Delusive Fate

#053

“What the hell. This bastard, surely not…”

Is he dreaming about me?

“This disgusting bastard is doing weird things even in his unconscious… Why has he gone so crazy like this?”

As I glared at Ki Baek-woo with my face all scrunched up, his breath was trembling faintly. He looked agonized.

“… Don’t… die… hyung…”

“Sigh… I don’t think I can just leave him like this.”

He’s not just gone crazy, he’s completely rotten. Come to think of it, the past Lee Han-sol not being able to eat or sleep because of Ki Baek-woo was… well, it’s fucking shitty, but that’s because he was originally crazy about Ki Baek-woo. But Ki Baek-woo not being able to eat or sleep and even calling out “hyung” in his dreams now means something is seriously wrong, right?

Moreover, if I think about the timing when this bastard started to become like this in earnest… it was probably after I cursed at him, calling him a dirty slut.

But was that really so shocking? To the point where he not only lost his appetite but started walking the path of pro-ana? Huh, how weak is this guy’s mental state? He’s a real hothouse flower, a hothouse flower.

“Ah, shit… Right, who else can I blame? It’s all my fault.”

Ki Baek-woo growing up as a hothouse flower is because I raised him preciously like one, and Ki Baek-woo collapsing is because of my mouth that gave him a shock and made him live like a wreck. This is all a disaster I brought upon myself.

After resigning myself to that, I felt like I should do something rather than just staying still. It was a vague obsession that somehow resolving this situation I created would return the crazy Ki Baek-woo to normal and bring peace to my life.

Should I give him some medicine…? But what medicine? I’ve taken 100 sleeping pills with soju before because I was struggling with insomnia. Would doing the same to him just be an assassination attempt? Since that bastard’s head has gone crazy, should I buy and give him headache medicine…?

While I was considering this, muttering “shit, shit,” a cracked voice was heard.

“Ki Baek-woo… Baek, ugh…”

Ki Baek-woo, who called his own name as if it were someone else’s, looked a bit miserable. I was almost curious about what kind of dream he was having. Ki Baek-woo soon closed his mouth and started silently shedding tears. Because he was lying down, the tears rolled down both of his temples.

“The one who should be crying is me, why is he crying and making a fuss? Why is this rotten bastard so dramatic? Tsk.”

I took out my phone from my pants pocket. I opened the internet browser and went to a portal site. My two thumbs moved dazzlingly.

“Medicine… to take… when… about to die… of hunger. Search.”

Whether I liked Ki Baek-woo or not, my life somehow seemed to be unchangeably arduous.

***

– Medicine? Han-sol, what medicine? Why medicine? Are you sick somewhere?

“No.”

– Where are you sick and how? Since when? Did you go to the center? Shouldn’t you go to the central center at least?

“I said I’m not sick.”

– Don’t be like that and tell me. Seeing how you’re answering so curtly, this doesn’t seem like a trivial matter.

“I’ve said I’m not three times.”

– Gasp, Han-sol! You really have something going on…! Your tone and how suddenly sharp you are, Han-sol, you have something- wait, hey, Kim Jin-oh! What are you-!

“I said no! How many times do I have to say no! Are your ears fucking clogged? If you’re going to call someone, shouldn’t you at least clean your ears before calling! When someone speaks, fucking understand what they’re saying! I said I’m not sick! I’m not si-ck!!!!!!!!”

On a sunny afternoon, at a quiet city bus stop. I, who had been sitting on the bus stop bench with my legs wide open, suddenly stood up and shouted at my phone.

“If you ask one more time, I’ll kill you! I’m not sick! I said I’m not sick! Are you fucking crazy? I’m not si-ck!”

I glared at the ongoing call screen that showed [Ham Yun-ah] as if I wanted to kill it, panting heavily. I fucking hate humans. Humans are assholes. Why don’t these damn assholes pretend to listen when you tell them something once? Would it hurt them to just go away when told to go away, not do something when told not to do it, and believe it when told I’m not sick?

