MTLNOVEL Chapter 6: Home Is Where the Portal Explodes
The moment Dante and Peter stepped back through the portal, they landed, not in a field, or a forest, or some epic floating realm of myth, but in the middle of a Costco parking lot.
Next to a dumpster.
Between two Kia Souls.
And right in front of a group of moms doing Zumba to WAP on portable speakers.
Peter sighed. "Ah. Modern society."
Dante flexed automatically. "We back, baby."
"Back where?" Peter snapped. "The Dungeon Queen is alive, I just had to incinerate a sentient ex, and your stupid sword is still a broomstick."
Dante looked down.
"Correction: Sharpened broomstick. Plus duct tape now. That's a combat upgrade."
⟦ SYSTEM PING: YOU HAVE RE-ENTERED EARTH REALM ZONE: EXIT 9, NEW JERSEY ⟧
Status: Dangerously Mundane
Portal Stability: Poor
Corruption Risk: High
Hostile Entity Proximity: 200 meters and closing
New Quest: "Clean Up Your Portal Mess Before the Government Notices"
Optional Objective: Avoid Telling Dante's Mom
Suddenly, a roar split the air. One of the nearby Costco dumpsters shuddered, then sprouted tentacles, and roared in eldritch Portuguese.
Peter flinched. "That is not recycling-safe behavior."
A voice barked through a megaphone:
"STEP AWAY FROM THE PORTAL WITH YOUR HANDS, WEAPONS, OR GLOWING APPAREL VISIBLE."
Three black SUVs skidded into view. Out stepped men in dark armor labeled C.R.I.S.P. — Containment and Response for Interdimensional Supernatural Portals.
Their slogan? "Keeping Earth Earthy."
Dante puffed out his chest. "Hey, I know my rights!"
Peter grabbed his collar. "You also don't know what an NFT is. Shut up."
⟦ NPCs DETECTED: GOVERNMENT RESPONSE UNIT – HOSTILE-NEUTRAL ⟧
Mood: Cranky
Objective: Secure Portal, Detain Idiots
An agent pointed a glowing baton at them. "You boys open this rift?"
Dante raised his hand proudly. "Technically, yes."
"And did you defeat a Level 10 rogue system boss in a legally unregulated alternate dimension?"
Dante flexed. "Hell yes we did."
Peter added, "And we did it with zero parental supervision and questionable fashion choices."
The agents paused.
Then one of them muttered into a radio: "We've got another Gen Z Portal Pair. One straight dumbass, one rainbow witch. Standard package."
The tentacle-dumpster lunged.
Peter hurled a sparkle bomb.
Dante tackled it like it owed him protein powder.
Within thirty seconds, the creature was defeated, partially disintegrated, and covered in glitter and hamburger buns.
The lead agent sighed. "Goddammit. We're going to have to recruit them."
Dante blinked. "Wait, what?"
⟦ QUEST UPDATED: "Welcome to the Squad" ⟧
New Faction Unlocked: C.R.I.S.P.
Perk Gained: "Legally Sanctioned Idiocy" – You are now authorized to enter portals.
New Title: Freelance Dimensional Menace
Additional Perk: Free Costco Membership (Tier: Containment Platinum)
They were taken to a local containment facility disguised as a vape shop with five stars on Yelp. Inside were flat-screen monitors, coffee machines, and a demon intern named Todd who handed Peter a unicorn sticker badge.
Peter accepted it silently, tearfully.
Dante immediately made himself at home, bench-pressing a containment crate and attempting to network with a possessed soda machine.
Then someone cleared their throat.
A woman in scrubs and a "World's Okayest Mom" mug entered the room.
"Dante. Marcus. Steelblade."
Dante's eyes widened. "Oh no."
Peter gasped. "Wait. Your last name's real?!"
His mother stared him down with the fury of a thousand PTA meetings. "You opened four illegal portals, disrespected three planes of existence, and your Sharpstick took out our neighbor's Honda."
Dante, shirtless, bruised, glowing faintly, said, "Hi, Mom."
Peter waved. "Hi, Mrs. Steelblade. I'm his certified emotional support sparkle."
She rubbed her temple. "I raised a gym rat and a gay wizard with zero impulse control. Wonderful."
Dante whispered, "Please don't ground me in front of the government."
Peter whispered back, "Please do. I want to see it."
⟦ SYSTEM NOTICE: PARENTAL UNIT ENRAGED ⟧
Avoid Direct Eye Contact
Do NOT Mention the Love Potion Incident
Special Event Trigger: "Family Drama – Tier 2"
Later, after being cleared by CRISP (and scolded heavily), Peter and Dante sat on the edge of a Jersey overpass, slurping slushies and watching another mini-portal crack open over a Jiffy Lube.
Peter sighed. "We're gonna be doing this forever, aren't we?"
Dante grinned. "Damn right we are. Me, you, the Sparkle Stick of Justice, and our gym membership from hell."
Peter held up his cup. "To chaos."
Dante clinked it. "To dungeons."
Both: "To bullshit."
The System dinged softly.
Somewhere above, the Dungeon Queen watched through a mirror made of regrets, smiling.
"Let the next patch begin."