Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu web novel

The moment he heard that confession of love, how should he describe the shock that ran through Subaru's entire body?

　Subaru was struck by the illusion that lightning had shot through him from the top of his head to the soles of his feet.

　Subaru's skin felt goosebumps, as if all his pores had opened up, and the blood in all his veins felt as if it was boiling. His heart was beating fast and his body from the neck up was dyed crimson red, and he took a heavy breath and stepped back.

　I can't just stand here like this.

　Standing here, I can feel his breathing, I can feel his fingertips.

　If you don't create some distance before reason suppresses your instincts, things will get out of control.

　Once that happens, Subaru will be swept away by "love"--

"Stop it..."

"I love you."

"Stop it..."

"I will always love you, and only you"

"I told you to stop--!"

　Shaking his head and brushing off his arms, Subaru averted his attention from the hot, entangled gaze.

　Subaru still couldn't see the expression on Satella's face, and therefore had no idea what kind of heat she was gazing at him with.

　And yet, the hot beating of Subaru's heart showed no sign of stopping.

　By consciously suppressing those feelings, desperately raising his voice, and spitting blood in his rejection, Subaru was able to maintain his integrity.

　Unless I made a literal effort to stay conscious, I was certain that the very foundation of my existence would be distorted.

　Satella just stood there facing Subaru as he made this clear, acting as if he hated her so much, and hammered that truth into her.

　His expression was invisible, shrouded in a veil of darkness, and he couldn't understand it. But even though he shouldn't be able to understand, Subaru could tell that Satella had been hurt by what he had just said, and had lowered her eyes. Somewhere in his heart he wanted to gently stroke her hair, speak words of comfort to her painful profile, whisper words of love and make her smile.

　Even though he was denying it so much, his heart continued to tell him to "love" Satella.

「You… who are you?! What have you planted in my body?! Have you planted something in me that can control my mind, just like the seed of 『Return by Death』?!」

　Subaru takes out his distrust for his own heart that does not follow his will on Satella.

　Now, his own heart had suddenly begun to react in ways he could never understand. If a witch with supernatural powers was meddling in even the strongest emotions he possessed, it was simply horrifying.

　Twisting people's hearts at will - that is the lowest act of being subhuman.

　For Natsuki Subaru, the first ray of light he found in this world was his "love" for Emilia.

　For Subaru, who was fumbling around and had nothing to rely on, the gratitude he felt for Emilia, who had first reached out to him in a difficult situation, and the memory of her saving his frayed heart, remained vivid even to this day, making her existence shine brightly.

　Subaru is caught up in a daily loop that begins with "death" and continues to repeat. As he struggles alone to overcome various difficulties, the number of things he wants to protect and the people who are important to him increases, and through his interactions with them, he accumulates words, bonds, and feelings, and the things he carries with him grow.

　Now, he can no longer lie and say that his feelings for Emilia are his only driving force.

　But, for Natsuki Subaru, Emilia was his first light. Satella forces Subaru to have the same kind of love for Emilia.

　Even though there is nothing between them - no words exchanged, no warmth shared, no time spent together, no bonds built up - they are trying to steal only ``love.''

　What can you call this other than horrifying?

"You and Echidna... you're both crazy! This place... there are only so many people here who don't understand! I'm sick of it!"

　Subaru let out a cry of disgust at the faceless witch standing in front of him, and the white-haired witch standing behind him.

　Both Satella, who tries to force an empty love upon him, and Echidna, who tries to entangle others with a curiosity that normal people could never sympathize with, are monsters beyond Subaru's understanding.

"It's upsetting to be lumped together with them. Even if you treat them as witches, to me they're even more vulgar than witches. I'm not wrong in saying that I can't understand them, though."

"Shut up. You were pretending to be sympathetic, but I haven't forgotten your wickedness... That's enough. There's no point in me being here. Let me out. I don't want to have anything to do with you guys anymore!"

　Cursing Echidna's words, Subaru holds his head and begs to be released from the castle of dreams.

　He didn't want to be in front of Satella and Echidna for even another second. Subaru had countless things he had to do, and now was not the time to add to them.

　I am not smart or omnipotent, so there is a limit to what I can handle. I am already faced with obstacles that exceed my capacity, so why do more and more problems keep being added?

"I won't need your help. I'll deal with all the outside problems myself. ーーThat's fine! I should have done that from the beginning…"

"And then he dies again and again, making many people cry while making the excuse that 'I had no choice but to do this to gather information'. Wow, that's amazing."

　As Subaru spoke his final words, Minerva, arms folded, snorted. When Subaru glared at her with just his eyes, Minerva's calm face turned red,

"What? Are you planning on saying something back?"

