Just A Friend

#43

“What do you mean I didn’t tell you?”

He hadn’t particularly kept anything secret from him. If anything, all his embarrassing and childish sides had been exposed. He couldn’t think of anything he had hidden. Not knowing what or how much he was supposed to say, he remained silent. Once again, a mumbling sound came from the nape of his neck.

“It feels like you know me well, but I don’t know you that well.”

“…”

Nam Seonwoo could finally understand his anxiety. Having dated for fifteen years, Seonwoo knew even Kang Jihan’s smallest habits. But for ‘this’ Jihan, everything was new. He felt the gap that came from this.

Not knowing what to say, Seonwoo silently hugged him. In response, the arms around his waist tightened. They stayed like that for a few minutes. Once again, it was Jihan who couldn’t bear the silence.

“Aren’t you curious about anything about me?”

This question probably came from the same context. So instead of keeping his mouth shut, Seonwoo started to rack his brain. Something he was curious about…

“…I am.”

“Ask.”

In fact, he knew almost everything there was to know about Jihan. But there were things he didn’t know. He had just been afraid to ask.

“How much do you like me?”

Perhaps because of the conversation in the kitchen earlier, that question immediately came to mind.

Silence followed. As his face began to flush, Seonwoo realized that he hadn’t been afraid of this question, but embarrassed by it. After saying it out loud, it seemed like such a childish question. He tried to open his mouth to take back what he’d said, but Jihan was faster.

“You always ask things like that.”

“…Are you laughing? Are you making fun of me right now?”

His back trembled slightly as he tried to hold back his laughter. Seonwoo slapped that annoying back with his palm, and Jihan nuzzled his face against Seonwoo’s neck.

“I like you a lot.”

“…”

“So much that I’m happy you ask such things.”

Seonwoo’s lips quivered. Actually, there was something else he wanted to ask. He wanted to ask if Jihan was confident they wouldn’t break up, but he swallowed his words. The answer was obvious. Of course, he would say yes. And it wouldn’t be a lie. Because right now, they were at the height of their feelings.

“Ask me again.”

Jihan, who had been slightly sulky even during the hug, seemed to have his anger melt away like snow at that one question. Seonwoo had the illusion that an invisible tail was wagging behind him.

As Seonwoo was racking his brain, wondering what to say to the guy waiting for a question, he suddenly felt that his arm looked a bit unfamiliar. To be precise, it wasn’t his arm, but the clothes covering it that felt unfamiliar.

Seonwoo abruptly pulled away and asked:

“Where did my clothes go?”

Jihan avoided his eyes. Looking alternately at his guilty-looking face and the training suit that was way too big, Seonwoo continued his interrogation.

“…Did you change my clothes?”

“You were sweating a lot.”

“Oh, really?”

“I couldn’t let you lie in bed in your outdoor clothes.”

It was nonsense. Looking down at the unfamiliar elastic waistband, Seonwoo suddenly had a thought and put his hand on the waistband. His unconscious attempt to check underneath was quickly stopped by Jihan.

“I… didn’t touch there.”

“…”

“Really.”

Jihan’s gaze was still fixed somewhere on the bed sheet. Another uncomfortable silence followed. The two faces, flushed with the same color, were clearly distinguishable even in the dark room.

Finally, unable to bear the awkwardness, Seonwoo lifted the blanket and wriggled his way under it.

“N-now go. I’ll ask when I have questions.”

But the uninvited guest on the bed just sat stubbornly. As Seonwoo struggled to pull out the blanket trapped under him, Jihan seemed to lift himself slightly, only to slide under the blanket as well.

“W-what are you doing?! Get out of here!”

No matter how much Seonwoo tried to push him away with his arms and legs, Jihan pressed his body against him without the slightest hesitation.

“You never know.”

“What don’t I know? Ah, stop touching me!”

“What if you faint again.”

The impure intentions hidden beneath that concern were unmistakable. If he was purely worried, there would be no need to come under the blanket and hold him so tightly that he couldn’t move an inch. Despite Seonwoo’s desperate struggles, the heavy blanket silently covered all those movements.

“Hey. You’re not planning to sleep like this, are you?”

“Why not?”

“It’s cramped and hot. Move away a bit! I’m telling you I’m going to sweat.”

“They say it’s good to sweat a lot when you’re sick.”

There was no getting through to him. As Seonwoo gave up and relaxed the arms that had been pushing against Jihan’s shoulders, the arms restraining his back pulled him in even more forcefully. It was suffocating. Partly because he was physically short of breath, but more because the heat enveloping his entire body made it difficult to breathe. He felt like he might turn to ashes if he stayed in Jihan’s embrace like this.

