DC/Marvel: This Guy is Insane

Chapter 106: Chapter 106: I'm Not a Good Guy



Beast pushed the door open. "Professor," he announced, "the X-Men are ready."

Charles and Logan quickly finished their potstickers and headed for the hangar that housed the X-Jet. The reconnaissance team they had dispatched had gone dark, a sure sign of serious trouble, forcing them to mobilize the full team for support. The intel they'd received confirmed it: they were dealing with a mutant-related incident. A very ancient mutant, in fact—one who had been alive for thousands of years. It was a situation that demanded their utmost attention. Charles hoped to recruit the ancient mutant into the X-Men.

The ceiling of the hangar split open, and a cloaked jet ascended into the sky. The roar of its engines caught the attention of the students below, who knew that the X-Men were heading out on a mission. In their absence, Colossus and the reserve X-Men students were in charge of school security.

Hiding in the woods and counting their earnings, the four misfits looked up at the sky.

"They left without you guys?" Alan asked, confused. "Aren't you X-Men?"

"Kurt and I are just reserve members," Pietro explained. The official X-Men were chosen from the upperclassmen and graduates, and not all reserve members made the final cut. Many graduates, disillusioned, ended up joining the Hellfire Club or the Brotherhood of Mutants. Once they graduated, Charles no longer had any authority over their decisions, which was why conflicts between the different mutant factions were often handled with a certain degree of restraint.

"Forget about them. Let's get back to divvying up the loot," Alan said.

He divided the pile of change into three portions. The first was to repay the school for the "borrowed" ingredients and equipment. The second was seed money to buy their own cooking supplies. The third was finally their profit. After splitting it four ways, they each got fifty dollars—a respectable haul.

"A successful opening day! We should celebrate," Alan declared, clutching his handful of cash with the sudden urge to spend it all at once.

"I'm ready to spend it right now!" Wade chimed in eagerly. "I've had my eye on a pink unicorn plushie." It was no wonder he was always broke.

Pietro and Kurt, however, quietly pocketed their share. It was their first real earning, and they weren't about to waste it.

"No, I was thinking about stewed goose," Alan clarified, his eyes gleaming. "I can't stop thinking about those swans in the lake. I won't be satisfied until I've eaten every last one of them."

"Is it as good as the roasted goose?" Wade asked, intrigued.

"Absolutely, my friend," Alan said with confidence.

WHOOSH!

A piercing sound tore through the sky. They looked up and saw a missile streaking through the air.

BOOM!

An explosion rocked the school grounds. From the other direction, a swarm of helicopters descended.

"Holy crap! Who's crazy enough to attack a school for mutants? Don't they know it's under my protection?" Alan took off at a full sprint towards the school, shouting, "You dare touch my wifey?! I'll beat you until you have a hormonal imbalance and cognitive dysfunction!"

A thick cloud of smoke was already billowing across the school grounds. Anyone who inhaled it collapsed within seconds. Soldiers in full hazmat gear rappelled down from the helicopters, dragging specialized stasis pods behind them. They began stuffing the unconscious students into the pods and hauling them away.

Kurt teleported the group back to the school, but as they materialized, they inadvertently breathed in the gas and collapsed.

"Don't breathe!" Wade shouted, but it was too late. Quicksilver was already on the ground. Only Alan, who had pinched his nose shut, remained standing, his eyes frantically scanning for Magik.

Wade's healing factor was so powerful that he was immune to the toxin.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

The soldiers who were rounding up the students immediately opened fire on him, riddling his body with bullets.

Seeing this, Alan had already vanished, cloaking himself from view.

"Damn it!" A furious Colossus prepared to fight back, but one of the helicopters, clearly prepared for him, dropped a giant magnetic disc. With a loud CLANG, Colossus was pulled irresistibly towards it. As the helicopter ascended, he was left dangling helplessly in the air, shouting in frustration.

"Team One, clear!"

"Team Two, clear!"

"Team Three, clear!"

Row after row of helicopters, each carrying a stasis pod, lifted off, retreating with their captured students.

Alan quickly scanned the school but saw no sign of Magik or her friends. Once the enemy had left, he reappeared beside Wade's mangled, slowly regenerating form. By now, the gas had mostly dissipated.

"I think this was a conspiracy," Wade chattered, his body already knitting itself back together. "We should form our own superhero team and rescue the students."

"How about the Dashingly Handsome Squad?" Alan suggested. "I'll be Dashingly, you can be Handsome."

"That's terrible. How about X-Force?" Wade countered.