"What does that have to do with you? The pain, the suffering, the hurt, and the wear and tear caused by "Return by Death" are all my problems. You have no right to say anything about that."

"It's nice and easy to say you're prepared for the pain, the suffering, and the hardships. No matter how the people watching are feeling when they spit blood, their flesh tears, and their bones break, they can always use the excuse that they're the ones taking on the toughest parts."

"What did you say...?!"

Subaru: "If you suffer the most obvious, flashy, visible injuries, then those who suffer smaller wounds in the aftermath of your actions won't have to say anything. Because you're the one suffering the most. Because you're the one in pain the most. Because you're the one suffering the most… it's only natural that you would silence the complaints of those around you."

　Subaru was baring his fangs at Minerva, whose tone had become stronger as she spoke, and even he couldn't help but argue back at her malicious words.

"Me! Are you trying to say that I'm exaggerating and getting drunk on tragedy in order to silence everyone's words?! Are you saying that the impasse I'm in now is just for that kind of effect?!"

"It's not like that at all. However, concluding that 'it's better if I hurt everyone more than anyone else' is cowardly. I don't know about Echidna's dark side, and I can't understand Satella's roundabout ways, but... I find your twisted behavior far more disgusting than the witch's."

"――――"

"Above all, compared to my way of life, which is to hit and heal everything that hurts, your way of life is more than just the polar opposite; it's my nemesis. --This child, that's not reward enough."

　Pointing her small fist at Subaru, Minerva declared with a heavy breath. Then, she added a small murmur at the end of her sentence, and her blue eyes turned to Satella, who was standing next to her.

　Satella had been standing there, remaining silent ever since Subaru had yelled abuse at her. She made no indication of her opinion regarding the exchange, neither affirming nor denying it. Minerva could see that she was slightly narrowing her eyes, as if feeling lonely about this.

　But right now, Subaru didn't care about the fluctuations in their emotions.

"That's disgusting....unrequited...?"

　Subaru's shoulders trembled slightly as he looked down, catching Minerva mid-sentence. The trembling gradually grew stronger, and when he looked up, he was smiling.

　It was so ridiculous that I couldn't help but laugh.

"What's that? It's not weird or anything, but why did I choose to do things this way? Why did I start thinking in the distorted way that you're talking about? My methods and way of thinking are the natural outcome of what I have - isn't it?"

"――――"

"You! You! Did this to me!"

　Subaru lashes out in anger at Satella for trying to avoid responsibility by shouting and remaining silent.

　Subaru has come this far by accepting "Return by Death" and using that ability to overcome obstacles, despite facing many hardships along the way.

　Subaru had run this far, transforming the despair of "death" he had experienced so many times into the strength to take steps forward each time he engraved it into his soul.

　ーーNatsuki Subaru's scarred experiences had led him to this conclusion.

Emilia: "The only one who will be hurt and suffer! Everything, everything, it's just me! It would be great if it could be me alone! I grit my teeth, I bite back my anger, sadness, and everything, no matter how much pain I suffer and die, I won't let anyone else touch the fingertips of that despair! I'll be the only one who is hurt from start to finish, and that's fine! What's wrong with that!"

　By repeatedly using "Return by Death," one can find the best path through trial and error. It's just as Echidna said. Although he couldn't accept Echidna's invitation to take advantage of that resolve and satisfy his own curiosity, he could continue to challenge himself to do something similar on his own.

　Unlike Echidna, who tried to take unnecessary detours, Subaru was devoting his energy to finding the best route, so the number of retries he would have to make was far less than if he had gone with Echidna. Of course, he could imagine that it would still end up being an incredible number of times. But it was still worth the challenge.

　If a future where no one gets hurt lies beyond the outstretched hand of the wounded Subaru.

"I told you earlier that I don't understand, that I'm fed up with it. Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. There's not a single trace of lie in those feelings, but there were times when I was grateful to you. I forgot about that. Forgetting that too, I was the most ungrateful I could be."

"――――"

"There is only one thing I am grateful to you for. Thank you for letting me use 'Return by Death'. For that alone I am grateful. Without it, I wouldn't have been able to protect any of the things that are important to me. I will continue to rely on this power from now on. So for that alone I am grateful."

　We are already prepared to continue trying through trial and error.

　The option of running away from the fate that stands before him has disappeared long ago.

　Ever since the moment Subaru rejected her offer to take his hand and run away with him.

　There was no option to run away. The only option was to keep fighting. That was what she had sworn. That was what she expected of Subaru too. She believed. That Subaru would not run away, and would keep fighting.

　Subaru is a man who continues to stand up, otherwise he cannot continue to be Rem's hero.

"So I'm just grateful for the power you gave me. Thanks to it, even a person with no redeeming features like me was able to get out of a dead end situation…"

"--Don't."

"The situation, er..."

