Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu web novel

Immediately after realizing that oxygen was passing through his throat, Subaru coughed violently, as if to expel the blood clot that had remained in his trachea.

　He collapsed face up on the ground, breathing heavily, gasping for oxygen, for food to live.

　I don't have the time to feel ashamed of how I look.

　However, after biting off his tongue in the hope of death, his own weakness in clinging unhesitantly to the path to salvation that was flashing before his eyes felt extremely pitiful.

　but,

"To me..."

"--Yeah?"

"Is there any value in me living...? I can't die... other than dying and repeating the same thing... is there any value in me...?"

　He uses "Return by Death" to save everyone from the brink of despair.

　He believed that the value of Natsuki Subaru lay in the results he gained by paying for his life.

　But can I assume that this isn't the case?

Subaru: "Am I really okay with thinking that I, as a human, have any value other than 'Return by Death'? Is it okay to think that the people I love love me too?"

"...I don't know anything about that."

　Minerva turned her face away and answered Subaru's weak question curtly.

　Having lost her right arm and both legs, she deftly distanced herself from Subaru using only her left hand, then turned her face towards her own right shoulder and bit into it. Immediately afterwards, a drop of light regenerated Minerva's missing right arm.

　Minerva opened and closed the fist of her sleeveless right arm, then used both hands to strike the base of her legs - the legs that were missing from the thighs down - and both her legs regenerated just like her arms.

　Her skirt, which was already short, was now even more risqué, and her right arm was now exposed up to her shoulder, putting her in a very precarious position, but the ``Witch of Wrath'' Minerva was back in perfect condition.

　She stood firmly on her newly regained legs, crossed her arms and struck a pose that accentuated her ample chest, as she looked down at Subaru. And then,

"I don't know your worth. But that child wants you to stay alive… You saw that during the two 'Trials', right?"

"...But the second 'trial' is about my mistakes, the sins I've committed..."

"Are you stupid? That wasn't an attempt to make you take responsibility for the world's mistakes. It was to show you how much pain your mistakes caused, and who suffered as a result. —Isn't that the answer you wanted?"

"----fire"

　remember.

　The cries. The voices suppressing their regret. The strong voices sending them off. The usual gentle farewell.

　Those whispers of love and faith. Those initial words that gave Subaru the motivation to fight.

　It was a life I was supposed to have, where I had nothing.

　Subaru had thought that he had been summoned to this world with nothing, having missed out on what he should have had.

　The only way to prove my worth is to keep on resisting. To protect the precious things I gained while resisting, I have no choice but to continue walking alone.

　I had assumed that everything was given to me, but is it correct to say that this was not the case?

　Will you cry for me?

　Will you lament your lack of strength for my sake?

　Do you want to see the future with me?

　Will it give me the right to stand smiling next to the people I care about?

　A qualification that I don't know if it exists or not.

　But surely, once Subaru had reached the end of the path that he had stubbornly decided to walk alone until just a moment ago, he would no longer be allowed to have it.

　By the time you have forged a heart of steel and fought to the end with unwavering mental strength, you will surely no longer have the softness to smile.

　If so, can I believe it?

　Even if it means losing your own heart in exchange for gaining a future for your loved ones.

　Even if it means choosing to be so desperate to protect your heart that it stops you from moving forward.

　It's okay to have a greedy option that's neither one nor the other.

　Could he believe that there was a choice that would allow him to see a future with his loved ones as Natsuki Subaru, and that it was okay to hope for that?

"--I forgive you."

"――――"

　Subaru's thoughts were not spoken out loud, but simply shed tears.

　The timing was just right, as if it was transmitted as sound.

　Lying on the ground, Subaru moved his head and on the other side of Minerva he saw a face - kneeling on the grass, smiling, without even wiping the tears from her face.

　Subaru still couldn't see that face.

　Obscured by the veil of darkness, he still couldn't make out the expression on her face as she directed it at Subaru. But he could tell she was smiling.

