Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu web novel

　--The first thing I felt when I woke up was a sense of loneliness coming from Sora's right hand.

　This thought ran vaguely through my sleepy head, the blood still circulating in my head, but as my consciousness became more alert I realized that this was an extremely selfish sentiment, and my cheeks quickly turned red with rage and shame.

　Rather than sit up, I choose to curl up in bed, wrapping myself in the towel blanket to make myself smaller. As soon as I woke up, I realized how shallow I was, and even though it was only the beginning of the day, I had already let myself down.

"--That's terrible, that's terrible, it's too terrible. I'm... so selfish."

　The girl curled up in her bed - Emilia muttered, letting out a long, long sigh at her own disgrace.

　As I opened and closed my hands repeatedly inside the futon, I remember the distinct sensation I felt just before I fell asleep.

　His fingers were thick and rough, with the skin at the tips slightly hardened, and each time I had the opportunity to hold his hand, I thought to myself how they seemed completely different to my own thin and weak fingers.

　The boy who cared for Emilia, spoke kind words to her, and sat beside her bed and held her hand until the moment she lost consciousness - the feeling of Subaru's rough yet delicate palm.

　The first thing she thought unconsciously upon waking was the sense of loneliness she felt at losing the feeling of Subaru's palm, her fingers cutting through the air, so there was no way she could save herself.

　Even after relying on him so much, did his character still want him to shoulder a heavy burden? Even though his own weakness and sins had already caused irreparable trouble to those around him.

　It was already the fourth day since she had visited Sanctuary - spanning from the first day, the day before yesterday and the day before, Emilia had been throwing herself into the Trials in the tomb deep within Sanctuary.

　For Emilia, who has won the royal election and is aiming to become the king of the Kingdom of Lugnica, obtaining the power of this "Sanctuary" is the first step she must take.

　Roswaal, who rules this land, is Emilia's patron, and the residents, who have their own reasons, are people who share a similar position to Emilia, a half-elf. If she cannot prove herself and be accepted by them in a place with such favorable conditions, what else can she hope to achieve in the future?

　Emilia's position in the royal selection process is undeniably at a disadvantage compared to the other candidates. For a weak Emilia to survive, she needs the cooperation of those around her. And the trust required to secure that cooperation must come from Emilia's own actions alone.

　For Emilia, who correctly understands her position, what she must do and show in the Sanctuary is clear. There is no hesitation in that regard.

　However, there was a shadow cast over her eyes as she looked forward.

"..."ordeal""

　The only and absolute condition for being accepted by the residents of the "Sanctuary" is to overcome the "Trials".

　The residents are unable to leave the surrounding forest that surrounds the Sanctuary due to a barrier that has been put up by the tomb. In order to fight alongside them in the outside world, it is necessary to overcome the barrier and overcome it by overcoming the Trials. From an emotional standpoint, they will not accept Emilia unless she is able to do this at least.

　Whether it be physical problems or emotional problems, the situation can be overcome by breaking through the Trials, and that is simple. Since the problem is centralized, there is no need to use complicated reasoning or unnecessary arguments.

　The only problem was that the content of the trial was highly poisonous to Emilia.

　--The inorganic voice that echoed within the tomb told him to face his past.

　If I close my eyes, I can vividly remember that white world.

　Instantly, Emilia's body felt an unstoppable chill, as if she had been thrown naked into the freezing cold, and she began shivering.

　The fear running through my body was coming from remembering the cold of that day, or perhaps because I still hadn't forgotten the fear I felt then.

　What did Subaru think when he heard her haltingly recount the story of her past?

　It was a past that was difficult to forget, one that still bound her body with chains of guilt - it was around yesterday afternoon that Emilia had confided this to Subaru.

　The night before, Emilia had taken her first Trial and her heart was literally broken. Crying, yelling, and becoming distraught in Subaru's arms as he shook her awake, she finally regained her composure as he gently stroked her back, and told everyone waiting for her outside the tomb that the challenge had failed.

