The Adventures of Daring Dante and Pickle Peter: A Bullshit Novel

Tuesday afternoon. 4:37 p.m.

In the heart of suburban New Jersey, in the second-worst Taco Bell on Route 22, a toilet screamed.

Not figuratively.

Literally.

It screamed.

A glowing purple rift exploded out of Stall #3, shattering porcelain and launching a janitor named Luis into an industrial mop sink. And as the swirling portal pulsed with danger and chalupa-scented malice, the System woke up:

⟦ NEW PORTAL DETECTED: "BATHROOM OF UNHOLY BEANS" ⟧

Estimated Threat: Spicy

Cross-Realm Signature: Dungeon Queen (Fragmented)

Public Safety Level: Unacceptable

Quest Triggered: "Flush the Problem"

Reward: 1 Legendary Weapon, 1 Rare Trauma

Cut to: Dante Steelblade doing bicep curls with a gym bag full of CRISP-approved weapons. He was shirtless. He was sweating. He was… practicing his war face in a gas station mirror.

Peter leaned against the sink, still in his rhinestone unicorn hoodie, sipping a triple espresso with rainbow foam.

"So," Peter said, scrolling on his enchanted phone, "a rift opened inside a Taco Bell. Classic sign of dark magic. Also, Yelp reviews just dropped to 1.4 stars."

Dante finished a rep and stared at himself proudly. "I'm gonna suplex the boss and get a real sword this time. No more Sharpstick. It's upgrade o'clock."

Peter squinted at him. "You say that, but I saw you duct-tape Sharpstick back together last night."

"That was sentimental value."

"Dante. It caught fire when someone sneezed near it."

⟦ SYSTEM PING: DANTE'S EQUIPMENT IS EMBARRASSING ⟧

Reputation: -3 in Style

Bonus: +5 to Stubborn Masculinity

New Side Quest: "Buy Literally Anything Sharper Than a Mop Handle"

The Taco Bell site was surrounded by yellow caution tape, confused civilians, and a guy in a Grimace costume sobbing in the parking lot.

CRISP had set up a perimeter. Portal sparks flew. Burrito guts were everywhere.

Inside the shattered restroom, the portal pulsed like a nuclear microwave.

Dante cracked his knuckles. "Let's party."

Peter conjured his barrier. "God help us."

They jumped in.

⟦ ZONE ENTERED: THE LATRINAL MAW ⟧

Biome: Swamp Dungeon

Mood: Sour

Mob Type: Grease Elementals, Condiment Ghouls

Boss: ???

Smell: Unforgivable

The dungeon looked like someone flushed a fantasy RPG through a truck stop bathroom. Greasy pools bubbled. Stalactites dripped queso. A sign read:

"Now Hiring: Flesh Cleaners. Must provide own mop."

Suddenly, the sludge shifted. A warrior stepped forward, twelve feet tall, clad in armor made of napkin dispensers and floor tiles.

⟦ MINI-BOSS: THE FLOOR MANAGER ⟧

Level: 9

Catchphrase: "Did you want sauce with that pain?"

Special Move: Grease Wave

Weakness: Explosive Criticism, Mint Scented Spells

Dante charged. "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS."

He slammed Sharpstick into the boss's leg. It shattered. Not the leg, the Sharpstick.

The handle split in half. A splinter stabbed Dante in the neck.

Peter sighed and fired off Fabulous Shield, then yelled, "FOR THE LOVE OF PRADA, WILL YOU JUST—"

But the System cut in:

⟦ LEGENDARY TRIGGERED ⟧

Dante's actions have fulfilled criteria for Weapon Awakening.

Condition: Use the same garbage weapon long enough and dumbly enough.

Weapon Upgraded:

Sharpstick ➜ Shardbane, the Splintered Blade

Type: Greatsword

Damage: Variable

Effect: Increases with User's Reckless Intent

Trait: Glows faintly when near fast food

Dante blinked. The blade in his hands surged with chaotic energy, reforging itself into a sleek, jagged blade with glowing veins of light and duct tape inscriptions.

He grinned. "Now this is peak masculinity."

Peter muttered, "Gods help us all."

⟦ COMBAT LOG ⟧

— Dante used Overcompensating Slash. Crit!

— Peter cast Rainbow Vortex. Everything within ten meters now fabulous and confused.

— The Floor Manager's apron burst into flames.

— Burrito Golem in the back exploded.

— Boss Defeated. Peter dry heaved.

⟦ BATTLE WON! ⟧

Loot Acquired:

— Legendary Weapon: Shardbane, the Splintered Blade

— Rare Accessory: Diablo Hot Sauce Necklace (Fire Resistance +10)

— Title Unlocked: Breaker of Bathrooms

— New Questline: The Queen's Rave

Back outside, a new alert popped on Peter's enchanted phone.

EVENT INVITE – "Queen Malatrix's Midnight Rave of Reckoning"

Location: Abandoned Mall, Earth Realm

Time: Tonight

Dress Code: Unstable

Mood: Lethal

Peter scrolled. "Okay. There's a rave tonight. Hosted by Malatrix. Possibly a trap. Possibly an interdimensional networking event."

Dante swung his new sword. "I'm going. That rave needs a chaperone."

"You think you can stop the Queen with testosterone and delusion?"

"Got me this far."

Peter sighed. "Fine. But I'm wearing sequins and I'm bringing backup."

"Who?"

Peter smiled. "The underground gay mage rave scene. We do exist. And we're fabulous and aggressive."