Surviving marriage in yandere world

Royal Magic Academy at Hallway of Questionable Sanity. Rei had survived dragons, divine lightning, and five obsessive women who treated marriage vows like overdue library books.

But today? Today he faced the most incomprehensible, terrifying entity in all creation.

Not Drakana's flames. Not Seraphina's holy nukes. Not Rosette's omnipresent HusbandVision surveillance system. Not even Lilia's divine marriage commandments.

It was… the System itself.

Because the notifications popping into his vision looked like they'd been written by a drunk intern who had lost a bet.

[Alert: Emotional Metrics Updated]

[Subject: Emilia von Sanity]

[Affection Level: 72%]

[New Trait Unlocked: Unknowingly Immune to Yandere Threat Detection]

[System Comment: HOW IS SHE STILL ALIVE?]

"…" Rei blinked at the glowing text hovering in front of him.

"…Wait. Immune? That's not a thing. That shouldn't be a thing."

The System didn't respond. Instead, another notification barged across his vision like a panicked office clerk.

[Recalculating threat index…]

[Warning: Calculation failed.]

[Warning: Calculation failed.]

[Warning: Emilia somehow walked through Rosette's landmine butterfly field without triggering a single one.]

[Possible Explanation: ???]

[System Status: Existential Crisis Initiated.]

Rei groaned and leaned his forehead against the nearest wall.

"This can't be happening. The System's supposed to keep me alive, not… question the metaphysics of my only normal friend."

"Rei~!"

The sound of his name in a sweet, unassuming voice nearly made him jump. Emilia appeared at the end of the hall, smiling as if the world weren't actively sharpening pitchforks behind her back.

She waved politely, her schoolbag bouncing against her shoulder. "Do you want to walk to class together?"

Somewhere in the distance, a chandelier exploded. That was probably Rosette trying to snipe her with a butterfly drone. Yet somehow Emilia strolled past the falling debris like it was springtime confetti.

The System pinged again.

[Observation: Emilia continues to demonstrate abnormal survival phenomena.]

[Rei's Emotional Response: 70% relief, 25% confusion, 5% inappropriate thoughts.]

[System Comment: You don't deserve her, you idiot.]

"Excuse me?!" Rei hissed aloud, forgetting that talking back to glowing notifications made him look like a lunatic. "You can't just say that!"

Emilia tilted her head. "Say what?"

"Nothing!" Rei panicked. "Just—uh—talking to myself! As one does! Ha ha ha!"

She gave him the same patient smile she always did when he spiraled. That calm expression, so… normal, so stable, made his heart unclench.

Of course, that's exactly when chaos kicked down the door.

Rei and Emilia hadn't even made it three hallways before Seraphina materialized from behind a hedge with a spear glowing brighter than the sun.

"HALT, INFIDEL."

"Gah!" Rei nearly leapt out of his borrowed tux. "Seraphina, we talked about ambushing people indoors!"

Her eyes burned with holy determination. "I sensed impurity. Emilia's aura reeks of unregistered claimancy! For the sake of sanctified matrimony, she must be tested!"

Emilia blinked. "Tested? On what?"

The princess raised her spear dramatically. "On survival."

Before Rei could scream, a rain of holy spears descended like a divine bullet-hell arcade game.

Rei grabbed Emilia's hand, yanking her behind a fountain. "Stay down, stay down!"

To his horror, Emilia peeked her head out—only for every single spear to curve midair and bury itself harmlessly into the grass two inches from her shoes.

"…Huh," she said. "Lucky."

Rei gawked. "LUCKY?!"

The System wailed.

[Warning: Seraphina's Holy Barrage should have a 99.7% hit probability.]

[Result: 0% hit.]

[Diagnostic Hypothesis: Emilia is casually bending divine probability fields.]

[System Comment: Someone nerf her before I uninstall myself.]

Emilia dusted off her skirt and smiled sweetly at Seraphina. "Sorry, but I have class. Maybe later?"

Then she walked past, humming.

Rei was left holding his head like he'd just witnessed a god trip over their shoelaces.

No sooner had they escaped Seraphina's spear show than Rosette's butterflies swooped down like paparazzi drones.

A holographic screen popped up in midair, blaring the announcer's voice.

"Welcome back to HusbandVision, everyone! Today's exclusive segment: Why the Hell Is Emilia Still Breathing?!"

Onscreen, the live feed showed Rei and Emilia from ten different angles at once, his panicked face magnified in HD.

Rei slapped at the air. "ROSSETTE, TURN IT OFF!"

Rosette's monotone crackled through the speaker. "Negative. Data collection is a priority. Subject Emilia must be analyzed for anomalies. Begin stress test."

The butterflies suddenly emitted tiny red lasers that painted targets all over Emilia's blouse.

Rei's soul left his body. "We're dead."

Emilia blinked at the red dots. "…Are these fireflies?"

She reached out and patted one. The butterfly instantly short-circuited, sparked, and fell into her hand like a broken toy.

