MTLNOVEL Chapter 232: Chapter 69:『Liar』
The feeling of the hard ground, cold as always, brought Subaru back to his senses.
Lying face down with his eyes open, Subaru raised his torso and spat out the dirt and gravel that had entered his mouth. He spat at the smell of earth and looked around, only to find his vision blurred in the dim light.
--The chamber of trials in the tomb.
Subaru's world begins again in the same place as it ended.
While Subaru feels relieved to be back, he is also overcome with a sense of oppression at having to face a world that may once again become hell.
Sensing that his thoughts were heading in a dead end, Subaru shook his head in refusal.
Then he stood up, brushed the dirt off his body, and looked around until he found Emilia lying in the corner of the room.
"..."
Subaru called out, and was about to run over to her, but for a moment he hesitated.
What flashed through his mind was the image of Emilia, just before he returned - holding the disappearing Subaru on her lap, and kissing him without noticing his disappearance.
Subaru unconsciously touches his lips with his fingers and frowns at the dry feeling.
Even in his final moments, Subaru had been vomiting blood, his face heavily soiled. There was no way he could understand Emilia's feelings when they kissed, but it certainly wasn't something to be fondly remembered.
The same was true for Subaru, who was on the brink of death; even though he was able to recall the events themselves, he was unable to carry over their sensations or feelings.
Subaru's first kiss in his life, and his first with Emilia, was interrupted by the impermanence of "death", and left no emotion whatsoever.
"――――"
However, Subaru's hesitation wasn't because he was disappointed.
The recollection of the kiss is not a recollection of memories, but rather a sense of crisis at the transformation of Emilia who had done so. - The image of Emilia who had become dependent on Subaru and escaped from reality.
With Puck not showing up, and unable to bear the pressure from the villagers and residents of Sanctuary, and with Subaru no longer her support, Emilia's heart was broken.
If that appearance is the result, then what was Emilia like in the previous loops?
"..."
Subaru had left the Sanctuary four times to return to the mansion. Of those, he had only returned once and been reunited with her - but what had become of Emilia on the other three occasions?
In all other cases, the Sanctuaries had already been attacked by the Great Rabbit.
Even if Emilia had been mentally balanced, it can be inferred that she would not have been able to resist the fierce power of the demonic beast. But what was going on in her heart?
"Whatever would have happened, shit like that... If it would have been like that without me, then it couldn't have been possible without me..."
There is no reason to be optimistic about the situation.
There's no point relying on the future and trying to gloss over things that you might overlook.
In order to grasp the best possible future, we must always anticipate the worst possible future.
The world prepares Subaru for the cruellest and most unreasonable fate.
If that was the case, then the existence of Emilia, Beatrice, Elsa and Roswaal were naturally arranged in a way that would be most difficult for Subaru to handle.
"What I have to do is..."
He must save Emilia's heart, save those connected to the Sanctuary from the threat of the Great Rabbit, and save his friends at the mansion from Elsa's tyranny. It's a long and difficult road.
-Can you do it?
The weak part of me asks me to prepare an escape route, an excuse, a defensive line.
--It's not a question of whether you can do it or not, you just have to do it.
Baring his fangs at his own weakness, Subaru speaks of his determination not to go back on his promise.
Simply pick out the problem or obstacle, clarify the conditions for clearing it, create a timeline, figure out how to best use your time, and try again and again.
Even if Subaru's heart was worn down with each failure, if it meant he could grasp a future, he would be happy. No matter how much he had to see something he didn't want to see.
that's why--,
"--Emilia. Are you okay?"
He reached out and shook the shoulders of the girl he loved as she lay there.
Her closed eyelids trembled at the touch of Subaru's fingers, and Emilia's consciousness was pulled from the world of the Trials, from the past, back to reality.
Her eyes opened, and the amethyst glow reflected Subaru, and within a matter of seconds tears welled up in her eyes, and Emilia, denying her past, clung to him.
And so, he embraced Emilia, who needed his support, and while he vowed in words to be her support, he also made a firm promise in his heart.
--Protect Emilia and save everyone.
No one else. Natsuki Subaru has to do it.
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Organize the information that was too confusing to summarize at the end of the previous loop.
Perhaps the most important of these is Roswaal L. Mathers.
Roswaal fell victim to the fangs of the great rabbit and lost his life in front of Subaru.
Roswaal knows about Subaru's "Return by Death."
Although he does not realize that "death" is the trigger, he knows that he is "starting over."