I shouldn’t have replied. Even if the message arrived just when I was bored, I shouldn’t have replied. If I had ignored it as usual, there wouldn’t have been a phone call, and if there hadn’t been a phone call, I wouldn’t have had this frustrating conversation that wasn’t even worth having. I regret it. Why do I always do things I end up regretting?

I guess I deserve to die. I hate the world. I wish everything would just go to hell.

Unable to contain my anger, I hit my head hard with my fist. This is my own living point to control my anger management disorder. Actually, it doesn’t have to be the head, you can just hit anywhere. It’s like the anger-focused nerves get dispersed by the pain and my mood improves. It’s a wisdom of life I’ve learned from living such a shitty life.

What am I doing now? I’m waiting for a bus. What bus am I waiting for? I’m waiting for a bus going to the central area of District A where all the shops are gathered. Why am I going there?

Shit, to buy medicine. I’m going to the pharmacy to buy medicine. For whom? For Ki Baek-woo!

Initially, I didn’t plan to go out so suddenly like this. I just wanted to find out what kind of medicine is needed for symptoms like Ki Baek-woo’s, or if there was anything I could roughly solve with vegetables, fruits, or tea that we had at home, feeling like a sinner.

I didn’t know that action would grate on my nerves. They say the internet is a treasure trove of information, but information my ass, it was a fucking treasure trove of advertisements. No matter what I searched, only shit like this came up, and I almost threw my phone.

[Health Influencer] Sudden nosebleed and dizziness?

Author: Health Doctor

Hello, neighbors.

These days, as the weather gets colder, many people are complaining of symptoms like nosebleeds and dizziness.

They say that when you have a nosebleed and feel dizzy, it can lead to fainting due to blood pressure issues.

According to articles, symptoms of nosebleeds and dizziness are likely to be a stroke. They say leukemia can also have symptoms of nosebleeds and dizziness. It seems really worrying when you have a nosebleed and feel dizzy.

According to articles, to prevent these symptoms of nosebleeds and dizziness, it’s important to replenish your strength and recover your vitality. They say deer antler is best for recovering vitality to prevent nosebleeds and dizziness.

I also improved a lot by drinking deer antler extract for symptoms of nosebleeds and dizziness. I used Daecheon Farm’s reliable deer antler…

This posting was written in exchange for a small fee.

After reading a few posts that were of no fucking help, I felt pathetic and wanted to die. This won’t do. Forget home remedies and whatever, I should just go to the pharmacy.

‘Ki Baek-woo, you bastard, hyung is going to buy medicine because of you.’

I muttered roughly and left the house, leaving behind Ki Baek-woo who was still groaning. Wearing shabby homewear stained with kimchi soup and dragging cheap slippers I only wear to take out the trash.

I hate going out. There’s a reason I’ve been cooped up at home except for visiting the real estate agency. Even before my personality was ruined and my sociability was completely destroyed, I wasn’t the type to wander around outside.

I thought this in the past, and I think it even more now. Those so-called “insiders” who wander around outside every day. They must be lunatics who can’t control their overflowing energy.

Honestly, isn’t it true? After wandering here and there until the government was rebuilt after the apocalypse, having wandered all there is to wander in a lifetime, to still purposely poke around outside on a day off. I want to stay at home as much as possible. As a hunter, I have to go out whether I want to or not when a gate call comes, and once a raid starts, I have to stay in the dungeon away from home for at least two days straight even if it’s short, so I don’t… I don’t want to go out again unnecessarily. If a day comes when I’m desperate to play outside, it would mean I’ve become a masochistic pervert who enjoys being stressed out beyond just being crazy.

After the game story started and my life went to hell, my aversion to going out only grew stronger. If going out was bothersome and tiring before, it became painful from then on. I’m not sure when it started, but it was probably no later than the third Lee Han-sol. I became afraid of looking into the eyes of people other than Ki Baek-woo.

Hunter Lee Han-sol, Lee Han-sol, Han-sol, Han-sol hyung, Han-sol oppa, excuse me, you there.

