Lovers

18

A Funeral on a Clear Day

On the way back from the funeral, I bought two bottles of strong liquor.

I ignored all the buzzing from my phone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I had hoped to see other team members at Jay’s funeral, but no one came. I looked around in case anyone was hiding, but there was no contact. If someone had run away, they would have come to the funeral. Even if they couldn’t attend, they surely would have watched from afar.

Are they gone, or do they think I’m in league with Layer and won’t contact me?

…But am I really not in league with him?

Can I be sure I’m not? If the Director eliminated our team and kept only me alive, what should I do? Should I be grateful? Or should I seek revenge?

My father’s face flashed through my mind. If I defy the Security Bureau, they’ll take my father at Romberg Cathedral and my siblings at the orphanage hostage. And that’s not all – my siblings from the orphanage would never be safe from retaliation.

I should never have joined the Security Bureau.

My subordinate is dead, and I can’t even question it. When the sun rises tomorrow, will I be able to visit the Director’s office like yesterday? Will I be able to speak in front of the Director? Could I point a gun and demand to know what happened to my team? I can’t do anything. If the Director refuses to answer about my team, citing that damned security clearance, will I be able to express my anger?

Or if I get an absurd answer, if they mention “treason” or something, can I protest?

I opened the bottle cap while standing on the street. Drinking on the street is illegal, but I didn’t care. I almost wished the police would arrest me. If I were thrown in a holding cell, at least Layer would be flustered.

I know it’s childish. But what else can I do that isn’t childish?

I could feel the liquor flowing down my throat. I had felt like vomiting all day, but now that I was drinking, I felt a bit better. Maybe because I was drinking on an empty stomach, my belly felt much hotter than usual. It wasn’t bad. It had been too cold.

As I walked unsteadily while drinking, everyone passing by looked at me strangely. Homeless people were watching me with meaningful eyes. Were they planning to rob me? Ah, I’d be grateful if they started a fight. Maybe a brawl would make me feel better. But even the thought of wanting to feel better is so selfish.

I thought they would surely jump me and take my wallet, but the homeless people didn’t attack. I don’t know why. I even smiled when we made eye contact. I was disappointed by their cowardice. I was disgusted by my own pettiness. I drank more and kept walking. I wished this road would never end.

When I arrived at the apartment in Sengke, I couldn’t go in and just stood looking at it. It was absurd that I had come back to this apartment for the operation. I couldn’t run to Layer. In the end, I came back here to participate in the operation…

Damn, I can’t go in.

The first bottle was already empty. As I was about to open the second bottle and drink, someone grabbed my wrist. I must be quite drunk. I didn’t even notice someone approaching.

“Armin.”

The man was wearing a suit. His black padded jacket looked like a coat at first glance, and he was wearing black leather gloves. His face was pale, but his cheeks were slightly red. As if he had been standing in the cold for a long time.

His long hair was swaying in the winter wind. His black eyes felt deep even though they were fake. Right, what’s the use of fake and real. There’s nothing real here. The real ones have all been killed.

“Today, I…”

I know it’s not your fault, Riegel. But today, I really feel like killing anyone associated with words like “operation” or “Security Bureau”.

“Today, I…”

As I repeated the same words, he looked down at me and smiled gently. It wasn’t mocking or teasing. He smiled kindly and carefully, like a paramedic at a disaster site, and said,

“It’s okay.”

No, nothing is okay. I want to kill myself. I can’t forgive myself for not doing anything now.

I don’t know what expression I had on my face. But Riegel patted my wrist with his fingers. It’s okay, it’s okay. He seemed to tell me several times. He quickly looked over my attire and asked in a low voice.

“Are you coming back from a funeral?”

He seemed to have guessed from my unusually formal black suit. I didn’t answer. But he nodded as if he understood my feelings.

“The weather was nice today.”

What nonsense.

“It’s hard when it rains or snows on the day of a funeral… but there’s nothing worse than a funeral on a clear day.”

He spoke as if he was genuinely disgusted, not trying to comfort me. Yes, that’s right. The sky was too beautiful. Damn, someone died, was murdered, and the sky was too clear. Without any conscience.

Riegel muttered,

“When the sky is clear on the day you send off someone you care about, don’t you want to kill everyone? You feel this unbelievable feeling – why is the world so peaceful?”