It is unclear whether he found this out after coming to the Sanctuary, or if it had been there even before then, but even this was likely recorded in the Gospel that Roswaal possessed.
In the previous loop, the Gospel in Roswaal's possession could not be retrieved.
If it was in the rabbit's bosom, then it was inside the rabbit's stomach along with Roswaal's body. Even if it was in the temporary accommodation where he was recuperating, Subaru didn't have the presence of mind to rush in to check.
Therefore, I cannot go into the details of the description.
--What is Roswaal's ultimate goal?
If he was acting according to the Gospels, then what was his motive for giving up his life at the end? The answer to that question is also likely to be found in the contents of the Gospels.
Roswaal is probably risking his life to abide by the gospel's instructions.
It is not known what form the writings in Roswaal's Gospel will take, but it is likely the same as the gospels of Betelgeuse and others in that acting according to the writings will be a guidepost that will lead to the desired future.
When the Witch Cult Gospels deviated from their descriptions, I think Petelgeuse would use his own judgment to add a certain degree of interpretation to the descriptions, in order to make the books balance out in the end.
Roswaal, on the other hand, is different.
Roswaal is able to act with the ability to "do over" in mind, and if a future occurs that is different from what was written, he can pay with his own life to make that changed time disappear.
Even though things differ from what was described, Petelgeuse deals with the situation flexibly.
Roswaal will not tolerate any deviations from the description and is adamant that it be abide by it.
Although they have in common the fact that they are troublesome opponents who possess the Gospels and share the same motivation to realize the contents of the Gospels, the ways in which they approach them are completely different.
Between the way Petelgeuse was dependent and the way Roswaal was dependent, Subaru couldn't help but think that Roswaal was the worse of the two.
--The problem lies in the contents of Roswaal's Gospel.
If the outcome of the incident that had befallen the Sanctuary and the mansion was recorded there, then the tragedy would likely be repeated again and again until Roswaal reached his desired conclusion.
Even in the case of the snowy scenery in the previous Sanctuary, it can be assumed that Roswaal acted to make the descriptions in the Gospels come true. In other words, that snowy scenery is a phenomenon that should occur every time.
The reason Subaru hadn't encountered it before was because he had never had the experience of leaving the Sanctuary and returning to the mansion, and then returning to the Sanctuary again.
Roswaal's snowfall on the Sanctuary was a way to isolate Emilia.
What on earth is the point in that?
The unbearable pressure from those around her would have eaten away at Emilia without her having to resort to such roundabout tactics. Emilia, with her strong sense of responsibility, was keenly aware of the expectations of those around her, and gritted her teeth in the face of anxiety and feelings of helplessness as she continued to take on the challenge.
If Subaru wasn't there to lean on, she would lose her footing and become desperate.
Perhaps Roswaal's goal is to make Emilia give up in desperation.
However, if Emilia were to stop acting "for someone else", the "Sanctuary" would not be liberated. Not being liberated would mean losing the option to "flee" when the Great Rabbit approaches.
There are many contradictions between Roswaal's actions and his attitude towards Emilia.
And above all, the last words uttered by Roswaal before he was devoured.
-- Strip away everything except what is truly important to you.
That's what Roswaal muttered.
He also said that if I did that, I would become like him.
Whether or not one wants to be like Roswaal, if one looks into the meaning behind his words, it turns out that in order to stand there, Roswaal had stripped away everything except the things that were important to him.
In fact, he was even prepared to sacrifice his life for this - there was no room for doubt.
If he could force her to abide by the instructions, isolate Emilia, and resolve the situation the way he desired, perhaps Roswaal would be able to obtain the one and only thing that was important to him.
Or what was Roswaal's true intention when he told Subaru that?
in any case--.
"I absolutely refuse to let you go."
Emilia is important.
But, of course, there were countless things that Subaru wanted to protect and those he wanted by his side.
Subaru's small world would become much more bleak if just one part was missing.
Subaru, being greedy and self-centered, seemed unable to bear it no matter what.
That's why I can't listen to what Roswaal has to say.
"Roswaal, I will not become like you."
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Subaru somehow managed to calm the crying Emilia down, and left the tomb with her, who was now asleep.
While the people waiting for them are shocked by Emilia's failure in the Trial and her condition, they first move to Lewes' house to let Emilia rest, just as they always have.
Along the way, Subaru found himself feeling a pang of pain when Garfiel deliberately tried to act cheerful out of consideration for the atmosphere, and he noticed Lewes giving him meaningful looks, but Subaru didn't mention any of it.