　Subaru was piling up the heat building up inside his chest as if he was letting it all out when suddenly Satella broke the silence and muttered something.

　Hearing a bit of that, Subaru's words slowed down. His face stiffened, and he repeated the words he had just muttered.

　What had just been said? As if it was something he didn't want to hear.

　As Subaru held his breath, Satella remained silent for a moment, then spoke once more.

"--Don't cry. Don't get hurt. Don't suffer. Don't make a sad face."

　Satella whispered to Subaru pleadingly.

　Subaru's heart trembled with emotion at the contents of that letter. It was a mixture of anger, surprise, and all sorts of other emotions he couldn't understand.

"You... you... that..."

　The swirl of emotions is so overwhelming that I don't know what to say.

　Subaru's throat was clogged with passion, and he opened and closed his mouth as he stared at Satella in shock.

　Satella continued to shake up Subaru, further increasing his agitation.

"So love me."

"Eh, so in the end it's that… You keep twisting my emotions like that, and ultimately, all you do is make me love you. Those words…"

"--different"

　Satella shook her head, interrupting Subaru's trembling words.

　He still couldn't see her expression, but Subaru could sense with his own skin how Satella was looking at him through the veil of darkness.

　--Satera, she is with Subaru now.

"--Love yourself more."

　He is surely looking at me with a loving expression.

※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※

　It took a considerable amount of time for the meaning of what was being said to sink in and for it to sink into my brain.

　And as soon as these thoughts permeated his brain, what took control of Subaru's heart was a formless, trembling wave of emotion.

"What are you saying?"

"...Don't get hurt. Take better care of yourself."

"You gave me the power of 'Return by Death'. This power you bestowed upon me gave me the way to move forward."

"--I love you. So you too, love and protect yourself."

"If I take this method away from myself out of self-pity, what will I have left?!"

　Subaru shouted, placing his hand on his chest as if to reject Satella's whispers of undying love.

"You know that too, right?! I have no powers! I have no wisdom, no techniques, no special powers, nothing! All I have is the 『Return by Death』 you gave me! So the only thing I can pay with is my life!"

"Don't be sad"

"I've already taken into account the possibility of suffering pain and even dying. That's fine with me, that's fine with me! If I'm the only one who has to suffer, then that's fine with me!"

"Don't suffer."

"I've been hurt more than anyone else, I've experienced more than anyone else, and if I act in a way that allows me to protect everyone, then no one else will have to suffer except for me! I don't want anything more than that!"

"don't cry"

"Who cares what happens to me?! No one is going to care what happens to someone like me!? No matter how broken I am, as long as everyone can reach the future safely, then that's fine…"

　After all, if Subaru hadn't continued to get hurt on the front lines like that――

"If we can welcome the future without anyone missing, then..."

　--Also, you might lose someone irreparably.

"...Rem isn't here."

"――――"

"If I was smarter, if I had more strength, if I didn't spare myself more, if I put myself on the line at the forefront... it could have been avoided."

　The sense of loss, the sense of despair he felt at that time, still binds Natsuki Subaru.

　So Subaru had chosen to continue fighting alone, without relying on anyone, even if it meant getting hurt. He believed that doing so was the right thing to do.

"You have to believe... that there's a way to make this happen."

　"Return by Death" is the means to solve everything.

　If he could just use it well, Subaru wouldn't lose anything.

　If I don't believe that, tell myself that, and convince myself that it's necessary to feel hurt, then how can I ever face that feeling of despair again?

"I...! I don't want to lose anyone again like I did with Rem――!"

　Grabbing his head, Subaru screamed, refusing to listen to anything he could hear.

　When he came to, he had collapsed to the ground. He had forgotten how to get away from Satella and retreated into his shell, shrinking into a tiny shell and denying her sweet whispers.

　It was poison. A deadly poison. To Subaru, Satella's entire existence was a poison that was trying to dissolve his will.

　Subaru had sworn that he would not give up, but his heart was cracking.

　The cold despair that seeped in through the crack brought back the sense of loss that he had felt that day, dealing a terrible blow to Subaru's heart.

"I'm not a child."

　A voice muttered softly.

　Seeing Subaru crying and crying, stubbornly sticking to the conclusion he had come to on his own and shaking his head in disapproval, the Witch, who had remained silent up until then, muttered something.

"Crying, yelling, whining and saying you don't want to, carrying it all on your own... it's like..."

"――――"

"---You're not a lonely child, are you?"

　Sekhmet commented on Subaru in a pitiful voice.

　The witches remain silent as Sekhmet murmurs and make no attempt to deny it.

　Seeing her like that, the words of the 『Witch of Sloth』 were all too accurate.

　Subaru's current appearance was so weak and childlike that it was almost pitiful to look at him.