Surviving marriage in yandere world

Royal Magic Academy Festival Grounds, Still Somehow Standing. The second day of the school festival dawned in a blaze of banners, budget fireworks, and marital dread.

Rei staggered out of the infirmary with a daisy in one hand and a vague sense of doom in the other.

"Maybe today won't be that—" Rei murmured.

Then a bell chimed and suspiciously it was a wedding-like bell.

"Oh no," Rei whispered. "She wouldn't."

But she can, she would and she did. In Front of the Great Hall –

"Marry Me Now" Mass Wedding Pavilion Constructed overnight by cultists wearing veils and suspicious smiles, Lilia's booth stood five times taller than any other. It was white and it was glowing.

And it had a banner that read:

"Limited-Time Matrimonial Offer: Sign Here, Receive an Eternal Soul Bond! With cupcakes."

A choir of enchanted doves flew in a perfect heart-shaped formation overhead.

Rei stared in horror. "This isn't a booth. This is a religious uprising."

Next to him, a terrified sophomore whispered, "She gave me a flower and said I was a ring-bearer but I'm allergic to responsibility."

[System Alert:

Wife Faction "Saint Bride Lilia" has activated: Mass Matrimony Protocol]

[Warning: Any signatures collected are considered magically binding.]

[Side Note: Cupcake frosting contains truth serum.]

Inside the Pavilion of Matrimonial Madness. Lilia floated gently down from a throne made entirely of lace and flower petals.

Wearing a pure white dress with gold trim, seven veils, and a glowing crown of marital ambition, she smiled sweetly.

"Welcome, my future spouses. Today, I offer you salvation... through union with our beloved Prince Rei!"

Applause erupted and Rei choked on air.

"Wait! I never agreed to—" Rei told her.

Then a paper was shoved in his hand.

It read:

"Standard Marriage Consent Form – Draft 666b"

Subtext: "By breathing near this document, you agree to all terms including but not limited to: lifelong devotion, spontaneous blood oaths, cake tastings, and holy pregnancies (optional)."

Rei tried to step back but The floor was already enchanted to bring him one step forward.

[System Message:

You are now Front Groom #1 of the Mass Wedding Queue.

Estimated Wait Time: 0.0 seconds.]

[Fun Fact: You have signed nothing. Yet somehow… you have signed everything.]

In the Bride Registration Line. Dozens of students, townswomen, and one extremely confused elderly librarian stood eagerly in line, holding bouquets and daggers.

"Step right up! Get married, get eternal devotion, and a slice of red velvet!" called one veiled cultist.

"What happens if someone marries him first?" asked a curious student.

Lilia turned to her followers. "We initiate 'Trial by Devotion.' The unworthy will be purified in fire."

[System Warning:

Lilia's Fanaticism = 99.7%]

[Note: The average cultist has sharper aim than the royal guard.]

Meanwhile, in a nearby bush – Rei attempted to escape via bush again.

"I refuse to be emotionally kidnapped twice in the same semester," he muttered, crawling through thorny shame.

Unfortunately, the bushes were also enchanted. They formed a heart shape and launched him directly back into the pavilion.

"WELCOME BACK!" the cult shouted in unison.

"STOP BEING SO ORGANIZED!" Rei shout loudly.

Drakana Arrives – With a Flamethrower

Drakana, in full armor and she is visibly pissed, stomped into the pavilion like an angry bridal dragon.

She pointed her sword at Lilia. "You don't get to mass-marry my fiancé!"

Lilia smiled. "I filed the paperwork."

"It was in blood!" Drakana said.

"Yes and what about yours." Lilia asked her.

"ARGH—THAT MAKES IT WORSE!"

Rei stood between them waving a flag that said "Peace?" but it immediately caught on fire.

[System Notification:

New System Mission: "Escape the Wedding Without Dying (Again)"]

[Reward: A divorce lawyer.]

[Penalty: Eternal ring pop.]

Holding a teacup, Emilia blinked at the chaos.

"Um… is this normal?"

Everyone turned to stare. Lilia's eyes twitched.

"Ohh A new challenger appears."

"I just wanted to give Rei his lunch," Emilia said.

She held out a bento box. It had a note that read:

"You're kind of amazing, probably. –E"

Every bride candidate in the room gasped.

"She wrote a note!"

"That's practically a proposal!"

"She used punctuation!"

Lilia narrowed her eyes. "Everyone, Plan F. Initiate Holy Rival Protocol."

Chaos Ensues everywhere and vows Are Broken Before They're Made.

The room erupted and brides leapt into the air. Veils flew like shuriken. Petal grenades exploded in clouds of scented glitter.

Rei got tackled by a knight from Year 3 shouting, "MARRY ME OR ELSE!"

[System Critical:

[Love-Based Warfare Reached DEFCON Yandere]]

[Location Stability = -3/10]

As the Pavilion started collapsing from internal emotional detonation, Rei stood in the center, veils tangled around his arms, a fake mustache duct-taped to his lip, and three rings already forcibly placed on his fingers.

Rei is barely alive and crawled under a table as Seraphina flew overhead on Holybun, yelling "THIS MARRIAGE IS UNHOLY!"

Rosette calmly walked by and slipped a forged annulment certificate into his pocket, whispering, "I pre-nullified every marriage. You're welcome, darling."

Drakana kicked down what remained of the cake.

Lilia sat in the center of the burning wreckage, sipping from a teacup, and smiled.

"Well, We'll just schedule the next wedding for next week."

[System Notification:

Mission Failed: "Remain Legally Single"]

[New Title Acquired: "Beta Husband of the Apocalypse"]

[Surprise Bonus: Free Matching Coffins (one size fits all)]

But no, a smoke curled lazily into the sky as the "Marry Me Now" pavilion collapsed into a flaming heap of lace, frosting, and broken dreams.