　Echidna had said that the reason Subaru couldn't see her face was because he had not accepted her. The reason that he could only convey that when she smiled was because his subconscious had assumed that he could not see what she actually could see.

"You saved me. Therefore, I allow you to be saved. I hope that you will be saved."

　Realizing that Satella's words and voice were seeping into his cracked heart, Subaru covered his face with his arms. His face was already a mess with tears, and it couldn't possibly get any more pathetic at this point, but he didn't want to show it to anyone.

　After all that swearing, how could he possibly take comfort in Satella's words now, much less show any sign of softening in response?

　However, it was also true that Satella's mysterious words of "love" had made Subaru understand the true meaning of the "trials".

"... I was surprised that Minerva managed to get through Typhon and Sekhmet's obstacles, but personally I'm more surprised by what you two did."

　Echidna muttered softly, ignoring Subaru whose vision was obscured.

　Looking at Minerva, who had restored both her arms and legs, Echidna then turned her gaze in another direction - there she saw Typhon being held down by claw-like limbs extending from a black-painted coffin, facing the coffin's owners, Daphne and Sekhmet.

　Daphne let out a low, throaty laugh at Echidna's words. She tore the bottom part of her straitjacket and stuck out her tongue as she stepped barefoot on the grass.

"The one who is best matched with Tutu is Daphne, without a doubt. The Centipede Coffin is Daphne's limbs, without a brain, so it is the worst match for Tutu's power."

"Ugh, don't get in the way! Mmm! Ugh!"

"So, I see. So you, the main body, are the one keeping me in check, huh. I'm not Echidna, huh. I wonder why you would do something like that, huh. Unlike Minerva, I don't understand why you're taking my side, huh."

　Sekhmet roughly ripped out her excessively thick hair. With Typhon held hostage, it seemed she couldn't move carelessly either.

　In response to Sekhmet's question, Daphne shook her tied-up short hair and laughed, "No."

"Subaru, you know, he was really boastful to Daphne. Apparently, since he killed the White Whale, next up is the Great Rabbit, right? So, I thought that he should at least try and challenge it."

"That's an interesting idea. If he really wants to, it will certainly come true. You should know that as well...but do you want the Great Rabbit to be destroyed?"

"What? Once we separated them from Daphne, their hunger is unrelated to Daphne's. I don't know when they will perish, but... in that case, I might be interested to see how the Great Rabbit, who is the embodiment of Daphne's never-ending hunger, will end up."

　"Because," Daphne continued.

"If the end is fulfilled, it will be a blessing even to Daphne."

　For Daphne, who is constantly tormented by an insatiable hunger, satisfaction is a dream that will never be within reach.

　The rabbit is a reflection of her never-ending hunger, and can be considered an alternate self -- although Daphne herself has no such affinity to it.

　If the rabbit were to meet an end different from her own, would it be one of fulfillment or not? Was there a possibility that she herself could be fulfilled? She laughs, thinking that it would be rare for her to be interested in anything other than her appetite.

　Echidna nodded in satisfaction at Daphne's answer, then turned her head again. She was not heading towards Subaru, Satella, or Minerva. She was not heading towards Daphne, Sekhmet, or Typhon, who had been in a fierce battle with her, but towards a person who, like Echidna, was isolated from the group.

　Looking at the "Witch of Lust," Carmilla, Echidna gently stroked her own white hair,

"What about you, Carmilla? Do you have a reason like Daphne?"

"What... what do you want to say? Eh, Echidna-chan, huh...?"

"It's simple. —His consciousness, on the brink of death, called out to him just before it vanished. If you, who possess the authority of the 'Faceless Goddess', had done that, the outcome should have been obvious."

"――――"

"Your words must have meant everything to him. And you must have understood that. So I want to ask you: you must not have liked him. Why is that the case for you?"

　In response to Echidna's question, Carmilla put her hand over her mouth and looked around, directing her gaze at Daphne and Minerva, hoping that someone other than herself would follow up.

　However, there is no "Witch" here to be seduced by Camilla, who is loved by everyone.

