DC/Marvel: This Guy is Insane

"Ah, to be reborn!"

Alan faced the sun, his arms spread wide, basking in its warm glow as if nothing had happened. The three girls let out a collective sigh of relief, thankful they had managed to bring him back in one piece.

"My Little Magik."

Alan spun around dramatically, one hand on his hip, the other resting on the air, his legs crossed in a cool pose. "From tomorrow onwards, I'm taking care of you."

"…" Illyana's mouth twitched. She, a Hell Lord, needed a mental patient to take care of her?

"From now on, I'll make you breakfast every morning." Alan wiggled his eyebrows and shot her a wink. "Aren't you touched? After all, I've seen the entire Cooking Master Boy series. I can make anything with these hands. Except maybe stinky tofu. That stuff you have to stomp on with your feet."

"You can't eat too much stinky tofu, anyway," he continued, rambling on. "And don't even get me started on their soap operas. One person in every couple is guaranteed to get cancer. The 'happy ending' is when they both get cancer together. If they don't die of a terminal illness, it turns out they're actually long-lost siblings. To avoid that tragic fate for us, I've decided to permanently remove kimchi from Alan's private menu."

As Alan passionately lectured them, the three girls just started walking towards their classroom.

"Wait, come back! What do you want to eat tomorrow morning?" Alan shouted after them. "Soup dumplings? Pan-fried buns? Steamed buns? Meat buns? Veggie buns? Three-delicacy buns…?"

The more enthusiastically Alan listed off options, the faster the girls walked. If Illyana hadn't used up most of her magic teleporting back from the Netherworld, she probably would have just zapped them all straight to the classroom.

"Oh no!" Allen suddenly remembered something important. "I haven't done my market research yet!"

"But who am I? I'm the number one player in City Tycoon. A little thing like this can't stop me."

His eyes scanned the area, finally locking onto a target. He walked over to a trash can, lifted the lid, and plunged his upper body inside, rummaging through the contents.

Just then, a janitor walked by. Seeing Alan in his patient's gown, digging through the trash, she felt a wave of pity. "Child, please don't do that," she said gently. "If you're hungry, you can get a free breakfast at the cafeteria."

Alan popped his head out, a cardboard box stuck on top of it. "Beautiful lady," he replied, "I'm conducting market research."

"Market research?" In a trash can? she thought. But he was so polite, and he had called her a beautiful lady. The janitor, a woman in her late fifties, couldn't help but feel a little flattered.

With all the students in class, the only way for Alan to gauge the popularity of the cafeteria food was to examine what was left in the trash. He quickly came to a conclusion: there is no such thing as a satisfying school cafeteria.

"Goodbye, beautiful lady."

"Wait, child." As Alan was about to leave, the janitor called out to him. She stepped forward and removed the cardboard box from his head. As she watched him stride away, she couldn't help but sigh. "Such a handsome boy. It's a shame he's not right in the head."

Meanwhile, in the Headmaster's Office.

Logan stood by the window, looking out at the grounds.

Charles sat in his usual armchair. "Keep a close eye on the new student, Alan," he said calmly. "He's mentally unstable, but his abilities are quite impressive."

"I'm watching him right now," Logan replied casually. Alan was the only one on campus wearing a hospital gown; he was hard to miss.

"What is he doing?" Charles asked.

"Going through the trash."

"…" Charles sighed. What else could he expect from a madman? As long as he didn't blow up the school that Charles had poured his heart and soul into building, it was fine.

"What are you going to do about S.H.I.E.L.D.'s request?" Logan asked, a cigar clamped between his teeth. Born in 1832, he was much older than he looked, thanks to his slowed aging and regenerative abilities. Having lived through the Civil War and both World Wars, he had inevitably attracted attention. He maintained a connection with S.H.I.E.L.D. to avoid unnecessary trouble from the many factions who coveted his longevity.

"I've already sent an X-Men team to Egypt to investigate," Charles said, his voice heavy. "If it's confirmed to be mutant-related, I will lead the X-Men to handle it. If not, they can solve it themselves." Charles clearly had a history with S.H.I.E.L.D., and it wasn't a pleasant one. He had once tried to work with them to secure rights for mutants, but the collaboration had ended badly.... "Alright, I'll pass that along." Logan himself only dealt with S.H.I.E.L.D. when he needed something from them. The organization was a complex mess of government and corporate interests. At this point in time, Nick Fury, the man who would eventually lead S.H.I.E.L.D. to true independence, was probably still in the academy. To make matters worse, HYDRA was deeply embedded within its ranks, stirring up internal conflict to further its own goals.

The next morning, the four misfits of Dorm 404 set up a stall on the athletic field.

"Do you think anyone will actually buy this?" Wade asked, his hands never stopping as he shoveled potstickers into his mouth with a pair of chopsticks.

