Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu web novel

--It's crumbling, it's crumbling, it's falling apart from under my feet.

　Having lost sight of what he was sure was his foothold, Subaru felt as if he was falling from a great height.

　In reality, Subaru was standing in the middle of the room, eyes wide open and stiff.

　The reason he had this illusion, however, was because the shock of Roswaal's confession had been so great for Subaru.

"Out of reach..."

"The answer is probably already there. When two important things are both pushed into danger at the same time, a person is forced to make a choice. Choose which is more important, and live your life in a way that lets you miss out on the one that wasn't chosen. And so, the one who is complete by stripping away everything except for that one important thing is the chosen being that is you."

"That's ridiculous! A perfected being?! All I see is a scarred idiot standing alone in the windswept wilderness!"

"But your loved ones can be embraced in a place filled with greenery, preserving their innocent beauty. Does that take priority over not getting hurt yourself?"

　Subaru stammers in response to Roswaal's question, who has regained some of his composure.

　He wasn't coaxed into accepting the situation, nor was he at a loss for words to refute it.

　However, the amount of emotion that was gushing out of me was so overwhelming that I couldn't even put it into words.

　--I have never felt more truly that way about the expression "I'm so shocked I can't speak."

　Was the tragedy that occurred in that mansion the result of abandoning thought and following that incomprehensible theory and that gospel that lists arbitrary facts?

　Would Frederica, Petra, and even Beatrice all die because of such selfishness?

　Was it just for the sake of such a silly goal as completing Subaru that they were going to be betrayed by the master they supposedly trusted and lose their lives?

"Roswaal...are you really crazy...?"

"...That's true, I've been going crazy for a long time. Ever since I was captivated by those eyes four hundred years ago, I've been going crazy."

"Four hundred...?"

　Unable to comprehend the meaning of the words being tossed out, Subaru simply parroted them, grimacing in confusion.

　Yet again, 400 years ago - but it seemed far too unnatural for Roswaal to say that. There was no way for him to know what it was like 400 years ago. Moreover, the way he was talking now made it sound as if he had been in existence for 400 years -

"Natsuki Subaru-kun"

　As Subaru's eyes wavered in confusion, he suddenly heard a voice calling out to him from nearby.

　Looking up, he saw that Roswaal had risen before him without even realizing it. Standing so close, so tall that he could practically feel his breath on him, Subaru gasped and moved his legs back - he was grabbed by the nape of his collar, unable to move back. He was pulled towards him, and their foreheads collided.

"You called me crazy, and I agree. I am definitely crazy. I am not sane. My mind has been stolen from me a long time ago."

"Ah, ah..."

"Why do you feel like you're lacking something? You should be just as crazy as me, no, even more crazy than me. You have to be crazy to reach an unattainable level. Because what you want is so much higher and farther away than what I want. You don't need a human heart to walk a lonely path that no one will understand, that you can't do. Your heart has to be strong, hard, like steel -- isn't that right?"

"Uh... Uh, shut up!"

　With each word that seeped into his mind, Roswaal's voice had the power to drag him deeper into the depths of darkness. Subaru shook his head to shake it off, and pushed Roswaal's chest away, as they were touching.

　Subaru pointed his finger at the tall figure who was stepping down from the tatara, unable to hide the trembling voice he was putting on a show of bravado.

"No matter what happens, your plan was ruined the moment my qualifications were taken away! Your plans against the mansion and everything else were all pointless actions and meaningless sacrifices! If you understand that, then stop this foolish behavior right now!"

"I refuse. --Seeing that you lack resolve, I understand the necessity all the more. You have no need to be human. I will drive you into a corner, hurt you, and make you dependent on Emilia-sama to the point that your humanity is stripped away and gone. I will make Emilia-sama, too, indispensable to you, drowning in a love that is nothing more than dependency. I will drown you in a relationship where all you need is each other, and I will take the path of your reckless drowning. That is the only way that I can achieve my goal."

「Th-what's the point of that…! No matter how much I lose, the qualifications I've lost won't come back! All my efforts will be in vain, and I'll have gained nothing!」

"You yourself should know better than anyone whether that is your true intention or not."

　Subaru shouts, and the freezing voice of Roswaal hits him.

　Subaru's heart leapt violently, for he now understood the true meaning of Roswaal's words.