"Aw, poor thing," she murmured, gently setting it on a windowsill.

All the other butterflies spontaneously malfunctioned and dive-bombed into the dirt.

Rosette's voice crackled again, unusually flat. "…Impossible. She just pacified my surveillance army through kindness."

Rei screamed at the sky. "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!"

The System screamed at him.

[System Error: Emilia nullified technological hostility with passive innocence.]

[Analysis: Rosette's tracker drones now worship her as a benevolent queen.]

[New Variable Detected: Emilia may unintentionally be final boss material.]

[System Comment: You're screwed, buddy.]

By the time Rei and Emilia staggered onto the athletics field, Drakana was already waiting. She cracked her knuckles, muscles bulging like someone had replaced her blood with protein shakes.

"Oi, Emilia. Time for your daily PE lesson."

Emilia tilted her head. "But I never signed up for—"

Too late. Drakana shoved a fifty-pound barbell into her hands. "Survive this, or you don't deserve to stand next to Rei!"

Rei threw himself forward. "WAIT, SHE'S FRAGILE, DON'T—"

Emilia lifted the barbell like it was made of foam and blinked innocently. "…This isn't very heavy."

The field went silent.

Drakana's eyes twitched. "…Not heavy?"

In ten minutes, Emilia was bench-pressing a wyvern while humming. By twenty minutes, she had outrun a flaming dragon obstacle course. By thirty, she was politely teaching Drakana better stretching form.

Rei's jaw hit the dirt.

The System entered meltdown mode.

[Alert: Emilia's physical aptitude previously recorded as "Potato."]

[Update: Potato has evolved into Colossus.]

[Warning: Drakana is now experiencing an inferiority crisis.]

[System Comment: Congratulations, your normal friend is out-muscling a dragon.]

Drakana collapsed to her knees. "Wh…what are you?"

Emilia smiled apologetically. "Um… sorry?"

Rei clutched his head. "Why does saying sorry make it worse?!"

Of course, things weren't allowed to calm down. The next corner they turned was plastered with golden posters reading:

"DIVINE COMMANDMENT #37: HUSBAND INTERACTION PERMITS REQUIRED."

And there stood Lilia herself, glowing with divine authority, wielding a scroll longer than the kingdom's census records.

"Rei. You violated subsection C of paragraph twelve by walking within five feet of an uncertified female—"

Emilia raised her hand politely. "Excuse me, does this apply to me?"

Lilia glanced at her, ready to smite.

Then paused, then blinked.

For reasons no divine power could explain, the scroll in her hands rewrote itself. The words shifted into:

"Exception: Emilia von Sanity, for reasons beyond mortal comprehension."

Rei's soul wept. "Of course. Of course the laws of reality bend around her now."

Lilia stared at her trembling scroll. "…I-I did not approve this!"

The System's voice practically shrieked in Rei's skull.

[System Diagnostic: Emilia bypassed divine law without resistance.]

[Possible Explanation: She is too boring to register as a threat.]

[Alternate Explanation: She is a cosmic bug exploit in human form.]

[System Comment: At this point, I'd marry her myself if it got me out of this hell.]

Emilia bowed politely to Lilia. "Thank you for the exemption. Have a nice day!"

Then she skipped away, leaving Lilia sputtering divine static.

Rei dragged his hands down his face. "Why is my life like this…"

By the time they reached the safety of the library, Rei was openly sobbing into a chair.

Emilia tilted her head, worried. "Rei? Are you okay?"

"No, Emilia. No, I'm not okay. I've spent weeks dodging obsessive girls who want to marry, kidnap, or holy-spear me. And you—YOU—just walk through every trap like reality itself is protecting you!"

She blinked innocently. "Oh. Is that… bad?"

"Yes!" Rei wailed. "Because now they're all going to blame you instead of me! Do you know what happens when yanderes unite against a common enemy?!"

The System chimed in grimly.

[System Warning: Probability of Emilia-targeted collective elimination pact: 93%.]

[Projected Timeline: Soon.]

[System Comment: R.I.P., cinnamon roll girl.]

Emilia smiled softly, as if none of that mattered. "Well… as long as you're safe, Rei, I don't mind."

His heart skipped and soul screamed. And His brain short-circuited.

Somewhere deep inside, Rei realized he was already doomed.

The System flickered violently, notifications stacking like an overloaded printer.

[Critical Alert: Emilia Affection Level rising uncontrollably.]

[Current: 72% → 74% → 77%]

[New Trait Reinforced: Unknowingly Immune to Yandere Threat Detection.]

[System Confusion: MAXIMUM.]

[System Comment: HOW. IS. SHE. STILL. ALIVE.]

Rei dropped his head onto the library table and muttered into the wood:

"…Please, someone uninstall me."

And Emilia, still humming, placed a gentle hand on his shoulder—completely unaware that every other woman on campus was sharpening their knives.

To be continued…