Delusive Fate

#046

Ugh, damn it. This is getting tiresome.

I opened my eyes, weary. It’s my own fault for being stupid, who else can I blame? I should never have been lenient from the start.

No matter how the previous Ki Baek-woos tormented me, or how much I wanted to kill them, it was a mistake to think I should just let it slide since the current Ki Baek-woo is in a clueless, stupid state.

There’s no point in getting angry about how much suffering I’m going through because of him, since this Ki Baek-woo is too dumb to understand anyway. So I thought I’d just gloss over it. Instead of wasting time arguing with someone who doesn’t understand, it would be better to find my freedom as soon as possible. That’s where I went wrong by being kind and dealing with him moderately.

By going along with him half-heartedly, this arrogant bastard must have thought he could take me lightly again. He must have gotten the courage to make this mess because he’s treating me like an easy target.

I should have thrown a fit from the beginning. Since it’s come to this, I should have shown him what a real madman looks like and subdued Ki Baek-woo from the start. If I had done that, this bastard wouldn’t have dared to cling to me. He might have run away to Jung Yi-dam’s house out of fear of living with a psychopath. Then I wouldn’t have had to engage in this wasteful and meaningless squabble, and I could have enjoyed my liberation earlier.

Yeah, yeah. It’s all my fault. It’s entirely my mistake, and I’m the fool, the idiot, the moron who’s holding myself back. Despite all my experiences with Ki Baek-woo, I still have a soft spot, and Lee Han-sol, who didn’t crush that bastard’s spirit earlier, is the root of all evil.

Ha.

I sighed involuntarily out of frustration. I was completely fed up with this situation. Why is Ki Baek-woo acting like this? What does the system want from me? How can I vent my anger on Ki Baek-woo more effectively? I didn’t even want to think about these things anymore. The prolonged standoff was giving me a headache.

Ah, forget it. I don’t know anymore. Damn it, I’ll just live saying whatever random things come to mind.

If the system and Ki Baek-woo are doing whatever they want, why can’t I act thoughtlessly too? Just go away, all of you. Everything, this and that, all of it, just go to hell. Let everything happen as it may.

I grabbed Ki Baek-woo’s shoulders with both hands. I felt him flinch and shrink. Not giving a damn, I spoke recklessly:

“Ki Baek-woo. Hyung doesn’t care whether you kissed or had sex with someone else, or why you did such things.”

“Hyung.”

“I’m not at all curious about whether it was incredibly good or whatever. It’s not surprising. So, your thing with someone else-“

“N-no. Hyung, don’t. It does matter, please don’t-“

“Shut up. I’ll kill you if you interrupt. So, so… where was I? Ah, right. So, don’t try to explain in detail whether you rubbed lips or rubbed genitals with Jung Yi-dam. Why should I know about that crap?”

“Hyung, I, that’s not… I want you to know, to understand the situation then-“

“I told you I don’t want to know. How many times do I have to say it? I. Don’t. Want. To. Know! And unless you’re planning to crush me to death, could you please move your body off me now? You’re really fucking heavy…”

I’m about to go crazy from suffocation and irritation. Do you know how hot you are? I’m already getting a headache from anger, and with your body clinging to me, I feel like I’m being boiled alive.

Ki Baek-woo momentarily held his breath at my irritated voice. He hesitated for a long time, unable to move either way with a stiff body, seemingly quite confused by each of my words. Whatever.

“If you don’t get off right now, I’ll really kill you.”

Only after hearing those words did Ki Baek-woo reluctantly start to get up. His reluctant movements showed hesitation and fear. Ki Baek-woo, dawdling, hung his head limply. As if he couldn’t bear to look at my face. His cheek and jaw, barely visible, were as pale as a corpse.

This behavior of Ki Baek-woo was a first, and so was his complexion. He didn’t look like this even when I was being chewed to death by a Destruction right in front of him. I smirked indifferently. Ki Baek-woo visibly shuddered.

Huu, huu, huu. Ki Baek-woo’s breathing gradually became faster and irregular. As if he was hyperventilating. He seemed to be trying to suppress his breathing as much as possible so as not to disturb me, but his audible wheezing was unstable. I didn’t feel any pity or sorry for him at all, and I wondered if this bastard Ki Baek-woo had secretly been taking acting classes. His pale, panting appearance would make anyone think he really couldn’t live without me.

“Hurry up and move. Are you a turtle? What are you waiting for, the changing of the seasons?”

I kicked the solar plexus area of Ki Baek-woo, who was dawdling on top of me. Huu, huuu, huk. Ki Baek-woo’s breathing became rougher as he was pushed back like an idiot and fell to the floor with a thud.

What the hell, you moron.

“Hey, don’t overreact. Someone might think I gave you a soccer kick or something. It’s an exaggeration for just a little push… And I’m the one who should be shocked right now. You’re the one who did weird things behind my back, so why are you acting like this? Are you the victim now? If you were going to be like this, you shouldn’t have done those things in the first place.”