No matter how kindly people called my name, I was plagued by auditory hallucinations that followed with curses like ‘Die. Just die. Don’t hold back Hunter Ki and just disappear, you trash. You shouldn’t have been born. Die quickly for the peace of humanity!’

Ki Baek-woo was okay because he lo(ugh)ved(barf) me. I could endure whatever he did to me. Because if I didn’t accept it, I would have to drift endlessly away. I had to endure it even if it was hard.

But the others… why should I deal with them? Who are those bastards that I should put up with that disgust and deal with them? No one talk to me. Everyone’s just laughing at me anyway, aren’t they, they’re gossiping about me, aren’t they, they’re dying to mock me! Humans are all shitty. There’s no such thing as a normal person. They’re all idiots and trash. Dirty and hungry rats living only expecting to bite me.

I increasingly holed up at home, and it had been a really long time since I rushed out like this. As expected, Ki Baek-woo is completely useless. A trash who’s of no help to me at all. Moreover, even replying to Ham Yun-ah’s message was ultimately because of Ki Baek-woo who made me crawl out like this.

The sense of dissonance where Ki Baek-woo is strange but the outside scenery feels the same as I know it. In the midst of shaking my legs and alleviating boredom at the empty city bus stop, Ham Yun-ah’s timely message arrived.

Well, I could see right through the content of the message without even checking it. It’s a message I’ve received about twenty-four times, excluding when I committed suicide. It would be a photo of Meong (male, 4 years old, obese), the yellow cat raised at the B District Center, lying on its back. Some humans including Ham Yun-ah, for example, Kim Jin-oh, Seo Hee-ju, or Lee Su-hyeon noona, would often make such useless contact with me.

People in B District think they and I are like friends, but that’s all a stupid delusion. They and I are just work colleagues. A relationship where, because we’re acquaintances, there’s a possibility of getting entangled more nastily than with anonymous bastards I don’t even know the faces of.

They are gloomy bastards who, when Ki Baek-woo starts to noticeably stick with Jung Yi-dam, will use the fact that we’re acquaintances to approach me pretending to be worried, pretending to care, pretending to be on my side instead of Ki Baek-woo’s, planning to stab me in the back. Of course, I’m not stupid enough to fall for such things, so even the first Lee Han-sol didn’t suffer anything, and they couldn’t attempt anything on me either.

Then there might be some naive people somewhere who would wonder if they aren’t just nice kids who worried about me and took my side. They might even laugh at me, saying I’m rejecting the only good people who care about me due to severe paranoia and distrust of humans.

I don’t want to answer such doubts. I don’t even feel like dealing with people who’ve lived such easy lives that they only know after tasting shit and soybean paste. It’s because I’m smart that I was wary of those bastards in advance, and that’s why nothing has happened to me yet.

Anyway, I had to work with Ham Yun-ah and others until death, and because they kept contacting me tirelessly no matter how much I ignored them, I always maintained a lukewarm relationship. Well, just, as long as I don’t fall for it no matter how kindly they act.

Anyway, I, who went out unexpectedly because of Ki Baek-woo, couldn’t overcome the boredom of the quiet bus stop. So I replied to Ham Yun-ah’s message, which I would normally have ignored. I asked, ‘What medicine do you take when you have a nosebleed?’ I just thought I’d kill time exchanging a few messages until the bus came. But I didn’t expect her to call suddenly.

– Lee Han-sol! Hey, Lee Han-sol! What the fuck? Did you hang up? No? You bastard Han-sol, you’re shouting about being crazy or whatever all by yourself and then suddenly go quiet? Hey! Answer me!

Moreover, Ham Yun-ah must have been with Kim Jin-oh, because the one screaming through the phone now was Kim Jin-oh. Ah, I’m already tired and I haven’t even gotten on the bus yet. I want to go straight back home. Is my life destined to be arduous no matter what? I don’t know.

I quietly pressed the end call button while watching the A-17 bus finally entering the bus stop.