　Just as he had thought earlier - if Subaru really, really reconsidered and asked for help, Echidna would reach out to him. When he was truly at a dead end, and all he had to do was keep moving forward, that was the way forward for Subaru.

　And that,

"If you could return to me, Echidna would be happy to reissue your qualifications or whatever. Given her character, that is only natural, and I know that much too."

"..."

「Don't be so conceited, Natsuki Subaru. You're not the only one who understands Echidna.」

　It was an uncharacteristic voice for Roswaal, one filled with hatred and resentment.

　Subaru stiffened at the intensity of the animosity that was thrust upon him so directly. It was only after he had digested it that he felt he understood Roswaal's purpose.

"The reason you prioritize the liberation of the Sanctuary is... because it's Echidna's wish."

"..."

"If we clear the 'trials' that he set up at the tomb, and free the 'sanctuary'... do you think that will lead to a memorial for him or something?"

"...While alive, Echidna was concerned about how this place would end after her death. That's why she left a mechanism in the tomb and let her soul reside there. However, even after 400 years, the end she desired has still not come to this place."

　The barrier surrounding the Sanctuary has been in place for four hundred years, and during that time, it has never been breached.

　The end that Echidna desired, that she wanted to see, has yet to come. Perhaps what Roswaal seeks is to show Echidna that end, to put her soul to rest.

　The idea itself was understandable. In his original world, Subaru had never believed in the existence of spirits, but in this world, he had come into contact with Echidna and the other witches.

　There are feelings I felt when I interacted with them, and if they have regrets about this place, I feel a deep gratitude and would like to help make their wishes come true.

　However, it is absolutely unacceptable to neglect other important people who are living in the present because of this.

"That is a separate matter. Roswaal, we will arrange another opportunity to appease Echidna. I can promise you that I will do my best to make that happen. --So, for now, leave the mansion alone."

"I refuse. I will fulfill my wish, Echidna's wish. I will take any means necessary. I will frame others as much as necessary, hurt you, and get my hands on the mud."

"Don't drag others into your self-satisfaction! Drag that guy out, and if you have something to say, do it yourself! Don't try to sacrifice someone who tried to create the future, a child who still has a bright future ahead of her, a girl who shuts herself away because she can't believe in the future!"

　There was no need for Frederica, Petra, or Beatrice to become victims of such a plan.

　There should be no reason for them to put up with Roswaal's self-centeredness, and certainly no reason that has nothing to do with their humanity, such as to hurt Subaru.

"I refuse. The only thing I will listen to is if they say, 'I will do as Roswaal says.' I will block out everything else. Their sacrifices will be inevitable."

"Don't mess with me. I'll expose what you're up to and what the consequences will be."

"You are the one who should think about the consequences before you act. What's the point of doing something like that? Even if I make my misdeeds public, the situation surrounding Sanctuary will not change one bit. Lady Emilia will lose the backing she needs to challenge the Royal Selection, and on top of that, her relationships with the refugees and residents of Sanctuary will undoubtedly deteriorate. Do you think that Lady Emilia will be able to take on the Trials and achieve results with a bomb filled with ill feelings on her back? How many times have you seen Lady Emilia collapse with your own eyes?"

"G-Garfiel, if he heard that Frederica... his sister would be sacrificed in your plan, he definitely wouldn't let it go for free..."

"If you are placing your hopes in him, then your eyes are clouded all the more. Garfiel would never venture outside Sanctuary to rescue Frederica. Garfiel is a pitiful, foolish man who is trapped by a non-existent threat, worried that something might happen to Sanctuary while he is away. He has a narrow perspective and is stubborn, yet strong. His half-baked brain also allows him to consider the risks of what would happen to Sanctuary if he lost me. Therefore, he is unable to act in your interest. --He is a child, desperate to protect his own weak and fragile world, after all."

　The expression "desperate child" really strikes a chord.

　It was the same assessment the witches made of Subaru, who had tried to sacrifice himself at the tea party. And it seems that Garfiel appears that way to Roswaal.

　Perhaps Garfiel is unaware that people think this of him, or perhaps he knows and yet continues to forge ahead with his own deeply rooted goal.

"Garfiel will not side with you. I have no intention of abandoning my plot. You just need to wear yourself down, sharpen yourself, and perfect yourself in the face of circumstances that are beyond your control. Nothing more is necessary. Just accept it, Natsuki Subaru. --Just accept that it doesn't matter if anyone other than Emilia-sama dies."