Jihan was too hot and solid. Seonwoo tried to move his hips back, but the arm tightly pulling his waist only made them press together without any gap. Hot breath poured over his ear. Even when he twisted his waist as if trying to escape, it only backfired.

“Are you doing this on purpose?”

It felt like every little hair on the back of his ear was standing on end. Between those hairs, a small, hot whisper settled.

I want to become an adult soon.

That secret whisper made Seonwoo feel like his face was about to explode. He stiffened his body like a rock and criticized Jihan.

“Is that all you think about?”

“These days, that’s all I think about.”

“…”

“You were in my dream today too.”

This young bastard, has he gone crazy, really. It seemed necessary to steer the conversation away from the strange direction it was taking.

“I dreamed about you too.”

Jihan held his breath. A moment later, a subtle question followed.

“What did we do? Together.”

Seonwoo flicked Jihan’s forehead as if to say ‘don’t think weird thoughts’ and said:

“We studied together. Very intensely.”

“…”

“I felt a burning desire to study. It was such a good dream, Jihan.”

Taking advantage of Jihan’s suddenly deflated energy, Seonwoo turned his body to face the opposite direction. If this crazy guy really intended to sleep like this, it was safer to have his back turned than to face him.

“I’m sleeping.”

As Seonwoo closed his eyes, Jihan quietly pressed against his back. Though he could hear the loud heartbeat behind him, it seemed Jihan wasn’t going to do anything more unnecessary, so Seonwoo left him be.

Seonwoo mulled over his conversation with Baek Heeyeon. He hadn’t had time to organize his thoughts while soothing the suddenly awakened Jihan, but he needed to process this unsettling feeling.

The heat from behind was so distinct it felt like it could take shape. It would be a lie to say he didn’t feel a sense of emptiness knowing that this would someday be exhausted. But he had to endure it nonetheless. After all, it was his decision to be with Jihan again this time.

But why… did he keep feeling like he was missing something?

Seonwoo stared at the white wall, slowly recalling his previous life. As he traced a rough timeline and reminisced about the events with Jihan, he realized an important event only when he reached the end of it all.

The breakup with Jihan, and… the traffic accident that happened afterwards.

The heat that had filled the air suddenly turned cold.

‘…It means I’ll die too, after all.’

Absorbed in the thought of Jihan’s affection changing, he only now realized that his own death would not change either. Life and death were part of what Heeyeon had called the ‘grand scheme of fate,’ so surely the person named Nam Seonwoo would die this time too.

He wasn’t afraid of death. What concerned him was Jihan.

Even if Jihan’s affection didn’t cool for quite a long time, that was a problem in its own way. What if I die in the middle of a long and deep relationship? Just thinking about that possibility made him feel like not only the air but also the blood in his body was turning cold.

He couldn’t let Jihan go through two funerals.

The Jihan in mourning clothes he had seen in his dream seemed to be standing right in front of him now, glaring at him. Seeming to resent him. As if saying, are you in any position to worry about love cooling off?

‘…No.’

The moment he imagined Jihan standing in front of his memorial photo, it felt like someone was choking him, making it impossible to breathe.

He couldn’t make him go through the loss of a loved one twice. Absolutely not, anything but that.

“Are you asleep?”

At the sudden voice, Seonwoo held his breath. As he remained silent, Jihan, thinking he was asleep, lowered his voice.

“I’ve decided on the major I want to pursue.”

“…”

“You mentioned medical school before, right? I’ve been thinking, and I…”

His quiet voice, trying not to wake Seonwoo, tickled his ear. Jihan, who seemed embarrassed and couldn’t continue, finally added softly. He said he wanted to ‘study the brain.’ Saying there seemed to be too many quacks out there.

“So don’t worry.”

Feeling his eyes starting to burn, Seonwoo squeezed them shut with all his might.

The reason Jihan chose neurology had changed from before. But that change didn’t feel good. Because he knew that while there might be small changes, the big picture wouldn’t change.

Even after hours, Jihan’s warmth didn’t subside. Seonwoo spent the dawn with his eyes wide open, not falling asleep in that warmth. Afraid that if he fell asleep, these emotions he was feeling might be diluted even a little, he kept chewing over the words and warmth Jihan had given him.

Before he knew it, the sun was peeking through the window. Looking at that warm, faint light, Seonwoo made the decision he had been putting off all night. Carefully turning around, he saw Jihan sleeping peacefully. Looking at that face, he thought:

He should break up with him as soon as possible.