Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

I exchanged messages with the uncle from “Shine”, clarifying schedule details. Tomorrow, 10 AM, at the bald man’s real estate agency. Okay. I noted it in the calendar. I felt more at ease signing contracts early in the morning. I planned to use my vacation days economically. The apartment I was going to rent was empty, so I could move in as early as tomorrow. My goal was to get all the estimates by the end of this week. And, if possible, break up then too.

“Ugh… Damn, I’m sleepy.”

Drowsiness suddenly overcame me. But I need to eat before sleeping… Rubbing my closing eyes, I got up from the couch and headed straight to the bathroom. Better to wash up in advance. After eating, even greater drowsiness will overcome me.

‘I’ll lie down in bed right after eating, patting my stomach. Reflux esophagitis… isn’t that tomorrow me’s problem?’

Carelessly thinking such irresponsible thoughts, I splashed cold water on my face. When I raised my head, the mirror reflected my beautiful face with hair pulled back by a pink pig-head headband.

∞ ∞ ∞

Eyes burning.

White snow was falling from the sky covered with dark clouds. Due to the cold weather, my nose froze, and I involuntarily wrinkled the bridge of my nose. I raised my head and absent-mindedly looked at the familiar high-rise building. 1st floor, 2nd floor… 10th floor. Today too, the lights were completely off. Not even the slightest glimmer of light was visible. I wonder where Kyeoul went?

I tightly gripped the warm package in my hands. Although there were days when I didn’t want to see Kyeoul, now, when I thought he wasn’t home, some unpleasant feeling overtook me. It seemed to me that the contents of the package were gradually cooling, and I pressed it to my chest. Kyeoul didn’t like cold things after all.

My steps were becoming slower.

I don’t know if I just didn’t want to return home, or… Now, when nothing could be predicted, a feeling of helplessness and deep fatigue overtook me. Maybe it’s the aftermath of overtime work that I haven’t done in a long time? Probably that’s it. The reason why I couldn’t move forward, as if a heavy load was hanging on my shoulders, was definitely fatigue from overtime work.

I really didn’t want to work overtime.

If Kyeoul heard this, he would probably smirk and say: “Where in the world is there an office worker who wants to work overtime? Ithae, you’re talking nonsense again?” Pondering what “talking nonsense” even means, I would laugh. After all, Kyeoul’s meaningless words sometimes gave great strength. If I heard these words, even this fatigue would quickly pass, and I would return to the usual course of life.

However, this situation wasn’t such a simple problem. I wanted to talk to him in a house where Kyeoul is present. Not knowing what needed to be checked, what needed to be talked about.

With slow steps, I headed home. Not wanting to check the phone that rang from time to time, I deeply shoved it into my pocket. I didn’t want to peer into my restless heart. It seemed that as soon as I found out who the message was from, something uncontrollable would begin.

“Choi Kyeoul…”

Your name had the taste of cotton candy. Sweeter and more sharply stinging the tongue than the snow softly lying on the streets. White steam from breath dissipated in clouds. Even this steam was like cotton candy. Is everything related to you so sweet? “Winter” was different from my name. Although it was the same noun.

I rubbed my eyes. Nerves were gradually sharpening.

I entered the password. “0120.” Opening the door, I suddenly realized that today was the 18th. And that our 7th anniversary was already very close. Why didn’t I know about this?

…Does Kyeoul know? Probably knows. Or not? The assumption that he might not know came to my mind. You remembered our memorable dates more than I expected. That’s why you walked around humming a few days before them. Both my birthday and the day of our meeting.

But I poorly remembered this. After all, we’ll be together for life anyway. I haven’t yet found meaning in counting the past and marking it. Is it important?

Of course. I perfectly understood that last time I was wrong.

It was when the weather was becoming hot?

Kyeoul, unlike his name, was born on the hottest day of summer. When even just sitting in place, you’re all covered in sweat. So we both couldn’t help but be irritable. I don’t want to make excuses because of the weather, but if we’re talking about it, it was like that.

Until now, I had never forgotten about Kyeoul’s birthday. Even if I missed my own birthday, I always remembered and celebrated Kyeoul’s birthday. Because it was a very important day when he was born.

But this time I forgot. It was a day that I remembered even without marking it on the calendar, but I just forgot. No, not just forgot. …My thoughts were occupied with something else. It’s very shameful, but now when I think about it, I understand that I was a terrible asshole, although I didn’t realize it then.