"Don't mess with me! I will never be like you! I will never think like you, I will never think like you! That is not a human way of thinking!"

"..."

Subaru: "I am, a human. No matter what incomprehensible power I am given, no matter how much pain or difficulty I experience, that will not be diminished. ーーI am a human. I will remain a human."

　Subaru made this assertion to the silent Roswaal, stepping back and putting some distance between him and the tall man. Roswaal's handsome face caused mixed emotions to flow for just a moment before he quickly shrugged.

"Well, never mind. As long as you have endless opportunities, it's the same for me. I'll give up on persuading you this time. I'll leave it to the next me."

Subaru: "Even if this time doesn't work out… and there is another chance, and the next chance after that, I will never agree to your proposal. Not to you."

"--Leave the room. There is no point in me living this life anymore."

　Returning to the bed and pulling the covers over him, Roswaal leaves Subaru with those words and loses consciousness. As he closes his eyes and tries to sleep, he is literally refusing to communicate with Subaru.

　Roswaal's attitude made me open my mouth to speak, but no words came out.

"――――"

　Subaru remained silent and left the room with a feeling of defeat.

※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※

　Leaving Roswaal's bedroom, Subaru staggers along beneath the moonlight.

"--What should I do?"

　All that comes out of my mouth are questions about uncertain problems, and the exact same sentences keep repeating in my mind, only for the answers to never echo back to me.

　The question that was thrown out never reached anyone, vanished into the void and left only a feeling of emptiness like a lump in the throat.

　It's literally like we're cornered.

　It seems unlikely that we will be able to get any more cooperation from either Roswaal or Echidna.

　Echidna's cooperation is physically impossible, while Roswaal's is emotionally impossible.

　Subaru had considered the possibility in his mind.

　Roswaal was Elsa's employer, and he had the mansion attacked in order to subject Emilia to a "trial" - in this case, the "trial" was aimed at Subaru.

　Elsa appears as if she has timed her arrival at the mansion. She knows about Frederica's death, who could be a guide for Subaru, as well as the existence of the secret passage and Beatrice's Forbidden Library. Considering all of this, the only suspects were Ram or Roswaal.

　And since Ram is so infatuated with Roswaal, there is no need for her to do anything that would put him at a disadvantage, so by process of elimination, the only one left is Roswaal. --More than wanting to be wrong, it's possible that she didn't think about it anywhere other than in the back of her mind, because she didn't want it to happen.

"If Roswaal is Erza's employer..."

　Could it be that Roswaal was behind the theft of Emilia's badge in the royal capital on the first day Subaru was summoned?

　If the Gospels had predicted Subaru's existence, the appearance of a being with the power to "Return by Death", and that this was someone necessary to ensure Emilia's victory, then the turmoil that occurred that day was necessary to bring Subaru to her side.

　All that time, running for his life that day, dying three times to save Emilia, hearing Emilia's name along with her smile - was it all in Roswaal's hands?

"Everything is going according to prediction... If that's the case, then Rem's existence being stolen, and now that we're trapped in Sanctuary, it's all part of someone's plan..."

　If that was the case, then perhaps Subaru's determination to continue trying so hard was merely an extension of someone else's strings of control.

　Was the answer to his future only for Subaru to abandon everything except Emilia and move forward? Now that the path to get there had been cut off, was he at a dead end?

"Am I an idiot?… No, I am an idiot. With that thought, the result of stopping thinking is Roswaal… But what if even I get consumed by it…"

　Subaru, who rewrote the contents of the Gospel that Betelgeuse possessed, knows better than anyone that the Gospels are not absolute.

　The gospels, which show the way to the future, are not omnipotent. In fact, if something different from what was written in them were to occur, Roswaal would give up on the world and place his hopes on the next orbit.

"--picture?"

　Now I feel like there's something strange going on.

　As he slowly went through the process and pondered the Gospel that Roswaal possessed, Subaru definitely felt something was off. What it was, he couldn't put his finger on it.

"What? What... what's wrong? But, something's wrong...!"

　Feeling as if he had been presented with a riddle with no clear answer, Subaru searched for a light in the mist.

　Roswaal's Gospel. Acted exactly as written. Beatrice's Gospel. The Witch Cult's Gospel. A prophecy whose owner died and whose future remains unwritten. A blank page. An outcome as predicted. An outcome that did not go as predicted - now, things have changed from what was written.