　Emilia doesn't remember what expression everyone had when they heard those words.

　She didn't have the time to check everyone's faces one by one. She didn't care if they were looking at her with scorn or disappointment. She simply put on a brave face, parted ways with everyone, and tumbled into the house she had been assigned to stay in. As soon as she realized she was alone, Emilia was overcome with an unbearable fear.

　Unable to stay cooped up like that, she ran out of the building and was shivering in the night wind when she met Subaru again, walking towards her under the moonlight.

　Afterwards, when Subaru confessed his resolve to spare himself for Emilia, Emilia ran away, listing off resolutions that were nothing more than idealism.

　Emilia, who was similarly driven into a corner by her own words, was unaware of just how devastated Subaru was when he heard that.

　Emilia doesn't remember how she got back to her lodgings after that.

　The next thing she woke up to was Subaru calling out to Emilia, who had collapsed on the floor, her face pale.

　It was inevitable that they would talk about Subaru, who had caused him worry, and the ``Trial'' that had caused it to happen - and by extension, about Emilia's past.

　There was not a single bit of embellishment or lie in what she had told Subaru about her past.

　Emilia's crimes had been shown to her in a vivid and clear light, and she had confessed them, unable to forget them, as if peeling back the scabs from her memory and exposing her raw wounds to the wind.

　At the same time, it was also a confession of Emilia's very personal and selfish motives for participating in the royal selection and aiming for the throne.

　I can't say I didn't feel any fear or intimidation.

　Emilia had sacrificed far too much as a result of her mistakes, for which she could not take solace in her youth. And yet, without having paid the price, she continues to live her life to the fullest, alone.

　Furthermore, the method he chooses for atonement involves even more people before it can be completed.

　I think it's only natural that people would be shocked, despised, and kept at a distance.

　While thinking this, she also realized that somewhere in her heart she had a feeling of certainty that Subaru would definitely not abandon her.

　Even if Natsuki Subaru knew now how cruel Emilia's past was and how selfishly she was trying to atone for it, he would not be able to push her away.

　Emilia had witnessed Subaru's pain, his grief, and the many things he had protected up until now, and had seen the results of his actions.

　He is a kind, loyal, and compassionate boy. He carries so much with him that he never thinks of letting go, and he keeps running even when he is covered in wounds.

　If he was among the burden that Emilia was carrying, then no matter how ugly her nature was, he would never be able to let her go.

　--It was a truly cruel and wicked scheme.

　Even if she shook her head and denied that she thought that way, she would be lying if she said the thought hadn't crossed her mind even for a moment. And if somewhere in her heart she was hoping for that outcome, then that was the same as if everything in Emilia's existence affirmed it.

　Because I trusted that this person would not dislike me, I was able to confide in him about my past, even though I was afraid he would dislike me.

　That's all there is to it in words.

　As a result, although Subaru was unable to hide his shock and shock at Emilia's revelation of her past, he did not blame her for the crimes she herself had committed.

　The confession had left her mentally exhausted, and as Emilia complained of sleepiness, the way he held her hand was no different to how considerate it had always been.

　To his disgust, Subaru's feelings had worked just as the ugly side of Emilia had hoped.

　Subaru, whose normally sharp eyes lowered in concern, was genuinely worried about Emilia. His kindness was like sweet poison to Emilia.

　It melts your heart, melts your resolve, and threatens to expose your ugly true feelings.

　He wished he could entrust everything to her, to have her shoulder the hardships that were wearing down his heart. If he were to utter a childish complaint, turning a blind eye to things he didn't like, Subaru would surely waste all his time on Emilia, without any regard for himself.

　--There's no way something like that could be allowed.

　Ever since they first met, Subaru has always helped Emilia.

　In the royal capital's stolen goods storehouse, in a mansion threatened by magical beasts, in the middle of the royal selection hall being glared at by the candidates, and while a mysterious assailant targeted both the village and the mansion.