　Camilla bit her finger reluctantly and looked at Echidna with tears in her eyes.

"There's really no reason, you know? Donna-chan was rejected by that girl, so I was more than satisfied... Even if everyone gets angry and fights about something, it won't spread to me, so... that's fine."

"just?"

"Ah, 'love' is important... right? It's no good to neglect it... n-no. Even if that girl... thinks she doesn't want to see it, 'love' is there... so she won't let it be denied. And I absolutely don't want to just borrow it."

　Camilla insisted on that last part very clearly, and Echidna shrugged.

　Then the "Witch of Greed" gave a wry smile and looked at each of the other witches,

"Sekhmet and Typhon tried to respect his will, while Minerva, wanting to respect life, healed him. Daphne cooperated in extending his life in order to see through his will to fight, and Carmilla used her Authority to teach him the love he had been turning his back on. ーーSo, everyone, although they each had their own opinions, were trying to help Natsuki Subaru."

　When Echidna commented on the witches' actions, the witches' expressions changed completely.

　Pride tilted its head, Sloth sighed listlessly, Wrath snorted and crossed its arms, Gluttony laughed as it bit one of the legs sticking out from the coffin, and Lust distorted its face in disgust.

　And Greed, having witnessed all of this, put his hand to his chin,

"It's interesting after all. Don't you think so?"

　Echidna relaxed her lips and smiled happily.

　The target of her words was directly in front of him - at Subaru, who was standing up unsteadily and unsteadily.

　Even now, wiping the still-dry tears from his eyes with his sleeve, Subaru was somehow managing to stand on his own two feet and didn't answer Echidna's question.

　He just looked at Echidna and the other witches with listless eyes. And then,

"You guys... seriously, what on earth are you?"

"――――"

"Curiosity. Sympathy. Pity. A sense of duty. Hope. Disgust. ...I can hardly understand the reasons why people side with me. I can understand why they call me a witch."

"I guess your energy has returned enough that you can swear now?"

"...I don't know."

　As Echidna closed one eye, Subaru placed a hand on his chest and muttered.

　The words that escaped him succinctly expressed all of Subaru's current feelings.

"I had already decided what I had to do. And what I have to do hasn't changed even now. There's no doubt about that. There's no doubt about it."

　But, Subaru continued, not for anyone else to hear, but as if to himself,

"I had decided that this was the only way to achieve that. I had decided to choose it...I was prepared to choose it. And yet, when I came to this place, that was shattered by the "Trial.""

　The second "Trial", this impossible present―― It confronted Subaru with the consequences of his actions, and tore his heart apart with the stark reality that he had been glossing over with the word "resolve".

　Even after being shown that, Subaru still sought solace in himself and tried to stick to his resolve. In fact, that was what he was going to do.

"But then I found out your true feelings, when I thought I could use your help, and then Satella showed up… my head is a mess. Don't you all come up with such selfish claims. I was the one who imposed my own responsibilities on myself. And yet…"

　What's the point of making someone cling to a life that should be considered expendable at this point?

　What's the point of teaching someone to cherish a life that is meant to be used up at this point?

　What should I do now, having been reminded that I was ever loved?

"Right now... I don't know what to do."

　Subaru's reason was telling him that he had to die to protect everyone.

　Subaru's memories tell him that there are people who are saddened by the way he cuts himself down.

　If you don't die, someone will be sad, but if you die, someone else will be sad.

"--Once again, I will ask you, Natsuki Subaru."

　As Subaru shook his head, unable to gather his thoughts, Echidna spoke in a lowered voice.

　When he raised his head, Echidna was standing right in front of Subaru, holding up one finger.

　When she saw Subaru's gaze reflected on her, she slowly nodded,

"If I cooperate with you, you will definitely reach a future where you can save the people you want to save. You will no longer need to worry. In extreme cases, I will be responsible for solving the problems you face. You just need to put it into practice with all your might, and focus on overcoming obstacles. If continuing to worry is too painful, then entrusting everything to me is also an option. I won't blame you for that, and in a way, I would even welcome it. So, once again, I ask you."

