the portfolios of death and war if he saw her as a violent threat? He had poured his heart into raising Loki, the son of his enemy, so why couldn't he do the same for Hela? It made no sense.

The only logical explanation was that Hela was the child of the guy next door.

"Case closed!" Alan slapped his thigh. "Odin got cheated on and flew into a rage!"

"What are you even thinking about?" Hela rolled her eyes. "My mother, Angrboða, was a female slave Odin captured when he attacked Jotunheim. The reason he treated me this way is because Asgardians despise the Frost Giants, viewing them as a wicked race unworthy of divine power. Odin detested the Jotun blood in my veins."

"That one-eyed creep is disgusting! He sleeps with a Jotun woman and then complains that she's dirty." A look of disdain crossed Alan's face, but then it quickly shifted. "How tall are the Frost Giants?"

"About four meters on average."

"Whoa… that's… stimulating." Alan's mind went to a very inappropriate place, imagining the normal-sized Odin with a four-meter-tall giantess.

"Big Sister, can you introduce me to a giantess? I want to experience what it's like to go through a tunnel." Alan grabbed Hela's hand, shaking it and whining like a child. "Mama, please?"

Hela's eye twitched. She had definitely lost her mind when she'd let this lunatic call her "Mama." Now, the word just sounded nauseating.

"Please, Mama? My good Mama?" Alan pouted, and the sight of it made Hela's fist clench. A wave of deathly energy shot out, suspending him in mid-air. "Call me 'Mama' one more time," she threatened, "and I'll turn you into an undead spirit."

"Aunty?"

"No."

"Auntie-in-law?"

"No."

"Grandma."

"No."

"Goddess of Green Hats."

"…"

"Don't squeeze so hard! You're going to crush the baby!" Alan yelped as Hela tightened her grip, feeling as though his stomach was about to burst.

Just then, a skeletal soldier in full armor rushed in. "Your Majesty, three living beings have arrived in your domain. They've come to claim their prisoner." In the eyes of the undead, Alan was Hela's captive.

"Goddess of Green Hats, my wifey is here! You're sweating now, aren't you?" Alan taunted, his confidence instantly returning.

"They're probably here to take you back," Hela guessed.

"In your dreams! I'm not going back!" Alan said defiantly. "They can't just make me come and go as they please! I have a reputation to maintain!"

Hela ordered the soldier to bring the visitors in. She had talked to this madman for too long; her brain was starting to feel fuzzy.

A few moments later, Illyana and the others walked into the palace. They had been prepared for a tough fight and were surprised at how smoothly things were going. The first thing they saw was Alan, clutching his massive stomach with a pitifully wronged expression on his face.

"Alan, what happened to you?" Yukio asked, shocked. His body was completely deformed.

"If you were any later," Alan whined, "my baby would have been born already."

Huh? The three girls' jaws dropped. How could a man have a baby?

"He just drank too much water," Hela said, waving a dismissive hand. "Hurry up and take him away. He's driving me crazy."

"I'm not leaving! I have to give birth!" Alan hid behind Hela, peeking out at the three girls.

Hela grabbed him and dragged him in front of them. "Don't just throw him into Hell next time," she warned. "Something bad could really happen." She wasn't worried about Alan's safety; she was worried he would cause so much chaos that the demons would launch a full-scale invasion of the human world out of sheer spite.

"I'm not going! Mama, save me! Your precious baby boy is about to be taken away by these three evil witches for breeding purposes!"

Illyana and Ellie grabbed Alan by each arm and began to drag him out of the palace. Hela vanished in a blur of motion.

"Stop! I have to pee!" The sudden urge was overwhelming. Alan frantically looked around for a place to relieve himself. His eyes landed on Fenris.

The giant wolf tilted its head, confused by what the human was doing.

Alan walked over to Fenris' backside.

A long, steady stream was heard for a full five minutes. When it was over, Alan pulled up his pants, completely satisfied.

Fenris looked back at the large wet spot on his fur and let out a wounded whimper. He turned to look at the culprit, and his eyes met Alan's.

"What are you looking at, stupid dog?" Alan snapped before striding back into the palace.

The three girls finally understood the meaning of "hated by men and dogs alike." He not only peed on the poor creature, but he insulted it afterward.

Fenris, whimpering softly, got up to find Hela for comfort.

"ALAN!!!"

A moment later, Hela's enraged roar echoed through the palace. But it was too late. They had already teleported back to the school.

(End of Chapter)

***

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