Delusive Fate

#054

“I have a nosebleed.”

“A nosebleed?”

“Blood was gushing out. From both nostrils.”

“Ah… Has it stopped bleeding?”

“I don’t know, it’s not my nose. I’ve just stuffed tissue into the nostrils for now.”

“I see… So, what kind of medicine are you looking for…?”

I thought all pharmacists were smart, but apparently not this one.

Compared to District B, District A had half the population, but the downtown area was still bustling. Everywhere I looked, there were those damn guys I hated. At least Ki Baek-woo was good-looking. After pushing through a crowd of ugly, unpleasant guys, I arrived at the pharmacy. While I was earnestly explaining Ki Baek-woo’s symptoms, this pharmacist, who seemed a bit slow, kept asking me what medicine I needed.

“If I knew what medicine to take in this situation, I wouldn’t have bothered explaining the symptoms. Just give me something appropriate.”

“Ah… I see…” The pharmacist looked me up and down as if I were some kind of maggot, then asked again with a thick expression, “Is there anything else you need…?”

“He’s not eating.”

“Pardon? Are you saying he can’t eat well because his stomach is upset…?”

“I don’t know about his stomach, but he’s not eating anything, and if he does, he throws up.”

“What?”

“Do you have any medicine that makes you want to eat like crazy?”

“Um… Well… Should I just find some medication for you based on that?”

“Yes. And give me some sleeping pills and headache medicine too. Oh, and do you have any medicine that can make a crazy person come to their senses? If you do, give me all the different types.”

The pharmacist went back and forth, rummaging for medicines, then hesitated. He glanced at me again as if I were a maggot and forced a smile. It was an irritating expression that made me want to punch him in the face right then and there.

“For psychiatric medications, you need a prescription… There’s a psychiatry clinic across the street from our building, maybe you should try visiting there…”

His tone had become gentler compared to the beginning, as if he was trying to coax and persuade a strange person who didn’t understand to leave. I got the feeling. This bastard thinks I’m the crazy one who needs to take medicine and come to my senses. Although I usually think of myself as crazy, it felt shitty to be treated like a mental patient by someone who doesn’t even know me.

Ki Baek-woo is indeed a bastard. If that jerk had just normally disappeared chasing after Jung Yi-dam’s ass, I wouldn’t have to be treated like a lunatic by this ugly guy here. No matter how I think about it, excluding the system, it seems like Ki Baek-woo is the cause of all the shitty things in this world.

“This is a stomach protector… Take it before meals when you have trouble eating due to an upset stomach. This is a digestive aid, take it after meals to help with the vomiting… This is a nasal ointment, apply it to the nasal mucosa after the nosebleed stops, it should help… And this is…”

The total comes to 35,900 won. I’ll take your card, thank you, have a nice day.

Bzz, bzz. My phone kept vibrating non-stop. They were all calls or messages from Kim Jin-oh and Ham Yun-ah.

Kim Jin-oh:

[Hey, why the fuck did you only talk to Ham Yun-ah and hang up? You wanna die? Are you sick?]

[Did you catch something? Is it contagious?]

[Ah, you’re ignoring me again]

[Hey]

[Hey, I asked if you’re sick, are you terminally ill???????? You fucking rude bastard, you reply to Ham Yun-ah’s messages but ignore mine???????]

[You son of a bitch]

Ham Yun-ah:

[They say vitamin and iron supplements are good for nosebleeds. What’s your address again, Han-sol?]

[I met Kim Jin-oh and Hee-ju outside today, they were selling vitamins at the drugstore]

[You wouldn’t meet up if I asked, right?]

[Hehe… I’ll send you a package, let’s meet at the gate]

Seo Hee-ju:

[(Photo)]

[Oppa, you like Meong, right? Meong has a girlfriend now, her name is Princess]

[(Photo)]

[Wow, Miyao is amazing ㅠㅠㅠ She suddenly appeared at the center last week, kinda looks like you]

It seemed like the three of them were up to some mischief about me. Were they betting on who would get a reply first? They’re all acting crazy together.

On the bus back home, I didn’t properly check the pile of trivial messages and switched my phone to silent mode. I shoved the device roughly into my pocket and rested my chin on the bus window. The city scenery, suddenly unfamiliar, was passing by quickly as if blurring.

It was bright when I left, but the sun was already setting. I hadn’t even been out that long, just to the pharmacy. Maybe it’s because the weather has gotten chilly. Or maybe the sun always sets around this time…

I’m not sure. When I’m just staying at home, I don’t know if it’s cold or hot, or if the sun sets early or not. Actually, I don’t want to know. That’s not what I want.