The former is left alone in order to check what I want to check later.
As for the latter, Subaru already knew vaguely what that gaze meant.
"Please lend me your face for a bit."
Leaving the sleeping Emilia in Ram's care, they had just about dismissed for the night when Garfiel called out to Subaru. Subaru, who had anticipated the call, answered obediently with a "Yes," and was led by the short figure in front of him into the forest on the outskirts of the Sanctuary.
He couldn't tell if the place was the same as the one where he'd been summoned before, but he could tell that the expression on Garfiel's face as he looked at Subaru was the same as before.
Garfiel glared at Subaru, his eyes shining brightly.
This was a stark difference from the atmosphere they had right after they left the tomb, and was clearly a sign that they viewed Subaru as an enemy.
Naturally, the first question he asked was――,
"You..."
"What did you see in the tomb?"
Veins sprung up on his forehead as he was interrupted, and Garfiel's eyes widened as he heard the very thing he had been about to say said.
Surprisingly, when she showed that taken-off expression, the harsh impression she had given off up until then was wiped away, and strangely enough, a somewhat childlike aura was revealed.
Seeing Subaru with one eye closed, Garfiel quickly shook his head and, as if regaining his composure, clicked his fangs,
"That's a bit creepy, but if you already know then let's get to it. Don't hide anything and just tell me the truth. If you don't want to get hurt then that is."
"That's right. I have a lot of things I want to confirm, and I'm quite busy. I don't mind answering your questions, but in return, could you answer some of my questions as well?"
"Do you think I was in a position to offer you any terms of exchange? I was the one who was going to eat you, and you were the one offering up meat other than yourself to avoid being eaten. It's like, 'Mae-Jie offered up his younger brother after his older brother.'"
"That's the most unpleasant phrase you've ever said."
Subaru shrugged in response, lowering his gaze for a moment and choosing silence.
Garfiel seemed impatient, but didn't rush Subaru. Subaru took a deep breath and decided on his response.
"I underwent a 'trial' inside. I've seen the past."
"--! As I thought, you really have the qualifications... So, the result is..."
"It's a mistake. It's not that easy to deny or accept the past. … It's the same for Emilia."
In the first half he tells the truth, and in the second half he tells a lie, observing Garfiel's reaction.
Garfiel's face went white when he heard that Subaru had undergone the Trial, but when he heard that it hadn't led to a breakthrough, his shoulders slumped in relief.
"You look quite relieved."
"Oh...?"
Subaru: "He was accepting Emilia's failure, and the fact that 『Sanctuary』 would not be liberated, with a gleeful look on his face, or so I thought."
Garfiel, who had been frowning, snorted as if he had realised what Subaru had said. He lowered his posture slightly and glared up at Subaru from below,
"What did you do in the past... No, what did you ask me during the Trial...?"
"The origins of this 'Sanctuary', some background information. And about you and Lewes, I guess."
"--! Don't tell me... you, my..."
Subaru anticipates Garfiel's reaction, wondering if he's found out about his past, and shakes his head.
Subaru hadn't delved into the details of the Trial that he was concerned about.
just,
"I don't know what you've seen in the past. But I have an idea why you're keeping quiet about the Trial you underwent."
"...Even something like that."
"I have some guesses, though. You can get angry if I make too many wild guesses."
Subaru and Garfiel's relationship in this world has only lasted a day.
After this, most of the information Subaru learns from his contact with Garfiel is still far from being at the stage where he would normally be able to hear it.
Of course, the same can be said about Lewes Meyer herself, who lies dormant in the experimental site.
Therefore, Subaru sees this as an opportunity to gain knowledge within the tomb, and tries to get through it by dangling the handy "Trials" and Echidna's presence.
At the moment, Subaru can't think of any new information he might gain from talking with Garfiel, or any new developments he might make in the future.
Right now, I just wanted to end this conversation quickly.
Howeverーー,
"Hey, why don't you try the Trial again?"
"――――"
Subaru asked the silent Garfiel again.
Hearing this, Garfiel bows his head, refusing to show any expression to Subaru.
His arms hang limp, his guarded posture relaxed and limp.
So, he had judged that there would be no immediate attack.
"I can't help but feel that your actions are inconsistent. You push Emilia forward in an attempt to free 'Sanctuary', yet you act relieved when you fail. On the other hand, if you are serious about preventing the liberation of 'Sanctuary', then your methods are half-hearted."