"Don't worry, my cooking skills are top-notch," Alan said confidently, though he was wincing internally. Wade had already eaten twenty potstickers, a full two servings. "Could you maybe stop eating for one second?"

Wade pulled down his mask, adjusted his pink wig, and patted his stomach contentedly. "One question," he said, pointing to the ridiculous wig. "Why do I have to dress like this?"

"Wow, you look so handsome! Customers will see you and immediately get an appetite," Alan declared with utter conviction. "I almost fell in love with you myself."

"Really?" Wade looked at Quicksilver and Nightcrawler, who both nodded in unison.

"Damn it, I'm warning you, don't you dare fall in love with me," Wade said, flipping his pink hair with a newfound confidence. "You're too ugly for me."

"That hurts," Alan clutched his chest, his voice filled with sorrow. "I feel like an innocent maiden who thought she'd found her one true love, only to have her heart played with and then be cast aside. I'll never love again. I can't love again."

"Alright, alright," Wade sighed, throwing his hands up in defeat. "You're allowed to love me, but you're not allowed to… you know… with me."

"Whoa, why would you even think that? Amitabha," Alan said, his expression suddenly pious and serene.

Pietro and Kurt just stood there, completely unable to get a word in. The two of them were on a whole other level of insanity.

"Excuse me, what are you selling?"

A red-haired girl with a tall, curvaceous figure and a sweet, slightly baby-faced look approached their stall. She had the friendly, approachable air of the girl next door. It was Jean Grey, one of the school's X-Men.

"Congratulations, beautiful lady! You're our ten-thousandth customer today! You get a free serving of potstickers!" Alan held out a packed container to her.

Jean hesitated. Ten-thousandth customer? She had just watched them set up their stall. It was a bald-faced lie. But still, free food was free food.

Just as Jean reached out to take it, Alan snatched it back and sprinted off. He had spotted Magik walking across the field.

"My Little Magik! Look what I made for you for breakfast!" Alan presented the potstickers to her with a flourish, his eyes blinking with sincere adoration.

"I don't need it, thank you," Illyana said, trying to politely refuse. He's latched onto me again, she thought with a sigh. Ellie, beside her, looked disgusted, clearly doubting that a mental patient could cook anything edible.

"I'll take it for her," Yukio said with a smile.

"You can have it with vinegar, chili sauce, or sweet sauce. Mix and match. I have to get back to work now," Alan said. He flicked his hair back. "A man is most attractive when he's focused. Try not to fall for me."

As he walked away, the three girls stared after him, completely bewildered.

Yukio took a bite. "Wow," she said, surprised. "This is actually really good."

"Let me try." Ellie speared one with a fork and popped it into her mouth. "I can't believe a mental patient can cook," she said, equally impressed. They both looked at Illyana, urging her to try one. Under their expectant gazes, she finally took one. "It's average," she said stubbornly.

"If you don't like it, I'll take the rest!" Yukio said happily, quickening her pace.

"I haven't had breakfast yet! Leave some for me!"

"He gave them to me! Don't even think about eating them all!"

Alan returned to the stall to find Jean Grey looking utterly dejected. The free breakfast that should have been hers had been given away right in front of her.

"I'm sorry, customer," Alan said apologetically. "You're no longer eligible for the free offer. But you can enjoy our first-customer half-price discount. Only one dollar."

"I don't need it anymore," Jean said, her face dark as she turned and walked away.

"You're in for it now," Wade said with glee. "That was Jean Grey."

"Just the Phoenix. What's so scary about that?" Alan said calmly, then his expression turned to one of horror. "Wait, does she have a dark personality?"

The three of them nodded. It was no secret at the school. The last time Jean's dark side had emerged, the incident had made the national news. If it weren't for Charles and S.H.I.E.L.D. stepping in, she would probably be a wanted fugitive. Luckily, she hadn't fully transformed into the Dark Phoenix, or even Charles's psychic powers might not have been enough to suppress her.

Alan clenched his fist. "With my charming personality," he said with a sly grin, "how could I not win over a gothically confused teenage girl?"

Unsurprisingly, their first day of business was a roaring success. They sold out of potstickers completely.

The matter, of course, did not escape Charles's notice. The cafeteria staff had reported a large quantity of missing supplies first thing in the morning. Combined with the breakfast stall on the athletic field, the answer was obvious.

"First time trying an Eastern-style breakfast. It's not bad," Charles said, happily eating the potstickers and experimenting with the different sauces. He'd had one of the older students buy him a couple of servings. A wave of regret washed over him. He shouldn't have enrolled Alan as a student; he should have hired him to work in the cafeteria.

"Not bad at all," Logan agreed, munching on his own portion. The roast goose had been even better, he thought to himself. He had ended up eating the rest of it himself and had never told Charles the truth. The Professor was very fond of the swans he kept in the lake.

(End of Chapter)

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