Delusive Fate

#050

Of course, I know. No matter how many times I trample on Ki Baek-woo or torment him in various ways, he won’t suffer as much as I have. No matter what I do, he won’t even learn a twenty-fifth of the pain I know. There’s a fundamental difference between Ki Baek-woo and me.

Ki Baek-woo doesn’t love me.

Humans are cold and selfish animals. There’s a reason they’re called bastards. The hearts of self-centered bastards can never be hurt by something they don’t love. Annoyance and heartbreak are completely different. For this reason, Ki Baek-woo will never know my pain. Unless Jung Yi-dam dies in front of him. But this world is for Jung Yi-dam, and pathetic deaths are for people like me, so that won’t happen either.

I wasn’t asking for much. I never dreamed of something grand like revenge. Only those with strength left do such things. Even The Bride in Kill Bill still had the strength of the dying because she hadn’t died yet, so she could swing her sword around like that. I’ve already used up all my milk-drinking strength in my previous life, and I’ve exhausted my dying strength from dying too many times. I’m just like a jellyfish on land. Weak and helpless, just drifting along.

All I wanted was just a tiny bit of pain for Ki Baek-woo. For his days to become a little more miserable. And hopefully, for him to become someone who wishes tomorrow wouldn’t come. Amen.

With this mindset, I despised Ki Baek-woo at every opportunity. Let whatever happens happen! I’m going to move out anyway. I’ll just enjoy it moderately and leave when it’s time! Hahahahaha! That was all I thought. I admit it. It’s practically the same as not thinking at all.

With an empty head, I went all out. I often blurted out things like this:

“Hey, Baek-woo. Why do you keep hovering around? Bored? If you’re bored, why don’t you contact the guy whose lips you rubbed?”

“Baek-woo, what’s with your face? Tired? Exhausted? If you’re so tired you want to quit everything, instead of wandering around with that haggard face, why don’t you go ask for comfort from the guy whose lips you rubbed?”

“Baek-woo, am I a zoo monkey? Why are you lurking in the corner of the living room all day, glancing at me? The gates must be quiet these days… you don’t seem to think about going out at all… Hmm, but if you want to kiss someone, shouldn’t you go out? Why aren’t you leaving?”

If I were Ki Baek-woo, I would have stabbed Lee Han-sol’s stomach twelve times with a knife while he was sleeping long ago. Even I thought I was being really annoying.

The amazing thing is that Ki Baek-woo is still enduring. Ki Baek-woo’s face was getting worse day by day, and I could see him struggling not to collapse like a corpse every time I threw a fit. Yet he didn’t seem to have any intention of leaving this house or quitting his slave act.

So I had no intention of stopping either.

As I was thinking about these things, I heard Ki Baek-woo’s voice.

“Hyung, the ramen is ready. Do you want to eat in the living room?”

It seemed the ramen I had asked for, extremely spicy with egg stirred in, was ready. Nice. “Love is War” wasn’t on, and I was bored, so this was an interesting development. I turned to look at Ki Baek-woo, feeling a bit excited.

Ki Baek-woo was standing quietly in an awkward spot, holding a yellow pot in his left hand and a polka-dot rice bowl and chopsticks in his right. I crossed my legs, which had been spread wide, and beckoned to him with my index finger. Come here. Ki Baek-woo scurried over.

“Did you cook it well?”

“Yes, with egg and very spicy. Manly, like you, hyung.”

What nonsense. After looking Ki Baek-woo up and down as he sucked up to me, I glanced into the pot.

“Baek-woo.”

When I called him kindly, Ki Baek-woo dutifully replied, “Yes, hyung.” His voice was tinged with fatigue. I didn’t care about that, and I smiled kindly as I asked:

“Baek-woo… are you protesting against hyung?”

“…Huh?”

“How many years have you lived with hyung, and you still don’t know my preferences? Or are you doing this on purpose?”

Ki Baek-woo let out a small “Ah” and lowered his eyes without saying much. It was a calm reaction, as if he had expected it. The shadows of his eyelashes fell long and dark beneath Ki Baek-woo’s reddish eyes, which were growing darker day by day. I laughed inwardly, gek gek gek, looking at Ki Baek-woo’s pathetic appearance that I had become familiar with over the past few days. It’s always a pleasing sight. The idiotic look of a disappointed and discouraged Ki Baek-woo.

In my past life, I couldn’t understand why people treated me so badly. I couldn’t comprehend and was disgusted and scared by those who were desperate to insult me using Ki Baek-woo as an excuse, even though they didn’t know me. Eventually, I gave up trying to understand and just accepted it. No one ever told me the reason.

I didn’t expect to understand that dusty question now. If people felt this kind of fun when picking on me, I have to admit it. Because I can’t stop either. Hahaha!