　Emilia had always clung to Subaru's hand. Unable to bear to see him get hurt, she had even shook off his hand, thinking she had no right or reason to be treated like that.

　And yet, Natsuki Subaru never abandoned Emilia.

　On the contrary, he said this to Emilia, who had no idea why she should be saved.

"Because I love you, I want to be your strength."

　I had never experienced someone confessing their love like that, with all their heart and soul, and without any reason.

　At first, the only people who showed Emilia any affection were the Elven companions she lived with in the forest, and after that, for a long time, it was only Puck, who acted as a parent to her.

　At Roswaal's invitation, he left the forest and once again realized just how terrible the situation half-elves find themselves in, and his second visit to the royal capital only deepened his understanding.

　While accepting Roswaal's proposal and achieving her own goal, she also harboured a faint hope that she might be able to change, even just a little, the deeply rooted trend of disdain for Half-Elf in this world. However, Emilia thought that this hope was fleeting, and somewhere in her heart she did not fully believe in it.

　So it meant a lot to Emilia that Subaru, that earnest boy, had told her that he loved her, taking all of her into account, the fact that she was a half-elf and that she was weak and helpless.

　He was not of the same species, nor was he destined from birth to be with Emilia, but they had met by chance, without any intention from anyone, and as they had grown closer, warm feelings had blossomed between them - just how much this had saved Emilia.

　That's why Emilia can't rely on Subaru this time.

　Every time he shoulders the hardships that Emilia faces, the scars on his body grow indelible. Not just physically, but emotionally as well.

　Emilia doesn't think that Subaru is particularly strong in either mind or body.

　He has a strong will and a kind heart that cares for those around him, but he is still not a special person.

　Sadly, they get hurt, they cry when they feel pain, and if they bleed too much, they die.

　That's just an ordinary person.

　Emilia had no intention of burdening such an ordinary boy with any more hardship.

　If he could just be by her side, supporting her as she faced the future, that was all she could ask for. Even that was too selfish a wish, and Emilia felt ashamed of herself.

　With him supporting her in her broken resolve, Emilia will surely be able to overcome the obstacles without giving up.

　It should be you who fights the obstacles in front of you.

"Because that's the way it has to be..."

　If he continued to rely on him, entrusted everything to him, clung to him and pushed everything onto him, one day even Subaru would start to see him as a burden.

　It's scary to even think that the day might come when he would think that way.

　It was something I had tried not to want. It was something I had given up on because I thought I couldn't have it, even if I wanted it. I tried not to be conscious of it, but it was something I had always wanted.

　Because it had been obtained, because it had been given to her, because she had taken the outstretched hand――Emilia could no longer imagine losing it.

"――――"

　Emilia's sins turned the forest white, trapping her friends and family beneath the snow and ice.

　Emilia herself fell into a long sleep inside the ice, and spent nearly a hundred years before being saved by Puck without realizing her sins.

　Her own guilt made her want to look away. The worst part of it all was that Emilia herself had no memory of any of her deeds.

　The process is missing, and although he is aware that his actions have plunged everyone into white stagnation, he has no memory of what he was thinking or why he did it.

　I thought it was only natural to be called a witch girl.

　After being awakened from the ice by Puck, Emilia spent seven years in the Great Elior Forest. In the frozen forest, it was difficult to grow or produce food, so she had to travel to the villages closest to the forest to get most of her food.

　I will never forget the frightened looks I received and the way I was called the "Witch of the Ice Forest."

　Being called a witch suited me.

　He spoke bit by bit of the resolve necessary to overcome the Trials, something he himself found hollow. Emilia had no idea how to defeat that past. Evading Subaru's questioning with sweet-sounding words, Emilia chose to remain shut up in the shell of her dreams.

　As she felt Subaru's palm, she soon fell asleep.

　--I don't think I had any dreams then either.