I wanted to tell him to stop talking nonsense and go away, but for some reason I was captivated and listened. Riegel was talking while recalling a memory. So he was remembering a funeral he attended on a clear day in the past.

Strangely, it comforted me a little. Just a tiny bit.

“Killing everyone, that’s quite extreme.”

At my words, Riegel said, “You’d be surprised if you knew how extreme I can really be.” His voice was playful and teasing as usual. But his fingers were still patting my wrist. Pff. I laughed. Or was it just air escaping? I’m not sure.

“You don’t know how extreme I can be either, Mr. Riegel.”

“I’d like to know.”

“…I think I should go in now. I’ve had too much to drink.”

I took Riegel’s hand with my empty hand and removed it from my wrist. While Riegel stared blankly at his hand that I had removed, I passed by him and climbed the stairs leading to the apartment entrance. When I was halfway up the stairs, Riegel called out to me.

“Armin.”

The way Riegel called my name felt somewhat unfamiliar. He held out what he was carrying. It looked like alcohol. It seemed quite expensive, different from what I had bought at the convenience store. It was in a long, narrow paper bag made for alcohol, so it was impossible to check the contents from a few steps away. But judging by the department store name printed on the shopping bag, it looked expensive.

“On a day like this, you should get drunk.”

At his words, I held up the plastic bag I was carrying.

“I have some.”

It’s not expensive, but it’s the alcohol I bought. …Damn, does this mean it’s alcohol bought by selling my team members’ lives? I don’t want to be negative, but today I just can’t think positively.

As my face clouded over, Riegel strode over. He stood one step below me and pressed his shopping bag into my hand.

“It looks like you didn’t buy enough to me.”

He turned around and went down the stairs. But he stood right in front of the stairs, looking up at me. As if he would watch me go in.

Behind him, I could see a limousine and an SUV. He really is from a different world.

If he’s doing illegal business with Canaris, I have nothing to be sorry about. Supporting those Canaris bastards is only proof that he’s crazy. How many ordinary people have the Canaris guys killed or ruined? Hundreds? Maybe over a thousand?

He supports such people? To make more money? To gain power? Or for some ideology? Unforgivable.

But if he’s an ordinary person, he’s just shown me kindness. Of course, he teased and mocked me a bit, but can that really be called sexual harassment? I didn’t feel shame. I wasn’t hurt. If we call that sexual harassment, it would be an insult to all victims suffering from real sexual harassment. One of my siblings is such a victim. So I know that pain indirectly. Therefore, what he did to me can only be called flirting or teasing at most.

But if he’s an ordinary person, what I’ve done to him… Approaching him while hiding my identity and trying to infiltrate a group using his kindness is not something that can be forgiven. Just because the purpose is noble, we can ignore the means? Only the victims themselves can say such things. No one else should spout such nonsense.

I don’t know why he’s being kind to me, but this kindness is pure.

“It’s snowing.”

Riegel pointed to the sky. Feather-like snow was filling the quiet night. I thought Riegel’s kindness was like snow. The clean part. And how it gets a little dirtier every time I receive it – it was too similar.

No, damn it. I’m being too negative now. Stop being sentimental and just drink and sleep. It’s not like the dead will come back, and it’s not like I can solve this situation.

“I’ll drink it well.”

Riegel nodded at my words.

“You’ll sleep deeply when you drink. Sleep and wake up.”

It sounded like he was saying another day will come when you wake up. I nodded and turned around. I could feel Riegel’s gaze, but I didn’t look back. I opened the front door with my key, went in, and as I climbed the spiral staircase, I looked up at the ceiling.

The red roses hanging from the vines looked as if they were bleeding.

As I stared blankly at that, I thought I shouldn’t be standing in the middle of the stairs while drunk. I walked unsteadily, then looked up at the ceiling again because I wanted to see it once more. The falling roses were heartbreakingly beautiful.

I came into the house and opened the alcohol Riegel gave me. The bottle was quite heavy, clearly expensive alcohol. The bottle was very elegant. I opened the cap and drank straight from the bottle. I thought it would be nice to just die while drinking.

I can’t choose revenge.

I have too much to protect. So…

The alcohol fills my body. Yes, that’s it. Riegel is right. The more alcohol, the better. Because it’s a day to get drunk.

It was too cold and long a night to stay sober.