I spent a lot of time outside and returned home already after midnight. I opened the front door, slightly drunk and in high spirits. I squinted, swaying under the flickering light in the hallway. A drunk guy who returned after the birthday had already passed. Despite the fact that I acted so badly, Kyeoul was waiting for me. With a worried expression on his face.

…Why did I act like that?

Seeing this face, I felt something rising inside, and without reason, I yelled at Kyeoul. Asked why he was waiting for me. If it’s late, just go to sleep. I was talking nonsense, not even remembering what day it was. Although you should have been the one to get angry. I wonder why you prepared a sweet drink for a partner who doesn’t even remember your birthday?

“Stop drinking. If you want to live long.”

“…Don’t want to live long. Tired of it. Have to… live like this all life. Like this with you…”

Kyeoul didn’t answer anything and just stared at me intently. This gaze was terribly irritating. As if he was trying to look into my soul. I felt Kyeoul’s deep eyes quietly pulling me in. This sensation was unpleasant, and I turned away. As if I didn’t want to meet his gaze.

That’s why I still don’t know.

What expression was on Kyeoul’s face at that moment?

When I opened the front door, the first thing that caught my eye was Kyeoul’s neatly arranged shoes. Although all the lights were off. Even now the darkness was imprinted on my retina. Only a small lamp in the hallway illuminated me. The warm air that Kyeoul loved immediately enveloped me. As if declaring his presence.

“…When did he come.”

In an instant, the package crumpled with a rustling sound.

Muttering to myself, I took off my shoes. Although it was cold winter outside and snow was falling, I felt like I was in a hot aquarium. The more I opened my mouth, the more boiling water filled my throat. My voice came out poorly. My vocal cords burned as if scalded. I wonder where this sensation came from?

For the past few days when Kyeoul wasn’t here, I felt lonely in this house. Where did he go, leaving me? Although it’s probably just my imagination, somehow it seemed that Kyeoul had distanced himself, and summer without you came again. To those terrible memories. Because of the words I said to you, I couldn’t contact you first, but I didn’t want to just wait doing nothing. Although in reality, I couldn’t do anything.

Kyeoul, who were you with and where were you? You rarely went out lately. You said you were too lazy to even go out, so you would just stay at home with me. So I should be at home too… Are you thinking about me now? If so, you should come back quickly. …Even if I’m not home when you return.

Immersed in such thoughts, I sat on the couch with a good view of the front door and waited for Kyeoul. Time passed like this, and around midnight Kyeoul would return. All soaked in the cold winter smell. This didn’t suit Kyeoul at all. He rather suited… a warm spring aroma.

Seeing me, Kyeoul always made a similar facial expression. His eyes would slightly widen, and he would stand in the hallway with a puzzled look, as if asking why I was here. I didn’t like this, and I would frown deeply.

Then Kyeoul’s pupils would dilate, and his red lips would part slightly, as if he saw something that shouldn’t be here. Always. Not wanting to understand this face full of bewilderment, I would inconspicuously avert my eyes.

How many years have we been together? Can’t I read even one expression on Kyeoul’s face?

‘We’ll be together in the future too, right?’

Pondering this, lately I’ve been leaving Kyeoul, whom I didn’t want to see, and turning away. Repeating such actions, not even understanding what I’m doing.

I quietly stood by the shoe cabinet, waiting for Kyeoul, but he didn’t come out of the room. Until the light in the hallway went out, and quiet silence descended on the house. There was no feeling of movement, only my heart was loudly pounding, so I could hear it in my ears. Only silence remained.

“I’m home…”

Thinking that maybe Kyeoul didn’t hear the sound of the door opening, I muttered again. But in the darkened space, there was no movement. Only the motion sensor that detected me was lonely illuminating me.

I felt nauseous.

Even breathing seemed foreign. So foreign that it became heavy. I sharply went to the room door, like a person who sees only one thing. I had to make sure with my own eyes. The room door seemed so huge that my hands were shaking.

I firmly grabbed the doorknob and opened the door. In the gradually widening crack, I saw Kyeoul sleeping. He had pulled the blanket up to his chin and opened his mouth wide. The sound of his breathing tickled my eardrums.

An unknown feeling overtook me.

It seemed that the abundant snowfall from the sky had turned into mud and was falling on my head. That is…

Resentful.

I almost went crazy with resentment towards Kyeoul, who was sleeping soundly without waiting for me. He looked so calm, as if my existence had no impact on his daily life. It was like… our current relationship. It seemed that you would live perfectly fine without me.

How can you act like this?