If Garfiel was ultimately not thinking about the consequences, he should have transformed into a beast and taken the lives of Subaru and Emilia.
Naturally, this would leave the refugees and Roswaal and his group feeling terrible, but if Garfiel's goal was truly to hinder the liberation of Sanctuary, this would be the surest and quickest way to do it.
And yet Garfiel holds back from doing so until the very last moment - that is, until Subaru crosses the line of allowing the refugees to leave the Sanctuary.
--There's a boundary within Garfiel that Subaru doesn't yet know about.
If you could see it clearly,
"I was hoping to borrow your strength as well."
"--Don't say that, idiot."
Garfiel's voice broke as he retorted to Subaru's words.
Garfiel looked up, but shook his head with a look that was completely devoid of his usual energy,
"Just like you said, your interests don't overlap with mine. I won't actively get in the way, but I won't actively help you either. I'm neutral. Being neutral is fine."
"Are you aware that standing in that position doesn't really suit you?"
"It's not a question of whether it suits me or not. I do it because it's necessary."
Saying something so uncharacteristic of him, Garfiel kicked the ground in annoyance, kicking up a cloud of dust as he turned his back on Subaru.
"If that half-demon wants to overcome the 'Trials' then that's it. Having been drawn inside, even I understand that in order to get out, I need to overcome the 'Trials'. --But whether or not I will follow him outside the opened 'Sanctuary' is another matter."
"..."
"If you want to leave, then you're free to do so. But don't try and do anything inside. Don't you dare step any further into our area. If you do that, I won't do anything either."
"You know what, we need your help out there?"
"…You guys can never provide me with what I want. This is the end of my story. Stop doing unnecessary things."
Garfiel doesn't listen to Subaru's reasoning, but after speaking somewhat rationally, he leaves the place.
Up until now, Garfiel had shown a strong attitude of refusal to engage in in-depth conversation, but this time he didn't attack Subaru.
What is the difference, what is the true meaning?
"There are so many things I want to think about...but"
Sticking his fingers through his black hair, Subaru merely kept the confusing information in his head.
I would love to put it all together, organize it, put it all together, and come up with an answer.
"Even if you think about it alone, you won't get anywhere."
If he gets lost in the labyrinth of his thoughts, Natsuki Subaru will once again be caught in a negative spiral. To prevent this from happening, what Subaru needs now is...
"Can I rely on you again...?"
All he could think about was the only person in this world he could confide his troubles to.
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Subaru's feet swayed as if driven by an unbearable emotion.
After parting ways with Garfiel, my walking pace quickly turned into a run.
Subaru runs, breathing heavily, sweat on his forehead, and eyes trembling.
There is only one destination: inside the tomb, illuminated by the moon floating in the night sky.
It was after that previous exchange.
Since he said he wouldn't interfere with Subaru's actions, Garfiel wouldn't get in the way.
As Subaru rushed into the tomb once again, there was no one there to reproach him.
Once he reached the entrance, Subaru stopped and roughly wiped the sweat from his face with his sleeve.
Taking repeated deep breaths to calm his out of breath, Subaru turned forward and peered into the darkness inside the tomb.
His business was within that place - or perhaps the Abyss, the Castle of Dreams, in other words, Echidna's World.
"If you want to know..."
Upon being invited, the white-haired witch explained this to Subaru.
Subaru had come here with a feeling of desperation and faith in that.
There are so many things they want to ask, talk about, puzzle over, and help find answers for.
I want you to tell me things that only I can tell the Witch of Greed and show me the way.
What you have to do and what you want to do are aligned.
Now I just want an answer to how to make it happen other than worrying about it alone.
"――――"
Subaru went to Echidna's castle, poured out all of his worries and doubts to her, and clung to her mercy, which made him feel rather pathetic.
By confessing everything to Echidna and breaking the taboo, the possibility of the shadow of jealousy engulfing Sanctuary once again made his legs tremble.
But even so, Subaru hopes.
May the witch's guidance provide a clue to break through this impasse of invisible fate.
"As I am now... I should be able to meet the conditions."
Because I've gotten so lost.
That's how much I'm willing to try my best.
If she wasn't the Apostle of Greed that Subaru now desired and desired, then what was she?
I would sacrifice my life again and again. I would even sacrifice my pride if it meant I could.
Because that was the best that the pathetic, shameful, helpless and ignorant Natsuki Subaru could do.
"I'm counting on you, Echidna...!"
