Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu web novel

　Feeling Roswaal's pressure piercing his skin, Subaru realised that what he had just said had touched upon the very heart of Roswaal's intentions.

　Roswaal's smile is the same as the one he had when he half-confessed his intentions to her in the snow, right before he was devoured by the Great Rabbit.

　The expression on his face, which was neither resignation nor joy, was enough to make Subaru feel wary.

"Why, why do you think that?"

　Subaru clicked his tongue at Roswaal's attempt to evade the question, showing no intention of moving the matter along smoothly even at this stage. Then he prefaced his statement with "No matter what,"

"It's because I thought the way I rejected my proposal didn't seem honest. If the condition for everything was to free the 'Sanctuary', it's only natural that I would suspect something was up."

Subaru: "I thought I gave a reasonable explanation about that, but in the first place, in order for us to continue cooperating with each other in the future, you need to provide proof. A reason to continue lending your strength to Emilia-sama―― In other words, you must be by her side, capable of deriving the optimal solution. I want you to believe that. The condition for that is the liberation of 『Sanctuary』."

"I think it's fine to have as many ways to get out of here as possible, not just release. If it's a chance to prove something, there will be plenty of opportunities in the future…"

"I'd like to ask the opposite question."

　As Subaru continued to press on, Roswaal raised a finger in refutation. Interrupted, Subaru fell silent, and Roswaal nodded magnanimously,

"You're the one who seems a bit hesitant about the Trials. It's as if you have a reason for not wanting to free your Sanctuary."

"There's no way I don't want to release him! I want to quickly pry open the barrier and drag out the problems that can't be solved inside... but."

"But?"

　Unconsciously speaking more than once, Subaru realized he was being carried away by Roswaal's words. If he spoke roughly and thoughtlessly here, Roswaal would win the deception.

　Try to stay calm and choose your words carefully.

"I don't want to see Emilia's heart broken after taking on that 'Trial'."

"That's why you have the authority, isn't it? If Emilia-sama stumbles over the Trial, you can simply act in her place. There's no problem. What's important is the fact that she has been set free, as you said."

"Ugh..."

　Subaru had almost been persuaded by what he had just said, and he bit his lip, searching for another word. However, his argument, piling up unreasonableness on top of unreasonableness, was far from coherent.

Subaru: "Whether it's me or Emilia who overcomes the Trials, I know that. Having the wounds of the past dug up is too hard on Emilia. I should take her place… but…"

"You're not saying that the Trials are too hard for you and that you're trying to find a way around them, are you?"

　Roswaal's gaze tightens, and his words become sharper.

　Subaru hesitates, and Roswaal continues, "No way, no way,"

Subaru: "Because you're selfish, because it's painful for you… If you're searching for an alternative solution for reasons like that, then that must be the extent of your feelings for Emilia-sama, you know?"

"That's not possible...!"

"No? Really? How can you say that for sure? Who can you make believe you? If you think of Emilia-sama, surely it's natural that you should be able to swallow all the pain, the suffering and the agony? If you love Emilia-sama, then surely it's only natural that you should be able to do that? If Emilia-sama is more important to you than anything else, if you prioritize her above all else, and if you can accept that everyone else besides Emilia-sama is just an insignificant existence meant to elevate her to greater heights… then there shouldn't be any problem, right?"

　I was almost engulfed in the aura of Roswaal, who spoke fluently as if trying to convince me.

　Roswaal's words were extreme, but for anyone who understood Subaru's "Return by Death", it was a natural conclusion to reach.

　Or perhaps, if it had been Subaru before his true feelings were revealed by Satella at the witches' tea party, he might have ended up agreeing with this conclusion.

　--Ah, I guess so.

　Subaru had thought he had declared to Roswaal that he would not become like him, and that he should give up everything except for one important thing.

　But, if Subaru had taken Echidna's hand at the tea party afterwards, he would surely have ended up living the life Roswaal had wished for him.

　Abandoning thought, eliminating options, striving only for results, and disregarding everything else.

　No matter how much he was hurt, he thought it was okay as long as the future he hoped for included Emilia and everyone else's smiles.

　But Natsuki Subaru, who chose to endure such hardship, will be able to smile in the same way beside them in his final moments?

　--Is it not perhaps the sense of duty that causes him to smile that is driving him to do so, that he is putting on a dry smile?

"...I guess what you say is true in a way, Roswaal."

"What do you mean, in a sense?"

　Closing one eye, Roswaal tilts his head in confusion at Subaru's meaningful reply.

　Staring into those yellow eyes, Subaru spat out,

"Like you say, if I could throw everything away and keep running to protect only Emilia… then I'm sure I could save only Emilia. But that won't be enough."