“N-no. It’s not, huk, like that… Hyung.”

Ki Baek-woo startled and quickly got up. I felt like a thug bullying an innocent, powerless citizen. Wet spots appeared on the floor in front of Ki Baek-woo’s kneeling knees, drip, drip.

What an impressive faucet. Your tears never dry up. This is ridiculous, just ridiculous. Fine, damn it, I’m the bad guy. Lee Han-sol is the worst scoundrel in the world.

Completely fed up, I spoke without hesitation:

“Hey, Baek-woo. Just get out. Hyung doesn’t have the confidence to live in the same house with you right now. If you have any conscience, go stay somewhere else for a while.”

“Leave? Hyung, where should I, no, I can’t, I won’t do it again, if I do that-“

Ki Baek-woo wiped his damp face with the back of his hand and started begging again, clasping his hands. His act of pretending to have nowhere to go while making a big fuss was just disgusting.

It’s true that there aren’t many decent accommodations in A-zone due to gate issues, but it’s not like there are no places called hotels at all. Well, if he doesn’t like those shabby hotels, he could live in the dormitory of the center where Jung Yi-dam lives. Or he could even buy a new house right away. It was pathetic to the point of being unbearable to see someone with lots of money and plenty of places to go whining like this.

“Just go. Go out and don’t come back until I move out. My heart is fucking torn to pieces because of you. You know? I trusted you so much, how could you betray me like this… Ha, hyung needs time to recover alone too.”

“H-hyung. I’m sorry, I really won’t do it again. Huk, hyung…”

Even though I told him to leave, Ki Baek-woo continued to kneel there, panting. He seemed to think he was some kind of tragic heroine or something. At this rate, if I yelled at him to get out right now, he looked ready to throw himself into the Han River like Sim Soon-ae clinging to Lee Soo-il.

What an exaggeration. Someone might think I told him to go die. It’s really unbelievable.

“You don’t want to leave? Why don’t you want to leave?”

“Hyung, I was wrong. But if we’re even a little, even a little apart, if we keep drifting apart like this… If you never want to see me again… I’m sorry, I don’t think I can handle that. Just hit me instead. Okay? Hyung, you can hit me until you feel better. Please…”

“Baek-woo, why are you being so overly emotional? To be honest, hyung thinks this way. Baek-woo, you could easily do that with someone else. Of course, it’s also true that it’s the kind of betrayal only scumbags would do, and it’s a dirty, crappy, terrible thing to do… but honestly, the act itself isn’t strange.”

“No, why isn’t it strange, hyung, wait-“

“Why would it be strange? It’s not like we’re really one person. You could easily have your eye caught by someone else. Did you really think being together forever and all that was actually possible? Come on, that was just something people say. What can’t you say when caught up in the moment? And you weren’t serious either, right? How could a person live their whole life looking at only one person? Right?”

“…What?”

“We’re originally strangers, aren’t we? Baek-woo, you’re an adult, you shouldn’t cling to and depend on others like this. You need to be able to manage well on your own. Yeah, right? Ah, of course, you do have another man besides me. I mean Jung Yi-dam.”

I spoke randomly, saying whatever came to mind. I intended to continue until Ki Baek-woo left, and my tone was endlessly light. Somehow, I felt like my mood was improving as I rambled on like this.

“To be honest… if I had known you were such a fickle lover, I wouldn’t have started this in the first place. Doing things with others behind my back… that’s what sluts do, isn’t it? Besides the betrayal, honestly, it’s a bit… disgusting.”

Is that too harsh? Sorry, but you’re the one who did wrong. So, Baek-woo, you should understand me, okay?

“……”

“But the reason I’m saying all this is because of you… If you had behaved properly, hyung wouldn’t have to do this. This is hard for me too.”

Ki Baek-woo was silently shedding large teardrops, like a character from a children’s animation. His blank, stupid gaze met mine. Ki Baek-woo looked infinitely fragile, like a piece of tissue soaked in water. I felt frighteningly little sympathy. My heart was cold to the point of emptiness.

“…Hyung.”

“Yeah?”

“Can I… ask just one thing…?”

Ki Baek-woo asked in a barely audible voice. I smiled generously.

“If… if I do well from now on… if I listen well, and never lie again… if I really treat you well…”

Later, even much later, will I have another chance with you? Can we go back to how we were…?

Ki Baek-woo whispered in a trembling voice, as if terrified. This time, I laughed sincerely. As if there would be any chance.

I’ll already be dead before later even comes. Because of you, Ki Baek-woo.

Ki Baek-woo weakly looked at me laughing without answering. With a vague gaze as if floating outside reality, he rubbed his face dry, and only then slowly got up. He walked unsteadily. His tall, lanky body stumbling looked pathetic as hell.

Ki Baek-woo soon opened the bedroom door. His miserable footsteps crossed the threshold. Click, the door closed quietly.

***

The next day after that incident, when I opened the bedroom door and went out, a really funny scene was unfolding.

“What the hell?”