Students staggered out in dazed bridal gowns, coughing petals. A faint choir still sang, but warped and glitchy, like someone strangling an organ.

Rei crawled out of the wreckage with frosting on his face, three rings stuck to his fingers, and a wedding veil tangled in his hair. He looked like a hungover runaway bride.

"I'm… free," he wheezed. "I think I'm free."

[System Correction: You are not free. You are married.]

[Note: Three rings, three legal contracts. Congratulations, Husband.]

Rei sat up violently. "NO. NO NO NO." He yanked at the rings—only for them to glow ominously, fusing tighter.

A random cultist staggered by with a clipboard. "Congratulations, Groom-sama. You are now bound by oath to… hmm… let's see… the sophomore class secretary, the school librarian, and…" He squinted. "…a stray dog who paw-printed the contract."

Rei screamed into his hands because chaos breeds hierarchy, the surviving brides formed a circle around Rei.

Lilia sat at the head of a hastily re-erected altar, fanning herself with divine paperwork. "We must now deliberate which vows are valid. According to Sub-Clause 44 of Article Infinite: Whoever bites Rei first is the primary wife."

Drakana snapped her jaws. "Done."

Seraphina pointed furiously, riding Holybun like a knight charging into war. "This marriage is INVALID in the eyes of the heavens!"

"Objection!" Rosette appeared from nowhere with a stack of black contracts. "I've already annulled all of them, burned the originals, and replaced them with mine." She waved a signed document. "See? In crayon."

Emilia, still holding her innocent bento, whispered, "Um. He hasn't even eaten lunch yet."

Everyone froze.

Rei, covered in frosting and smoke, raised the box like a holy relic. "…Food, actual food. Not rings, not contracts but actual food."

The brides hissed like vampires recoiling from sunlight.

[System Alert: Emilia has played the "Domestic Wife Card."]

[Effect: Other factions suffer -50 Sanity.]

[Warning: Risk of Total War has increased.]

Lilia snapped her fingers. "PLAN G. Deploy the Holy Wedding Cake Golem!"

From the rubble rose a towering monstrosity of layered sponge and cream, glowing eyes made of cherries, and arms of hardened fondant. It roared, flinging icing like mortar shells.

Rei shielded himself with a pew. "Why is there ALWAYS a golem?!"

Holybun launched itself at the cake with divine fury, gnawing its frosting-arm in a horrifying protein-fueled frenzy.

Drakana breathed fire at the cake. Rosette stabbed contracts into its sponge. Seraphina blessed forks like holy spears. Emilia… handed Rei a napkin.

"It's on your cheek," she said softly.

The world slowed. For one perfect second, Rei almost forgot about the burning bridal battlefield.

Then the golem slapped him with a frosting wave and launched him thirty feet into a candy fountain.

[System Notice: Rei is now 87% cake.]

[Bonus: You are delicious.]

As Rei sputtered in syrup, the brides escalated their attacks:

Seraphina called down holy doves, who dive-bombed everyone with flaming garters.

Drakana smashed pews into weapons, screaming "Trial by combat solves everything!"

Lilia started officiating mid-battle, reading vows over screams.

Rosette whispered to unconscious cultists, forging marriage certificates by pressing their hands into ink.

Meanwhile, the poor sophomore "ring bearer" sneezed, accidentally dropped the ring pillow into the cake golem, which absorbed it and grew two more arms.

Rei staggered back toward Emilia. "Please. Just say I'm disqualified or something. Please."

Emilia tilted her head. "Why?"

"Because I don't want to die married to a cake monster!"

"Oh," she said, sipping tea calmly. "I thought you'd say you don't want to die married to them."

Rei froze. "…That too!"

[System Pop-Up: Ooooh, Freudian slip detected.]

[Analysis: Rei may actually prefer the cake.]

Rei screamed, "I HEARD THAT!"

Finally, the doors blasted open. The Dean stormed in, robes singed, eyes bloodshot, clearly ten minutes away from retirement. Behind him, several exhausted professors dragged anti-magic seals.

"That's ENOUGH!" the Dean roared. "This is an academy, not a—"

The cake golem stepped on him.

"…Never mind," croaked his muffled voice from under the sponge.

The entire pavilion shook, frosting raining from the ceiling. Cupcakes detonated in pink shockwaves. Students fled, veils smoldering.

Rei collapsed under a table again, holding his face in both hands. "This was supposed to be a school festival. A school festival."

Holybun and the Cake Golem clashed in the center, a divine rabbit vs cursed dessert, shaking the academy grounds like a holy wrestling match.

Drakana and Seraphina fought each other on top of the golem, trading vows and fire. Lilia continued officiating the chaos like a wedding priestess possessed. Rosette stamped annulments onto falling debris.

Emilia calmly offered Rei a sandwich.

He took it, ate it then chewed. "…It's ham."

She smiled faintly. "I thought you'd like something normal."

For a brief, glorious instant—amid fire, frosting, and vows—Rei felt… almost human again.

Then the golem exploded.

When the smoke cleared, half the campus was coated in icing. Students crawled out of rubble with vows stuck to their foreheads.

Rei lay face-down in frosting, a sandwich crust still in his hand.

[System Mission Result: Failure.]

[Consequence: Rei is legally wed to…]

[Processing… Error. Too many claimants.]

[New Title: "Quantum Husband"]

[Definition: You are simultaneously married and unmarried. Schrödinger would be proud.]

Rei screamed weakly into the frosting. "I hate festivals."

Lilia dusted herself off, smiling sweetly in the ruins. "Don't worry, darling. Next time will go smoother. We'll call it 'Wedding Booth 2.0.'"

"NOOOO—" Rei wailed.

The choir resumed, faint but determined.

To be continued…