"Holy crap, don't make your DC ripoff so obvious," Alan said with a straight face. "How about the Logical Organization for Civil Emergencies and Reactive Disorder Intervention and Event Neutralization, or L.O.C.O. for short?"

"The name isn't the important part! How are we going to rescue them?" Wade brought them back to the point. They could argue about the name all day.

"We don't even know who the enemy is," Alan said, sitting down next to Wade's still-recovering body. "The X-Men leave, and the school immediately gets attacked. This was obviously a planned operation with government backing. This is going to be tricky." The timing was too perfect to be a coincidence. The enemy had clearly lured the X-Men away and then struck, fully prepared for the mutants' abilities. The soldiers' immediate, reflexive reaction to shoot Wade on sight proved they had been trained for this.

"So what do we do?" Wade asked, worried. "By the time the Professor gets back, the students could all be dead."

"I'll just ask someone," Alan said calmly.

"Ask who?" Wade didn't think this guy had any respectable friends.

"S.H.I.E.L.D."

As expected, Wade thought Alan had completely lost his mind.

Just then, a spatial rift opened, and Illyana, her face covered in blood and grime, stepped out.

"My Little Magik!" Alan rushed forward, full of concern. "I was so worried about you! I thought you'd been blown to bits! I was about to kill myself to join you in the afterlife!"

Illyana shot him a look. She had almost been blown to bits. The missile had hit her classroom directly. In the split second before the shockwave hit, she had teleported to Limbo. Ellie's powers had likely protected the other students. But Illyana had been near the window and had taken the brunt of the blast.

"Do you know where S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters is?" Alan asked. His official status as a S.H.I.E.L.D. weapons expert was finally about to come in handy. Whether it would actually be useful was another question entirely.

"What are you planning to do?" Illyana asked cautiously. It was common knowledge that S.H.I.E.L.D. viewed mutants as a threat. As a mutant herself, she had no desire to interact with them.

"I'm going to ask them who took our friends."

"…"

New York City. The S.H.I.E.L.D. Triskelion.

Across the street from the massive administrative building was a small coffee shop. Alan, Wade, and Illyana sat at a table, watching people come and go.

"Don't go in there. Don't do anything stupid," Illyana pleaded.

"You care about me! I'm so touched!" Alan swooned. "I want to have your babies."

"…" Illyana pressed her fingers to her forehead. She had wasted her breath.

"Don't get yourself captured the second you walk in, little lunatic," Wade mocked. "We're not coming to save you."

"Just watch me, big psycho," Alan said haughtily. He stood up, strode out of the coffee shop, and marched directly towards the building across the street.

Wade and Illyana watched him swagger into the S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. They failed to notice that every other customer and employee in the coffee shop had just pulled out a weapon and aimed it at them. This was S.H.I.E.L.D.'s turf. They weren't about to let potential threats sit right on their doorstep.

When Wade and Illyana finally looked away from the building, they found themselves surrounded. They both immediately raised their hands in surrender. Illyana tried to teleport away, but her magic fizzled. A magic-dampening field. S.H.I.E.L.D.'s Division 13, the department for magical research, was clearly prepared.

Alan walked into the lobby. A young woman in a professional suit sat at the front desk, touching up her makeup. She glanced at Alan's hospital gown, her expression dismissive, and tossed a form onto the desk. "Fill this out," she said flatly.

She doesn't know I can't read English, Alan thought.

He ignored the form, leaned in close, and whispered, "Hail Hydra."

"What!?" The receptionist froze, thinking she'd misheard.

"Hail Hydra," Alan repeated, tugging at the collar of his gown. "I'm Captain Hydra."

"Ahhh!!!" The receptionist dropped her eyeliner and mirror and scrambled away, her high heels making her run like a panicked crab. A madman claiming to be Captain Hydra in the middle of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters? He was probably going to stab her.

"What's her problem? Is she always this excited to meet her idol?" Alan wondered, watching her flee.

He sat down on a couch in the lobby. A moment later, a bald, middle-aged man in a suit walked in and headed for the elevator, swiping his ID card. Just as the doors were about to close, a hand shot out and stopped them.

Alan stepped into the elevator and casually pressed a random floor button. The bald man shot him a disgusted look, clearly thinking he was an escaped patient from a nearby hospital.

Alan leaned in close again. "Hail Hydra," he whispered.

"Huh?" The man's entire body tensed. He stumbled backwards and huddled in the corner of the elevator, trembling.

Alan patted his shoulder comfortingly. "Don't be scared," he said with a grin. "I'm not a good guy, you know."

Yes, the man thought, his eyes wide with terror. I can see that.

(End of Chapter)

***

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