"――――"

"You don't know what to do, so will you let me take your hand? I promise I will definitely take you to the future."

　Echidna said gently, holding out her hand to Subaru.

　Subaru held his breath as he looked down at Echidna's white fingertips, waiting for an answer.

　It was the same thing I said when I had the refusal conversation earlier.

　At that time, Subaru had learned of Echidna's true nature, and had been frightened by her nerve, driven solely by her terrifying curiosity.

　But what about now? What if I took a moment to calmly consider what she had said?

　Treating life as a consumable item, he tries every possible method of trial and error, and forcefully breaks through the numerous obstacles that stand in his way with methods that could be called brute force. Subaru continues to fight despite being emotionally worn down after receiving Echidna's advice - how is that different from the way Subaru resolves to continue fighting alone, even if he refuses Echidna's cooperation?

　Stubbornly, and unable to bear the disgust at Echidna's attitude, Subaru rejected her.

　But, if he was truly prepared to throw everything away and sacrifice himself, he should have turned a blind eye to Echidna's true nature and used her as she had said.

　If he even denied that out of his own fastidiousness, and still insisted on taking the same path――then what was the point of Subaru's stubborn refusal?

　You should take that hand.

　If he was prepared to continue fighting without fear of getting hurt, swallowing the pain and suffering, then I should have taken his hand.

　that's why,

"Echidna"

"――――"

"I'm scared of getting hurt"

"――――"

Subaru: "I don't want to experience pain, suffering, or sadness. I don't want to feel pain, and I don't want to see anyone other than me suffer terrible things. ーーI don't want to die."

"――――"

"So, your hand, which is meant to be a sacrifice――I can no longer take it."

　Even Subaru doesn't fully understand what he can do.

　However, it no longer seems possible to choose the same path that Echidna has presented.

　I realized that I didn't want to die.

　I had always believed that the only way I could contribute was by dying, but I realized that there were people who would accept me even if I didn't die.

　Natsuki Subaru was not a man for whom "dying was the only thing of value."

　Those who mourned Subaru's "death" did not do so because they found value in his "death".

　If that was the case, then what was it that they were sorry about Subaru?

Subaru: "I still don't know what that is. --But I intend to find out. If I can find it, I feel like I can repay everyone in a way other than 'death'."

Subaru: "…But that is a thorny path, Natsuki Subaru. Recognizing "death" as a tool to open up a path, and proceeding even while tearing yourself down, that may be rough, but it is undoubtedly the shortest path to reach the future. All you had to offer was your heart. Denying that, and trying to take both your own heart and the future of someone important to you, is far too difficult, and above all else――"

　Echidna stopped speaking and took a breath.

　And then she smiled her sweetest smile ever,

"--Greed."

　Affirming desire, the ``Witch of Greed'' accepted Subaru's decision with a pleased expression.

　Subaru still couldn't understand why the witch was smiling happily even after his proposal was rejected. However,

"The only thing that's true is that you've almost saved me so many times. Even if deep down, you only think of me as an experimental animal or something, that much is true."

　It's true that there were times when Echidna's presence helped him overcome hardships.

　So I am truly grateful for the time I was given, giving me some time to protect my heart.

"--- Foolish and pitiful Garfiel is afraid of the outside world."

"...picture?"

"What she saw during the first Trial has been binding her ever since. If you are going to overcome the situation on your own, you will need to break that curse."

"Echidna?"

"The other witches have been nice to you, so it would be ridiculous if I were the only one who didn't offer you anything. I don't want you to think that 'all the witches were good at heart, but Echidna was the only one who was evil until the end'. After all, I am a girl, and the fact remains that I am nice to you."

　Echidna spoke quickly and lightly poked Subaru in the chest.

　Pushed backwards by the force of the blow, when Subaru raised his head, Echidna had her back to him. The "Witch of Greed" distanced herself from Subaru, her white hair shaking.

　The other witches also gazed upon Subaru silently.

