Surviving marriage in yandere world

Velvet Academy's Grand Festival Grounds, Wife Hunt Arena—The Final Day.

The forest was silent, too silent. Rei clung to the highest branch of a twisted oak tree, his magical tuxedo snagged on twigs and his dignity bleeding out faster than his will to live. His bowtie had been eaten by a squirrel. His cummerbund had been set on fire by stray dragon flame. And his shoes—dear gods, his shoes—had already been stolen by Rosette's assassin interns as "momentum samples."

He was barefoot, disheveled, and trembling in a suit supposedly enchanted to make him "look groom-ready in all situations."

Spoiler: it didn't cover situations like "being hunted across school grounds by five armed yanderes."

Rei whimpered and hugged the tree trunk tighter.

"Why," he whispered hoarsely, "why do all fantasy worlds think a school festival needs battle royale mechanics? Where are the crepes? Where are the dumb haunted houses? WHERE ARE THE FISHING GAMES?"

The forest answered him with the terrifying sound of a chainsaw revving.

Rei froze. His soul briefly left his body, waved goodbye, and packed for the afterlife.

Somewhere below, a voice purred:

"Fufufu~ Rei… I can smell you…"

Drakana. The dragon girl. Chainsaw in hand, licking her lips like a predator.

A bead of sweat slid down Rei's cheek. He tried to breathe as quietly as possible.

And then—

FWOOOSH!

A spear of radiant holy light slammed into the tree beside him, scorching the bark.

Seraphina's voice rang out like a choir of divine auditors.

"Rei! Come forth and allow yourself to be sanctified as mine alone!"

"NOT INTERESTED!" Rei screamed back, clutching his branch like a koala fleeing tax collectors.

But the forest wasn't merciful.

Another voice, calm and deadly:

"Darling… you can't hide from me. I've charted all your escape routes."

Lilia. Rei swore he could hear her drawing little hearts on her marriage diagrams as she spoke.

And then—oh no—Rosette.

Not her voice, but the distinct hiss of poisoned kunai embedding themselves around his tree like a deadly game of lawn darts.

Finally, a sweet and terrifyingly gentle sigh drifted in.

"Rei… come down. If you cry up there, it makes me want to hug you until you never leave again."

It's Emilia. The only one who sounded normal. Which, in Rei's book, was the most terrifying of all.

He buried his face in his arms.

"This is it," Rei muttered. "This is my life now. Hunted by a harem of lunatics. Goodbye, peaceful bachelor dreams."

[System Alert!]

[Festival Mission Update: Final Stage — "The Wife Hunt"]

[Status: Rei is cornered, desperate, and one chain saw away from losing more than his tuxedo pants.]

[Reminder: Screaming only increases aggro attraction range by 200%.]

[Survival Tip: Pretend to be a corpse. Yanderes never suspect corpses… except yours.]

Rei ignored the System's advice because, frankly, he'd already tried the fake-death trick two chapters ago, and Rosette had preemptively filed resurrection paperwork.

"Damn it all," he hissed. "I'll never survive this unless…"

Unless… he outlasted them all.

Rei's plan was simple: stay hidden until the girls got distracted fighting each other. Then crawl into a ditch, fake amnesia, and maybe—maybe—someone would mistake him for a commoner and let him escape.

Unfortunately, his plan had one fatal flaw. The branch he was sitting on snapped.

CRACK—THUD—AAAAAAAAH!

Rei plummeted from the tree and landed face-first in a pile of leaves. His tux split right down the middle. Somewhere, the tailor who enchanted it had a heart attack.

Rei groaned, lifted his head, and found himself nose-to-nose with Emilia.

"Ah," Rei squeaked. "Uh. Fancy seeing you here."

She tilted her head gently, smiling with her usual serene calm. Unlike the others, she didn't brandish weapons or glow with divine menace. She just… crouched beside him with a basket of tea cakes.

"You look tired, Rei," Emilia said softly. "You should rest."

Rei blinked, his lips trembled and then—against all logic, all reason, and all survival instincts—he burst into tears.

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO MAKES SENSE!" Rei wailed, clinging to her sleeve like a drowning man. "EVERYONE ELSE HAS NETS AND SPEARS AND A CHAINSAW—A CHAINSAW, EMILIA!—AND YOU'RE JUST… NORMAL!"

Emilia patted his head. "Of course. I'll always be normal for you."

Rei sobbed harder. "You're my only sanity! Do you know that?! My ONLY SANITY!"

The words slipped out before he could stop them. His voice echoed across the entire forest and silence followed.

[System Warning!]

[You have declared one wife as your "only sanity."]

[Consequence: Catastrophic Yandere Unity has been triggered.]

[All five yanderes will now form a temporary alliance to ensure you never escape again.]

[Congratulations! You've unlocked: "Shared Husband Prison Scenario, Festival Edition."]

The trees shook.

Seraphina stepped into view, holy aura blazing. "If Emilia is his sanity…"

Drakana snarled, chainsaw growling in her grip. "Then we'll ALL be his sanity."

Lilia's eyes gleamed. "Shared schedules, shared vows and shared ownership."

Rosette licked a poisoned blade. "Unity… means efficiency."