Taking a breath, Subaru quietly steeled himself, and stepped into the tomb.
Entering the Trial chamber, which had already accepted a challenger once tonight, Subaru looked around the square space and stepped into the center of the room.
"We'll have to decide where and what kind of ceremony is needed..."
The second time he was summoned to the dream, Subaru was sure that, apart from desperately wanting an answer, he was still in the same crawling position he had been in immediately after "Return by Death".
I don't think there were any special conditions that required him to give anything.
For the time being, Subaru knelt down, clasped his hands, and closed his eyes.
He pictured the image of the White Witch in his mind, and as he called out to her, he listed his own feelings, as if pleading with her to try his best to draw the hopes of a future that seemed hopeless.
"――――"
Subaru continued to wait in silence for time to pass.
The cool air of the tomb caressed my bare skin, and yet I could feel a cold sweat forming on my forehead.
I want it. I want it desperately.
I want it. I want it so badly.
What if you ask for it so much, desire it so much, and still can't get it?
--Isn't greed nothing more than an enormous desire that a person cannot handle?
"--Huh?"
Just before he was about to give in to weakness, Subaru closed his eyes and suddenly got the illusion that a white light was penetrating into the darkness behind his eyelids. --No, it wasn't an illusion.
"――――"
The white light invades my field of vision, and the world of pitch black is gradually encroached upon.
Before I knew it, my kneeling body had fallen to the ground, and I felt my consciousness detach from reality and being pulled into another world.
--The invitation to the castle of dreams begins.
Let's go to the castle where Echidna awaits, and there, this time, we'll have a discussion to seize the future.
In his hazy consciousness, Subaru only thought of that one thing――
"---Look at this impossible present."
The moment I lost consciousness, I thought I heard a voice like that.
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The feeling of being intoxicated had shaken all of Subaru's nerves.
I don't know what happened.
The awakening of consciousness came suddenly, like changing channels.
I switched my attention while still feeling the noisiness, as if the channel had been changed to one with a completely different atmosphere from the previous one.
Immediately after "Return by Death", Subaru felt a similar sensation.
The discrepancy between the brutality of the world just before his death and the situation immediately after his "Return by Death" not only affected Subaru's consciousness and physical state, but also imprinted a sense of incongruity on his soul.
『――――』
And when Subaru wakes up, he tries to speak but realizes that no sound comes out.
I tried to put my hand to my throat, but belatedly realized that I had no sensation in my throat or my hand.
『---?』
Subaru no longer had hands, feet, eyes, mouth, or even a body.
Only his consciousness floats in the air, looking down on the world as if he were merely a being with a viewpoint.
It's an unnatural, disembodied sensation, like being in a dream.
And yet, it doesn't feel like this is the first time I've been in this state, perhaps because it feels like a dream.
Thinking like that, Natsuki Subaru tried to separate his consciousness from the scene before his eyes.
But that was impossible.
Subaru, without a body, is not even permitted to turn his head or close his eyes.
All I could do was look at the scene before my eyes - the scene that was being burned into my consciousness whether I liked it or not.
"--moon"
The voice was small and husky.
His voice was so weak it was hard to hear what he said.
And yet,
『――――』
I realized it intuitively.
Subaru, who was only conscious of this, instinctively knew that this was bad.
It was a voice that should not be heard.
It was something I shouldn't have noticed.
There was something there that I shouldn't know.
But no matter how much his mind thought that, the burned-in image did not change. It would not disappear. It simply forced that "result" onto Subaru, imprinting it into his mind.
"Liar... liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar..."
The repeated words, the inaudible words taking on a clearer shape, and the sounds that are muttered as if they have forgotten to end begin to mix with tears.
It was a painful sight, and an ear full of agonizing sorrow. To see it and to hear it is the best of all sufferings in the world.
『――――』
Why am I here now?
How did I come to realize this?
I screwed up. I was wrong. I made a lapse in judgment. I should never have known. I should never have known. I should never have had to face this.
--Unless you think otherwise, then I am.
"Liar, liar! Subaru's... a liar! You're lying!"
Emilia yelled as tears flowed from her amethyst eyes and she collapsed.
As if to denounce the betrayal, as if to deny the nightmare before her eyes, Emilia screamed in a frenzy, shaking her long hair like a child.
--In front of Rem, who was lying on the bed, the corpse of Subaru, who had committed suicide by stabbing himself in the neck with a dagger, was laid out in front of the crying Emilia.