Just a taste mother superior then I'll leave the convent.

[ A letter from Alicia Hawks to Father Roman and Basil.]

{To be opened upon the sudden death of Alicia. }

If you are reading this then I am already dead and that too by choice.

I've harbored so much pain and guilt in my heart for such a long time that I can't take it anymore.

They have accumulated and got so dense and their explosion was inevitable.

I've done many wrong things in my life both before and after I joined the convent.

In this letter I would like to cover a particular one that I did after joining the convent.

They say the flesh is weak yet it keeps winning over and over again.

If I had been battling demons given my immense faith I'm certain I would have put up a great fight and possibly won.

Father Basil always said that the devil is not the ugly monster in your worst nightmares but your sweetest dreams.

I have walked the long journey proud that I have never encountered the devil before I realized that he and I were walking the same path.

He came to me as my most beautiful dream.

He knows the deepest desire of your heart without having to tell him a word.

He knows what you are secretly longing to hear, where you are guilty yearning and itching to be touched but more than that he knows how to make you feel good about those things.

He makes it feel right and at the moment you tell yourself that that is the most righteous thing you have ever done.

I have betrayed the Lord's trust and the people's faith in me countless times now.

I have disgraced the parish and contaminated the altar with my sexual fluids.

You read that right.

I have let a man go down on me many times by the altar.

I have spread my legs wide for him and let him do all sorts of degrading things at all the holy places you can imagine.

I've shamelessly moaned out his name and swallowed his cum on this very holy ground.

I have let him creampie me at the confession booth.

The Lord forgive me for I am not sincerely sorry for any of that no matter how guilty I feel.

Even if I were to regress and go back in time I would do it all over again.

That's why I believe that it is indeed the devil at play here.

But it would be selfish of me to put all the blame on the devil because I did all these things willingly and in my right state of mind.

At times I wonder if joining the convent was the right decision at all.

It is at times like this that I remember all the warnings.

People warned me that I would be unable to keep my desires at Bay.

That I would touch myself occasionally and crave for any man's cock.

At the time I considered all that as noise.

After all, I had the Holy Spirit to help me fight the temptations.

Surely carnal desires couldn't kill right?

Even when the predictions started coming true I ignored all of them and fasted.

When my tits would ache and my nipples would go hard needing to be touched and squeezed I would take a cold shower and force myself to sleep.

At times when it got worse I would take them in my mouth and bite them hard till I drew blood.

It was my form of punishing myself for having such evil desires.

Just when I thought it couldn't get much worse it did.

My crotch would get wet at the slightest talk with a man.

I tried fighting it.

I really did.

But the flesh is weak…

I read that verse over and over again.

Surely God would understand my struggles wouldn't He?

He must have seen how much I fought against it.

That day for the first time in so many years I touched myself.

I promised to only rub myself but at the end of the session I had fingered myself thoroughly and had also cum not less than three times.

Then I promised myself that that was the first and the last time it would ever happen.

But the devil is hardworking as always.

He never sleeps.

He is always up to ensure that God's children fall.

This time it was a one sided battle.

The Holy Spirit seemed to have abandoned me.

No matter how many times I called Him He never appeared.

That was when I realized that I was now on my own.

Before you accuse me of being weak it is important to note that I remained true to my vows.

There were many wolves disguised as sheep among the congregation who tried to lead me astray but I remained strong.

I did not cave in.

I performed all my duties diligently.

They all were aware that they couldn't get me.

You are probably wondering what went wrong.

Where did I fall weak?

I am also wondering the same.

I can't remember where I first fell.

All I know is that everything felt right and I don't regret a thing.

I'm certain at this point that you all must be judging me in your hearts and seeing me as a fallen woman.

Especially the self righteous Basil. But even you Roman are no different.

Let me burst your bubble and flash it before your face that you are just as wicked, probably more than I am.

I know what happened that night.

That night when Father Basil invited the two of us over to his house so that we could celebrate the opening of the charity foundation over a bottle of wine.

I woke up the following morning with a terrible headache but the two of you told me I had drank so much wine the previous night.

I nodded and didn't say another word.

I also noticed that you were sweating and your words were not very confident.

I remember that I had only one glass and that I did even get to finish the glass.

I am not stupid as you presumed me to be.

That morning my body felt sore. My ass hole was the most affected.

Just so you know I have never taken a man or anything in my ass before that night.

I added one and one together and figured out what you had done.

I could have said a lot and exposed you even take you to prison for raping me but I didn't.

I felt like I had an obligation to protect the image of the parish.

That's why you got away with your misdeeds.

Looking back I am not sure if that was the right thing.

I can't tell for sure if I was the only one or if you have done this to many nuns before and are still doing it.

At the time I tried to understand you.

Even sympathize with you as a matter of fact.

I looked back at my carnal desires and my struggles and thought you probably went through the same and that night you both had tried so hard to control yourselves but failed.

Then again why would you do that to an innocent lamb that was trying to maintain her vows.

You could have visited the brothels or the whore house and relieved yourself at a fee.

In the dead of the night no one would have recognized you.

But no you chose to defile me.

I remember feeling the itching and desire for a cock gone.

I felt dirty, used and resentment filled my heart.

Now I see you for who you are.

You are wicked men. The wolves playing the shepherd.

The devil I talked about is better than you because at least he made me enjoy it.

He responded to my darkest fantasies.

He never forced me into anything.

The guilt I'm feeling is not because I felt good but because I feel as if I have just become like you two.

I feel like I have taken advantage of a list soul who needed salvation and pushed him further to the path towards hell.

Haven't you father Roman always said that it was our duty to convert the devil rather than flee away.

I don't know why at this point ending it all feels much easier than quitting the convent.

My heart is not filthy like yours.

I cannot leave with this guilt any more.

I wrote this letter to you hoping that it would at least make you mend your wicked ways and be the shepherd that you ought to be.

I do pray that the Lord's salvation will be with me.

I hope the next time I wake up I will be in heaven waiting for you.