Emilia blinked, still hugging Rei. "…Eh?"

Rei went pale. His blood ran cold. He could see it now—his wives, no longer fighting each other, but joining forces like an apocalyptic marriage syndicate.

"Oh no," he whispered. "Oh no no no no—"

All five women advanced in perfect sync, smiling.

"Rei belongs to us."

The forest erupted in the sound of chainsaws, divine hymns, marriage vows, poisoned laughter, and Emilia's calm tea-pouring.

And Rei, poor Rei, could only scream to the heavens:

"GODDESS ERIS, THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"

Somewhere, faintly, the mirror goddess chuckled while eating spicy noodles.

[System Endnote:]

[Mission Failed: Survive All 5 Date Events Without Bleeding Out.]

[Penalty: Shared Groomhood Enslavement (Duration: Forever).]

[Reminder: You did this to yourself.]

Rei's scream carried through the forest like a tragic opera performed by a man who'd stubbed his toe on destiny.

Branches snapped, leaves trembled and one by one, his wives closed in.

Emilia still sat there calmly with her tea basket, letting Rei cling to her sleeve like an abandoned kitten.

"Um… everyone?" Emilia said softly, glancing up at the advancing quartet of maniacs. "Maybe we should… not traumatize him further?"

"Traumatize?" Seraphina's eyes glowed gold as her wings spread, halo blazing with righteous jealousy. "My love, trauma is but another word for purification. Once he accepts holy matrimony with me, he shall be cleansed of all sin."

"Incorrect," Lilia interjected smoothly, already producing a notebook labeled 'Weekly Groom Management Schedule'. "Trauma is temporary. Marriage contracts are forever. If we co-sign his soul, his resistance will mathematically drop to zero."

Drakana revved her chainsaw with a growl. Sparks spat out, igniting a patch of underbrush. "Forget purification. Forget contracts. He's mine because I'll carve through anyone who says otherwise." She licked her fangs. "Even… allies."

Rosette, of course, simply twirled a kunai between her fingers, her grin wide enough to belong in a wanted poster. "Unity doesn't mean I won't stab you all later. But for now? If Rei thinks Emilia is his sanity, then I'll make sure he has no sanity left at all."

"..." Emilia blinked again. "That… sounds unhealthy."

Rei, meanwhile, buried his face into Emilia's lap. "PLEASE DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME." His voice cracked with the same energy as a man confessing tax fraud. "IF I DIE, I DIE A NORMAL HUMAN. NO SHARED GROOMHOOD. NO DIVINE MERGERS. NO CHAINSAW CONTRACTS."

The System decided to weigh in.

[System Commentary:]

[Your bargaining power is less than a stale rice cracker at this point.]

[Reminder: Screaming into Emilia's lap will not prevent stabbing.]

[However, statistically speaking, lap-based crying does reduce emotional aggro by 1.3%.]

[Not that it matters.]

The wives closed ranks.

Drakana snarled at Seraphina. Seraphina glared at Rosette. Lilia calmly flipped a page in her planner, scribbling "Joint Punishment Time: Saturday, 4pm." And through it all, Emilia kept patting Rei's head with the patience of a saint… or perhaps a particularly smug winner of a long game.

Then it happened. The five women looked at each other, and—for the first time in recorded history—smiled in agreement.

"Yes," Seraphina intoned. "If he is to be saved—"

"—owned," corrected Lilia.

"—devoured," hissed Drakana.

"—stabbed repeatedly," sang Rosette.

"—loved," Emilia finished, a little late.

"Then it shall be… together."

Rei's soul disintegrated. "NO. NO 'TOGETHER.' INDIVIDUAL CONTRACTS, PLEASE. LIMITED WARRANTIES. WHY DOES THIS SOUND LIKE A BUSINESS MERGER OF MY BODY?!"

[System Alert!]

[Shared Groomhood Protocol: Activated.]

[You are now subject to a multi-party marriage clause.]

[Warning: Penalty for breach includes (but is not limited to): holy smiting, chainsaw dismemberment, bureaucratic paperwork, poison testing, and passive-aggressive tea service.]

[Advice: Accept your fate. Resistance only prolongs the comedic suffering.]

The forest lit up in overlapping auras: Seraphina's holy light, Drakana's flames, Rosette's poison mist, Lilia's binding circles, and Emilia's… tea steam. Together, it resembled less a battlefield and more a cursed wedding altar.

Rei's trembling hand reached for the sky.

"Eris… oh benevolent goddess of mirrors and chaos… if you ever loved me, grant me salvation!"

Somewhere in the heavens, Eris slurped her noodles and muttered: "Nah, you're funnier like this."

And Rei knew. He was doomed.

[System Endnote, Revised:]

[Mission Outcome: Catastrophic Yandere Unity Achieved.]

[Reward: Eternal Spousal Surveillance (Non-Optional).]

[Bonus Reward: A lifetime supply of matching couple keychains. (Also non-optional).]

[Penalty: Freedom revoked, permanently.]

As the five wives loomed over him, casting shadows like a council of eldritch matrons, Rei whispered the only words he had left:

"…this isn't even a school festival anymore, is it? It's a hostage negotiation."

No one disagreed.

To be continued…