"insufficient..."

"I will save Emilia. But I won't be satisfied with just Emilia. Rem, Beatrice, everyone at the Sanctuary, the people at the mansion, and the many people who helped me in the royal capital...I want to save everyone, all at once."

"――――"

"I can't live your life the way you do, being satisfied with just one person. To be honest, I don't know whether it's me or you who is more greedy."

　There is something beautiful about the way he continues to think about one person and throws everything away for that person.

　Living with "love" is, once you express it that way, nothing less than a noble act.

　Roswaal's way of life may be the perfect example of how one man can live his life.

　However, imitating that would require an immense amount of resolve, and it seems unlikely that Subaru would be able to live a life that chips away at what is important to him, as if he were chipping away at his soul.

　As usual, his own capacity was tiny――Subaru remained a selfish child.

"...It seems that your resolve hasn't been sharpened enough yet."

"..."

Subaru: "Just a little… Yes, just a little, I had hoped. That maybe, just maybe, I would be able to see what I wanted. But… it seems that it won't be that way after all."

　"That's unfortunate," Roswaal said, shaking his head.

　This exchange had made it clear to Roswaal that Subaru was not yet ready to go along with his plan.

　To Roswaal, who expected Subaru to take on the challenge with ruthless resolve, Subaru was now a defective product that had disappointed him. At the same time, this meant that he had seen the end of his own life.

"Just how many more times will you disappoint me?"

"If that's how you feel, you could be a bit more cooperative with me. If you would just lend me a hand without hesitation, most of the problems would be solved."

　Subaru sarcastically tells Roswaal, who doesn't hide his disappointment.

　In fact, Subaru, who has no strategy at all when it comes to fighting power, desperately wants Roswaal's power. The immense magical power that caused flames to rain down on the Demonic Beast Forest, and the skill to accurately slaughter the Great Rabbit that attacked - Roswaal's cooperation is indispensable to counter the threat of the Great Rabbit.

　On the other hand, if they could get Roswaal on their side, half of the problems on the Sanctuary's side would be solved.

　However, Roswaal shook his head at Subaru's simple but certain request,

"Unfortunately, that is not going to be the case. There is very little benefit to me in cooperating with you in your current state. But let's suppose… yes, let's suppose you were to borrow my strength and get through this situation. If you or Lady Emilia continue on without any clear resolve, you will inevitably hit a wall at some point… and when that happens, will you rely on me again? What if you put off the resolve you should have made here and there, and end up in an irreversible situation, running around confused?"

"..."

"Subaru-kun, you see… for my purposes, I cannot decide to lend my strength to anyone unless I can trust them. A relationship where I am only relied upon is not necessary for my goals. That's why I want you to convince me no matter what, and show me your determination to move forward."

"Your goal..."

"It's unfortunate that it didn't turn out that way this time. Let's hope for another chance. When you are able to truly accept your power."

　With the conversation over, Roswaal relaxed his body and lay down on the bed.

　For Roswaal, the meaning of his life "now" was now lost. He probably intended to die, watching Subaru fail and try again, as if it were a dead end.

　If the conversation ended like this, Subaru would end up failing to accomplish any of the reasons he came here.

　Subaru couldn't just retreat, and as Roswaal gestured for him to leave, he frantically racked his brains,

"...What's the best way to show my resolve that will convince you?"

"Hmm... To be honest, I'd like you to figure that out by getting to know me better, but going through the process over and over just for that would be a total waste of time."

　Roswaal responded to Subaru's words, sitting up again and placing his hand on his chin,

"The general idea is to liberate the 'Sanctuary', that's how it works. However, your actions are essential to liberating the 'Sanctuary', and that requires that you are prepared to try again and again. The liberation of the 'Sanctuary' is proof that you have made up your mind and achieved it."

Subaru: "How did it become like that? Certainly, that may be the closest answer, but if that's all it is… if it's just to overcome the 'Trials', then it doesn't lead to a discussion about me being prepared to give up everything. Even if it's the possibility that Emilia will overcome the 'Trials' on her own…"

"That's impossible."

　Subaru felt that Roswaal's words were too extreme and quickly offered a string of rebuttals, but his reply was simple and cold.

　Subaru was taken aback by the sharpness of that remark, and Roswaal shook his finger at him.

Subaru: "Your fleeting hopes will never bear fruit. There is no way that Emilia-sama will be able to overcome the Trials. She doesn't have the heart to do something like that."

"...What, you say?"

"Exactly. I'm sure it's the influence of the environment and customs she grew up in, but that's no good. She's a weak, fragile, small child who has no way of standing on her own. Seeing her act, driven by feelings of guilt and self-blame, is so brave that it almost makes me feel pity for her."