"It's no good. Just one more step, something else is coming out."

　Although there is a sense of connection with some of the scattered pieces, none of them come together into a concrete shape and dissipate. However, these connections are the kind of thing that should not be overlooked.

　In the many impasses I've encountered in the past, I've always been able to pull out the answer from small clues and pry my way through.

　This time too, I'm sure each and every piece of debris will lead to an answer.

Subaru: "ーーSubaru?"

"picture?"

　Hearing his name suddenly called, Subaru's consciousness was lifted from his deep sea of ​​thoughts.

　When he emerged from the water in reality, Emilia, her sparkling silver hair swaying in the moonlight that poured down on the twilight, was gazing at Subaru.

　Subaru's heart throbbed sharply at this unexpected encounter, and unable to hide his shock, he raised his hand.

"Ah, Emilia... tut. Why are you here? It's pretty late already."

"The same goes for you, Subaru. If you stay up too late, you won't grow any taller."

"I think I'm probably past my growth spurt so it's probably too late to worry about that..."

　As per usual, Emilia brought up a slightly off-topic topic. Her response brought Subaru back to his senses, and he naturally walked over to her side.

　The location was a modest plaza in the center of the Sanctuary. Leaning her hips against a moss-covered, dried-up stone fountain-like object, Emilia, her silver hair swaying in the night breeze, sent a sidelong glance in the direction of Subaru, who was standing next to her.

　Her sad, amethyst eyes looked somehow lustrous, bringing a sweet, painful impulse to Subaru's currently weakened heart.

"I couldn't sleep so I went for a little walk... What happened, Subaru?"

"…Well, I'm the same way. I'm the type who has a hard time falling asleep if I change my pillow, and Otto's snoring is surprisingly loud."

"It's really surprising that Subaru has such delicate nerves."

　Emilia put her hand to her mouth and smiled softly. As Subaru gazed at her profile, he realized that this was the first time he had met Emilia again on the night of his "Return by Death".

　Basically, when it came to things that didn't involve Subaru, the actions of other people would follow a roughly consistent pattern even in the loop. This meant that Emilia would always take a sleepless stroll like this on the first night she attempted the Trial.

　While Subaru was busy with all sorts of things, such as being invited to a tea party, being assaulted by Garfiel, learning the true identities of Lewes and the others at the facility deep in the forest, and finding out that Roswaal was the mastermind, changes were also coming over Emilia.

"...Subaru, you don't seem to be in good spirits."

"Yeah, I guess. I don't think that's the case."

"No, I'm lying. If it were the usual Subaru, it would be a bit more… crazy, right?"

"It's crazy, I haven't heard anything lately..."

　Subaru replied, his cheeks relaxing in relief that it had been a while since they'd had this exchange, and Emilia pointed to his cheek, smiled, and said, "Look."

"You finally laughed. Subaru, you always try to make me smile, but right now you weren't able to do that."

"――――"

"Has something been bothering you? If you have any worries... I'll listen if you want."

　Having been pointed out that his stiff cheeks had relaxed, and having had words of concern thrown at him, Subaru instinctively felt a gradual heat grow behind his eyelids, and did his best to endure it.

　The gentle, loving words seeped into my whole body. In this situation where I felt like I was at a dead end, there was nothing I could do, and even the ray of hope that I could see had disappeared, I found myself wanting to cling to the loving hand that was gently extended to me.

　I felt pathetic and frustrated at my own wavering beliefs, unable to even stick to a will that I had only solidified a short time before.

"This is… my problem. I can't put a burden on Emilia."

"..."

"You're the one in a lot more trouble than me. You were so distraught during the 'Trial'… are you okay now?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry for the trouble I caused you back then. I'm sorry for causing such a fuss... It seemed like I was confronted with a problem I wasn't prepared for at all."

　Subaru turned his face away and changed the subject, to which Emilia responded with a weak smile as if letting her breath go.

　Then she leaned her hips against the object, leaned her back and looked up at the night sky,

"Really... I was completely unprepared. It made me realize that I had come this far by running away from all the things I had to face."

"I don't think there's anything bad about that. What's wrong with running away from something you don't like? If you keep facing something you don't like, will you eventually be able to overcome it? Is it something you have to overcome? If you run away and find a different path, and decide to follow that path... is that something you should be criticized for?"

"Subaru…?"