　When she woke up, Subaru was in the same position as Emilia had fallen asleep, watching over her. Feeling an unbearable emotion well up inside her chest, Emilia let him lead her by the hand, and stepped into the nighttime "Sanctuary" - to challenge the "Trial".

　It was an obvious result, but they were unable to overcome the "Trial."

　Subaru and Ram see her off in front of the tomb. Emilia steps into the tomb under the gaze of Garfiel and Lewes, residents of the Sanctuary, but the Trials don't pay her a second thought, as she has no clear solution or bright prospects.

　The unchanging 『past』 tormented and corroded Emilia's heart, then she pushed it away.

　When Emilia regained consciousness on the cold, hard floor of the tomb, she noticed that her cheeks were wet. She felt that it was presumptuous of her to even shed tears, and hated her own shamelessness.

　Unable to overcome the Trial or find a clue, Emilia left the tomb in an exhausted state, to be greeted by a concerned Subaru and the others.

　After that, just like the night before, I was told to sleep soundly in this building, and as I collapsed into my bed I lost consciousness - and only woke up in the morning.

"In the end, I haven't made any progress... I'm no good..."

　If there was anything she'd learned from yesterday, it was that she was still an incredibly soft-natured child, constantly causing trouble for Subaru and everyone around her, and yet still unable to see a single ray of hope at the end of the tunnel; she was a weak being.

"pack..."

　The pendant hanging from her chest - the green glow adorning its tip is a vessel for Puck, the spirit with whom Emilia has a contract.

　Whenever Emilia called his name in a weak voice, he would always reply with his usual calm voice, "What is it?"

　There has been no response for nearly two weeks.

　At first, she thought he had entered a period of hibernation that came once every few months. Until now, there had been several times when Puck had stopped responding, and each time this had happened, Emilia had endured the loneliness and waited for him to return and wake up.

　However, hibernation usually only lasted three or four days, and this was the first time it had lasted this long. Above all, up until now, even if Puck had entered a hibernation period, if Emilia had called out to him sincerely, he would have stopped hibernation and responded.

　Even that reaction was far from Puck's sense right now.

　I wonder what happened to him?

　Could something irreversible have happened during its hibernation, preventing it from emerging? If so, what should I do?

　Despite having spent a long, long time with Puck, now that she's been left alone like this, Emilia can't find any way to influence him.

The Trials, Subaru, coming to terms with her own past, and Puck's disappearance - none of the problems that had arisen offered Emilia a single glimpse of hope.

"...My idiot."

　Finding herself in such a deadlock, and the people who would normally lend a hand not being by her side, Emilia was about to complain, but stopped herself.

　If she did that, then her existence would sink to a point of no return. Emilia already had an incredibly low opinion of herself, but she didn't want to believe that she could go any lower than that.

"No, that's no good. Don't just think negatively like that... Even though Puck won't show his face right now, I'm sure he has his reasons. The "Trials" thing hasn't been resolved yet either. I, I have to get my act together."

　Smacking her pale cheeks with both raised hands, Emilia steeled herself.

　She raised her face and ran a comb through her messy hair. She found herself struggling even with something as simple as this. Usually, she left this task entirely to Puck. Emilia had never even taken the initiative to groom herself.

　He touches it with his hands to make sure it's not messy. He doesn't look in the mirror. The mirror in the room was quickly covered with a cloth and left in the corner so that it didn't reflect anything.

　Playing with the ends of her hair, Emilia decides that the minimum preparations are complete. Then, pulling her hair with her fingers, she makes tufts of silver hair and ties them together.

　Preparing for braids - Puck had the final say in Emilia's hairstyle, and it was an important clause in the contract they had made. It had been two weeks already since Puck had specified a hairstyle for her, but the request he made on the last morning he was with her had continued for the next two weeks.