　Subaru was left speechless by Roswaal's calm and unwavering assessment of Emilia, something he had never heard before.

　Emilia is brave, hardworking, kind-hearted, and earnest. Right now, things aren't going well for her, and she's unable to find the answers to the Trials, but Subaru believes that given time, she will surely overcome her past and have the power to lead the Sanctuary to its liberation.

　However, the reason Subaru still wanted to take on the Trials in Emilia's place was because he couldn't spare the necessary time, and because he couldn't bear to see Emilia get hurt.

　It was definitely not because he had given up, believing that Emilia would not be able to pass the Trial.

"But you say Emilia is impossible... Then why are you here?!"

"It's because of you. With you, even a weak, powerless half-elf can aim for the throne. No, she can take the throne. Of course. You will eliminate all paths that would prevent this, and you will complete her wish. You possess that much power. If there is any value in Emilia-sama, it is in the fact that she has obtained your strongest card, you."

"I'm... the strongest card...?"

　Subaru is bewildered by Roswaal's dizzying barrage of words and fanciful claims about being the strongest.

　An adjective that was far removed from her powerless self. And Roswaal's words were far too insulting to Emilia's existence, and she found it unforgivable.

"Don't mess with me! You think Emilia… no matter how hard she tries, no matter how much she thinks about it, and how painfully she's undergoing the Trials! Even though they're digging up memories of her past that she doesn't want to see, that girl… is still desperately trying her best! You know that!"

Subaru: "If there are no results, then it is all for nothing. And don't you understand that much better than I do? If your efforts, Lady Emilia, were to produce results, then there would be no reason for you to come back here."

「――――!!」

　Even though he got angry and raised his voice, it had no effect on Roswaal, who remained calm. On the contrary, it was Subaru who was silenced, as if to pour cold water on his heated thoughts.

　In fact, what Roswaal said only represents part of the reality.

　As far as Subaru had seen, Emilia had never been able to overcome the Trials - not even the first Trial. She kept trying her best, but the walls of her past stood in the way of her attempts, and each time she was discouraged and worn down.

　Unable to lean on Puck, someone she can truly trust, Emilia grows worn out and eventually mistakes her dependency on Subaru for love, and breaks down.

　Knowing that future, Subaru can only respond emotionally to Roswaal's words. But there's no way he could just sit back and ignore those insults to Emilia.

　Roswaal looked down on Emilia and had excessive expectations of Subaru's "Return by Death." How could he crush that pride? The moment he thought of it, Subaru shouted.

"I understand your point very well, but your plan will never come to fruition!"

"Oh, what does that mean...?"

"It seems you want me to pass the Trials in Emilia's place… but Echidna has stripped me of my eligibility to take the Trials! You will no longer be able to drag out the results you expect from me! What a shame—!"

　Subaru, hand on his chest, loudly appeals to Roswaal, who looks nonchalant about it.

　It was a painful experience for Subaru, but it was also a major blow to Roswaal's plans. Even Roswaal couldn't keep his cool at this, and Subaru was about to give him a nasty smile when...

"---Your qualifications have been revoked?"

　The muttered voice sounded so unreliable that it took Subaru a moment to realise that it was coming from Roswaal in front of him.

　Before his eyes, Roswaal was leaning back on the bed, his body stiffening at what he had said. He opened his eyes, two different colours in a daze, and looked at Subaru, his lips trembling slightly.

　His usual relaxed attitude, his air of detachedness as if he had seen through everything, his aloof and shrewd awe-inspiring presence - it was as if all of that had been peeled away.

"What do you mean...?"

"Nothing, nothing at all... just as it is."

　Calling out to him in a husky voice, Subaru couldn't help but raise his voice.

　Intimidated by the voice, which sounded like a completely different person from the familiar Roswaal, Subaru swallowed and moistened his dry throat with saliva,

"Echidna took away my qualifications. Now, far from having command over the clones, I'm in a situation where I get dizzy and collapse just from trying to enter the tomb. …I'm in the same position as you, who tried to enter and was rejected."

"Why... no, how could this have happened? You underwent the "Trial" within the tomb... without that, the liberation of this "Sanctuary", her true wish..."

　Roswaal puts his hand over his mouth and mutters hollowly, as if he has just seen something unbelievable.

　Subaru was at a loss for words, realizing that this unexpected, powerful reaction had had more effect than revenge. Roswaal's confusion was something he had never seen since he had met him, let alone traveled around the country, and he was confused as to what it was about their exchange that had had such an impact on him.

　However, Subaru held his breath,

"Did your gospel say that I would overcome the 'Trial'?"

"――――"

Subaru: "I know that if things don't go according to the description, you're prepared to throw everything away. So if you've decided that it's my role to break through the 'Sanctuary'… then that's not going to happen."