I giggled inwardly, then stretched my eyebrows into a frown as if I was heartbroken and disappointed.

“Baek-woo, didn’t you know hyung doesn’t eat ramen with egg? No… you knew, didn’t you? Then why…”

“……”

“Ah, I see.”

Ki Baek-woo slightly bit his lips, which not only hadn’t healed but were getting more wounded day by day. His face might seem calm at a glance, but he can’t fool my eyes. Ki Baek-woo was already disheartened. Yeah, even goldfish have a three-month memory, and Ki Baek-woo is human after all. He must be anticipating what I’m going to say next.

As a kind hyung, I can’t betray my dongsaeng’s expectations. So I said sadly:

“This must be that person’s preference. Did Jung Yi-dam like this? Is that why you got confused?”

“…It’s not like that, hyung. I’ve never eaten ramen with that person. Of course, I don’t know their preferences…”

“Ah, so you only ate good things with that person. Cutting steak, drinking wine… setting the mood? And you just make this kind of thing for hyung.”

“No. We… I’ve never eaten a meal alone with that person. Really.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes…”

After watching Ki Baek-woo standing motionless and answering slowly, I turned my head back towards the TV. I rested my chin on my arm leaning on the sofa backrest to hide my face contorted from holding back laughter. What an idiot, going on and on. I don’t believe any of it anyway. I said, sneering inwardly:

“Okay. I understand.”

“…Yes, I’m sorry.”

“Just deal with the ramen yourself. Don’t waste it, though.”

Ki Baek-woo, muttering “Yes, sorry” as if reciting, quietly returned to the kitchen.

Hehehe. Kehehek. Pukukekkukkehehik. I tried hard to hold back the bursting laughter and soon got up. I turned off the TV and glanced at the kitchen as I entered the bedroom. Ki Baek-woo was forcing the ramen into his mouth as I had told him to. His complexion was pale.

I wonder how shitty that bastard feels right now. I clearly know he can’t eat anything these days. He can’t handle spicy food anyway, and now he’s forcing that down on an empty stomach, so he’ll be in quite a bit of pain all night.

Whatever.

I didn’t feel the least bit sorry for Ki Baek-woo. Not at all, even if he can’t sleep, can’t eat, or often secretly staggers and barely breathes.

What a weakling. Just because of that?

Only a sneer escaped my lips.

If you don’t like it, just leave.

It was Ki Baek-woo himself who was enduring.

***

It didn’t take long for things to blow up.

Today’s dinner menu was sujebi (hand-torn noodle soup). Ki Baek-woo’s homemade sujebi. Of course, I selected the menu, and the slave faithfully followed the master’s words, kneading the flour dough.

The sujebi was delicious. I was eating enthusiastically when I glanced across the table. It had become a habit lately. Checking Ki Baek-woo’s rice bowl. Not to take his food, and not to compete in eating quickly out of pride in eating. Obviously, I wasn’t worried either. I was just curious. Let’s see how long this bastard can hold out without eating.

Ki Baek-woo hadn’t been putting anything in his mouth lately. He pretended to eat by fiddling with his spoon, but his bowl, which he only stirred around without the amount decreasing, was telling. For a day or two, he had managed to force down a spoonful or two, but now he wasn’t even doing that.

Why isn’t he eating? Is he trying to become a dog beyond being a slave? Does he want me to say ‘Eat!’ before he’ll eat? It’s the same now.

My bowl of sujebi was already half empty, but Ki Baek-woo’s bowl of sujebi in his rice bowl was hardly different from when we started. Ki Baek-woo would pick up a piece of sujebi, put it down, repeating the obligatory and empty gesture. If I were an old-fashioned geezer, I would have thrown the spoon at him long ago for playing with his food.

If he’s going to be like this, he should just cook and leave. Ki Baek-woo stubbornly sits in front of me at every meal, scooping up food he’s not going to eat. Of course, it’s convenient that he quickly refills dishes I eat well and removes menus I don’t touch at all.

But I’d much prefer not to see Ki Baek-woo at all than have such service. Especially Ki Baek-woo stirring his rice bowl with a sickly appearance like he’s on his last legs, I wish he wouldn’t catch my eye.

As I chewed on a plump piece of sujebi, I moved my gaze a little higher. This time, instead of Ki Baek-woo’s rice bowl, I looked at Ki Baek-woo’s face with disgust. Ki Baek-woo had a pathetic look on his face, slightly zoned out. His usually clear and sharp eyes were loosely unfocused. His dreamy gaze was directed forward. I couldn’t tell if he was looking at me or just spacing out.

“Baek-woo.”

I was about to say, ‘If you’re going to pick at your food, just leave. It’s ruining my appetite.’

What’s that?