To know everything, yet enjoy the world happily and vigorously like the ignorant fools on the street. To wander through bustling streets brushing shoulders with strangers, eating trendy food, grooming my outer shell to look presentable, laughing and chatting pleasantly with people who are probably looking down on me inside.

If I hadn’t been entangled with the despicable system and the messed-up Ki Baek-woo, if I weren’t Lee Han-sol but that annoying pharmacist I just met or the pathetic Kim Jin-oh, I might have enjoyed such an ordinary daily life. I don’t want any of that, not even a bit. My dream is just to rest.

I wanted to throw away everything – Ki Baek-woo, Jung Yi-dam, predetermined fate, all of it – and just rest quietly alone. In my own space where no one would look for me, not knowing how time passes, with an empty mind. Until the damn system inevitably comes up with an outrageous and miserable method to kill me again. And this time, I was sure I could achieve that dream.

Even though I had been abandoned and left alone for a long time, doing absolutely nothing productive and just killing time cooped up at home, the reason I couldn’t achieve that dream was, of course, because of Ki Baek-woo. Everything bad for me is because of Ki Baek-woo.

The problem until now was that Ki Baek-woo was in my heart. I always thought about Ki Baek-woo. Even when I didn’t want to, he just came to mind. It felt like Ki Baek-woo had left an imprint on my brain. That’s why even when I was alone, it was as if I was with Ki Baek-woo. That’s why my mind was noisy, and that’s why I felt lonely. But now that wouldn’t be the case anymore.

I was truly happy. I was confident until I finished sipping the mixed coffee that Mr. Bu Dong-suk from Bu Dong-suk Real Estate had made for me. What always stood in my way wasn’t the real Ki Baek-woo, but the remnant of Ki Baek-woo left in my heart. Now that I had completely scraped it off and thrown it away without leaving a single piece, there was nothing left in this world to hinder me. Ki Baek-woo would quickly disappear following Jung Yi-dam, and as someone ostracized from the world, I wouldn’t have to be involved with anyone.

But there’s a limit to backstabbing. I never imagined the world would screw me over like this. Even when I once desperately wanted Ki Baek-woo, I never imagined anything like this. A Ki Baek-woo who doesn’t leave even when told to go. What kind of ghost story is that?

To be honest, and I really hope this honesty doesn’t become a reality, I sincerely, really fucking hope with all my heart that it doesn’t, but if I’m being honest, the current Ki Baek-woo… he really looked like someone who genuinely wanted to get along with me. He looked like he was longing for the time when we were each other’s only one. I remember the naive nonsense he babbled with his tear-stained face.

‘If I do better from now on… later, even much later, will I have another chance with you?’

‘Can we go back to how we were?’

When I heard those words, I thought: Ki Baek-woo, caught in his lie, was just spouting any nonsense in his embarrassed state. Because our “original” state wasn’t a normal concept to return to in the first place.

The “original” Ki Baek-woo who thought he loved me isn’t normal. He’s a patient with some twisted brain circuitry. The past Ki Baek-woo said this so often it became tiresome:

‘I’m sorry, I was mistaken in thinking I loved you all this time.’

This means the Ki Baek-woo by my side was never normal to begin with. He was just a mentally incompetent person in a state of delusion, mistakenly thinking he loved me. Then when Jung Yi-dam appears and the system starts moving, Ki Baek-woo’s brain finally breaks free from the error and normalizes. While faithfully carrying out the purpose for which the system twisted Ki Baek-woo’s brain – the dramatic and fateful romance between him and Jung Yi-dam. That’s what normal is in this world.

That’s the absolute truth that can never be changed, but if Ki Baek-woo, not even me, acts like he’s trying his hardest to twist that, what am I supposed to do? Of course, it’s not that he loves me or is still under the delusion of loving me. Unless I go completely insane, no, even if I do go insane, I’ll never think that way again.

But if Ki Baek-woo is acting like this because he wants to maintain our family-like relationship… how am I supposed to treat him? What do I need to do to make that bastard stop his antics?

Ah, I really don’t know. I hate the fact that I have to worry about Ki Baek-woo even when I’ve completely emptied my mind.

But if he suddenly creates a sea of blood from his nose just because I played a little prank, thinking “let whatever happens happen”… even if I don’t feel sorry or worried, it still makes me a bit uneasy.

“…Ki Baek-woo?”

And as if to say, “I’m the very person who was gushing blood and fell backward just a few hours ago, and as soon as I woke up, I ran out barefoot like this, too anxious and scared to come to my senses. And the reason I feel this anxious is because of you,” he’s crouched in front of the apartment entrance, as if showing off with his whole body.

“…Hyung.”

Oh shit, God. Please allow me to punish this evil and wicked bastard who’s desperate to mess with my feelings… Please grant me the freedom to not be imprisoned even if I strangle this bastard to death right now… Amen!