　Just as they had succeeded in breaking through the first Trial, and the witches had overcome Return by Death and shared their memories, the Greedy Witch's castle was outside the laws of this world.

　Even if he had "Returned by Death", the memories and feelings he had shared at that castle had not faded. That was why Subaru had felt salvation in that place, and had harboured no small amount of affection and expectations for Echidna. --And so, now he understood.

　Even if he died now and returned to the Graveyard, his qualifications would not return to Subaru.

　To recover what has been lost, one needs Echidna's permission, and to get Echidna's permission one must enter the tomb, and one cannot enter the tomb without the proper qualifications.

　--In other words, Subaru's method of challenging the Tomb's Trials was now completely lost.

"How can I get my qualifications back..."

"If there is, then you know it better than I do. If you say you don't know, then I don't know."

　Subaru responded to Roswaal's weak voice, but deep down he realized the possibility.

　Echidna must be watching Subaru's struggles and suffering from within the Tomb even now. She is probably planning to disqualify him as a form of harassment for refusing her hand, and see what Subaru can do now that he has taken Satella's hand.

　If Subaru continues to make mistakes in the process, and there comes a point where he has no other options and cries and clings to Echidna, then the Witch will probably reach out to help Subaru.

　--But if he were to take Echidna's hand the next time it was extended to him, it would mean throwing away everything, the words he had spoken to Satella, and the feelings he held in his heart at this very moment.

　Sending Emilia off to the best possible future, the end is complete.

　Still, it's probably better than an ending that falls apart halfway through.

"Your do-over will bring you back to the time before you were disqualified...?"

"You seem to be mistaken, but it's not such an omnipotent power. It's not something you can use so casually that you can return without a price...and in the first place, it's too late to return to the point where you can. If you were to return, you would only return to the time after it was taken from you. That doesn't change the fact that you can't enter the tomb."

"Is that so..."

　Roswaal's voice was weak as he replied, and it seemed to Subaru as if he had aged suddenly.

　Up until now, Roswaal had always exuded a youthfulness, an indeterminateness that made his age hard to discern, but now, with his shoulders slumped, even that aura had vanished.

　All that exists is the face of a human being, anguished at the fact that an obsessive emotion that has developed over a long, long time is being blocked beyond his reach.

　Even the clown makeup could not hide his appearance, and for the first time, Subaru felt that Roswaal was a human being just like him.

　Of course, if that doesn't solve anything, then it's probably something Roswaal wouldn't want.

"I'm at a dead end too, Roswaal. I think you and I should have a more thorough discussion and find a solution."

"――――"

"It may be difficult for you to extract results that are in line with the gospel, but the description shouldn't end there. I know you may not be convinced if you just follow the general outline… but if there's a compromise…"

"...I didn't."

"--a?"

　Subaru proposes a compromise, trying to somehow get Roswaal to make a concession. However, Roswaal looks blank, as if he hasn't heard what Subaru is saying, and mutters something quietly. Subaru opens his mouth involuntarily and takes a step forward.

　He wondered if he had misheard what Roswaal had just said.

　And as Subaru stepped forward, he heard Roswaal mutter,

"--So I didn't push hard enough?"

"What?"

"I don't know the details, but if Echidna changed the rules, then there must have been a corresponding exchange between her and you. Normally, before such a rift would have developed between you and her, you would have prepared yourself to take on the Trial… that's right, I wasn't enough."

"――――"

"If only I had pushed you harder... if only I had shown you that by reaching for too much, you end up missing out on something important... then this wouldn't have happened..."

"Wait, Roswaal. Wait."

　Subaru had a feeling that he was about to say something crucial, but for some reason he hesitated to ask further.

　If Subaru heard what came next, he would surely not be able to stand here any longer.

　I was sure.

　No, to begin with, there had been some part of me that had suspected that this was the case for a while.

　But even so, the reason he didn't raise his head in suspicion was because he had stopped thinking, seeing no reason to do so, and because he had some faith in Roswaal, however fragile.

　That was now decisively cut short by the words he spoke.

　Before that happens, he has to say something. And yet, no matter where he looks inside himself, he can't find those words. Time passes mercilessly.

"Knowing Garfiel's nature, I summoned you and Lady Emilia to the Sanctuary."

"――――"

"Even though he knew the horror of the Trials, he made Emilia-sama take them on, and by showing you how she got hurt, he inspired her to do her best..."

"Wait, wait. Wait――"

　and,

"By losing something precious that was just beyond my reach, the idea that you would be complete... everything was still lacking."

　--Roswaal confessed that he was the one who triggered the tragedy at the mansion.