　Of course, she continued to do other things, such as taking a bath or exercising after a shower, or talking to micro-spirits, though they were far from cheerful. If she didn't continue doing them, she felt as if her connection with Puck, who she could no longer see, would disappear, and she was frightened.

"----and"

　The usual way to do it is to divide the hair in the middle of the head and make two braids, one on each side, but today I made one long braid and let it flow down my back.

　Today too, I will abide by my contract with Puck and hope that it will continue.

　Be aware that there is a definite connection within you.

"...picture?"

　As Ram appeared with a bucket of water, Emilia, who was getting ready to get changed, let out a small cry.

　Her amethyst eyes widen in shock, and as she looks down she sees the pendant on her chest.

　Just as he had seen before, there was a green crystal hanging from the pendant, which was proof of Puck's undoubted presence - but suddenly a crack had appeared on its surface.

"Eh... Wait, what...? Wait... What is it...?"

　Placing her hand on the crystal that had cracked without warning, Emilia let out an inarticulate sound.

　Her eyes flickered in intense agitation, and she timidly stroked the surface of the crystal with her trembling fingertips. A crack spread from the tip of her finger, and a small, choked shriek came from her mouth.

"N-no... no, I don't want to... wait a second... hey, Puck, wait..."

　Emilia shook her head in disgust, but the crystal continued to crumble.

　Emilia put all her strength into the palm of her hand holding the crystal in an attempt to maintain the status quo, but the unstoppable trembling only accelerated the collapse, and the vessel began to lose its shape in her hand.

　What will happen when this collapse spreads to the whole world?

　This was a first for Emilia, a situation she had never anticipated, and her mind went blank.

　However, there was one thing I understood.

"At this rate, Puck will...!"

　To Emilia, it would mean saying goodbye to someone who was like family to her.

"----!"

　She lifts her head. She looks around. There is no one there. It is still early in the morning, and there is no sign of anyone awake or active outside. Even if she cries out, no one will hear. Even if she wants to run for help, the vibrations will likely trigger her end, so Emilia cannot move.

　Suppressing her voice and even stopping her breath, Emilia stares at the crystal that is losing its shape in her hands.

　Even at this point, Emilia was afraid to make a decision, instead of trying to distance herself from the end that was surely approaching, she was only trying to delay it.

　and--,

"--ah"

　The punishment for not making an effort to avoid it came with the dry sound of crystal shattering.

　Emilia stares in shock as the green crystal in her palm has completely lost its shape. The crystal has shattered, the shards losing their color, and with the circulation of life force gone, its glow has faded.

"Hey, hey... Puck, that's a lie, right?"

　As if clinging to a final hope, Emilia called out to his palm in a husky voice.

　However, the orb in his hand - it had lost its shape and was now nothing more than a mere grain of green powder. Far from being a spirit, it no longer had the power to hold even a trace amount of mana, and was now nothing more than a green piece of stone waiting to be blown away by the wind.

　To anyone's eyes, Emilia's fleeting hope has already been snuffed out.

　Emilia is the only one who cannot accept the reality that things have not been cut off.

"No, that's not true... It can't be like this, it can't be like this... Because, because, Puck told me, the first time, you told me... We're family... You said you wouldn't leave me alone anymore..."

　Emilia repeated the promise she'd made in the past, the bond that had surely been put into words, in a childlike tone.

　--The shattered stone only responded with silence to her plea.

"...T- ...

　And so, unable to bear the silence any longer, her eyes, having come to terms with the unacceptable reality before her eyes, but realizing that it was nonetheless true, looked up to the ceiling, her purple eyes shaking with tears.

"Puck... Dad, you're a liar!!"

　He dropped to his knees and hurled the shattered pieces at the wall.

　There was the faint sound of stone chips hitting a wooden wall, which seemed to suggest the all-too-abrupt separation between Emilia and Puck.

　Emilia covers her face with her hands and continues to sob.

　The tears didn't flow.

　Only a sense of emptiness and lack dominated Emilia's chest, heavy and thick.