Just A Friend

#42

It was like a dream of lying in a hospital room. It felt a bit different from the dream I had today. While the scene in the funeral parking lot was a piece of memory, that unfamiliar sight wasn’t in any memory I knew.

So suddenly, I had this thought.

What if it was an unconscious memory from after the accident?

“Yes, that’s quite a complicated issue, isn’t it? The original world doesn’t disappear, but you can’t just vanish from there suddenly either,” Baek Heeyeon sipped her tea. While impressed by the sharp question, she seemed a bit sad somewhere. She spoke up.

“What if the original existence died?”

…As expected.

Nam Seonwoo had anticipated this too. He could accept his own death calmly. But if that hospital room scene was real, if by any chance the news of the accident had reached Kang Jihan’s ears…

The image of Kang Jihan from today’s dream kept haunting him. The more he recalled Kang Jihan in black mourning clothes, the more his insides twisted painfully. He picked up the mug to calm himself, but the milk had long since gone cold.

“If one goes to the past after their life has ended, there won’t be any conflict with the original world.”

“Wait a moment. Then…”

The original world. She was speaking of the ‘past’ and ‘now’ as separate things. It sounded as if this place wasn’t ‘returning’ to the past, but rather a kind of new timeline. Just as Nam Seonwoo had vaguely felt.

That meant, truly, that the past he experienced might not repeat itself.

“Does that mean things that happened before can change?”

Undisguised expectation and excitement were evident in his voice. The possibility that Kang Jihan wouldn’t lose his mother, and that their long relationship wouldn’t end in separation. A glimmer of hope appeared in Nam Seonwoo’s eyes. He waited for Baek Heeyeon to answer affirmatively, watching for her lips to part.

“Well…”

But the answer that came back was ambiguous. Baek Heeyeon put down her teacup and said,

“No matter how strong an individual’s desire might be, humans are ultimately fragile beings in the face of fate’s shackles.”

“But…! According to what you said, isn’t that fate something that can be changed too?”

“It might change a little. If you make different choices, the results that follow will be different.”

The changed score on the badminton performance assessment, Baek Heeyeon’s condition not progressing rapidly, Kang Jihan’s attitude changing almost drastically. All were results that followed Nam Seonwoo’s changed actions.

It meant such small things could change. But ultimately, what she was saying was…

“…You mean the big picture can’t be changed, right?”

It meant that Baek Heeyeon’s funeral would still happen, that Kang Jihan’s current demeanor would eventually change, and that they would naturally face separation.

“Seonwoo.”

Despite the warm voice, he couldn’t lift his head. The things he had hoped might be different ending up with the same conclusion was more devastating than he had expected.

“Some things might not be able to defy fate, but some things might.”

The unconvincing comfort went in one ear and out the other.

“For instance, what you thought was the ending might actually be just part of the process, not the real end.”

“…”

“Isn’t seeing the true ending of a story you hadn’t seen before possibly what could be called ‘changing fate’? So don’t conclude whether you can or can’t change it. You’ll miss something important if you do.”

You understand, right? Baek Heeyeon asked as if urging him. Although he hadn’t really heard what she said properly, Nam Seonwoo nodded reluctantly.

Baek Heeyeon tried to clear away the teacup and mug, but Nam Seonwoo quickly stood up and made her sit down. Standing at the sink, Nam Seonwoo deliberately washed the cups with cold water. Perhaps due to the futility, his mind was a bit hazy, so he felt he needed to do at least that much.

That Kang Jihan will change too. …Eventually.

He knew he was being contradictory. When he accepted Kang Jihan’s confession, he had already resolved that they would eventually part ways. But the reason his mood kept sinking endlessly might be because Kang Jihan was showing a side so different from before.

The thought of eventually losing those eyes filled with transparent affection and actions that clearly showed interest brought a terrible sense of loss. To the point where he thought it might have been better if he hadn’t known Kang Jihan could make such expressions.

‘…Wait a minute.’

Come to think of it, he realized he hadn’t addressed something crucial. Nam Seonwoo turned to look at Baek Heeyeon after turning off the tap.

“But you know.”

“Yes?”

“What if that person didn’t want to go back to the past?”

They say if you wish for something earnestly, it will come true, but he had never earnestly wished for this in the first place.

Then how did I come back?

But Baek Heeyeon tightly grasped her pendant. Her back view, with her head bowed as if in prayer, looked so sad for some reason that Nam Seonwoo suddenly had a strange thought. For instance…

“What if someone else-“

The door burst open, drawing both their attention. Beyond the hastily opened door stood Kang Jihan. He looked like he might dash out at any moment.

