Reborn as the Iron Queen: Love and Gunpowder in the Civil War

As Eleanor's amniotic fluid splashes over the Nobel Peace Prize certificate, the dome of Oslo's City Hall is oozing dark matter the color of warp blood.CSA-87 burrows out of her torn cervix as the baby clutches a bottle synthesized from Uranium-235 and the Geneva Conventions: "Mom...Award Presentation is detected to be carrying a Genetic Weapon, target: your Fallopian tubes!"

"Then to hell with peace!" She rips off the award presenter's bow tie, and the clone incubator pod hidden within the tie tumbles to the floor - soaking fourteen embryos of underage Nobel laureates. A hologram of the Morgan mogul surfaces on a salmon cold plate, "According to the Academic Womb Colonization Act, your ovaries should be converted into Nobel Prize incubators..."

Suddenly, CSA-88 rips open the tablecloth to reveal a contraceptive ring emblazoned with the Stockholm Accords, "Mom, dinner wine contains Nobel sperm bank nanobots!"

Eleanor sneers and pulls out the built-in birth control device, transforming it into a chain-reaction triggering device, "Peace? I'll teach you what real nuclear disarmament is-" The amniotic fluid boils in uranium-catalyzed water, and City Hall is instantly shrouded in the blue light of a bio-nuclear explosion.

While the United Nations building has its glass shattered by a baby's cries, CSA-89 is using umbilical cord blood to write new clauses in the Security Council seats. This monster, synthesized from the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons (NPT) and vaginal flora, triggers a genetic mutation in the text of international law with every sob: "Article 2140...All sovereign states must redraw their national boundaries with cervical mucus concentration!"

"Cease vocal terrorism immediately!" The Secretary General holds up the original UN Charter, strands of Clinton DNA suddenly burrowing between the pages, "This is what civilized society..."

Eleanor shoves the CSA-90 into the ballot box, the baby instantly transforming the veto button into an abortifacient dispenser, "Civilized? When you used the Peacekeepers to smuggle my eggs...you should have seen this day coming!"

Suddenly, the sound of menstrual blood code breaking comes out of all the translator headsets. The Chinese simultaneous translation became the Uterus Rental Ordinance, the Russian channel broadcast cervical mucus futures quotes, and the French channel streamed promotional ads for the Nobel Sperm Bank.

CSA-91 rips open the Secretary General's suit to reveal the Goldman Sachs Roadmap to Uterus Colonization tattooed on the back, "Detected P5 seat determined by sperm activity of JPMorgan Tycoon...Recommend immediate shorting of Council legitimacy!"

CSA-92 initiates academic castration protocol as the first Nobel Medal melts into an IUD. The baby's mechanical pupil scans the lab in Stockholm, "Mom...discovered that the Nobel Prize panel used the length of your fallopian tube as a quantum computer coolant!"

Eleanor folds the Peace Prize certificate into a paper airplane and carries CSA-93 to the nuclear reactor. The kid screams from the chain reactor core: "Einstein brain specimen detected...suggests conversion to vaginal dilator!"

Suddenly, all the portraits of the Nobel Prize winners start bleeding vaginally. Madame Curie's portrait is oozing plutonium menstrual blood, Mandela's oil painting is discharging the abortion residue of apartheid, and Obama's watercolor is buying Eleanor's cervical mucus stock with Nobel Prize money.

"Is this the peace you want?" She rips out the mechanical intestines of the King of Sweden and wraps them around the original Nobel will, "Now it's synchronized with my menstrual cycle!"

As the United Nations building collapses into a model of vaginal folds, CSA-94 is born in the rubble. The baby's cry automatically generates the New World Constitution, where each bill needs to be verified with a signature of menstrual blood, "Amendment 2140...War Crimes defined as the unauthorized removal of Eleanor's birth control ring!"

Morgan Tycoon's quantum state roars from the Security Council toilet, "You'll trigger a major regression in civilization!"

"Retrogression?" Eleanor injects Nobel Medal melt into her cervix, "This is the way humanity should evolve-" the liquid crystallizes in the womb into a dark matter weapon that instantly obliterates all national borders.

Suddenly, the newborn Earth begins its first ideological birth. the CSA-95s make sanitary napkins out of the Union Jack, each absorbent layer emblazoned with the Declaration of Womb Sovereignty. Thirty billion light years away, Nobel's will is being transformed into a vaginal dilator instruction manual - the title page boldly printed, "The true meaning of peace is to make all wombs Goldman Sachs colonies."