"...To me, you guys are just people I can't understand."

"――――"

"You confused me so much that I thought I was going crazy, and even now I'm still angry at what you said to me. I've always thought, "Don't talk over my head about things I don't know about," and I can't bring myself to like you guys."

　That's the truth.

　Each and every witch had their own unwavering values, which were undoubtedly incompatible with Subaru's - no, with normal people.

　Therefore, Subaru cannot understand them, nor can he accept their actions.

　But, just like what I felt about Echidna, incomprehension and gratitude are two different things.

Subaru: "Thank you for trying to let me die. Thank you for not letting me die. Thank you for letting me hear your important voice. ーーThat is, thank you."

　I bow to each of the witches and take a pleasant breath.

　Subaru then turns around and starts walking.

　Up ahead, still kneeling on the grass, was the girl - Satella.

　She looked up at Subaru approaching her and her breath hitched in her throat.

　Subaru was speechless at her frightened appearance, just like a little girl.

　Why does a warm feeling fill my heart when I'm with someone I find repulsive?

　What kind of feelings do you continue to have towards someone you've never even come into contact with?

　This place had given Subaru too many unanswered questions.

　Unable to find any answers, Subaru chose to "continue to worry" and reached out his hand to the seated Witch.

　She looked at the offered hand in confusion.

"I... I don't understand who you are. I don't know why you say you love me, and when you say... I helped you."

"a..."

"But it's true that I've been helped by the 『Return by Death』 you gave me. It's also true that I've relied on it and somehow managed to get this far."

"――――"

"So, for me, 'Return by Death' is just one option...?"

"――――"

"And not relying on that is loving yourself... is that what you say?"

"――――"

Subaru: "I can't come to terms with it so easily. —But, there's no doubt that you, who gave me 『Return by Death』, made me not want to die."

　that's why,

"Like you said, I'll try to love myself a little more. Try to cherish myself. I don't know what will happen if I do that, but that's okay."

"...Are you okay?"

"Yeah...it's nothing compared to dying."

　Responding to Satella's worried voice, Subaru forced a weak smile.

　Seeing his expression, Satella took Subaru's hand in relief.

　Immediately afterwards, the sound of the world cracking struck Subaru's eardrums.

　The blue sky and green grassland fade away, and Natsuki Subaru is released into the castle of his dreams.

"---Are you going back outside?"

　I have no idea what I was doing, or how I got here.

　What should I do first when I go outside? Mental issues can make even that unclear.

"Don't worry alone. With people who care about you..."

"――――"

"Fight together with those who don't want you to die, and those who you don't want to let die. … And if you still can't reach that goal, don't forget to fear 'death' and die."

"――――"

"Don't forget that there are people who will be sad if you die---"

　The world crashes into pieces.

　Satella's voice was also growing distant, and it tore at Subaru's heart.

　Our joined palms felt awfully hot.

　I feel like I must never let go of this hand.

"--I am."

　There is no word to call out.

　He can't find the voice to call out to her, Satella. He can't bring himself to say her name, and the desire to reject her and the desire to accept her are torn apart.

　The sky is falling. The earth is cracking. Light is overflowing, and the surroundings no longer form a castle of dreams.

　The witches disappear, and Subaru and Satella are the only ones left in the world.

　It disappears. Then it begins.

　--Subaru stared at Satella in front of him, unable to say anything.

"――――"

　Suddenly, a veil of darkness fell.

　The jet black that Subaru's subconscious had denied, not wanting to see it, was wiped away.

　And when he saw the face peeking out from underneath it, Subaru gasped.

　As Subaru held his breath, Satella shook her silver hair, narrowed her amethyst eyes, and tears spilled from the corners of her eyes――,

"And someday - you'll definitely come and kill me."

　disappear.

　Lost.

　The world fades away, and even the girl in front of me disappears from view.

"I will definitely――"

　Subaru just gripped it tightly, as if to confirm the warmth of his palm,

"---I'll save you."

　That was all he said to the beloved girl who disappeared from his sight.