“You…!”

Nam Seonwoo flinched at the angry-looking face. As Kang Jihan approached with big strides, Nam Seonwoo’s eyes darted around before he was suddenly pulled into a tight embrace.

“Ji-Jihan? Wait-“

“You should tell me when you wake up. Why do you leave without saying anything?”

“No, behind you, your mother… ack.”

The force was so strong it almost took his breath away. No matter how much he patted Kang Jihan’s back with his rubber-gloved hands, he didn’t budge. Over Kang Jihan’s shoulder, he caught a glimpse of his mother. Contrary to his worry, she showed no sign of surprise and was smiling.

“You two catch up on your overdue conversation. I have an early business trip in the morning.”

She even went into her room. Nam Seonwoo’s rubber-gloved hands stopped awkwardly in mid-air. He was about to feel relieved that she seemed to have let it slide when-

“…Hey!”

As Kang Jihan suddenly lifted him up, Nam Seonwoo flailed in panic. But the arms around his waist showed no sign of letting go. As his legs and arms instinctively wrapped around Kang Jihan, he headed towards the room as if he’d been waiting for this.

“You crazy bastard. What are you doing, really? I can walk. I said I can walk!”

His voice, lowered in case his mother might come out, wasn’t threatening at all. Kang Jihan only cradled the back of Nam Seonwoo’s head as they crossed the threshold, saying nothing until he closed the door and walked to the bed.

Thrown onto the bed, Nam Seonwoo looked up at him with an incredulous face.

“Come on, your mother saw everything. What are you doing?”

“Is that important right now?”

“How is it not important? What if she notices something? Just stepping out for a moment, how is that so wrong…”

Kang Jihan’s gaze was fierce.

“…I guess it was. But I was just going to get some water and come back. Really. Where would I go at this hour?”

He knew Kang Jihan was acting this way out of concern, but still thought the reaction was excessive. It’s not like I’m running away somewhere. As he grumbled internally while taking off his rubber gloves, Kang Jihan sat on the edge of the bed.

“Tell me.”

“T-Tell you what?”

“What did they say at the hospital last time?”

Last time… He seemed to be referring to the badminton incident. At the hospital, they said he was perfectly fine. But knowing that if he was really okay, he wouldn’t have collapsed twice, Nam Seonwoo hesitated to answer, and Kang Jihan asked again.

“Are you sick somewhere?”

“…No.”

The tests showed nothing unusual. But I think it’s an aftereffect from my previous life. Unable to say such an insane thing, he answered that way. But seeing Kang Jihan’s expression turn cold, he realized he had misspoken.

“I’m.”

Kang Jihan, who was about to say something, closed his mouth again. And after a long while, what came out was a heavily suppressed voice.

“Am I not your boyfriend?”

“No, I mean-“

“You should tell me. At least where it hurts. So that I can…”

I can. Unable to continue his words, Kang Jihan’s face contorted. For a moment, Nam Seonwoo was reminded of Kang Jihan who couldn’t do anything about his mother’s condition, standing blankly in front of her memorial photo. Unable to watch that anymore, Nam Seonwoo reached out to him. Unlike in the dream, he could hug the Kang Jihan in front of him now.

“Why don’t you listen to people when they’re talking?”

Kang Jihan hesitated a bit. But soon, with a serious face, he tried to pull his body back.

“Don’t try to get past this like this.”

How cheeky. As Nam Seonwoo tightened his arms around Kang Jihan’s neck, the chest pressed against him flinched greatly.

“I’m not trying to get past it. Just listen for a moment.”

Only then did Kang Jihan quiet down. The advice from some parenting program to hug children who don’t listen wasn’t nonsense after all. As Kang Jihan in his arms became docile, Nam Seonwoo spoke.

“At the hospital that time…”

He chose to just speak honestly. It was better than making him misunderstand that he was hiding something. Of course, he left out the part about regression.

After relaying the hospital test results as they were, Kang Jihan asked a few questions about follow-up tests and other symptoms before falling silent. He seemed to know that such cases weren’t uncommon, as his mother’s hospital couldn’t provide clear causes or solutions either.

“But they really said you were too healthy. You took me to the emergency room, right? Didn’t they say the same thing there?”

The head buried in his neck nodded. As he was about to release the hug, seeing the somewhat dejected gesture, Kang Jihan wrapped his arms around his waist and mumbled.

“And?”

“And what?”

“Tell me everything you didn’t tell me before.”

The two hands that had been sulking as if in protest just moments ago now firmly supported his back, as if telling him not to let go.