　Subaru spoke quickly, not able to organize what he wanted to say, and Emilia raised a beautiful eyebrow. Emilia was confused, but without noticing her reaction, Subaru,

"Echidna, who planted the Trial in the Tomb, Roswaal, who knew it would exist and dragged us here, and Garfiel, who knows we have to overcome it but just gets in the way - they're all so selfish. Why should we have to be pushed around when we have to go along with it while you guys do whatever you want? And then when we try to do something about it in our own way, you complain that it's not going the way you want... What should we do?"

"――――"

Subaru: "My head feels like it's about to explode, and I feel like I'm going to end up completely overwhelmed. There's just more and more problems piling up… and to top it all off, you're saying the reason for it all is because of me. Don't be ridiculous. Don't be ridiculous――"

　At that moment, my emotions were heightened and I even felt dizzy with an inexplicable anger.

　A soft hand wraps around the back of his head, and he is suddenly pulled down by the sensation of his head being pulled. Then he plunges headfirst into the soft sensation in front of him, and Subaru instinctively holds his breath.

　An extremely hot, soft sensation covered Subaru's face.

　Hearing the sound of a heartbeat from the other side of their warm contact, Subaru's thoughts went blank as he slowly became aware of the situation he was in - that he was being held in Emilia's arms.

"ah--?"

"Slowly. Quietly. Just take your time and listen to the sound of my heart."

"--yeah"

"Just let yourself go with the steady heartbeat, breathe in and out quietly... repeat. When you feel calm, pat me on the back. We can stay like this until you calm down."

　The whisper in his ear sent a tingly sensation down his spine, making Subaru's breathing involuntarily quicken. The shock blew away all his emotional excitement, but instead he was tormented by a sensation that made the blood in his entire body boil.

　What had gotten him into this situation? While he listened to Emilia's quiet heartbeat, his own heart was pounding against his ribs with a completely different, violent and sharp rhythm.

　But the beating of his heart, which had been raging due to his agitation, naturally slowed down as Emilia's breathing and the hand gently stroked the back of his head. Subaru took deep breaths as instructed, inhaling and exhaling repeatedly, until he had calmed his own breathing and his mind.

　Then he quietly slapped Emilia on the back. With that as a signal, the hand that had been touching the back of her head was removed, and Subaru, reluctant to leave, stood up.

"Have you calmed down?"

"...somehow."

　Subaru let out a small sigh as he looked at the amethyst glow before him.

　Emilia smiled in relief at Subaru's answer and said, "That's good." Subaru couldn't help but blush at her embarrassment and shook his head slightly.

"I'm sorry I was so upset. I didn't mean to cause you any trouble like this."

"I don't think it's a bother at all."

Subaru: "But it must be a lot harder for Emilia than it is for me. That's true, isn't it? …If I could, I would like to help you out of all the pain you're going through… That's what I thought."

"Subaru…"

　There's a part of me that always wants to make myself look cool in front of Emilia.

　In reality, I'm a pathetic, weak, self-centered person who is lacking in everything, but I always try my best and want to be by your side.

"Everything was going wrong, and really, I was just battling Roswaal right now. I was wondering if there was any way to escape the Sanctuary without going through the Trials."

"picture?"

Subaru: "The truth is, it would be best if I could take on the Trials in your place… but it doesn't look like that's going to be possible. So I desperately tried to find a way out, but that was difficult. What should I do… sorry I was no use."

"Subaru――"

　He bowed his head. No matter how many times he had been given the chance to start over through 『Return by Death』, he felt ashamed of his own shortsightedness for not being able to find even one clever way to do things.

　If they had done better, there would have been many cases in which the sad world they found themselves in during the second Trial could have been avoided.

　Surely they could have found a way to deal with a sad situation like this one――

"But I'm sure I'll do something about it. I'll do something so that Emilia doesn't have to go through any hardship or discomfort. So please trust me."

"...Subaru."

"ah"

　Emilia looks up at Subaru with tears in her eyes.

　Staring back at those wet eyes, Subaru steeled himself, ensuring that the most important part of his wavering heart would not bend.

　Protect Emilia, overcome the "Sanctuary", save the mansion, and recover everything.

　It's a path where there is no light at all, but I'm sure I can manage it somehow.

"I'm happy about Subaru's feelings. I'm really happy about them. --But, I can't accept your kindness."

　And yet, the resolve that was supposed to have solidified was flatly denied by the words of the girl he loved, with strong conviction in her eyes.